What can I say, Fjordlings? Sorry I've been away. But I don't wanna get bogged down in all of that. I wanna rant whilst I'm still irked......
Look, I live in NYC, ok? Obviously, in my neighborhood there are borderline multitudes of coffeshops. Perhaps even more obviously, most of those shops are Starbucks. Now fjolks, I like my coffee. I drink it iced and I drink it black, year round with virtually no exceptions. Yes, I drink it that way because I like the flavor. I am not some coffee tourist. I have purchased land in Coffeetown and am running for mayor there. But I digress. All I'll say is I straight refuse to go to Starbucks unless I absolutely have to have a toffee/chocolate chip brownie. Which brings me to my fury.
On Sundays in my neighborhood, for some indescribable reason, the tiny local coffeeshop closest to my house is closed. I know, right? Check it, I'll repeat: A coffeeshop. Closed. On a Sunday. The only way I can figure it is that the proprietors of said coffee hut are vehemently opposed to business. Either that, or they are retarded. I am hoping (perhaps selfishly) that they are retarded because I REALLY love retards. White retards, Black retards, Latino retards, Asian retards - clearly my love for retards knows no skin tone or boundary. In point of fact, I am picturing retards at play right now. "Hi retards! You go, drool mongers! Frolick your damaged brains out!" Heh-heh.....sigh......cute little fascinatingly disturbing bastards....
--Whoops! I digress again....Sorry Fjordbirds.....--
At any rate, as my local coffee emporium is not accepting dolla' dolla' bills y'all on a Sunday and I rarely feel the need for the aforementioned Starbucks brownie, I am forced to go to this other coffeeshop to strap my caffeine bean on. But this isn't your regular, run of the mill shop Fjordlings. This place is packed to it's breaking point with Krishna loving, shit eating, dogma spewing, fuzzy fucking, stink piles of flesh I call ----HIPPIES! That's right, say it with me, HIPPIES. Now, anyone who's read my stuff in the past knows how I feel about these wastes of resources. I guess one could say that my love for retards is balanced by my loathe of hippies. White hippies, Black hippies, Latino hippies, Polynesian hippies, they can all suck from the gigantic teat hanging from a neon sign that reads, "Suck Here, Hippie Fuck Wart."
Yeah, you know what? Fuck it, y'all. Next week I'm going to Starbucks and while I'm sitting there drinking my Vente Whatever, I'm gonna close my eyes and dream of retards playing ball. Oh man! That one just got smashed in the face with the ball! And now he's running after the retard who threw it!
Shit, you guys, there is nothing more quizzically adorable than a retard chasing revenge.....
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