I'm Going All Re-Postal!!

Hey Fjordbeans! I feel a little bad cuz of my recent lousy posting habits. I'm currently working on something, so in the meantime, here's a classic Q-Dog cut for your assholes. This was originally posted on March 2nd. There are a few changes. Try to guess what they are, without looking at the original post, and receive a free Fjord gift pack!*

(Gift pack is neither free, nor does it contain gifts. In point of fact, it's very existence is questionable at best. Can't you people just play something without having to win things?!?!?!? Christ!)

Anyway, without further adieu, here's the re-post. Enjoy.......


New Study Reveals That Polls, Surveys, Numbers and Even Studies Can Be Fudged to Back Up ANY Claim!


Or so 9 out of 10 people surveyed said, according to - oh, I don't know, some magazine I read that conducted some independent study on numbers reflected by polls. Hell, let's even go so far as to say there was no magazine, but this study was done by me for Fjord. Yes, 7 out of 13 people asked agreed that's a more credible story. Everyone knows I don't read. Well, at least 4 out of 8 of you do, according to findings printed in MIT's study entitled "Give Us A Break, Q-Dog, 4 of Us Are Quite Aware You Don't Read." Come, let me show you how to make a number say anything you want it to, including the word "BOOBS," if you have access to a calculator that can be turned upside down. That, however, may be a whole other post.

First, let's think of a number. Let's say....oh, I don't know.....12. Ok? 12. Now, in order to make this number say what you want it to, you must first take the number "1." So far so good, right? Ok, now that you have your "1" you're going to need a "2." Great, you're almost there, but now comes the tricky part. Converting "number" to "word." While this may be the hard part, it's also the most rewarding, as this is the part where you can begin to make your numbers say anything you want. Try to follow. In lieu of using the numbered keys on the top of your computer's keypads, use the letters and type: T-W-E-L-V-E, or twelve. Dear Gjod, you've just made a "number" say the "word" twelve! Exciting, right? Now that you know how to do this, you can take any number, convert it to a word, and skew EVERYTHING to your liking! This works with anything, folks. From algebra to percentages. To wit:

Out of eight million people surveyed, ALL of them believe "Kevin" to be a fine name. Using the common algebraic formula "X" - "PI" times the square root of "Hmm," that's an astonishing 435,897% of people who think you could do worse than to name your child "Kevin!"

Conversely, 100% of people polled said that if they met a "Kevin" on the streets they'd murder him/her......

Happy June!