Pirates hijack tsunami aid ship
I mean, come the fuck on! Can't Tsunami (I mean, umm..."I") get a break?!? A bunch of good people get together to help me out. Put all their great and noble ideals (and money, or items that cost money) onto a ship - to help ME, and who takes it over? Pirates! The one class of rogue that I have any sort of sympathy for, and the only class of rogue I give plenty of free advertising to! And this is how they repay me?!? BY HIJACKING MY AID SHIP!
This Thursday's startin' to chap my hide.
Thursday, June 30, 2005
Thursday: Various Cries For Attention
1) Nearby Department Store: a)shoes, "BUY ME" b)shirts, "NO BUY ME!" C)Pants, "C'MON YOUR PANTS SUCK, BUY ME AND MY PAL!"
(okay pants, you win this round)
2)Bank: "Put money in me."
(I did, it was payday after all)
3)Wallet: "Take money from bank, PUT MONEY IN ME!"
(yes-I will)
4)Homeless Guy: "Give your money to me"
(no, sorry)
5)Sexy girl on the train: "Look at me dry-humping my less sexy friend during your commute."
(yes, but in my defense, I was bored and it was better than nothing)
6)Drug Store: "Buy beer from me."
(okay)
7)Beer: "DRINK ME!"
(maybe later, there's some things I want to do first)
8)Fjordborg's Truck: "Move Me!"
(sigh...all right, it is street cleaning day)
9)Calendar: "Change My Month!"
(I dunno...)
10)Clothes Pile: "FOLD US."
(not a chance)
11)Linoleum Floor: "For Gjod's Sake SCRUB ME!"
(floor, I've been telling you this for two weeks - maybe if I get around to it, after the dishes get washed! Dishes, don't even START)
12)Socks: "We've been on your feer for 11 hours, take us off!"
(okay, after blogging)
13)Feer: "Please, do what they ask!"
(hang in there little troopers)
14)Junkmail: a)"Join Scientology!" b)"YOU ARE PRE-APPROVED!"
(Umm, NO and NO)
15)Comfortable Chair: "SIT ON ME."
(your offer is quite tempting)
16)Record-O-Phone: "LISTEN TO THE MESSAGES ON ME!"
(your offer is not as tempting as the chair. But I'll get around to it after 12,13,7,and possibly 11. have I mentioned lately I hate you Record-O-Phone?)
Is it just me, or is the world getting alot more pushy in its cries for attention?
(okay pants, you win this round)
2)Bank: "Put money in me."
(I did, it was payday after all)
3)Wallet: "Take money from bank, PUT MONEY IN ME!"
(yes-I will)
4)Homeless Guy: "Give your money to me"
(no, sorry)
5)Sexy girl on the train: "Look at me dry-humping my less sexy friend during your commute."
(yes, but in my defense, I was bored and it was better than nothing)
6)Drug Store: "Buy beer from me."
(okay)
7)Beer: "DRINK ME!"
(maybe later, there's some things I want to do first)
8)Fjordborg's Truck: "Move Me!"
(sigh...all right, it is street cleaning day)
9)Calendar: "Change My Month!"
(I dunno...)
10)Clothes Pile: "FOLD US."
(not a chance)
11)Linoleum Floor: "For Gjod's Sake SCRUB ME!"
(floor, I've been telling you this for two weeks - maybe if I get around to it, after the dishes get washed! Dishes, don't even START)
12)Socks: "We've been on your feer for 11 hours, take us off!"
(okay, after blogging)
13)Feer: "Please, do what they ask!"
(hang in there little troopers)
14)Junkmail: a)"Join Scientology!" b)"YOU ARE PRE-APPROVED!"
(Umm, NO and NO)
15)Comfortable Chair: "SIT ON ME."
(your offer is quite tempting)
16)Record-O-Phone: "LISTEN TO THE MESSAGES ON ME!"
(your offer is not as tempting as the chair. But I'll get around to it after 12,13,7,and possibly 11. have I mentioned lately I hate you Record-O-Phone?)
Is it just me, or is the world getting alot more pushy in its cries for attention?
Wednesday, June 29, 2005
Mr. Pigglesworth and Mr Gimpson
Mr. Pigglesworth sat on a blanket spread over brambles and twigs. The sun was shining, and he had a glass of wine, but didn't look like he was having too much fun. Mr. Gimpson appeared over the far hill. He was having a hard time on his bicycle, (it was one of those old-timey ones with the huge front tire) but he grew larger, and eventually came to a stop, right in front of Mr. Pigglesworth's picnic spot. He didn't so much as dismount, as control his fall from the bicycle's high perch.
Pigglesworth twirled his fingers over his handlebar moustache.
"I say, a fine day for a ride." Gimpson said, wiping away the sweat from his face with a white handkerchief. Wet spots had soaked through his jacket.
"And a fine day for a picnic." Said Pigglesworth, who then lay back on a bush (covered by the blanket) as sort of a pillow. He finished his wine in a huge gulp.
"You might have something there." Said Gimpson.
"No, You might have something there." Said Pigglesworth.
"Well..." Gimpson left the word hanging in the air, as he unbuttoned his jacket, and his shirt, and began wiping sweat from his armpits. "Perhaps you might be interested in a..."
"A what?" Asked Pigglesworth.
"A trade."
"For what?"
"I'll give you my bicycle, and you give me your picnic provisions." Finished Gimpson hopefully.
Pigglesworth got up.
"I say Gimpson, that's a splendid idea. You've got yourself a bargain!" Pigglesworth dropped his empty glass and strode past Gimpson and picked up the bicycle. He deftly mounted the contraption, and took off. A smile cracked his face as he went rushing down the hill. Laughter echoed off the rocks as he dwindled into the distance.
"Wonderful." Said Gimpson, "couldn't have ridden another furlong." He rummaged through Pigglesworth's picnic basket and found the wine bottle, and a nice chunk of cheese. He lay down, took a drink, and ate a bite. While he was chewing, large white clouds drifted by.
They were both much happier.
Pigglesworth twirled his fingers over his handlebar moustache.
"I say, a fine day for a ride." Gimpson said, wiping away the sweat from his face with a white handkerchief. Wet spots had soaked through his jacket.
"And a fine day for a picnic." Said Pigglesworth, who then lay back on a bush (covered by the blanket) as sort of a pillow. He finished his wine in a huge gulp.
"You might have something there." Said Gimpson.
"No, You might have something there." Said Pigglesworth.
"Well..." Gimpson left the word hanging in the air, as he unbuttoned his jacket, and his shirt, and began wiping sweat from his armpits. "Perhaps you might be interested in a..."
"A what?" Asked Pigglesworth.
"A trade."
"For what?"
"I'll give you my bicycle, and you give me your picnic provisions." Finished Gimpson hopefully.
Pigglesworth got up.
"I say Gimpson, that's a splendid idea. You've got yourself a bargain!" Pigglesworth dropped his empty glass and strode past Gimpson and picked up the bicycle. He deftly mounted the contraption, and took off. A smile cracked his face as he went rushing down the hill. Laughter echoed off the rocks as he dwindled into the distance.
"Wonderful." Said Gimpson, "couldn't have ridden another furlong." He rummaged through Pigglesworth's picnic basket and found the wine bottle, and a nice chunk of cheese. He lay down, took a drink, and ate a bite. While he was chewing, large white clouds drifted by.
They were both much happier.
Tuesday, June 28, 2005
Tuesday- not the beginning of the end, but something something something...
So lately, I've been hoping this is all a phase...
Like, youknow, Picasso went thru his "blue" period, Ford went thru his "horseless carriage" moment, and the Beatles left their happy-go-lucky rockabilly period into that crazy drug-thingie.
For the last hour, I've been staring at my change jar. It's a collection of dimes and nickels, since I separate quarters for the laundry, and pennies go to their own separate hell, seeings how they ain't worth nothin'. Since lately I've been uninspired, I'm thinking this might be the beginnings of my new phase.
My options are laid out thusly...
1) I take a goodly amount of coin and put it into a nice well-stitched sock. I knot the sock, creating a home-made functioning sap. Then, I take that ratty pillow-case I got, and make a big face-covering mask. And tomorrow (or sometime in the near future) I become a full-bore mugger.
2) I take my coin jar down to the convert-O-change machine, get all the money together, and buy lotto tickets. While it might be a good way to loose the change I've built up over the last year, it could hit big!
3) A combination of 1 and 3
Either one is probably enough to really impact the next couple of days.
Like, youknow, Picasso went thru his "blue" period, Ford went thru his "horseless carriage" moment, and the Beatles left their happy-go-lucky rockabilly period into that crazy drug-thingie.
For the last hour, I've been staring at my change jar. It's a collection of dimes and nickels, since I separate quarters for the laundry, and pennies go to their own separate hell, seeings how they ain't worth nothin'. Since lately I've been uninspired, I'm thinking this might be the beginnings of my new phase.
My options are laid out thusly...
1) I take a goodly amount of coin and put it into a nice well-stitched sock. I knot the sock, creating a home-made functioning sap. Then, I take that ratty pillow-case I got, and make a big face-covering mask. And tomorrow (or sometime in the near future) I become a full-bore mugger.
2) I take my coin jar down to the convert-O-change machine, get all the money together, and buy lotto tickets. While it might be a good way to loose the change I've built up over the last year, it could hit big!
3) A combination of 1 and 3
Either one is probably enough to really impact the next couple of days.
New York City: The Sights, The Sounds ---*Gasp*--- THE SMELLS?!?!?
The thing is, Fjordsters, New York is pretty kick ass. Anything you want, literally anytime you want it, can be yours. It truly is a land of sheer opportunity. I think it was Huey Lewis who said it best when he warbled (in regards to our fair city), "Where else can you do a half a million things, all at a quarter to three?" Now, let's hope the Hue-Man was speaking metaphorically when he boldly asked that musical question, as to even approach the idea of doing something as crazy as attempting to do a half a million things at one time is the most certain road to madness, save a nasty case of syphilis. Not to mention, Mr. Lewis failed to say if he was talking about 2:45 Anti-Meridian, or 2:45 Post-Meridian. It makes a difference, because if you're up at 2:45AM and attempting to do a half a million things at once, you are probably in the throes of a wonderful crack binge. In which case, you could probably give doing a half a million things the old college try and perhaps even succeed unscathed, except for the fact that you are a crackhead. If you are attempting to do a half a million things at 2:45PM, you probably have already been driven straight mad by your syphilis and should add, "Check into mental hospital" to your list of things to do at 2:45......
Anyway, moving along, if you have ever spent time in NYC in the beautiful Summer months, you know this Gjoddamn Shit Pit that I love so dear, can re-write the book on "Ummm....What the Fuck is That Smell?" For realz, Playa's, sometimes it's like Stink, working in conjuncture with the evil scienticians stationed in the Reek Ward of Satan's Ball Sack, have devised a Systematic Olfactory Attack Stench (S.O.A.S.) sending mystery wafts of mischief up into your nose, which shoots a signal to your brain that causes you to exclaim, "Jesus Unholy Mary Mother of Fuck Me Runnin' Christ, what in the name of Gjod's Bed Pan could possibly make a scent like that on this fucking planet? CAN THERE BE A GJOD?!?!? CAN THERE BE A GJOD?!?!?!?"
And so my Merry Fjordsters, in the spirit of all of that, at the tail end of the rest of my Summertime posts, I'm gonna let y'all in on just what in the Sam Hell New York City is smelling like on that particular day. Ready? Let's play!
Tuesday, June 28th in the Year of "Our" Ljord 2K5, New York City smells like:
Urine-ish......Well, urinary tract-like......Fuck it, you know what? It smells like fucking piss out there, you guys......SOOPA OLD PISS.......Like if you were an explorer and you re-discovered the legendary Piss Caves that no human or beast had entered in centuries, but the last time they did they dropped an old skool piss party down in there.......
Happy Tuesday!
Anyway, moving along, if you have ever spent time in NYC in the beautiful Summer months, you know this Gjoddamn Shit Pit that I love so dear, can re-write the book on "Ummm....What the Fuck is That Smell?" For realz, Playa's, sometimes it's like Stink, working in conjuncture with the evil scienticians stationed in the Reek Ward of Satan's Ball Sack, have devised a Systematic Olfactory Attack Stench (S.O.A.S.) sending mystery wafts of mischief up into your nose, which shoots a signal to your brain that causes you to exclaim, "Jesus Unholy Mary Mother of Fuck Me Runnin' Christ, what in the name of Gjod's Bed Pan could possibly make a scent like that on this fucking planet? CAN THERE BE A GJOD?!?!? CAN THERE BE A GJOD?!?!?!?"
And so my Merry Fjordsters, in the spirit of all of that, at the tail end of the rest of my Summertime posts, I'm gonna let y'all in on just what in the Sam Hell New York City is smelling like on that particular day. Ready? Let's play!
Tuesday, June 28th in the Year of "Our" Ljord 2K5, New York City smells like:
Urine-ish......Well, urinary tract-like......Fuck it, you know what? It smells like fucking piss out there, you guys......SOOPA OLD PISS.......Like if you were an explorer and you re-discovered the legendary Piss Caves that no human or beast had entered in centuries, but the last time they did they dropped an old skool piss party down in there.......
Happy Tuesday!
Monday, June 27, 2005
Sure, sure...yadda yadda...sigh...
Yep, we're back to square one again.
What do we have out in the internets today?
Zombie Dogs?
More Crazy Cobbler action! Now, with sorcery and sheep sex!
SHARK!
Additional hijinks with your friendly neighborhood locksmith...
Well, that's it for now...Monday has called and made demands.
1 inflatable dingy,
3700 lbs of aluminium,
16,000 empty chinese food boxes,
4 atomic clocks,
2 ice cream sandwiches,
and 37 obsolete clothes dryers.
Christ...
What do we have out in the internets today?
Zombie Dogs?
More Crazy Cobbler action! Now, with sorcery and sheep sex!
SHARK!
Additional hijinks with your friendly neighborhood locksmith...
Well, that's it for now...Monday has called and made demands.
1 inflatable dingy,
3700 lbs of aluminium,
16,000 empty chinese food boxes,
4 atomic clocks,
2 ice cream sandwiches,
and 37 obsolete clothes dryers.
Christ...
Guess Who's Back Up In This Bitch....
What can I say, Fjordlings? Sorry I've been away. But I don't wanna get bogged down in all of that. I wanna rant whilst I'm still irked......
Look, I live in NYC, ok? Obviously, in my neighborhood there are borderline multitudes of coffeshops. Perhaps even more obviously, most of those shops are Starbucks. Now fjolks, I like my coffee. I drink it iced and I drink it black, year round with virtually no exceptions. Yes, I drink it that way because I like the flavor. I am not some coffee tourist. I have purchased land in Coffeetown and am running for mayor there. But I digress. All I'll say is I straight refuse to go to Starbucks unless I absolutely have to have a toffee/chocolate chip brownie. Which brings me to my fury.
On Sundays in my neighborhood, for some indescribable reason, the tiny local coffeeshop closest to my house is closed. I know, right? Check it, I'll repeat: A coffeeshop. Closed. On a Sunday. The only way I can figure it is that the proprietors of said coffee hut are vehemently opposed to business. Either that, or they are retarded. I am hoping (perhaps selfishly) that they are retarded because I REALLY love retards. White retards, Black retards, Latino retards, Asian retards - clearly my love for retards knows no skin tone or boundary. In point of fact, I am picturing retards at play right now. "Hi retards! You go, drool mongers! Frolick your damaged brains out!" Heh-heh.....sigh......cute little fascinatingly disturbing bastards....
--Whoops! I digress again....Sorry Fjordbirds.....--
At any rate, as my local coffee emporium is not accepting dolla' dolla' bills y'all on a Sunday and I rarely feel the need for the aforementioned Starbucks brownie, I am forced to go to this other coffeeshop to strap my caffeine bean on. But this isn't your regular, run of the mill shop Fjordlings. This place is packed to it's breaking point with Krishna loving, shit eating, dogma spewing, fuzzy fucking, stink piles of flesh I call ----HIPPIES! That's right, say it with me, HIPPIES. Now, anyone who's read my stuff in the past knows how I feel about these wastes of resources. I guess one could say that my love for retards is balanced by my loathe of hippies. White hippies, Black hippies, Latino hippies, Polynesian hippies, they can all suck from the gigantic teat hanging from a neon sign that reads, "Suck Here, Hippie Fuck Wart."
Yeah, you know what? Fuck it, y'all. Next week I'm going to Starbucks and while I'm sitting there drinking my Vente Whatever, I'm gonna close my eyes and dream of retards playing ball. Oh man! That one just got smashed in the face with the ball! And now he's running after the retard who threw it!
Shit, you guys, there is nothing more quizzically adorable than a retard chasing revenge.....
Look, I live in NYC, ok? Obviously, in my neighborhood there are borderline multitudes of coffeshops. Perhaps even more obviously, most of those shops are Starbucks. Now fjolks, I like my coffee. I drink it iced and I drink it black, year round with virtually no exceptions. Yes, I drink it that way because I like the flavor. I am not some coffee tourist. I have purchased land in Coffeetown and am running for mayor there. But I digress. All I'll say is I straight refuse to go to Starbucks unless I absolutely have to have a toffee/chocolate chip brownie. Which brings me to my fury.
On Sundays in my neighborhood, for some indescribable reason, the tiny local coffeeshop closest to my house is closed. I know, right? Check it, I'll repeat: A coffeeshop. Closed. On a Sunday. The only way I can figure it is that the proprietors of said coffee hut are vehemently opposed to business. Either that, or they are retarded. I am hoping (perhaps selfishly) that they are retarded because I REALLY love retards. White retards, Black retards, Latino retards, Asian retards - clearly my love for retards knows no skin tone or boundary. In point of fact, I am picturing retards at play right now. "Hi retards! You go, drool mongers! Frolick your damaged brains out!" Heh-heh.....sigh......cute little fascinatingly disturbing bastards....
--Whoops! I digress again....Sorry Fjordbirds.....--
At any rate, as my local coffee emporium is not accepting dolla' dolla' bills y'all on a Sunday and I rarely feel the need for the aforementioned Starbucks brownie, I am forced to go to this other coffeeshop to strap my caffeine bean on. But this isn't your regular, run of the mill shop Fjordlings. This place is packed to it's breaking point with Krishna loving, shit eating, dogma spewing, fuzzy fucking, stink piles of flesh I call ----HIPPIES! That's right, say it with me, HIPPIES. Now, anyone who's read my stuff in the past knows how I feel about these wastes of resources. I guess one could say that my love for retards is balanced by my loathe of hippies. White hippies, Black hippies, Latino hippies, Polynesian hippies, they can all suck from the gigantic teat hanging from a neon sign that reads, "Suck Here, Hippie Fuck Wart."
Yeah, you know what? Fuck it, y'all. Next week I'm going to Starbucks and while I'm sitting there drinking my Vente Whatever, I'm gonna close my eyes and dream of retards playing ball. Oh man! That one just got smashed in the face with the ball! And now he's running after the retard who threw it!
Shit, you guys, there is nothing more quizzically adorable than a retard chasing revenge.....
Friday, June 24, 2005
Leapin' Lizards!
It's Friday!
(from the back a very small man gives out a very small cheer. "Yaaaay," he says.)
My plan was to buy one of those long unfolding beach chairs, and a big umbrella. Then I'd take those up to the roof of the Casa, and drink tropical drinks out of coconuts, until Monday rolled around.
Unfortunately, some work reared it's ugly head, and I'm now going to be lifting heavy things from now till at least Saturday evening! So, here's hoping at least one of you can put my plan into action...I'd hate to see a good plan like that go completely unrealized.
Happy Friday!
(from the back a very small man gives out a very small cheer. "Yaaaay," he says.)
My plan was to buy one of those long unfolding beach chairs, and a big umbrella. Then I'd take those up to the roof of the Casa, and drink tropical drinks out of coconuts, until Monday rolled around.
Unfortunately, some work reared it's ugly head, and I'm now going to be lifting heavy things from now till at least Saturday evening! So, here's hoping at least one of you can put my plan into action...I'd hate to see a good plan like that go completely unrealized.
Happy Friday!
Thursday, June 23, 2005
As you all well know...
This is no ordinary Thursday!
(various past, and very ordinary Thursdays shuffle their feet and try and look inconspicuous)
No gang, this is the Thursday where we anoint the Champions of the NBA!
Now, for those of you who are unfamiliar with sporting-events in general, it works like this. All teams in the National Basketball League play the "regular season" whereupon, at the end of the "regular season" the teams with the best records play each other in an elimination format, where at the end, only one team remains - and is called "champion."
Even though there are many leagues of basketball being played throughout the world, it is well known that the best basketball on the planet is played in the NBA. Because of this the champion of the NBA is by default, the "Champion of the World." Since we don't know of any othjer basketball playing species in the solar system, they are by default, "Champions of the Solar System!"
A quick look in the Websters dictionary defines "Champion" as "One who fights another for a cause; defender."
The point I'm trying to make, about why this is such an important Thursday, is that when the fearsome 6-headed, 4-armed 3-mouthed beings from (known only to the puny scientific minds of Earth as) the star system X-B47 (or any other residents of the 800-billion stars/galaxies/planets/nebulas and black holes that we have yet to explore - thanx alot NASA cutbacks!) arrive to plunder our solar system (and Earth) of it's precious and valuable resources...not to mention the tasty delicacy of human flesh! At least we have this one recourse.
"We'll play ya' for it!"
And so, on the intergalactic stage, the Champions of Earth will play the Champions of X-B47 in a Seven-Game Series for the fate of the Solar System! And hopefully, the rules of Intergalactic Basketball will dictate that if our champions somehow prevail over the fearsome 6-headed 4-armed 3-mouthed beings, that we can plunder their solar system!!!
That's why this is no ordinary Thursday. It might be that the champion crowned today, gets us a whole new solar system to plunder. GO TEAM!!!
(various past, and very ordinary Thursdays shuffle their feet and try and look inconspicuous)
No gang, this is the Thursday where we anoint the Champions of the NBA!
Now, for those of you who are unfamiliar with sporting-events in general, it works like this. All teams in the National Basketball League play the "regular season" whereupon, at the end of the "regular season" the teams with the best records play each other in an elimination format, where at the end, only one team remains - and is called "champion."
Even though there are many leagues of basketball being played throughout the world, it is well known that the best basketball on the planet is played in the NBA. Because of this the champion of the NBA is by default, the "Champion of the World." Since we don't know of any othjer basketball playing species in the solar system, they are by default, "Champions of the Solar System!"
A quick look in the Websters dictionary defines "Champion" as "One who fights another for a cause; defender."
The point I'm trying to make, about why this is such an important Thursday, is that when the fearsome 6-headed, 4-armed 3-mouthed beings from (known only to the puny scientific minds of Earth as) the star system X-B47 (or any other residents of the 800-billion stars/galaxies/planets/nebulas and black holes that we have yet to explore - thanx alot NASA cutbacks!) arrive to plunder our solar system (and Earth) of it's precious and valuable resources...not to mention the tasty delicacy of human flesh! At least we have this one recourse.
"We'll play ya' for it!"
And so, on the intergalactic stage, the Champions of Earth will play the Champions of X-B47 in a Seven-Game Series for the fate of the Solar System! And hopefully, the rules of Intergalactic Basketball will dictate that if our champions somehow prevail over the fearsome 6-headed 4-armed 3-mouthed beings, that we can plunder their solar system!!!
That's why this is no ordinary Thursday. It might be that the champion crowned today, gets us a whole new solar system to plunder. GO TEAM!!!
Wednesday, June 22, 2005
FJORDNEWS...FJORDNEWS....FJORDNEWS>>>
Tragedy Stikes New York Once Again!
ladies and gentlemen...it pains me deeply to tell you, (gads, the horror, the suffering...the HUMANITY MAN, THE HUMANITY!!!) that the giant popsicle has melted.
NEW YORK - An attempt to erect the world's largest popsicle in a city square ended with a scene straight out of a disaster film — but much stickier.
The 25-foot-tall, 17 1/2-ton treat of frozen Snapple juice melted faster than expected Tuesday, flooding Union Square in downtown Manhattan with kiwi-strawberry-flavored fluid that sent pedestrians scurrying for higher ground.
"What was unsettling was that the fluid just kept coming," Stuart Claxton of the Guinness Book of World Records told the Daily News. "It was quite a lot of fluid. On a hot day like this, you have to move fast."
So in summation...
The erection attempt was called off as the kiwi-strawberry-flavored fluid just kept on coming! It was very sticky, and sent pedestrians scurrying for high ground.
I expect to see more events like this in the near future designed purely for my personal enjoyment!
ladies and gentlemen...it pains me deeply to tell you, (gads, the horror, the suffering...the HUMANITY MAN, THE HUMANITY!!!) that the giant popsicle has melted.
NEW YORK - An attempt to erect the world's largest popsicle in a city square ended with a scene straight out of a disaster film — but much stickier.
The 25-foot-tall, 17 1/2-ton treat of frozen Snapple juice melted faster than expected Tuesday, flooding Union Square in downtown Manhattan with kiwi-strawberry-flavored fluid that sent pedestrians scurrying for higher ground.
"What was unsettling was that the fluid just kept coming," Stuart Claxton of the Guinness Book of World Records told the Daily News. "It was quite a lot of fluid. On a hot day like this, you have to move fast."
So in summation...
The erection attempt was called off as the kiwi-strawberry-flavored fluid just kept on coming! It was very sticky, and sent pedestrians scurrying for high ground.
I expect to see more events like this in the near future designed purely for my personal enjoyment!
Tuesday, June 21, 2005
As a half-assed wannabe...
I have a lot of post-it notes with various scribbles on them scattered thru-out my home.
They vary in complexity, mood, wit and whathaveyou, depending on the mood/intoxication/sleep deprivation/and other assorted factors of my state of mind when they got written. I found one buried on my coffee-table a few days ago, and have been trying to turn it into something since then. I haven't gotten anywhere with the effort so I'm just going to post it verbatim, and let you guys be the judge.
It reads thusly...
"Come with my to my Destiny Chamber"
"Dude - this is a bathroom."
They vary in complexity, mood, wit and whathaveyou, depending on the mood/intoxication/sleep deprivation/and other assorted factors of my state of mind when they got written. I found one buried on my coffee-table a few days ago, and have been trying to turn it into something since then. I haven't gotten anywhere with the effort so I'm just going to post it verbatim, and let you guys be the judge.
It reads thusly...
"Come with my to my Destiny Chamber"
"Dude - this is a bathroom."
A review of Dario's Batman Begins review
The review starts innocently enough with calling the movie "deeper and darker" than most summer block busters which I wholeheartedly agree with and was on my way to believing that this was going to be the best movie review of all time.
Alas, the review took a violent turn for the worse - and it must be said that it's not a problem with the reviewer but the review itself. The review out of nowhere started to chastise the movie for perpetuating the beginning of the Batman myth. The movie is clearly called Batman Begins and seeing as that his parents' dying is a key part of why he Batman Began in the first place it needed to be in there. Those who don't want to see it should show up about 15 minutes late. If I went to see a movie about the Giants winning the Super Bowl in 1991 i would definitely want Scott Norwood's kick going wide right at the end even if i knew it was going to happen.
The review really started to pick up at the end using words like "and", "the", "crazily" , "Cain", "human", "Interesting", and "flick".
All in all this review was pretty good (4 fjords out of 5)- i'd suggest reading this if you have the time and the housecleaning is already done. I do suggest reading anything else this guy writes. Be forewarned that the review might leave you feeling a bit empty inside midway through - but it's nothing that watching old Bruce Wayne's parents die again and again won't easily cure.
Alas, the review took a violent turn for the worse - and it must be said that it's not a problem with the reviewer but the review itself. The review out of nowhere started to chastise the movie for perpetuating the beginning of the Batman myth. The movie is clearly called Batman Begins and seeing as that his parents' dying is a key part of why he Batman Began in the first place it needed to be in there. Those who don't want to see it should show up about 15 minutes late. If I went to see a movie about the Giants winning the Super Bowl in 1991 i would definitely want Scott Norwood's kick going wide right at the end even if i knew it was going to happen.
The review really started to pick up at the end using words like "and", "the", "crazily" , "Cain", "human", "Interesting", and "flick".
All in all this review was pretty good (4 fjords out of 5)- i'd suggest reading this if you have the time and the housecleaning is already done. I do suggest reading anything else this guy writes. Be forewarned that the review might leave you feeling a bit empty inside midway through - but it's nothing that watching old Bruce Wayne's parents die again and again won't easily cure.
Monday, June 20, 2005
I was pondering...
whether the typical image of Jesus (yaknow, bearded hippy type in robe), if swapped for the hunky Brad Pit would increase the number of churchgoing (or numbers on surveys asking if people went to church.) people. Then I read Hashbrown's genius comment on my massively rambling post a couple of days back...
I instantly realized we were missing out an a huge opportunity here at Fjord. Lohan's Boobs!
Here's a nice spot with more that a few lovely looks at her wondrous melons! The story's not half bad either.
I instantly realized we were missing out an a huge opportunity here at Fjord. Lohan's Boobs!
Here's a nice spot with more that a few lovely looks at her wondrous melons! The story's not half bad either.
Sunday, June 19, 2005
Another Grasp At Fjordian Luck
You, are not unlucky! You've got access to a compooter! You've got enough cash on hand to pay for internet access! You've got the skill of reading! And you've got the mental capacity to appreciate something good when you understand it! Which is why you're reading this right now. (Of course, I'm probly wrong on 5 or six of those, but hear me out!)
Look - you probably don't have elephantitis. (oohh, um, not exactly, quite work safe, but it's doubtful a "being fired for looking at porn" case could be made of it...)Which would be a great way of explaining why you are lucky. However, for those readers out there who are inflicted with this horrible (and mind-numbingly disgusting affliction) there is good news. News good enough to think, "Gjoddamn, I just might be lucky after all!"
Apparently, there's a way to cure it!
Hopefully, (if you're carrying around your hideously humungus testicles and/or breasts, you have access to modern medicine, otherwise, you're once again cursing us, and your luck.)
Look - you probably don't have elephantitis. (oohh, um, not exactly, quite work safe, but it's doubtful a "being fired for looking at porn" case could be made of it...)Which would be a great way of explaining why you are lucky. However, for those readers out there who are inflicted with this horrible (and mind-numbingly disgusting affliction) there is good news. News good enough to think, "Gjoddamn, I just might be lucky after all!"
Apparently, there's a way to cure it!
Hopefully, (if you're carrying around your hideously humungus testicles and/or breasts, you have access to modern medicine, otherwise, you're once again cursing us, and your luck.)
Fjord Weekend Movie Reviews
So I did what every good Angelino did this weekend...I went to see some movies. Seein' how it's blockbusta' summa' movie time...and shouldn't we all do a little something for Hollywood...seeings how much they've done for us?
1- Mr & Mrs. Smith
Well, I'll say one thing, it's a pretty movie. I mean, there are a lot of pretty things to look at all thru this action/romantic-comedy. And it's got my eye-okay vote. A great date flick, and a lot of super fun moments. Someone said it's got "Tracy and Hepburn-like dialouge!" Which, of course, it doesn't. But that doesn't change the fact that it was fun. I think this will work for both the boys and the girls...
2-Batman Begins
This is a bit deeper and darker than yer usual summer blockbuster movie. I think my one problem with this movie isn't exactly a problem with the movie, it's a problem with oversaturation with the Batman "myth." Fer christs sake, we know about B-Wayne's parents getting killed, and we know he's haunted buy the crap, and we know he's got a deep mean-streak because of it!!! Enough already. Christ, I knew this when I was like, I dunno -six. Ya don't have to re-hash it in every fucking movie about the "B-Man!"
Like I said, it's not a problem with this movie, it's just a saturation problem. The movie is kick-ass. Really fun, crazily imaginative, with inventive villains (which is refreshing) and if you're going to add characters to help lend the "human" touch to such a shop-worn story, Michael Cain and Morgan Freeman are about the two best guys in the biz to make it happen. My girl dug the hell out of it, but I'd say it was 70-85% guy flick. But by far my favorite of all the movie-tries at Batman.
What'd you see?
1- Mr & Mrs. Smith
Well, I'll say one thing, it's a pretty movie. I mean, there are a lot of pretty things to look at all thru this action/romantic-comedy. And it's got my eye-okay vote. A great date flick, and a lot of super fun moments. Someone said it's got "Tracy and Hepburn-like dialouge!" Which, of course, it doesn't. But that doesn't change the fact that it was fun. I think this will work for both the boys and the girls...
2-Batman Begins
This is a bit deeper and darker than yer usual summer blockbuster movie. I think my one problem with this movie isn't exactly a problem with the movie, it's a problem with oversaturation with the Batman "myth." Fer christs sake, we know about B-Wayne's parents getting killed, and we know he's haunted buy the crap, and we know he's got a deep mean-streak because of it!!! Enough already. Christ, I knew this when I was like, I dunno -six. Ya don't have to re-hash it in every fucking movie about the "B-Man!"
Like I said, it's not a problem with this movie, it's just a saturation problem. The movie is kick-ass. Really fun, crazily imaginative, with inventive villains (which is refreshing) and if you're going to add characters to help lend the "human" touch to such a shop-worn story, Michael Cain and Morgan Freeman are about the two best guys in the biz to make it happen. My girl dug the hell out of it, but I'd say it was 70-85% guy flick. But by far my favorite of all the movie-tries at Batman.
What'd you see?
Friday, June 17, 2005
Damn...these internets...
I was just out surfing a little of what's going on in "The Real World" (re: what's not so cool in Fjordland...which, I shudder to say, is just about everything.)
And I came to the spot where I just have to go. "Dude, re-lax...you're getting bent outta shape over NOTHIN'!"
I was just hunting thru the archives of a great web-site called Laputan Logic fulla' all sorts of useless "history" crap. And found this little gem.
"If Christianity had been checked in its growth by some
deadly disease, the world would have become Mithraic."
Mithras...as what I know about the little Godling, was the entity that evolved (comin' from my Pa'- who happens to be one of them "ordained" ministers - so it's a reasonably reputable source) into the modern day Santa-Claus. Now, I know you're askin' yourself..."Sure you know about some god-damned heathen, eternal-livin'-in-hell-gods Tsunami. But what's that got to do with livin' a good upright Christian life in the good 'old, "In-'God-We Trust U.S.A.??"
Well, the web-site I'm a'quotin' says, "If Christianity had been checked in its growth by some deadly disease, the world would have become Mithraic."
"But it wasn't, ya-gjoddamn guy named after a tidal-wave!!!...Christ was sent from heaven as the Sjon of Gjod, and got fuckin' crucified for his troubles!!!!
-Yeah, the poor bastard. Just like, oh, I dunno, like 800,000 other criminals during the course of the Roman Empire's judicial watch. Quick question for you X-tian gang out there...what were the names of the two thieves Jesus was crucified WITH??!! Were they also victims? Were they really guilty? What if Jesus was just a petty crook...a pick-pocket who just happened to have better P.R. than those other two. One ended up the Son of God, the other two...ummm, a couple of unnamed corpses about to become raven-fjood. Wow, I'm getting off topic here.
Mithras.
If Christianity had been checked in its growth by some
deadly disease, the world would have become Mithraic.
Here's where the story get's a little more complex - than even my fingers can make...
"The widespread popularity and appeal of Mithraism as the final and most refined form of pre-Christian paganism was discussed by the Greek historian Herodotus, the Greek biographer Plutarch, the neoplatonic philosopher Porphyry, the Gnostic heretic origin, and St. Jerome the church Father. Mithraism was quite often noted by many historians for its many astonishing similarities to Christianity.
The faithful referred to Mithras as "the Light of the World", symbol of truth, justice, and loyalty. He was mediator between heaven and earth and was a member of a Holy Trinity. According to Persian mythology, Mithras was born of a virgin given the title 'Mother of God'. The god remained celibate throughout his life, and valued self-control, renunciation and resistance to sensuality among his worshippers. Mithras represented a system of ethics in which brotherhood was encouraged in order to unify against the forces of evil.
The worshippers of Mithras held strong beliefs in a celestial heaven and an infernal hell. They believed that the benevolent powers of the god would sympathize with their suffering and grant them the final justice of immortality and eternal salvation in the world to come. They looked forward to a final day of judgment in which the dead would resurrect, and to a final conflict that would destroy the existing order of all things to bring about the triumph of light over darkness.
Purification through a ritualistic baptism was required of the faithful, who also took part in a ceremony in which they drank wine and ate bread to symbolize the body and blood of the god. Sundays were held sacred, and the birth of the god was celebrated annually on December the 25th. After the earthly mission of this god had been accomplished, he took part in a Last Supper with his companions before ascending to heaven, to forever protect the faithful from above."
+++++++++
Gang, I respect anyone who grabs the reins of their own faith and follows it thru. It's a big deal to have convictions that surpass the current bride-to-be of Tom Cruise, or the status of Lohan's Boobs. And I'm talking as a person who's much more interested in the latter...
But there is something to having Faith, and something to having an open mind to other possibilities. Like, you might think that Barb Wire is an awesome flick...but you'd feel like a rube if you were spouting off about it, and didn't know it was a ripoff of Casablanca.
Don't make me bust out the Sumerian Myths...you'd be shocked at how many you know...and from only 1000 years or so before Romulus and Remus were sucking on some she-wolf's tit. And if you got no idea, don't even make me bring in Aeneas...cause you'd be way outta' your league. Odds are the "trujth" of your belief, is just something recycled from ages before. And that's a good thing. The great stories shouldn't die. They should be re-done with modern, handsome and hot actors/actresses, with better special effects. But they shouldn't trample people who are like us, trying to live the best they can.
Damn, I hope that didn't come off as "preachy."
And I came to the spot where I just have to go. "Dude, re-lax...you're getting bent outta shape over NOTHIN'!"
I was just hunting thru the archives of a great web-site called Laputan Logic fulla' all sorts of useless "history" crap. And found this little gem.
"If Christianity had been checked in its growth by some
deadly disease, the world would have become Mithraic."
Mithras...as what I know about the little Godling, was the entity that evolved (comin' from my Pa'- who happens to be one of them "ordained" ministers - so it's a reasonably reputable source) into the modern day Santa-Claus. Now, I know you're askin' yourself..."Sure you know about some god-damned heathen, eternal-livin'-in-hell-gods Tsunami. But what's that got to do with livin' a good upright Christian life in the good 'old, "In-'God-We Trust U.S.A.??"
Well, the web-site I'm a'quotin' says, "If Christianity had been checked in its growth by some deadly disease, the world would have become Mithraic."
"But it wasn't, ya-gjoddamn guy named after a tidal-wave!!!...Christ was sent from heaven as the Sjon of Gjod, and got fuckin' crucified for his troubles!!!!
-Yeah, the poor bastard. Just like, oh, I dunno, like 800,000 other criminals during the course of the Roman Empire's judicial watch. Quick question for you X-tian gang out there...what were the names of the two thieves Jesus was crucified WITH??!! Were they also victims? Were they really guilty? What if Jesus was just a petty crook...a pick-pocket who just happened to have better P.R. than those other two. One ended up the Son of God, the other two...ummm, a couple of unnamed corpses about to become raven-fjood. Wow, I'm getting off topic here.
Mithras.
If Christianity had been checked in its growth by some
deadly disease, the world would have become Mithraic.
Here's where the story get's a little more complex - than even my fingers can make...
"The widespread popularity and appeal of Mithraism as the final and most refined form of pre-Christian paganism was discussed by the Greek historian Herodotus, the Greek biographer Plutarch, the neoplatonic philosopher Porphyry, the Gnostic heretic origin, and St. Jerome the church Father. Mithraism was quite often noted by many historians for its many astonishing similarities to Christianity.
The faithful referred to Mithras as "the Light of the World", symbol of truth, justice, and loyalty. He was mediator between heaven and earth and was a member of a Holy Trinity. According to Persian mythology, Mithras was born of a virgin given the title 'Mother of God'. The god remained celibate throughout his life, and valued self-control, renunciation and resistance to sensuality among his worshippers. Mithras represented a system of ethics in which brotherhood was encouraged in order to unify against the forces of evil.
The worshippers of Mithras held strong beliefs in a celestial heaven and an infernal hell. They believed that the benevolent powers of the god would sympathize with their suffering and grant them the final justice of immortality and eternal salvation in the world to come. They looked forward to a final day of judgment in which the dead would resurrect, and to a final conflict that would destroy the existing order of all things to bring about the triumph of light over darkness.
Purification through a ritualistic baptism was required of the faithful, who also took part in a ceremony in which they drank wine and ate bread to symbolize the body and blood of the god. Sundays were held sacred, and the birth of the god was celebrated annually on December the 25th. After the earthly mission of this god had been accomplished, he took part in a Last Supper with his companions before ascending to heaven, to forever protect the faithful from above."
+++++++++
Gang, I respect anyone who grabs the reins of their own faith and follows it thru. It's a big deal to have convictions that surpass the current bride-to-be of Tom Cruise, or the status of Lohan's Boobs. And I'm talking as a person who's much more interested in the latter...
But there is something to having Faith, and something to having an open mind to other possibilities. Like, you might think that Barb Wire is an awesome flick...but you'd feel like a rube if you were spouting off about it, and didn't know it was a ripoff of Casablanca.
Don't make me bust out the Sumerian Myths...you'd be shocked at how many you know...and from only 1000 years or so before Romulus and Remus were sucking on some she-wolf's tit. And if you got no idea, don't even make me bring in Aeneas...cause you'd be way outta' your league. Odds are the "trujth" of your belief, is just something recycled from ages before. And that's a good thing. The great stories shouldn't die. They should be re-done with modern, handsome and hot actors/actresses, with better special effects. But they shouldn't trample people who are like us, trying to live the best they can.
Damn, I hope that didn't come off as "preachy."
It's Friday!!
And it's like having one of those substitute teachers...only one of those substitute teachers that you really like, and for some reason, you learn like, way more than you did from the last 6 months of teaching from a regular teacher.
So, what have we learned this week?
1)You are only as strong as the number of days you can call in sick for "Mental Health."
2)Friends are worth being inconvenienced by. And sometimes while being inconvenienced by them, they'll have inside info that'll be worth all the trouble. Like a fortune's worth.
3)Don't walk into any situation without knowing exactly how much it's worth (in dollars) to you...because, it'll probly be that someone wants way more money (or compensation) than it's worth.
4)Don't ever discount the musical qualities of your friend's band. In a couple of years, they might be really good. And even if, (or if not) they still might be a really good friend.
5)Mother nature has a lot of cards up her sleeve.
6)A good, (or even serviceable) haircut will make you feel more confident.
7)A birthday pie in hand is worth two in the bush.
8)No matter what your deal is, the Clash are a band that'll make things better.
9)Coffee is probably the best invention ever. What other beverage do you know of, is made from beans? ...Cola? Fuck off.
10)cleanliness might not exactly be next to godliness (depending on your god/gods/goddesses) but it helps in getting laid.
11)Fjordian link-fests don't build our reader-base, no matter how cool the links.
12)More mail gets sent to you than you will ever read.
13)Playing guitar is not like killing a man.
14) - What the fuck, you really want more??? You've had your eyes open for the last 5 days- didn't you get anything out of it??? Maybe you'd like to share with the fucking class!??
Happy Friday.
So, what have we learned this week?
1)You are only as strong as the number of days you can call in sick for "Mental Health."
2)Friends are worth being inconvenienced by. And sometimes while being inconvenienced by them, they'll have inside info that'll be worth all the trouble. Like a fortune's worth.
3)Don't walk into any situation without knowing exactly how much it's worth (in dollars) to you...because, it'll probly be that someone wants way more money (or compensation) than it's worth.
4)Don't ever discount the musical qualities of your friend's band. In a couple of years, they might be really good. And even if, (or if not) they still might be a really good friend.
5)Mother nature has a lot of cards up her sleeve.
6)A good, (or even serviceable) haircut will make you feel more confident.
7)A birthday pie in hand is worth two in the bush.
8)No matter what your deal is, the Clash are a band that'll make things better.
9)Coffee is probably the best invention ever. What other beverage do you know of, is made from beans? ...Cola? Fuck off.
10)cleanliness might not exactly be next to godliness (depending on your god/gods/goddesses) but it helps in getting laid.
11)Fjordian link-fests don't build our reader-base, no matter how cool the links.
12)More mail gets sent to you than you will ever read.
13)Playing guitar is not like killing a man.
14) - What the fuck, you really want more??? You've had your eyes open for the last 5 days- didn't you get anything out of it??? Maybe you'd like to share with the fucking class!??
Happy Friday.
Wednesday, June 15, 2005
I WILL DO WHAT I DREAM!!!
Pretty impressive sounding huh? Well, what I'm dreaming of now...is LINKS!!!!
There's some good stuff - so we'll not waste any time.
1)Bites from rabid bats have killed 11 people in northern Brazil in the last two weeks, local authorities say.
2)Japan and France are to work together to develop a successor to the retired supersonic jet aircraft Concorde.
3)A pretty good take on the Tsunami phenomenon that's sweeping the globe.
4)This place is always good.
5)Whisky bottle bought for £32,000
-The Surrey hotel said the man bought the whisky and drank almost all of it in one night with some friends. - Okay, at least the fellow knows how to live.
6)If you're still looking for info-tainment on the interwebs, and you've already read our archives at least twice, then busblog will help you out.
There's some good stuff - so we'll not waste any time.
1)Bites from rabid bats have killed 11 people in northern Brazil in the last two weeks, local authorities say.
2)Japan and France are to work together to develop a successor to the retired supersonic jet aircraft Concorde.
3)A pretty good take on the Tsunami phenomenon that's sweeping the globe.
4)This place is always good.
5)Whisky bottle bought for £32,000
-The Surrey hotel said the man bought the whisky and drank almost all of it in one night with some friends. - Okay, at least the fellow knows how to live.
6)If you're still looking for info-tainment on the interwebs, and you've already read our archives at least twice, then busblog will help you out.
Dario Tsunami Warning
I have a question I want to put out into the internets, cause, I'm a trifle confused.
Okay, it's about the Tsunami Warning.
It seems earlier this morning they issued a Tsunami warning, and then quickly cancelled it. I'm confused, and nobody has been able to explain it to me. Was this a warning for me, or for people to watch out for me? Nobody's saying anything. I mean, if it was a warning FOR me, I just wonder, how I'm supposed to get this important warning information. Email? Smoke signals? The side of the Goodyear Blimp? Shouldn't someone at least tell me how to access the Tsunami Warning System?
Now, I was pretty confused (as you might imagine) after hearing all the talk about "Tsunami Aid." At first I thought it was pretty cool, people all over the world getting together to help me out. Gjod knows I could use it. But after a few months, I wonder if all the money raised in my name has been absconded with - cause I haven't seen a dime. I'm hoping that maybe they're having a hard time booking Ed McMahn, or they've got technical issues with printing such a very, very large check.
Okay, it's about the Tsunami Warning.
It seems earlier this morning they issued a Tsunami warning, and then quickly cancelled it. I'm confused, and nobody has been able to explain it to me. Was this a warning for me, or for people to watch out for me? Nobody's saying anything. I mean, if it was a warning FOR me, I just wonder, how I'm supposed to get this important warning information. Email? Smoke signals? The side of the Goodyear Blimp? Shouldn't someone at least tell me how to access the Tsunami Warning System?
Now, I was pretty confused (as you might imagine) after hearing all the talk about "Tsunami Aid." At first I thought it was pretty cool, people all over the world getting together to help me out. Gjod knows I could use it. But after a few months, I wonder if all the money raised in my name has been absconded with - cause I haven't seen a dime. I'm hoping that maybe they're having a hard time booking Ed McMahn, or they've got technical issues with printing such a very, very large check.
Tuesday, June 14, 2005
Gotta Be Quick!
Just dashing thru -
Look, I had a thought today.
(various professor types speak from the gallery)
"Amazing!" "Brilliant!" "Astounding!"
No, wait, let me tell you what it is first.
"mumble," "Grumble..." "harrrumph!" "murmer."
Do you think they call it "KY Jelly" 'cause the hillbillies in Kentucky first used it to have gay sex with their cousins?
Look, I had a thought today.
(various professor types speak from the gallery)
"Amazing!" "Brilliant!" "Astounding!"
No, wait, let me tell you what it is first.
"mumble," "Grumble..." "harrrumph!" "murmer."
Do you think they call it "KY Jelly" 'cause the hillbillies in Kentucky first used it to have gay sex with their cousins?
I Have A Lying, Lousy Office Calendar
Summa y'all may remember back in February I wrote the following post re: Flag Day. Y'all cute assed mutha fuckas never pointed out to me my blatant incorrectness re: the actual day of the Flag (La Dia de Flaggo). It's one of the many reasons I'm so enamoured with each and every one of you (Well, I'm more enamoured with some of you more than others, but that's really none of your Fjordamn business). In my defense, my Gjoddamn lying, lousy office calendar told me that Flag Day was in February. Being that I'm not overly patriotic, am mildly retarded and believe EVERYTHING I read (I LOVE words! Why would they EVER lie to me?!?!?!), I bought the Flag Day notification on my lying office calendar like a hobo buys canned beans. At any rate, since it is now officially Flag Day, I'm re-posting my earlier diatribe re: Flag Day.......Re-enjoy!!
Hey America! It's Fjucking Flag Day!
That's right, "Americans," today is "Hug A Flag Day." Or, "Stare Lovingly Into a Flag's Eyes for a While Day." Or, "Make Sweet, Sweet Love to a Flag Day," if you love your country almost to the point of submissiveness. However, if you're like me and a growing number of "Americans," you celebrate Flag Day in a less showy manner. You don't need the glitz and glamour of unfurling your flag, but not all the way, and going all "Pigs in a Blanket" on it. Nope, instead let me show you how more and more people are showing flags just what this day is all about.
What I do is, I lock myself in a dark room wearing only my underpants and a flag on my head. ANY flag, it doesn't matter. I then light 6-7 votive candles and openly weep, for reasons only me and the flag can explain. Post weeping, I begin my "I'm an AmeriCAN not an AmeriCAN'T" chanting until I fall asleep in my own arms. When morning comes, I clean the mess off myself (don't ask) and go to work as if nothing happened! Folks, IT IS SO CLEANSING!!!
Keep in mind people, this is just what I and a few people I've been secretly drugging at work do. But it's never too late for you to join our as yet undetermined cause! As always, never forget the two most important Flag Day rules:
1.) YOU CAN "celebrate" ANY FLAG!!! Really, any flag. It could be a flag celebrating your love of pandas. It could be a flag letting people know your disdain for products made with bran. Hell, it could even just be a small bit of cloth. WHO GIVES A SHIT, RIGHT?
2.) REMEMBER: It's YOUR Flag Day! Just enjoy it, man......Don't let anyone but me tell you what you should do to commemorate what amounts to a day to celebrate patterned material.....
Hey America! It's Fjucking Flag Day!
That's right, "Americans," today is "Hug A Flag Day." Or, "Stare Lovingly Into a Flag's Eyes for a While Day." Or, "Make Sweet, Sweet Love to a Flag Day," if you love your country almost to the point of submissiveness. However, if you're like me and a growing number of "Americans," you celebrate Flag Day in a less showy manner. You don't need the glitz and glamour of unfurling your flag, but not all the way, and going all "Pigs in a Blanket" on it. Nope, instead let me show you how more and more people are showing flags just what this day is all about.
What I do is, I lock myself in a dark room wearing only my underpants and a flag on my head. ANY flag, it doesn't matter. I then light 6-7 votive candles and openly weep, for reasons only me and the flag can explain. Post weeping, I begin my "I'm an AmeriCAN not an AmeriCAN'T" chanting until I fall asleep in my own arms. When morning comes, I clean the mess off myself (don't ask) and go to work as if nothing happened! Folks, IT IS SO CLEANSING!!!
Keep in mind people, this is just what I and a few people I've been secretly drugging at work do. But it's never too late for you to join our as yet undetermined cause! As always, never forget the two most important Flag Day rules:
1.) YOU CAN "celebrate" ANY FLAG!!! Really, any flag. It could be a flag celebrating your love of pandas. It could be a flag letting people know your disdain for products made with bran. Hell, it could even just be a small bit of cloth. WHO GIVES A SHIT, RIGHT?
2.) REMEMBER: It's YOUR Flag Day! Just enjoy it, man......Don't let anyone but me tell you what you should do to commemorate what amounts to a day to celebrate patterned material.....
Monday, June 13, 2005
WHO IS DARIO TSUNAMI??
Whoah...whoah...easy there tiger, that, was a typo. I mean, my real identity is like the location of Dick Cheney's undisclosed location. VERBOTEN! I meant to write, "HOW IS DARIO TSUNAMI?"
I've just been getting a whole lot of concerned inquiries as to the whole "Earthquake" thing that rocked our little West Coast burg yesterday. Let's just say, I'm fine, the Casa's fine, my terrarium with my deadly collection of spiders and scorpions...is fine. But thanks for asking.
For those of you who don't know, or who have never lived thru an earthquake, here's my poor attempt to describe it.
Yesterday's shaker was 5.6 - which is quite big if you're close to the epicenter. As it turns out it was a few hundred miles away from me, which, of course, is not close. However, it did move my house. I was awakened somewhere between 8-9 o'clock from my slumbers to the sound of my place moving...which is always announced by the moving of the window panes. Because they move (not being directly attatched to the building) at a different frequency, they all give off a kind of weird crack when they catch up. Then things started to rumble.
In the middle of my bed, I had the distinct realization of knowing what was happening, and doing what all good Californians do in such a situation. You ask yourself, "Is this a bad one?" I was very alert for a moment, and thought, this feels like one of those coin-operated "vibrators" that used to be on beds in motels all across the country. I realized it weren't too bad. Shortly thereafter it stopped. I remember for the next couple of minutes I was very alert for "aftershocks" which can be as strong or stronger than the original quake. After two minutes with nothin', I went back to bed.
And that's it. Pretty anti-climactic huh?
I've just been getting a whole lot of concerned inquiries as to the whole "Earthquake" thing that rocked our little West Coast burg yesterday. Let's just say, I'm fine, the Casa's fine, my terrarium with my deadly collection of spiders and scorpions...is fine. But thanks for asking.
For those of you who don't know, or who have never lived thru an earthquake, here's my poor attempt to describe it.
Yesterday's shaker was 5.6 - which is quite big if you're close to the epicenter. As it turns out it was a few hundred miles away from me, which, of course, is not close. However, it did move my house. I was awakened somewhere between 8-9 o'clock from my slumbers to the sound of my place moving...which is always announced by the moving of the window panes. Because they move (not being directly attatched to the building) at a different frequency, they all give off a kind of weird crack when they catch up. Then things started to rumble.
In the middle of my bed, I had the distinct realization of knowing what was happening, and doing what all good Californians do in such a situation. You ask yourself, "Is this a bad one?" I was very alert for a moment, and thought, this feels like one of those coin-operated "vibrators" that used to be on beds in motels all across the country. I realized it weren't too bad. Shortly thereafter it stopped. I remember for the next couple of minutes I was very alert for "aftershocks" which can be as strong or stronger than the original quake. After two minutes with nothin', I went back to bed.
And that's it. Pretty anti-climactic huh?
Saturday, June 11, 2005
Wierd Moments in Life to Masturbate - A Fjord Pjost
Hey Fjordlings! Just a thought: Have you ever wanted to masturbate REALLY bad, but weren't sure if it'd be appropriate? Ever wondered, "Gosh, I'd love to have a go right now, but I just don't know if the situation is right." Well, Beasts, here comes yet another reason why there's Fjord. Sit back, relax. Fjord's about to make life even less complicated for you. We're about to clue you in on when it's maybe not the best time to "smack the cobra against the wall and see if it spits anti-venom."
THE JOB INTERVIEW - This is a wierd moment in life to masturbate. Prospective employers generally do not want you getting spooge all over their paperwork/office equipment. Remember: Employers want to fuck YOU. They don't want you fucking yourself.....
DROPPING YOUR KIDS OFF AT DAYCARE - Or, "The Kiddie Pool Rule." Fjolks, it is NEVER - repeat NEVER - ok to grease your plow when there are children present. If you simply MUST have yourself right then, gently tell your children, "Mommy/Daddy's a little pent up right now. She/He needs to stand behind those bushes over there and cum real quick." You know, get CREATIVE! Remember: Parenting is about honesty and communication....
FUNERALS - Well, not ALL funerals. Some funerals masturbating is more than ok. Examples: Your Grandmother's funeral. This is a DEFINITE pud puller. Your Uncle's funeral? Well, sir, let me just say it'll be a cold day in the Hell that bastard's living eternity in before you'll ever let him see your junk again. Rot in Hell, Uncle Whiskeybreath! Remember: Not all masturbation is painless...
GOING THROUGH A WASTEBASKET IN THE WOMEN'S RESTROOM OF A FAMOUS DEPARTMENT STORE, LOOKING FOR USED TAMPONS TO SNIFF - Hey, doing that is wierd enough. Why you wanna make it worse by beating off? Remember: Getting caught in the women's restroom is only a misdemeanor. Getting caught in the women's bathroom polishing your spear and magic helmet is a felony. Keep yourself informed....
And finally,
PRISON - Well, unless it's women's prison. Between all you Fjordstuffs and me, if they ever finally catch me and I'm facing serious prison time, I've always said I'd get an immediate sex change. For those of you who haven't been to my profile page, let me tell you I'm currently 100% aaaaaall man, so a sex change for me would mean becoming a woman, ok? So, you're following me, right? That's right, I'm talking about - WOMEN'S PRISON!!! Free cable, 3 squares and all those steamy shower scenes!!
Anyway, what was the point of this post again? Oh yeah, women's prison must be REALLY kewl...
THE JOB INTERVIEW - This is a wierd moment in life to masturbate. Prospective employers generally do not want you getting spooge all over their paperwork/office equipment. Remember: Employers want to fuck YOU. They don't want you fucking yourself.....
DROPPING YOUR KIDS OFF AT DAYCARE - Or, "The Kiddie Pool Rule." Fjolks, it is NEVER - repeat NEVER - ok to grease your plow when there are children present. If you simply MUST have yourself right then, gently tell your children, "Mommy/Daddy's a little pent up right now. She/He needs to stand behind those bushes over there and cum real quick." You know, get CREATIVE! Remember: Parenting is about honesty and communication....
FUNERALS - Well, not ALL funerals. Some funerals masturbating is more than ok. Examples: Your Grandmother's funeral. This is a DEFINITE pud puller. Your Uncle's funeral? Well, sir, let me just say it'll be a cold day in the Hell that bastard's living eternity in before you'll ever let him see your junk again. Rot in Hell, Uncle Whiskeybreath! Remember: Not all masturbation is painless...
GOING THROUGH A WASTEBASKET IN THE WOMEN'S RESTROOM OF A FAMOUS DEPARTMENT STORE, LOOKING FOR USED TAMPONS TO SNIFF - Hey, doing that is wierd enough. Why you wanna make it worse by beating off? Remember: Getting caught in the women's restroom is only a misdemeanor. Getting caught in the women's bathroom polishing your spear and magic helmet is a felony. Keep yourself informed....
And finally,
PRISON - Well, unless it's women's prison. Between all you Fjordstuffs and me, if they ever finally catch me and I'm facing serious prison time, I've always said I'd get an immediate sex change. For those of you who haven't been to my profile page, let me tell you I'm currently 100% aaaaaall man, so a sex change for me would mean becoming a woman, ok? So, you're following me, right? That's right, I'm talking about - WOMEN'S PRISON!!! Free cable, 3 squares and all those steamy shower scenes!!
Anyway, what was the point of this post again? Oh yeah, women's prison must be REALLY kewl...
LINKS! HUZZAH!
Continuing my lazy efforts to keep the rabble of readers up-to-date.
Now 160 cities in the U.S. have Joined the Kyoto Protocol. Good for us. Too bad the Fed's couldn't see it as a good thing.
Depravity Scale! (legal mumbo-jumbo)
Guatemala Girrrrl Power!
Rats.
"There was a big rat problem. An unknown story from this time is that exterminators from all over the country donated their services to stop the possibility of a huge rat infestation."
DEVO!
(yeah, you should read this...)
And here's something...
Lottery officials suspected a scam until they traced the sequence to a fortune printed with the digits “22-28-32-33-39-40” and Donald Lau’s prediction: “All the preparation you’ve done will finally be paying off.”
You have to sit thru an ad, but read about the guy who writes fortune cookies!
Allright...that's it...now, do your laundry or something.
Now 160 cities in the U.S. have Joined the Kyoto Protocol. Good for us. Too bad the Fed's couldn't see it as a good thing.
Depravity Scale! (legal mumbo-jumbo)
Guatemala Girrrrl Power!
Rats.
"There was a big rat problem. An unknown story from this time is that exterminators from all over the country donated their services to stop the possibility of a huge rat infestation."
DEVO!
(yeah, you should read this...)
And here's something...
Lottery officials suspected a scam until they traced the sequence to a fortune printed with the digits “22-28-32-33-39-40” and Donald Lau’s prediction: “All the preparation you’ve done will finally be paying off.”
You have to sit thru an ad, but read about the guy who writes fortune cookies!
Allright...that's it...now, do your laundry or something.
Friday, June 10, 2005
Friday Enters From Stage Left...
Looking dangerous as hell in a black Fedora and trenchcoat...the tommy gun in his hands doesn't hurt either. He kicks the cat rubbing against his legs. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday - stand around a table talking and laughing. Friday interrupts.
"I'm gonna rub ya out, see. Onna' count of those lousy things you did to me and my friends see..."
The four cower back until they're against the brick wall at the far side. The perfect backdrop for the execution!
***and now a few special thanks for those who made Friday possible***
(15 second musical interlude...)
Ladies and gentlemen, a warm round of applause for...THE SUN! Yes, that huge glowing yellow bastard did it again...just like he's been doing for 6 billion years...showing up, warming the planet - providing light...and that whole photosynthisis thing! (that is a nice trick!) And who could forget HOT WATER! Man that shower earlier today woula' really sucked without our pal Hot. And clean (and you all know I mean "really clean" ) dishes? No way! Come on now, give it up for HOT WATER! I CAN'T HEAR YOU! ...That's better. Now, let's not overlook our good -- nay great friend, MATTER! Damn, honest...and we mean this from the bottom of our tiny black hearts. We just don't know where we'd be without you! And last, but not least, FJORDS! After all the gossip, and rumors, and innuendo, and scandals and 47 indictments handed down by the World Court...you're still out there, day in and day out and still the sexiest landmass on any planet we know! Thank you, and good night.
What's that?
You want to know how it ends?
Oh. I dunno if I can, ahem, contractually tell you.
But tune in next week and find out! I will say this tho, there's a LOT of gunfire, a LOT of bloody corpses, and a lot of classy dames in eveningwear that shows off a LOT of well- shaped gams.
Happy Friday.
"I'm gonna rub ya out, see. Onna' count of those lousy things you did to me and my friends see..."
The four cower back until they're against the brick wall at the far side. The perfect backdrop for the execution!
***and now a few special thanks for those who made Friday possible***
(15 second musical interlude...)
Ladies and gentlemen, a warm round of applause for...THE SUN! Yes, that huge glowing yellow bastard did it again...just like he's been doing for 6 billion years...showing up, warming the planet - providing light...and that whole photosynthisis thing! (that is a nice trick!) And who could forget HOT WATER! Man that shower earlier today woula' really sucked without our pal Hot. And clean (and you all know I mean "really clean" ) dishes? No way! Come on now, give it up for HOT WATER! I CAN'T HEAR YOU! ...That's better. Now, let's not overlook our good -- nay great friend, MATTER! Damn, honest...and we mean this from the bottom of our tiny black hearts. We just don't know where we'd be without you! And last, but not least, FJORDS! After all the gossip, and rumors, and innuendo, and scandals and 47 indictments handed down by the World Court...you're still out there, day in and day out and still the sexiest landmass on any planet we know! Thank you, and good night.
What's that?
You want to know how it ends?
Oh. I dunno if I can, ahem, contractually tell you.
But tune in next week and find out! I will say this tho, there's a LOT of gunfire, a LOT of bloody corpses, and a lot of classy dames in eveningwear that shows off a LOT of well- shaped gams.
Happy Friday.
Thursday, June 09, 2005
LINKS! Yaaaay!
'Cause, like, I told you about, youknow, before...
Look! Robots! There's another!
And our robot rover on Mars escapes the evil clutches of it's cruel Martian captors. Whew! That's lucky.
Ricandoll's still lookin' for wurk!
Russian Man Hammers Nail Into Head After “Hearing Voice”
Yes, news about crazy people. We know you want it.
And finally...
Chinese gamer sentenced to life
Man stabs and kills another man. Because he sold his on-line-role-playing-game sword for real money in the real world. It was probably a pretty cool sword.
Look! Robots! There's another!
And our robot rover on Mars escapes the evil clutches of it's cruel Martian captors. Whew! That's lucky.
Ricandoll's still lookin' for wurk!
Russian Man Hammers Nail Into Head After “Hearing Voice”
Yes, news about crazy people. We know you want it.
And finally...
Chinese gamer sentenced to life
Man stabs and kills another man. Because he sold his on-line-role-playing-game sword for real money in the real world. It was probably a pretty cool sword.
Wednesday, June 08, 2005
Not to worry you, or anything...
But they'll be some light work out of the Western Branch of Fjord for the next few days. Lotsa links, but not much original text. June's been a touch more brutal than was predicted by my personal astrologer, and what with my resort to run, and my various addictions to feed (food, gambling, speed, liquor, rubic's-cube, sex, swordcane polishing, postcard collecting, fetish photography, twine-balling, street racing, shaving, dishwashing, prank-phonecalling, suit tailoring (amongst others)) I'm spread pretty thin. So I'm going to dial it back for a few days.
Hello Gang
Here's some interesting precipitation...
Man's leg falls out of plane, lands in backyard
Pam Hearne heard "a loud crash'' and later was stunned to see a foot clad in an Adidas sneaker and a sock in her yard, said Officer Thomas Blanchard. The leg, with hip and spine attached, dented the shingled roof of her garage before bouncing into the lawn.
I politely inquired from my friend who sent me the link, "and what kind of lawn tool would you use to pick up a severed leg and spine? A pitchfork?"
She replied, "Spine Weasel."
Man's leg falls out of plane, lands in backyard
Pam Hearne heard "a loud crash'' and later was stunned to see a foot clad in an Adidas sneaker and a sock in her yard, said Officer Thomas Blanchard. The leg, with hip and spine attached, dented the shingled roof of her garage before bouncing into the lawn.
I politely inquired from my friend who sent me the link, "and what kind of lawn tool would you use to pick up a severed leg and spine? A pitchfork?"
She replied, "Spine Weasel."
Monday, June 06, 2005
I've loved the idea of being a smuggler
Probably since Miami Vice was a #1 hit teevee show.
However, sometimes, real smugglers are not exactly the type that are glorified by the media. Such as this little vixen.
The key quote from the story...
While examining the 43-year-old woman's bags on Friday, officials reportedly heard "flipping noises from the vicinity of her waist".
Okay, lemme just say again in quotes (cause sometimes you just gotta quote)
"FLIPPING NOISES??!!??"
Maybe, if you fjordwatchers are lucky...I mean really, really fucking lucky, I'll write the 1st hand account of the fellow trapped in a 15 hour trans-oceanic flight, stuck next to the woman who for the entire time, was making "flipping noises" from the vicinity of her waist.
+++++++++++++
And for those of you keeping track out there, once again, my stats for the Eastern Conference Finals, Game 7
M:6 T:2 N:8 C:10 ML:4 R:1 D:$19.23 FSR:3 DG:0
However, sometimes, real smugglers are not exactly the type that are glorified by the media. Such as this little vixen.
The key quote from the story...
While examining the 43-year-old woman's bags on Friday, officials reportedly heard "flipping noises from the vicinity of her waist".
Okay, lemme just say again in quotes (cause sometimes you just gotta quote)
"FLIPPING NOISES??!!??"
Maybe, if you fjordwatchers are lucky...I mean really, really fucking lucky, I'll write the 1st hand account of the fellow trapped in a 15 hour trans-oceanic flight, stuck next to the woman who for the entire time, was making "flipping noises" from the vicinity of her waist.
+++++++++++++
And for those of you keeping track out there, once again, my stats for the Eastern Conference Finals, Game 7
M:6 T:2 N:8 C:10 ML:4 R:1 D:$19.23 FSR:3 DG:0
Sunday, June 05, 2005
Can this...is this..could this be real??
Hmmm...
Japanese scientists are to explore the centre of the Earth. Using a giant drill ship launched next month, the researchers aim to be the first to punch a hole through the rocky crust that covers our planet and to reach the mantle below.
The 57,500-tonne drill ship Chikyu (Japanese for Earth) is being prepared in the southern port of Nagasaki. Two-thirds the length of the Titanic, it is fitted with technology borrowed from the oil industry that will allow it to bore through 7,000 metres of crust below the seabed while floating in 2,500 metres of water - requiring a drill pipe 25 times the height of the Empire State building.
It could take more than a year to drive through miles of crust and reach the mantle, so the ship is fitted with six rotating thrusters controlled by GPS satellites to keep it directly over the hole. The drill is surrounded by a sleeve that contains a shock-absorbing chemical mud, and a blowout valve will protect it should the team strike oil or superheated rock in the crust.
Japanese scientists are to explore the centre of the Earth. Using a giant drill ship launched next month, the researchers aim to be the first to punch a hole through the rocky crust that covers our planet and to reach the mantle below.
The 57,500-tonne drill ship Chikyu (Japanese for Earth) is being prepared in the southern port of Nagasaki. Two-thirds the length of the Titanic, it is fitted with technology borrowed from the oil industry that will allow it to bore through 7,000 metres of crust below the seabed while floating in 2,500 metres of water - requiring a drill pipe 25 times the height of the Empire State building.
It could take more than a year to drive through miles of crust and reach the mantle, so the ship is fitted with six rotating thrusters controlled by GPS satellites to keep it directly over the hole. The drill is surrounded by a sleeve that contains a shock-absorbing chemical mud, and a blowout valve will protect it should the team strike oil or superheated rock in the crust.
I think it's real...it's from "the Guardian" which is not usually a crackpot publication. If it is, I'm kinda concerned in a "no - do not make a black hole on our planet" kinda way. But it's also pretty damn cool.
Saturday, June 04, 2005
The Internets Made Easy
Just sayin' a quick "Mr. Goddamn Dario Tsunami" is here to advertise a fellow blogger that doesn't read Fjord. (at least not until this post, inwhich he'll read like three pages of our Fjordian-goop and become hooked.)
However, I've become entranced with Pops Bucket who has quite a "way with words" at his disposal. It also doesn't hurt that he usually throws down something great every day.
However, I've become entranced with Pops Bucket who has quite a "way with words" at his disposal. It also doesn't hurt that he usually throws down something great every day.
I Really Like it When Old People Smell Good
Not like impending death like most old people do, you know?
I walked past a hella cute old couple on the sidewalk today and, like I always do, I braced myself for the sickly sweet smell of decaying flesh. Needless to say, I was more than pleasantly surprised when what wafted through my nostrils instead was a truly nice scent. A hard to explain, but downright sublime odor. Not the kind of smell that someone younger, or more virile, would ever smell like in 100,000 years, but a sort of, "That smell reminds me of a time I never lived in, in a town I never saw, hanging with a dog I never owned," kind of smell. Just nice, you know?
And so, to good smelling geriatrics everywhere, this post goes out to you. May your feet be always draped in comfy slippers and your colostomy bags emptied regularly...
I walked past a hella cute old couple on the sidewalk today and, like I always do, I braced myself for the sickly sweet smell of decaying flesh. Needless to say, I was more than pleasantly surprised when what wafted through my nostrils instead was a truly nice scent. A hard to explain, but downright sublime odor. Not the kind of smell that someone younger, or more virile, would ever smell like in 100,000 years, but a sort of, "That smell reminds me of a time I never lived in, in a town I never saw, hanging with a dog I never owned," kind of smell. Just nice, you know?
And so, to good smelling geriatrics everywhere, this post goes out to you. May your feet be always draped in comfy slippers and your colostomy bags emptied regularly...
Friday, June 03, 2005
Happy Universe Day!!!
So lemme as you, "What'd you get for Universe Day?"
Me, like usual, got a Big Cup of Shut the Fuck Up. Good thing I got this on-line blog-deal-i-o. You might be able to grab my tongue with a clamp, pull it out of my mouth and slice it off with a nice sharp x-acto blade, and throw it in the bedpan - leaving something along the lines of something you'd see in a fear factor eating-gross-off. But I still got my fingers. Take them too? No prob - got's my nose! Slice that off? I'll figure out how to use these toes, they call 'em "appendages" and "digits" just like fingers. Know what I'm sayin'? I'm ON-LINE MOTHAFUCKA'! Can't stop the bum rush.
Which, is (the bum's rush) what I got's a heaping (rotting fish guts-eating-gross-off) plateful of this week. Holy Google Search for "seething rage at everything."
Perhaps it would be better if I told these ambiguous ramblings in the form of a story. Go here, read the story. For those of you with no fingers, I'll paraphrase (with some cutting and pasting)
the researchers believe humans simply would not have had the hunting technologies to take out so many large creatures.
"There is not a single stone-spearpoint in Australia until, at the very earliest, about 15,000 years ago - long after anyone thinks the megafauna went extinct," co-author Dr Stephen Wroe, from the University of Sydney, told the BBC News website.
"You try taking out a two-to-three-ton wombat with a pointy stick."
This week was a three ton wombat, and I was a lightly-muscled humanid with a pointy stick.
Anyways, all this pratter aside, "What'd you get the Universe for Universe Day?" Unlike usual - where I place a poorly worded message on the Universe's answering machine 'cause the Universe is out doing something special for Universe Day, I got the Universe a card. It was one of those blank ones, with a black and white photo of something photogenic from Paris or Italy or somesuch far-off place. On the inside I had written in small block printing,
"If you had a Native American Indian name, it would be Shitting Bull."
Oh - before I forget, my stats for the Eastern Conference Finals last night:
P:6 M:1 F:67 C:15 DG:1 T:20 S:1 W:1 DRH:1 PAH:1
Obviously, with the kind of week I just had, and I pull out a night like this, I'm workin' towards the MVP.
Hope you are too.
Happy Friday
Me, like usual, got a Big Cup of Shut the Fuck Up. Good thing I got this on-line blog-deal-i-o. You might be able to grab my tongue with a clamp, pull it out of my mouth and slice it off with a nice sharp x-acto blade, and throw it in the bedpan - leaving something along the lines of something you'd see in a fear factor eating-gross-off. But I still got my fingers. Take them too? No prob - got's my nose! Slice that off? I'll figure out how to use these toes, they call 'em "appendages" and "digits" just like fingers. Know what I'm sayin'? I'm ON-LINE MOTHAFUCKA'! Can't stop the bum rush.
Which, is (the bum's rush) what I got's a heaping (rotting fish guts-eating-gross-off) plateful of this week. Holy Google Search for "seething rage at everything."
Perhaps it would be better if I told these ambiguous ramblings in the form of a story. Go here, read the story. For those of you with no fingers, I'll paraphrase (with some cutting and pasting)
the researchers believe humans simply would not have had the hunting technologies to take out so many large creatures.
"There is not a single stone-spearpoint in Australia until, at the very earliest, about 15,000 years ago - long after anyone thinks the megafauna went extinct," co-author Dr Stephen Wroe, from the University of Sydney, told the BBC News website.
"You try taking out a two-to-three-ton wombat with a pointy stick."
This week was a three ton wombat, and I was a lightly-muscled humanid with a pointy stick.
Anyways, all this pratter aside, "What'd you get the Universe for Universe Day?" Unlike usual - where I place a poorly worded message on the Universe's answering machine 'cause the Universe is out doing something special for Universe Day, I got the Universe a card. It was one of those blank ones, with a black and white photo of something photogenic from Paris or Italy or somesuch far-off place. On the inside I had written in small block printing,
"If you had a Native American Indian name, it would be Shitting Bull."
Oh - before I forget, my stats for the Eastern Conference Finals last night:
P:6 M:1 F:67 C:15 DG:1 T:20 S:1 W:1 DRH:1 PAH:1
Obviously, with the kind of week I just had, and I pull out a night like this, I'm workin' towards the MVP.
Hope you are too.
Happy Friday
A Few Friday Questions...
Hey y'all! A heartfelt Happy Friday to you! What are you guys doing this weekend? Really? That sounds cool! The funny thing is, that's exactly what I'm doing! Maybe I'll see you there....
As the title suggests, I have a few questions for you sweet, lucky Fjordlings today. Don't worry, they are not tough. I know it's Friday, after all......Here goes:
Whilst having a conversation yesterday, it occurred to me that I am attracted to the homeless. Their unpredictability. Their general stink. The idea of the undoubted nest of pubic lice they've got running around, promising a gentle ball massage during love making....Yikes! I got it bad, got it bad, got it bad...I'm hot for homeless......Now the question:
Am I the only one who feels this way?
Whenever I hear a Russian with a really bad cough, I feel bad because I know they're probably gonna die soon. When I hear someone from another culture cough, it doesn't worry me so much, but for some reason, I feel like Russians are more prone to deadly viral infections......Now the question:
Is this fear at all rooted in fact, or am I a former communist?
When I was very young, I senselessly bludgeoned a frog to death with a stick. To this day, it's the most violent act I've ever committed. Even though I didn't lay down naked next to the frog's corpse upon completion of the bludgeoning (like some sort of Dahmer youth), the fact that I did something so cold-blooded still haunts me to this day. I mean, I actually really like frogs....Now, the question:
Did I ever tell you about the time I senselessly bludgeoned that frog?
Well, there you go my sweet Fjordsters! Answer these at your leisure. Have a sexy, relaxing and safe weekend and remember that maybe, just maybe, we'll never be able to overcome any of our differences, we'll never "just get along" and the war on terror will never just be a river in Egypt. At the end of the day, isn't that what matters most?
As the title suggests, I have a few questions for you sweet, lucky Fjordlings today. Don't worry, they are not tough. I know it's Friday, after all......Here goes:
Whilst having a conversation yesterday, it occurred to me that I am attracted to the homeless. Their unpredictability. Their general stink. The idea of the undoubted nest of pubic lice they've got running around, promising a gentle ball massage during love making....Yikes! I got it bad, got it bad, got it bad...I'm hot for homeless......Now the question:
Am I the only one who feels this way?
Whenever I hear a Russian with a really bad cough, I feel bad because I know they're probably gonna die soon. When I hear someone from another culture cough, it doesn't worry me so much, but for some reason, I feel like Russians are more prone to deadly viral infections......Now the question:
Is this fear at all rooted in fact, or am I a former communist?
When I was very young, I senselessly bludgeoned a frog to death with a stick. To this day, it's the most violent act I've ever committed. Even though I didn't lay down naked next to the frog's corpse upon completion of the bludgeoning (like some sort of Dahmer youth), the fact that I did something so cold-blooded still haunts me to this day. I mean, I actually really like frogs....Now, the question:
Did I ever tell you about the time I senselessly bludgeoned that frog?
Well, there you go my sweet Fjordsters! Answer these at your leisure. Have a sexy, relaxing and safe weekend and remember that maybe, just maybe, we'll never be able to overcome any of our differences, we'll never "just get along" and the war on terror will never just be a river in Egypt. At the end of the day, isn't that what matters most?
Wednesday, June 01, 2005
I'm Going All Re-Postal!!
Hey Fjordbeans! I feel a little bad cuz of my recent lousy posting habits. I'm currently working on something, so in the meantime, here's a classic Q-Dog cut for your assholes. This was originally posted on March 2nd. There are a few changes. Try to guess what they are, without looking at the original post, and receive a free Fjord gift pack!*
(Gift pack is neither free, nor does it contain gifts. In point of fact, it's very existence is questionable at best. Can't you people just play something without having to win things?!?!?!? Christ!)
Anyway, without further adieu, here's the re-post. Enjoy.......
New Study Reveals That Polls, Surveys, Numbers and Even Studies Can Be Fudged to Back Up ANY Claim!
Or so 9 out of 10 people surveyed said, according to - oh, I don't know, some magazine I read that conducted some independent study on numbers reflected by polls. Hell, let's even go so far as to say there was no magazine, but this study was done by me for Fjord. Yes, 7 out of 13 people asked agreed that's a more credible story. Everyone knows I don't read. Well, at least 4 out of 8 of you do, according to findings printed in MIT's study entitled "Give Us A Break, Q-Dog, 4 of Us Are Quite Aware You Don't Read." Come, let me show you how to make a number say anything you want it to, including the word "BOOBS," if you have access to a calculator that can be turned upside down. That, however, may be a whole other post.
First, let's think of a number. Let's say....oh, I don't know.....12. Ok? 12. Now, in order to make this number say what you want it to, you must first take the number "1." So far so good, right? Ok, now that you have your "1" you're going to need a "2." Great, you're almost there, but now comes the tricky part. Converting "number" to "word." While this may be the hard part, it's also the most rewarding, as this is the part where you can begin to make your numbers say anything you want. Try to follow. In lieu of using the numbered keys on the top of your computer's keypads, use the letters and type: T-W-E-L-V-E, or twelve. Dear Gjod, you've just made a "number" say the "word" twelve! Exciting, right? Now that you know how to do this, you can take any number, convert it to a word, and skew EVERYTHING to your liking! This works with anything, folks. From algebra to percentages. To wit:
Out of eight million people surveyed, ALL of them believe "Kevin" to be a fine name. Using the common algebraic formula "X" - "PI" times the square root of "Hmm," that's an astonishing 435,897% of people who think you could do worse than to name your child "Kevin!"
Conversely, 100% of people polled said that if they met a "Kevin" on the streets they'd murder him/her......
Happy June!
(Gift pack is neither free, nor does it contain gifts. In point of fact, it's very existence is questionable at best. Can't you people just play something without having to win things?!?!?!? Christ!)
Anyway, without further adieu, here's the re-post. Enjoy.......
New Study Reveals That Polls, Surveys, Numbers and Even Studies Can Be Fudged to Back Up ANY Claim!
Or so 9 out of 10 people surveyed said, according to - oh, I don't know, some magazine I read that conducted some independent study on numbers reflected by polls. Hell, let's even go so far as to say there was no magazine, but this study was done by me for Fjord. Yes, 7 out of 13 people asked agreed that's a more credible story. Everyone knows I don't read. Well, at least 4 out of 8 of you do, according to findings printed in MIT's study entitled "Give Us A Break, Q-Dog, 4 of Us Are Quite Aware You Don't Read." Come, let me show you how to make a number say anything you want it to, including the word "BOOBS," if you have access to a calculator that can be turned upside down. That, however, may be a whole other post.
First, let's think of a number. Let's say....oh, I don't know.....12. Ok? 12. Now, in order to make this number say what you want it to, you must first take the number "1." So far so good, right? Ok, now that you have your "1" you're going to need a "2." Great, you're almost there, but now comes the tricky part. Converting "number" to "word." While this may be the hard part, it's also the most rewarding, as this is the part where you can begin to make your numbers say anything you want. Try to follow. In lieu of using the numbered keys on the top of your computer's keypads, use the letters and type: T-W-E-L-V-E, or twelve. Dear Gjod, you've just made a "number" say the "word" twelve! Exciting, right? Now that you know how to do this, you can take any number, convert it to a word, and skew EVERYTHING to your liking! This works with anything, folks. From algebra to percentages. To wit:
Out of eight million people surveyed, ALL of them believe "Kevin" to be a fine name. Using the common algebraic formula "X" - "PI" times the square root of "Hmm," that's an astonishing 435,897% of people who think you could do worse than to name your child "Kevin!"
Conversely, 100% of people polled said that if they met a "Kevin" on the streets they'd murder him/her......
Happy June!
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