I just got a letter indicating that I've just been elected the new Pope! Can you believe it?!?!? Me? The new Pontiff?!?!?!? I mean, I only sent in the application as a lark, you know? I figured they'd do a background check and AT LEAST find out I was Lutheran! Not to mention the murder! Dear Gjod, all that murder! Ahhhh, the Church.....so gullible and devoid of a quality fact-checker.....Well, it's too late now, fuckers! I'm the Pope and there's nothing anybody can do about it. So, without further adieu, here's my plan as your latest Holy Envoy:
- Bridge the gap between Satan and Gjod. Hey, isn't it about time SOMEONE sat down with these two and tried to figure it out with them? I mean, they used to be boyz, you know? I'm not sure what in the name of Christ's Childhood House Pet all these other Popes have been doing about this, but clearly they've dropped the ball on this all-important issue. It starts with a little thing I like to call CONVERSATION.
- Develop and train a band of Holy Marauders that I'll call "The Questioners." While I'm not sure what they'll ask quite yet, rest assured, they'll make the Inquisition look like a mere Probe.......yeah, the good kind of probe.....
- Taco Tuesdays!
- Papal blow jobs from Hot Vatican Whores.
- Changing the name "Nuns" to "Hot Vatican Whores."
- Abortions for every baby.
- And finally, last but certainly not least, reminding everybody once and for all, that it's "Vati-CAN" not "Vati-CAN'T"
There you go, servants! Pretty awesome, huh? And all I'll ask in return for all this sweet, sweet reform is that you wake up every morning with the following prayer:
"Dear Great and Benevolent Gjod-Pope-Lord-Master Q, please allow me to live without the constant threat of a solid smiting today. I will live every moment as a monument to your Supremeness and pray that one day I may bask in the Absoluteness of your, you know, absolute Awesomeness and stuff. May the Vatican Whores shine their mouths upon you today and everyday. Your humble servant, (your name)"
Man, this is exciting for me! I'm gonna look at my election letter again real quick. Oh......oh, this is terrible.....shit......fuck......This letter doesn't say I've been ELECTED...it says I've been REJECTED.....farts!!
Oh well......who wants to be the stoopid Pope anyway.......
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3 comments:
awww shit. I was really hoping you could go around giving people "solid smitings" at your whim. That'd be cool.
and Taco Tuesdays!!
A CONVERSATION with Satan? This just gets more and more interesting.
First, you protest protesters, and now you're Pope.
Yeah, publicity doesn't hurt, huh?
LMAO @ the Holy Marauders and Taco Tuesdays.
Rican "Only the Vati-can Can!"
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