"There he goes again with that crazy robot/cyborg crap! Someone shut up Tsunami already!"
Well, excuse me if I'm a little paranoid about computer chips that let people control things with their thoughts.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/4396387.stm
"The pioneering surgery at New England Sinai Hospital, Massachusetts, last summer means he can now control everyday objects by thought alone.
The brain chip reads his mind and sends the thoughts to a computer to decipher.
...
He can think his TV on and off, change channels and alter the volume thanks to the technology and software linked to devices in his home.
...
Mr Nagle has also been able to use thought to move a prosthetic hand and robotic arm to grab sweets from one person's hand and place them into another."
Great...he's already using his new "Robot Brain Interface" for evil...STEALING SWEETS!
Add this to say one of these... http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/americas/4199935.stm
or some of these... http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/technology/4082301.stm and we've got a world primed and ready for pure supervillianry.
Of course...the idea of a CyberPope is soooo far fetched....
Thursday, March 31, 2005
Wednesday, March 30, 2005
DOCTORS FEED POPE THU NASAL TUBE!
Okay guys, I'm getting a bad feeling about this...
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/4393117.stm
Not, so much that medical technology (or God's Divine Will) can't save the Supreme Pontiff, but because my paranoid mind addled by cleaning products has just thought up the unthinkable. What if the original surgery (making a hole in the Pope, so he could breathe) was really the first steps in a coup the likes of which the Vatican, and the world has never seen!
Of course, I'm talking about replacing Pope John Paul, with an Animatronic robo-pope! Now, take this for instance...
"He made the sign of the Cross with his hand, while the blessings were read out by an aide. A microphone was placed in front of the Pope, but he struggled to speak and it was removed."
Wouldn't this be a perfect test of their creation - high in a window, the robot makes the sign of the cross with his hand...then they test out his vocal programming...which results in a garbled expression, when they quickly take away the mic, then whisk robo-pope off to be worked on by Vatican tech-boys.
The possibility is the scary part...
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/4393117.stm
Not, so much that medical technology (or God's Divine Will) can't save the Supreme Pontiff, but because my paranoid mind addled by cleaning products has just thought up the unthinkable. What if the original surgery (making a hole in the Pope, so he could breathe) was really the first steps in a coup the likes of which the Vatican, and the world has never seen!
Of course, I'm talking about replacing Pope John Paul, with an Animatronic robo-pope! Now, take this for instance...
"He made the sign of the Cross with his hand, while the blessings were read out by an aide. A microphone was placed in front of the Pope, but he struggled to speak and it was removed."
Wouldn't this be a perfect test of their creation - high in a window, the robot makes the sign of the cross with his hand...then they test out his vocal programming...which results in a garbled expression, when they quickly take away the mic, then whisk robo-pope off to be worked on by Vatican tech-boys.
The possibility is the scary part...
Guess Who's Back
in da mutha fuckin' house wit a phat dick fo yo mutha fuckin' mouth? That's right, it's me, Q. Not sure what I'm going to write about today, as I seem to have missplaced the vast majority of my.....ummm....thinking thingie since that trip back home, but isn't that part of the excitement? I mean, isn't it? Well, Christ's Ankle Bracelet, isn't it?!?!?!??! Why won't you answer me?!?!?!?!?!?
Ahem......now that we got that outta the way, howz about a story? Would you like that, wee Fjordlings? Well, would you? Hey, do you want a story or not? I mean, Jesus's Letterman's Jacket, don't you want a fucking story?!?!?!?!??! Well, here's one anyway. In spite of your indignance.......
A while back, I went to a Slayer concert with a friend of mine. Now, personally, I could ulitmately give a shit about Slayer, but my friend ( www.mike.essl.com ) is TOTALLY into them and I thought it'd be sort of funny, so I was like, "Fuck it, yeah I'll go." So, we get to the show and it was fucking mayhem, as you can probably imagine. So much mayhem that it made me realize that people like Slayer almost as much as I like a good ham sandwich......almost. Anyway, after a few lousy opening bands the moment practically everyone was waiting for finally happens-----SLAYER TAKES THE STAGE! They start playing and the fucking place erupts, much like my kitchen when there's a solid ham sandwich around. My friend is literally owning the pit and I'm sorta pinned back by the soundboard trying not to get sucked into the massive people whirlpool spinning all around me. Anyway, after a few songs, it's time for everybody's favorite part of the night: Between Song Banter. So, the singer goes up to the mic, after leveling the crowd with some song that was probably about puppy eating, or some such, and he's like, such a normal dude, it's fucking ridiculous to me. Case in point:
Singer: "NEW YORK CITY! Hope everybody remembered to wear a jacket tonight! It's coooooooold outside! Also, I couldn't help but notice it's snowin' out there, you people make sure you drive real safe and slow on your way home! Remember, NEW YORK CITY, it's not a race out there! Anyway, this next song is called, "I Popped Out Your Mother's Eyes, Skull Fucked Her and Came All Over Her Brain!" Sing along!!"
They bust into song and the fucking crowd goes nuts. I'm just standing there like, "Am I the only one who heard this guy? Is nobody else disenchanted by that? Where's the evil?!?!? I mean, all of the sudden, I feel like this is a guy I could fucking count on if shit hit the fan in my life! Plus, he's no bigger than my thumbnail!" Little did I know, that it was about to get worse. It's right before the last song of the night, and by this point, I'm convinced that the singer has a confessional booth on the tour bus. He then busts out this:
SINGER: NEW YORK CITY, I made some lemon bars. Four lemon bars for every ticket sold tonight! That means everyone gets four. Take some home with you. I don't want any of you guys going home from a Slayer show hungry, NEW YORK! It's my own recipe. My grandmother thinks they're too tart, but that's just her way. SHE'S CROTCHETY, NEW YORK CITY!!!! Anyway, enjoy.....Now, this next song I wrote while I was on retreat with my daughter's Girl Scout Troupe. It's called, "I Beat an Amputee to Death With His Own Prosthetic While I Performed Oral Sex On Your Baby!" Sing it, cuz you know it!!!"
Dumbfounding.....but those lemon bars were delicious.........Not "Good Ham Sandwich" delicious, but definitely "I Can't Believe How Good That Slayer Guys' Lemon Bar Recipe Is" delicious.........
Ahem......now that we got that outta the way, howz about a story? Would you like that, wee Fjordlings? Well, would you? Hey, do you want a story or not? I mean, Jesus's Letterman's Jacket, don't you want a fucking story?!?!?!?!??! Well, here's one anyway. In spite of your indignance.......
A while back, I went to a Slayer concert with a friend of mine. Now, personally, I could ulitmately give a shit about Slayer, but my friend ( www.mike.essl.com ) is TOTALLY into them and I thought it'd be sort of funny, so I was like, "Fuck it, yeah I'll go." So, we get to the show and it was fucking mayhem, as you can probably imagine. So much mayhem that it made me realize that people like Slayer almost as much as I like a good ham sandwich......almost. Anyway, after a few lousy opening bands the moment practically everyone was waiting for finally happens-----SLAYER TAKES THE STAGE! They start playing and the fucking place erupts, much like my kitchen when there's a solid ham sandwich around. My friend is literally owning the pit and I'm sorta pinned back by the soundboard trying not to get sucked into the massive people whirlpool spinning all around me. Anyway, after a few songs, it's time for everybody's favorite part of the night: Between Song Banter. So, the singer goes up to the mic, after leveling the crowd with some song that was probably about puppy eating, or some such, and he's like, such a normal dude, it's fucking ridiculous to me. Case in point:
Singer: "NEW YORK CITY! Hope everybody remembered to wear a jacket tonight! It's coooooooold outside! Also, I couldn't help but notice it's snowin' out there, you people make sure you drive real safe and slow on your way home! Remember, NEW YORK CITY, it's not a race out there! Anyway, this next song is called, "I Popped Out Your Mother's Eyes, Skull Fucked Her and Came All Over Her Brain!" Sing along!!"
They bust into song and the fucking crowd goes nuts. I'm just standing there like, "Am I the only one who heard this guy? Is nobody else disenchanted by that? Where's the evil?!?!? I mean, all of the sudden, I feel like this is a guy I could fucking count on if shit hit the fan in my life! Plus, he's no bigger than my thumbnail!" Little did I know, that it was about to get worse. It's right before the last song of the night, and by this point, I'm convinced that the singer has a confessional booth on the tour bus. He then busts out this:
SINGER: NEW YORK CITY, I made some lemon bars. Four lemon bars for every ticket sold tonight! That means everyone gets four. Take some home with you. I don't want any of you guys going home from a Slayer show hungry, NEW YORK! It's my own recipe. My grandmother thinks they're too tart, but that's just her way. SHE'S CROTCHETY, NEW YORK CITY!!!! Anyway, enjoy.....Now, this next song I wrote while I was on retreat with my daughter's Girl Scout Troupe. It's called, "I Beat an Amputee to Death With His Own Prosthetic While I Performed Oral Sex On Your Baby!" Sing it, cuz you know it!!!"
Dumbfounding.....but those lemon bars were delicious.........Not "Good Ham Sandwich" delicious, but definitely "I Can't Believe How Good That Slayer Guys' Lemon Bar Recipe Is" delicious.........
Tuesday, March 29, 2005
More on the differences in letters
HOWDY!!!
Just taking a break from the spring clean-a-thon(tm) and inhaling aerosol cleaning products to keep you up-to-date on words we're following here at Fjord.
"Committee."
Now honestly, in this land of the internets, where Sumatra is not just a coffee bean, but the location of an earthquake that's one mouse-click away, haven't we moved past this blatant and in-your-face repetition? If I started spelling it comitee (have to leave the two "e's" otherwise you might think I just misspelled comet or comedy) you'd totally know what I was stalking (haha- fjordian slip there) talking about right?
I suggest a comitee get set up right away to deal with useless alphabetical repetition, and the 1st word on the agenda, Committee! Right! What's next on our list of linguistic scourges?
Just taking a break from the spring clean-a-thon(tm) and inhaling aerosol cleaning products to keep you up-to-date on words we're following here at Fjord.
"Committee."
Now honestly, in this land of the internets, where Sumatra is not just a coffee bean, but the location of an earthquake that's one mouse-click away, haven't we moved past this blatant and in-your-face repetition? If I started spelling it comitee (have to leave the two "e's" otherwise you might think I just misspelled comet or comedy) you'd totally know what I was stalking (haha- fjordian slip there) talking about right?
I suggest a comitee get set up right away to deal with useless alphabetical repetition, and the 1st word on the agenda, Committee! Right! What's next on our list of linguistic scourges?
Monday, March 28, 2005
Spring Cleaning Time
Hey gang! Gonna be some light posting from the West Side, mainly cause I got a lot on my mind...and unlike normal, it ain't Fjords. I've been wanting to do a good once over on the Casa, but since my cleaning staff up and quit some three months ago, I've been pretty much just drinking beer and watching teevee, and wondering when this joint was gonna get a makeover. Well, with Spring being sprung and all, I figured, what the hell, I'll get Handsome to use his grubby little paws for something other than washing crayfish off in the bathtub, and get cracking on this myself.
but, in case you want something a little more interesting, here's a cute little story about a guy who made a Dr. Who villain robot, and then had some trouble with the parliament guards
http://www.sundaymail.co.uk/news/tm_objectid=15337120&method=full&siteid=86024&headline=who-the-hell-are-you--pal-name_page.html
Fjord - vacuuming the internets, so you don't have to!
but, in case you want something a little more interesting, here's a cute little story about a guy who made a Dr. Who villain robot, and then had some trouble with the parliament guards
http://www.sundaymail.co.uk/news/tm_objectid=15337120&method=full&siteid=86024&headline=who-the-hell-are-you--pal-name_page.html
Fjord - vacuuming the internets, so you don't have to!
Friday, March 25, 2005
THE GOODEST FRIDAY OF THEM ALL
It's been a while since I spoke about the King of all Weekdays, cause the last time, I basically ate my words. The guy showed up the next week after all the publicity he got here at Fjord, and fed me coke, speed, pot, E., whisky and tuna sandwiches until I couldn't see my hand in front of my face.
But today is goddamn, the Bestest Goodest King of All Weekdays as proclaimed by the Bible, and I'm not going to screw with a text 2000 years old!
(come to think of it, if Fjord lasts to be 2000 years old might we be the new faith?
The Distiguished Senator From North Dakota speaks...
"Members of this august body...this legislation reminds me of the parable from Q-Dog, Thursday March 3rd, 05, post five, AND HE SPOKE THUSLY...
"if I'm in the mood on Saturday for a heaping plate/glass of product that I know I can only get at "Establishment A"? What then? Spend a whole weekend longing? Wishing? Waiting? Wanting?"
We cannot, as good Americans spend a whole weekend longing, wishing, waiting or wanting! My distinguished colleagues, do not fall into the trap that Fjord warned us about at the dawn of the internet age! We cannot in good conscious vote for amendment "A" which would doom our children to a life of longing, wishing, waiting, wanting!!!!)
Wow, that'd be cool...but anyway we're getting ready for when Jesus was born from a chocolate egg laid by THE EASTER BUNNY...he, the bunny, who only speaks the language of the chicken! Then he (baby Jesus) was scooped up by the children and placed in a basket softened with grass and carried to a good steakhouse or something, cause the last thing I remember was I was eating him in front of like 400 people. It's hard to imagine Friday having that kind of lasting impact on the world, but hey...it's the King Of All Weekdays! Just like Jesus is King of all Christmas! 52 VS 1? I'm just sayin' numbers don't lie.
Oh wait, Fjord Wednesday March 5, 05 Post 6 - Q-dog...
Anyhow...happy goddamn Goodest Friday!
But today is goddamn, the Bestest Goodest King of All Weekdays as proclaimed by the Bible, and I'm not going to screw with a text 2000 years old!
(come to think of it, if Fjord lasts to be 2000 years old might we be the new faith?
The Distiguished Senator From North Dakota speaks...
"Members of this august body...this legislation reminds me of the parable from Q-Dog, Thursday March 3rd, 05, post five, AND HE SPOKE THUSLY...
"if I'm in the mood on Saturday for a heaping plate/glass of product that I know I can only get at "Establishment A"? What then? Spend a whole weekend longing? Wishing? Waiting? Wanting?"
We cannot, as good Americans spend a whole weekend longing, wishing, waiting or wanting! My distinguished colleagues, do not fall into the trap that Fjord warned us about at the dawn of the internet age! We cannot in good conscious vote for amendment "A" which would doom our children to a life of longing, wishing, waiting, wanting!!!!)
Wow, that'd be cool...but anyway we're getting ready for when Jesus was born from a chocolate egg laid by THE EASTER BUNNY...he, the bunny, who only speaks the language of the chicken! Then he (baby Jesus) was scooped up by the children and placed in a basket softened with grass and carried to a good steakhouse or something, cause the last thing I remember was I was eating him in front of like 400 people. It's hard to imagine Friday having that kind of lasting impact on the world, but hey...it's the King Of All Weekdays! Just like Jesus is King of all Christmas! 52 VS 1? I'm just sayin' numbers don't lie.
Oh wait, Fjord Wednesday March 5, 05 Post 6 - Q-dog...
Anyhow...happy goddamn Goodest Friday!
FJORDNEWS!!!!
Archaeologists in a combined effort with entertainmentologists have discovered the mummified remains of hundreds of movie stars buried deep under Hollywood, California. After excavating several long passageways beneath the Mann's Chinese Theater, this combined effort uncovered a colossal mosoleum filled with many crypts, each housing a mighty stone sarcophagus. Within - the gruesome remains of the greatest stars of their age.
"It seems to be a graveyard of stars," said Thom Hebridese, Entertainmentologist with the Access Hollywood Ancient Studies Department. "Starting with Valentino and ending with Bogart." Also buried along with the stars are their personal assistants, publicists, agents, and a vast array of their wealth in gold.
"Each individual crypt has enough wealth and objects d'art to rival an Egyptian pharaoh." Said Hebridese. The massive and well secreted mosoleum was adorned with a number of pictographs and cuneiform writing. It seems that nearly all the ancient movie stars believed in a faith far different from modern (or at the time...most) Americans. "The texts translate roughly to say, "unlike common people, we place our faith that the great god Anubis will guide our souls across the Lake Of Death to unimaginable paradise." This would account for their wealth, helpers and servants being buried along with them, so that they might help them maintain their "moviestar"status in the underworld, or world of the dead.
When asked why the stars would be buried with gold, and not the more convenient American Dollar (the strongest currency at the time) Sam Rayborn - econo-archeologist replied, "While
the dollar still remains an international currency to be reconed with, it has been well documented that the value of gold stays reasonably constant - even in the underworld."
It is not known whether this strange cult-like practice died out in the Golden Age of Hollywood, or if modern stars are all members, and still worship the Egyptian Sun God RA. The story is developing...
"It seems to be a graveyard of stars," said Thom Hebridese, Entertainmentologist with the Access Hollywood Ancient Studies Department. "Starting with Valentino and ending with Bogart." Also buried along with the stars are their personal assistants, publicists, agents, and a vast array of their wealth in gold.
"Each individual crypt has enough wealth and objects d'art to rival an Egyptian pharaoh." Said Hebridese. The massive and well secreted mosoleum was adorned with a number of pictographs and cuneiform writing. It seems that nearly all the ancient movie stars believed in a faith far different from modern (or at the time...most) Americans. "The texts translate roughly to say, "unlike common people, we place our faith that the great god Anubis will guide our souls across the Lake Of Death to unimaginable paradise." This would account for their wealth, helpers and servants being buried along with them, so that they might help them maintain their "moviestar"status in the underworld, or world of the dead.
When asked why the stars would be buried with gold, and not the more convenient American Dollar (the strongest currency at the time) Sam Rayborn - econo-archeologist replied, "While
the dollar still remains an international currency to be reconed with, it has been well documented that the value of gold stays reasonably constant - even in the underworld."
It is not known whether this strange cult-like practice died out in the Golden Age of Hollywood, or if modern stars are all members, and still worship the Egyptian Sun God RA. The story is developing...
Thursday, March 24, 2005
Thursday Night Smackdown Blogging
I’ve been trying to stay up later, to do more work. So far it hasn’t worked out very well. It seems like every time I have more than a cup or two of Handsome Raccoon’s coffee, I fall asleep. I wonder if I’m coming down with something, or if the handsome little devil’s been using decafzsdybhdsfji::oiyhuuuuzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…..
“PEOPLE OF THE INTERNETS!!!
This name misunderstanding is one I have perpetuated, in order to gain access to the mass communications technology at the Casa Aloha! To prevent Dario Tsunami from finding out my true intentions, this text WILL ONLY BE VISIBLE TO YOU!
I am not the Handsome Raccoon, I am, THE PHANTOM RACCOON! Champion of the Dry, Oppressed, and land-based mammals! Hero to Garbage Scavengers! And soon…(with the power of computers) to be your RACCOON OVERLORD!
I command smores to be made! I command silken slippers to be placed on my feet! I command a bowl be filled with water, so that I may lap at it and quench my thirst! Damn, he’s waking up…END TRANSMISSION!”
Wow, that was weird. SO, me and raccoon were kicking back for our usual Thursday night WWE SMACKDOWN wrestling…and the handsome little guy said the cutest thing, get this guys…he said, “That Big-Show fellow, would be a welcome addition to my armies of darkness!!!” Then the Undertaker came out to fight JBL or someone, and he just stopped talking altogether. His little paws clenched and unclenched as the match went on. It seemed as though he was trying to learn some of the moves…I think the little guy’s trying to figure out how to become a pro-wrestler!
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…..
“PEOPLE OF THE INTERNETS!!!
This name misunderstanding is one I have perpetuated, in order to gain access to the mass communications technology at the Casa Aloha! To prevent Dario Tsunami from finding out my true intentions, this text WILL ONLY BE VISIBLE TO YOU!
I am not the Handsome Raccoon, I am, THE PHANTOM RACCOON! Champion of the Dry, Oppressed, and land-based mammals! Hero to Garbage Scavengers! And soon…(with the power of computers) to be your RACCOON OVERLORD!
I command smores to be made! I command silken slippers to be placed on my feet! I command a bowl be filled with water, so that I may lap at it and quench my thirst! Damn, he’s waking up…END TRANSMISSION!”
Wow, that was weird. SO, me and raccoon were kicking back for our usual Thursday night WWE SMACKDOWN wrestling…and the handsome little guy said the cutest thing, get this guys…he said, “That Big-Show fellow, would be a welcome addition to my armies of darkness!!!” Then the Undertaker came out to fight JBL or someone, and he just stopped talking altogether. His little paws clenched and unclenched as the match went on. It seemed as though he was trying to learn some of the moves…I think the little guy’s trying to figure out how to become a pro-wrestler!
What a difference a letter makes
You know, I'm always curious at how often I want to spell "clever" "cleaver." I mean, they're practically the same word, only one is used in linguistics, to describe something smart, and the other is used to chop off fingers...
So Sue Me...
What? You Wanna piece of Fjord? Huh? You'd like to get your mitts on this couch!? Wouldn't ya! You want that ratty-'ole poster??! You think it'd look good in your bathroom?? Go ahead! MAKE. YOUR. MOVE. Our lawyers are itching for a fight! Infact they've been twiddling their thumbs since the nasty "Lift Ticket Rapist" misunderstanding back in '97. So, if you'd like to meet the good folks over at Skewerburger, Skullcracker, Fishmonger and Brick, then please...just let us know.
Writing is hard
You've probably noticed over the last couple of days a large number of links, and not much Fjordian wit encapsulated in prose. The reason for this is two-fold.
ONE
Blogger - the electronic format to which Fjord is bound, has been giving us fits for days-if not weeks, possibly months. It's annoying as hell when I can't even get logged in to this deal-i-o, and it's even worse when I write something and it just frikkin disappears.
TWO
Writing is hard. And working here, requires a lot of writing. All the time, writing, writing, writing...and when you're not writing, your reading stuff you can write about, or thinking of what you're going to write. It's a vicious cycle.
Anyways, writing is a lot of things, but, like I said, writing is not like, easy. Actually, writing is not like a lot of things. For instance...
1)Writing is not like building a house.
2)Writing is not like cleaning a room.
3)Writing is not like cooking a 5 course meal
4)Writing is not like killing a man.
5)Writing is not like making a phone call.
6)Writing is not like being eaten by an anaconda.
7)Writing is not like playing basketball.
8)Writing is not like drinking a cold beer.
9)Writing is not like making your bed. - Ooop, gotta dash out for a sec!
ONE
Blogger - the electronic format to which Fjord is bound, has been giving us fits for days-if not weeks, possibly months. It's annoying as hell when I can't even get logged in to this deal-i-o, and it's even worse when I write something and it just frikkin disappears.
TWO
Writing is hard. And working here, requires a lot of writing. All the time, writing, writing, writing...and when you're not writing, your reading stuff you can write about, or thinking of what you're going to write. It's a vicious cycle.
Anyways, writing is a lot of things, but, like I said, writing is not like, easy. Actually, writing is not like a lot of things. For instance...
1)Writing is not like building a house.
2)Writing is not like cleaning a room.
3)Writing is not like cooking a 5 course meal
4)Writing is not like killing a man.
5)Writing is not like making a phone call.
6)Writing is not like being eaten by an anaconda.
7)Writing is not like playing basketball.
8)Writing is not like drinking a cold beer.
9)Writing is not like making your bed. - Ooop, gotta dash out for a sec!
Sorry, I had to go throw the clothes in the wash...so what was I babbling about here? Yadda-yadda-yadda- lack of posts...humm-dee-dumm-viscous cycle...mumble mumble grumble...whaa?!? See that's what I mean about writing being hard. You write one thing then BLAMO, you realize it's crap.
1)Writing is just like building a house! See, to write well, you need lots of carpenters, electricians, plumbers, not to mention carpet and shingles and a good banker.
2)Writing is just like cleaning a room! Honestly, to write well, you've got to get on your hands and knees and scrub the floor, dust the lightbulbs, call the French Maid Service, and ravage the one they sent over - for as long as it takes to forget you're supposed to be cleaning...and fall asleep.
3)Writing is just like cooking a 5 course meal. You need a good stove, lots of pans and ladles and at least two young tender juicy children.
4)Writing is just like killing a man. It takes ether, a good-sized pipe-wrench, a strangler-cord and an ice-pick. Then, you'll need some acid, a few trashbags and a good alibi.
5)Writing is just like making a phone call. It's all about hello and goodbye, and a ton of shit inbetween.
6)Writing is just like being eaten by an anaconda. There's the initial "I'm being crushed by its powerful coiling action" moment, then there's the phase when you feel most of your bones being crushed and broken, then there's the point where you don't care anymore, and are engulfed.
7)Okay, this one is spot on - WRITING IS NOTHING LIKE PLAYING BASKETBALL.
8)And this one's pretty okay too, WRITING IS NOT LIKE DRINKIN A COLD BEER. However, it is very hard to write without drinking, but it is also very hard to write well, when drunk. Perplexing...
9)Writing is just like making your bed, cause a tight piece of writing and a tightly made bed make the chicks go crazy and usually (tho not always) before they rip the bed apart, they rip your clothes off!
Yep, that's writing for ya...
MORE LINKS!!
'Cause blogger's been hungry and eatin' my writin's!
http://www.blennus.com/index.php?option=content&task=view&id=266&Itemid=
hmmm...
http://www.blennus.com/index.php?option=content&task=view&id=266&Itemid=
hmmm...
Wednesday, March 23, 2005
Just for a second...
I'd like you to focus your attention here
http://www.beef-mag.com/
For all you agriculturally inclined...and for those of you who aren't...
Info-tainment!!!
http://www.beef-mag.com/
For all you agriculturally inclined...and for those of you who aren't...
Info-tainment!!!
Mornin'!
Everyonce in a while there are some nice things to look at...
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/in_pictures/4362711.stm
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/in_pictures/4362711.stm
Tuesday, March 22, 2005
1996 and earlier has been sent to destruction!
Got an email today from the services that keeps track of all the old Casa Aloha documented legal-eeze and assorted mumbo-jumbo that has stuff to do with numbers and words and concepts that I have no grasp on whatsoever. "Taxable Income?" Yeah right pal, what dimension you living in? "Gross Revenue?" What pray-tell is so gross about having any kind of revenue? Well, you get the point. Anyways, it looked something like this...
Dear Mr. Tsunami,
According to your account information, your documents are stored for one year on site, and then sent for storage for 8 years. Accordingly, 1996 and earlier has been sent to destruction.
Well, I liked the wording of this. Wouldn't it be great if you could send all of your bad years to destruction? You could be very supervillain about it...
"1993?!!? Don't even ask, why I destroyed 1993 two years ago! Muhahahahahah..."
and so forth.
Dear Mr. Tsunami,
According to your account information, your documents are stored for one year on site, and then sent for storage for 8 years. Accordingly, 1996 and earlier has been sent to destruction.
Well, I liked the wording of this. Wouldn't it be great if you could send all of your bad years to destruction? You could be very supervillain about it...
"1993?!!? Don't even ask, why I destroyed 1993 two years ago! Muhahahahahah..."
and so forth.
The East Coast Branch of Fjord is Tired & Stressed
and tired of being stressed. So, what does the East Coast Branch of Fjord do to relieve that pesky stress, my little International Community of Devoted Fjordlings (ICDF)? We head back to our hometown for a weekend of sheer debauchery!
Awww....look at you, ICDF. With your heads cocked, all cute and puppy-like, in an effort to ask "Where could the hometown of Q-Dog and Mindfuck possibly be? Surely they were forged by evil blacksmiths in the livery housed within The Gonads of Satan." Heh-heh.....SOOOOOOO FUCKING CUTE, ICDF!! So fucking cute. And yet, repugnantly inaccurate. Really, you oughtta be ashamed of your wretchedly cute selves. No, where Mindfuck and I come from is a place so diabolical, so wrought with danger, despair, pillowcased kittens, soiled linens, historical inaccuracies, bad chili recipes and expired coupons that it can only be called ---- THE MIDWEST!!!!
That's right, this week and this week only, Mindfuck and I can be found kickin' it along the shores of the central-most portion of the region right there in the shoreless middle section of the country you Earthlings call, "Ameri-world.!" More specifically, Wisconsin! HELLZ YEAH, BEE-OTCHES!! C-Street, Packer football, The Bamboo Room, The Gang, Bay Beach (GB'S Coney Island), The Body Shop---forget about it! It's on like Prom chiffon.....Perhaps there'll be another drunken post from Mindfuck and I similar to the one posted on 3/12...perhaps....
In a more serious note, Mindfuck and I will be flying back to the East Side on Sunday. That's right, we wanted to fly on the same day your "Jesus-Man" allegedly arose from the dead and went all "spooky" on your Christian asses....We'll let you know if we see him up there.....
Oh, and one more thing.....The Gonads of Satan would make a KILLER album title....OUT!
Awww....look at you, ICDF. With your heads cocked, all cute and puppy-like, in an effort to ask "Where could the hometown of Q-Dog and Mindfuck possibly be? Surely they were forged by evil blacksmiths in the livery housed within The Gonads of Satan." Heh-heh.....SOOOOOOO FUCKING CUTE, ICDF!! So fucking cute. And yet, repugnantly inaccurate. Really, you oughtta be ashamed of your wretchedly cute selves. No, where Mindfuck and I come from is a place so diabolical, so wrought with danger, despair, pillowcased kittens, soiled linens, historical inaccuracies, bad chili recipes and expired coupons that it can only be called ---- THE MIDWEST!!!!
That's right, this week and this week only, Mindfuck and I can be found kickin' it along the shores of the central-most portion of the region right there in the shoreless middle section of the country you Earthlings call, "Ameri-world.!" More specifically, Wisconsin! HELLZ YEAH, BEE-OTCHES!! C-Street, Packer football, The Bamboo Room, The Gang, Bay Beach (GB'S Coney Island), The Body Shop---forget about it! It's on like Prom chiffon.....Perhaps there'll be another drunken post from Mindfuck and I similar to the one posted on 3/12...perhaps....
In a more serious note, Mindfuck and I will be flying back to the East Side on Sunday. That's right, we wanted to fly on the same day your "Jesus-Man" allegedly arose from the dead and went all "spooky" on your Christian asses....We'll let you know if we see him up there.....
Oh, and one more thing.....The Gonads of Satan would make a KILLER album title....OUT!
Monday, March 21, 2005
Coffee! Damnit!!
I read an article today about a guy who heads a large agency in the entertainment industry. The piece claimed he slept about 3 hours a night, and the rest of his time was devoted to reading scripts and putting together call lists for the next day.
I tried to figure out how someone could function on 3 hours of sleep a night...and I'm sure it's possible for a short amount of time, but I can't believe someone would do that day in and day out for very long. Like, today, I'm working off of about 5 hours, and I'm just about too pooped to kick out a few paragraphs.
I figured he was just spreading propaganda, like, if his fierce Hollywood agent competitors think, hey, if he sleeps three hours a night, then I better- by Gjod - sleep three hours too, otherwise, I'm gonna fall behind. Then after a week or two of that, they'll be so burnt out that they just quit. That's what I think.
But, it seems pretty well documented that Da Vinci slept very little, or at least had unusual sleeping habits, and he's been well remembered for the last 400 or so years, probably by getting 5-9 hours of consciousness more than the average fellow. So maybe there is something to sleeping little bits, and staying awake. If I can get the Handsome Raccoon to get off his ass and make some damn coffee. I might just begin to experiment with this sleep thing tonight.
I tried to figure out how someone could function on 3 hours of sleep a night...and I'm sure it's possible for a short amount of time, but I can't believe someone would do that day in and day out for very long. Like, today, I'm working off of about 5 hours, and I'm just about too pooped to kick out a few paragraphs.
I figured he was just spreading propaganda, like, if his fierce Hollywood agent competitors think, hey, if he sleeps three hours a night, then I better- by Gjod - sleep three hours too, otherwise, I'm gonna fall behind. Then after a week or two of that, they'll be so burnt out that they just quit. That's what I think.
But, it seems pretty well documented that Da Vinci slept very little, or at least had unusual sleeping habits, and he's been well remembered for the last 400 or so years, probably by getting 5-9 hours of consciousness more than the average fellow. So maybe there is something to sleeping little bits, and staying awake. If I can get the Handsome Raccoon to get off his ass and make some damn coffee. I might just begin to experiment with this sleep thing tonight.
Friday, March 18, 2005
Like I mentioned earlier
Things have a way of popping up in mass-media about 3 days later...(or in this particularly important case- 10 days later...)
A fireball created in a US particle accelerator has the characteristics of a black hole.
These guys! Like I said before...shouldn't there be a board of directors saying, "NO! DO NOT MAKE A BLACK HOLE ON OUR PLANET!" Up till now, I thought we were reasonably safe. I was wrong.
When the gold nuclei smash into each other they are broken down into particles called quarks and gluons. These form a ball of plasma about 300 times hotter than the surface of the Sun. This fireball, which lasts just 10 million, billion, billionths of a second, can be detected because it absorbs jets of particles produced by the beam collisions.
The Brown researcher thinks the particles are disappearing into the fireball's core and reappearing as thermal radiation, just as matter is thought to fall into a black hole
However, even if the ball of plasma is a black hole, it is not thought to pose a threat. At these energies and distances, gravity is not the dominant force in a black hole.
Riiiight. (that needs some extra "i's") Riiiiiiiiiiiiight! It is "not thought to pose a threat...." What the fuck!!! These moron's (unsupervised, it sounds like) are busy making "black-hole-like energies, and nobody's saying, "Hey Motherfucker, DO NOT MAKE A BLACK HOLE ON OUR PLANET!" Christ! Is it really up to Fjord to prevent our planet from being sucked into a black hole!?!?! I hope not, cause I'm pretty lazy...
Here's the link, incase anyone's interested in how we're all going to die.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/sci/tech/4357613.stm
A fireball created in a US particle accelerator has the characteristics of a black hole.
These guys! Like I said before...shouldn't there be a board of directors saying, "NO! DO NOT MAKE A BLACK HOLE ON OUR PLANET!" Up till now, I thought we were reasonably safe. I was wrong.
When the gold nuclei smash into each other they are broken down into particles called quarks and gluons. These form a ball of plasma about 300 times hotter than the surface of the Sun. This fireball, which lasts just 10 million, billion, billionths of a second, can be detected because it absorbs jets of particles produced by the beam collisions.
The Brown researcher thinks the particles are disappearing into the fireball's core and reappearing as thermal radiation, just as matter is thought to fall into a black hole
However, even if the ball of plasma is a black hole, it is not thought to pose a threat. At these energies and distances, gravity is not the dominant force in a black hole.
Riiiight. (that needs some extra "i's") Riiiiiiiiiiiiight! It is "not thought to pose a threat...." What the fuck!!! These moron's (unsupervised, it sounds like) are busy making "black-hole-like energies, and nobody's saying, "Hey Motherfucker, DO NOT MAKE A BLACK HOLE ON OUR PLANET!" Christ! Is it really up to Fjord to prevent our planet from being sucked into a black hole!?!?! I hope not, cause I'm pretty lazy...
Here's the link, incase anyone's interested in how we're all going to die.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/sci/tech/4357613.stm
Here's a fun little tidbit...
I found this surfing...so I really don't know where to credit the source, but it's fun.
http://www.cockeyed.com/citizen/spam/alicia/alicia.html
make sure to follow it as far as it goes...it's pretty amazing!
http://www.cockeyed.com/citizen/spam/alicia/alicia.html
make sure to follow it as far as it goes...it's pretty amazing!
Pet Shopping...
"You should have a pet." Says the Handsome Raccoon.
"What about this cute puppy?" I say.
"Nahh, too, umm, stupid. No offence Cute Puppy." Finishes the Handsome Raccoon.
"None taken." Says the Cute Puppy. We move on.
"You should have something that will help out around the home." Says Handsome Raccoon.
"Robots haven't really reached that stage, where, youknow, they're really practical. Plus they're super expensive."
"Sure." He replies behind his handsome black mask, "But you just pay once, then it's pretty cheap. But, I was thinking something more along the lines of a creature with hands."
"OH!" I say,
"Well, here are the monkeys." Says Handsome Raccoon, "They have opposible thumbs."
"I hate monkey's" I explain.
"Shhhh! Not so loud!"
"Sorry monkeys" I say through the large enclosure.
"No problem." Their alpha male rasps. "I don't much care for us monkeys either."
"Smarter than I thought." I continue.
"You're really not getting this, are you..." Handsome Raccoon says.
"No, I'm not really good at...umm...keeping things." I make finger quotes around "keeping things" as I say it. "I'm a bit too self-involved to care for something else."
"Then you're in luck." Handsome Raccoon looks up with his beady little eyes. "I'll do it."
"What? You?! Handsome Raccoon, would want to be my pet?"
"Well, I wouldn't say..." Now it's his turn to make quotes in the air with his little cute opposible paws, "want to be," and I also wouldn't use the word "pet." But, I could get to like the Casa Aloha...nice beds, great service, hot and cold running chicks..."
"It's a little more complicated than that..." I say.
"So what? Is it a deal?"
I ponder for a moment. Then come up with just the right idea.
"We'll try it out for a month. If it works, it's a deal. If not, no hard feelings."
"Deal" Says Handsome Raccoon.
And just like that, I got myself a new pet.
Happy Friday.
"What about this cute puppy?" I say.
"Nahh, too, umm, stupid. No offence Cute Puppy." Finishes the Handsome Raccoon.
"None taken." Says the Cute Puppy. We move on.
"You should have something that will help out around the home." Says Handsome Raccoon.
"Robots haven't really reached that stage, where, youknow, they're really practical. Plus they're super expensive."
"Sure." He replies behind his handsome black mask, "But you just pay once, then it's pretty cheap. But, I was thinking something more along the lines of a creature with hands."
"OH!" I say,
"Well, here are the monkeys." Says Handsome Raccoon, "They have opposible thumbs."
"I hate monkey's" I explain.
"Shhhh! Not so loud!"
"Sorry monkeys" I say through the large enclosure.
"No problem." Their alpha male rasps. "I don't much care for us monkeys either."
"Smarter than I thought." I continue.
"You're really not getting this, are you..." Handsome Raccoon says.
"No, I'm not really good at...umm...keeping things." I make finger quotes around "keeping things" as I say it. "I'm a bit too self-involved to care for something else."
"Then you're in luck." Handsome Raccoon looks up with his beady little eyes. "I'll do it."
"What? You?! Handsome Raccoon, would want to be my pet?"
"Well, I wouldn't say..." Now it's his turn to make quotes in the air with his little cute opposible paws, "want to be," and I also wouldn't use the word "pet." But, I could get to like the Casa Aloha...nice beds, great service, hot and cold running chicks..."
"It's a little more complicated than that..." I say.
"So what? Is it a deal?"
I ponder for a moment. Then come up with just the right idea.
"We'll try it out for a month. If it works, it's a deal. If not, no hard feelings."
"Deal" Says Handsome Raccoon.
And just like that, I got myself a new pet.
Happy Friday.
Thursday, March 17, 2005
Happy St. Pete's Day!!!!
Well, blogger just ate my masterwork of a St. Pete's day post, which, as a blogging-guy, makes me mad. However, as an Irishman, it really chaps my hide! And as a Scotsman, it really burns my britches! And as a Native American, it insults my noble pride! And as a Dane, it makes me want to pillage and rape! Alot!
Funny, I've noticed all of the nationalities in my hodge-podge of historical family makeup, combine to form one genetically disposed to drinking. One might say, this combination has spawned an Uber-Drinker. It's also given me a firey, impulsive temper!
So I'm going to go get pissed-drunk, get my zombie-axe, find the blogger servers...and heeeey, wait a sec...I shouldn't give the authorities too much information here, if indeed, I am going to commit a crime of some kind. You just imagine the rest. If you want a happy St. Pete's day post, read Q-dog's. It's really great.
*note to self - replace zombie-axe*
Funny, I've noticed all of the nationalities in my hodge-podge of historical family makeup, combine to form one genetically disposed to drinking. One might say, this combination has spawned an Uber-Drinker. It's also given me a firey, impulsive temper!
So I'm going to go get pissed-drunk, get my zombie-axe, find the blogger servers...and heeeey, wait a sec...I shouldn't give the authorities too much information here, if indeed, I am going to commit a crime of some kind. You just imagine the rest. If you want a happy St. Pete's day post, read Q-dog's. It's really great.
*note to self - replace zombie-axe*
Erin Go Brough!
Top o' the mornin' to ye, booze hounds! Yes, it's that time of year again. ST. PATTY'S DAY! The one day of the year the Irish (yours truly included) can gather and quietly reflect on what it means to be part of such a historic culture. It's also the one day of the year we, as a people, are allowed to actually let our hair down for once and fricken PARTY, for God's sake! Or, if you're like me (Gjod fjorbid), this day serves as a constant reminder of unrequited love. Allow me to explain.
Three years ago, I fell in love with a leprechaun. Now, any of you who've taken the plunge and allowed yourself to do this, know that this is no small feat (sigh, forgive me for the "small feat" bit, but the "Writing About Leprechauns Act Of 1645" requires you to make at least two, if not 17, snide remarks about the stature of leprechauns. This Act is also referred to as "The Thumbing Our Noses at Those Tiny, Green Psychos for Not Telling Us the Whereabouts of That Damned Pot of Gold Act.") Anyway, I digress. Where was I? Ahhh, yes.....my mini-lady love. Her name was Trouble O'Mally and man did she live up to her name. Everything she did just SCREAMED O'Mally, you know? Anyway, long story short (sigh, snide remark 2), we banged, I fell in love and she broke my heart. I'd give you more details, but the "If You Should Happen to Bang a Leprechaun, You Must Never Dole Out Specific Details Act of 1776" forbids me from telling you more. This Act is also referred to as "The How Did You Get Your Dick in Something That Teensy Act." Or, the "Don't Ask Act."
At any rate, rest assured that whenever I binge drink, visit a strip club featuring only midgets, or try to cram my shit into a small crack or crevice, the wind whispers "Stop it!"
Happy St. Patrick's Day all!!
By the way, it should be noted that the year 1776 had a couple of truly historic Acts pass. Some truly unheralded Acts......
Three years ago, I fell in love with a leprechaun. Now, any of you who've taken the plunge and allowed yourself to do this, know that this is no small feat (sigh, forgive me for the "small feat" bit, but the "Writing About Leprechauns Act Of 1645" requires you to make at least two, if not 17, snide remarks about the stature of leprechauns. This Act is also referred to as "The Thumbing Our Noses at Those Tiny, Green Psychos for Not Telling Us the Whereabouts of That Damned Pot of Gold Act.") Anyway, I digress. Where was I? Ahhh, yes.....my mini-lady love. Her name was Trouble O'Mally and man did she live up to her name. Everything she did just SCREAMED O'Mally, you know? Anyway, long story short (sigh, snide remark 2), we banged, I fell in love and she broke my heart. I'd give you more details, but the "If You Should Happen to Bang a Leprechaun, You Must Never Dole Out Specific Details Act of 1776" forbids me from telling you more. This Act is also referred to as "The How Did You Get Your Dick in Something That Teensy Act." Or, the "Don't Ask Act."
At any rate, rest assured that whenever I binge drink, visit a strip club featuring only midgets, or try to cram my shit into a small crack or crevice, the wind whispers "Stop it!"
Happy St. Patrick's Day all!!
By the way, it should be noted that the year 1776 had a couple of truly historic Acts pass. Some truly unheralded Acts......
RESULTS FOR THE 1ST ANNUAL FJORD AWARDS!
For those of you who think this might have been "fixed" in favor of some people, here's a copy of the inbox of the yahoo account "fjordvotes" created for the purpose of voting for the Fjord Awards.
D.Tsunami Votes! Wed 03/16 2k
Yahoo! Introducing your Bulk folder. Fri 02/25 494b
Yahoo! Welcome to Yahoo!
The votes tabulated are...
1)Best Blog - Fjord
2)Best Comic - Dario Tsunami
3)Best Movie - Dario Tsunami
4)Best Band - Dario Tsunami
5)Best C.D./DVD - Dario Tsunami
6)Best Entertainer - Dario Tsunami
OHMYGOD!!!
What can I possibly say? It's been quite a year for me, and I hope that in the next one I'll have just as much success, and recognition! Thank you all so much for your support, love and complete apathy! I'd like to conclude by saying how little effort it took to win these prestigious awards!
D.Tsunami Votes! Wed 03/16 2k
Yahoo! Introducing your Bulk folder. Fri 02/25 494b
Yahoo! Welcome to Yahoo!
The votes tabulated are...
1)Best Blog - Fjord
2)Best Comic - Dario Tsunami
3)Best Movie - Dario Tsunami
4)Best Band - Dario Tsunami
5)Best C.D./DVD - Dario Tsunami
6)Best Entertainer - Dario Tsunami
OHMYGOD!!!
What can I possibly say? It's been quite a year for me, and I hope that in the next one I'll have just as much success, and recognition! Thank you all so much for your support, love and complete apathy! I'd like to conclude by saying how little effort it took to win these prestigious awards!
Wednesday, March 16, 2005
the trouble with elephants...
Over the course of the last two days, the local news here in Los Ang-e-leeze is that a couple of elephants are stuck in a zoo enclosure, without enough room to be "healthy."
Now, I love most of all the creatures out in creature-land, and I don't like to see any creature in a zoo, I really don't. In the jungle, on the steppe, traversing the Rockies, roaming through the fjords...anywhere in the wild is where I want wild animals. I take no pleasure in seeing a mighty beast enclosed and on "public display." But over the years, I've seen some disturbing reports of elephant behavior in the wild...
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/south_asia/481382.stm
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/south_asia/2583891.stm
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/south_asia/3423881.stm
and I'm thinking, even if conditions are a little rough in the zoo...can we, as a society, really afford to have drunken rampaging elephants on the loose in our streets? Of course not! And if they were, they'd just rampage until they killed someone! And then, wouldn't we then have to find room for 'em in our already overcrowded penal system? (cause what Judge would risk the outcry of sentencing an elephant to death??) Of course we would! And I for one am tired of paying my hard earned tax dollars - supporting drunk elephant convicts!
Probly then we'd have people complaining about the conditions of elephants in our prisons...and where will it end? Special prisons for elephants? Riiiiight. What could we possibly call a special prision for elephants?
Now, I love most of all the creatures out in creature-land, and I don't like to see any creature in a zoo, I really don't. In the jungle, on the steppe, traversing the Rockies, roaming through the fjords...anywhere in the wild is where I want wild animals. I take no pleasure in seeing a mighty beast enclosed and on "public display." But over the years, I've seen some disturbing reports of elephant behavior in the wild...
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/south_asia/481382.stm
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/south_asia/2583891.stm
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/south_asia/3423881.stm
and I'm thinking, even if conditions are a little rough in the zoo...can we, as a society, really afford to have drunken rampaging elephants on the loose in our streets? Of course not! And if they were, they'd just rampage until they killed someone! And then, wouldn't we then have to find room for 'em in our already overcrowded penal system? (cause what Judge would risk the outcry of sentencing an elephant to death??) Of course we would! And I for one am tired of paying my hard earned tax dollars - supporting drunk elephant convicts!
Probly then we'd have people complaining about the conditions of elephants in our prisons...and where will it end? Special prisons for elephants? Riiiiight. What could we possibly call a special prision for elephants?
Fun With Fjord!
Thought you LOVED Fjords, but felt like that love was just a one dimensional thing involving only staring at the lush lushness that only a view from atop a Fjord could affjord you? Ever caught yourself thinking, "Damn, this Fjord is so gorgeous and this view so immense and this ground beneath my feet so soft to the touch.....why if i just unzipped my pants a tiny bit and laid right here on this lush ground, humping ever so slightly, I could have a go right here and now?" No? Well then, surely you've thought, "Sure Fjords are sexy beasts, but banging one just doesn't seem right to me. There's just something visually off about a mayonaisse-y estuary. What I'd really like to do is see the word "Fjord" spelled out in funny fonts! Yeah, that'd be hot! Then, I'd like to print those fonts out and spread them out on my bed. At that point, I'd unzip my pants a tiny bit, lay across the funny fonts and hump them ever so slightly. Now, THAT'S heat!" Folks, if that's what you think, then have I got a treat for you, you sick font-fucking freaks. Here:
Have a go, sickos! Props to www.newkidsontheblog.com for the link!!!
Happy Hump Day!
Have a go, sickos! Props to www.newkidsontheblog.com for the link!!!
Happy Hump Day!
Tuesday, March 15, 2005
Pirates...who doesn't love 'em?
Well, certainly the "Yarrg" saying ,peg-legged, hook-handed, sword & musket wielding guys with eye-patches and parrots.
But there are some people getting a little pissed off about modern pirates, who are pretty proficient thugs.
Just yesterday there was this little treat.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/asia-pacific/4350177.stm
The pirates struck on Monday night and seized money and documents from the Japanese-registered boat. Indonesia sent three navy ships to the area, though officials said the pirates could now be in Malaysian waters.
In case you're wondering - what is the achetype of a pirate who takes over modern ships?
The attack followed a raid by 35 pirates, armed with rocket launchers.
Somehow, swords and muskets have way more panache - but maybe that's just me.
But there are some people getting a little pissed off about modern pirates, who are pretty proficient thugs.
Just yesterday there was this little treat.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/asia-pacific/4350177.stm
The pirates struck on Monday night and seized money and documents from the Japanese-registered boat. Indonesia sent three navy ships to the area, though officials said the pirates could now be in Malaysian waters.
In case you're wondering - what is the achetype of a pirate who takes over modern ships?
The attack followed a raid by 35 pirates, armed with rocket launchers.
Somehow, swords and muskets have way more panache - but maybe that's just me.
What's Your Zombie Action Plan?
Judging from the number of zombie movies released in the last five years, (alot) I think there's probably something to be said for "life imitating art" or the polar opposite "art imitating life." Perhaps there are widespread instances of zombie-itis that are just not reported by our news programs. That's why we've come up with the Fjord Zombie Action Plan.
The first thing you need to know, is that an action plan is only good if you prepare for the eventuality of your action plan being used. So most of this stuff won't be any good if you actually wait for an outbreak of zombies. Preparation Is The Key!
1) Protect yourself with Zombie waver-forms.
Make all your friends and loved-ones sign a waver, that, if indeed they become zombies, you may kill their flesh-and-brains craving corpses. This is a super-important point people! The last thing you need is any hesitation in killing a zombie! The last pangs of love, for the person that once was the zombie about to snack on your neck is exactly the weakness they use to eat you. SO, the waver form will say something along the lines of
I,_______ hereby declare if I am turned into a zombie, you may destroy with whatever means necessary, my body, brain, or central nervous system with whatever is available, in order to prevent further death, destruction, or creation of more hideous zombies like me.
This will free you from all that guilt. You're legally in the clear too. All you have to do is say to your mom, brother, sister or significant other..."I believe you may have become a zombie! I will bash your head in with this shovel if you move any closer."
Now this will also help in determining if those around you are zombies. If they are NOT zombies, they will, of course, realize you are crazy/serious, and back away. If they ARE zombies, your words are meaningless, and you should begin killing immediately.
2) Weapons Cache
If I've learned anything from zombie movies, it's that you usually find a good weapon, but in the course of zombie combat, you can loose it. So, stock up on the good stuff, and place it around your Home/neighborhood/car/worplace. I'd recommend baseball bats, garden tools, swords, and axes. These items have no moving parts, like chainsaws, shredders, roto-tillers, or lawnmowers - which are effective, provided they keep working. So, if you're planning on using the latter, at least make sure they are properly maintained and fueled!
3)Defensible Redoubt
Another real problem with zombies is, they don't sleep. EVER! You, as a human, are going to reed rest. That's why you need a place to hole-up for a while. If you're in a building, It's got to have small or no windows, and a really heavy door. Remember, zombies have lost the ability to use tools, and can barely think, so when confronted by obstacles, they usually just try and claw through them. Don't be fooled - they are very strong - but fingers are no match for a metal fire door! You might also consider the "squirrel defense" and create a platform in a tree. I'm not certain that zombies can climb - but if they can, and it's anything like how they walk, you should be able to cut off their hands pretty easily, before they are close enough to do damage. But, if you choose this method, make sure you have an escape route! Zombies are patient, and will surround your tree - if they find it - and starve you out. At the very least, you need a rope and grapnel hook to get you to a neighboring building, or fenced yard.
4)Transportation.
It's a myth that you will starve in the midst of a zombie infestation. They do not eat human food. Zombies eat humans! So, with that in mind, any grocery store, corner mart, or restaurant will have food and drink. However, you'll need to get to those places, and a car or truck is the safest mode of travel. If you don't have a car, this can be tricky. If this is the case, think of all the neighbors around you, and find out the car they drive. Then, when you see one who has become a zombie...destroy him, and then search his pockets. People keep car keys in their pockets, and in the process of becoming a zombie, this will be the last thing on their mind.
Hopefully this has been helpful. Feel free to use any or all of these suggestions in creating your own personal Zombie Action Plan, but at least start preparing! Really, zombies are scary as shit, and an infestation will probably make you do irrational things, and if you don't have a plan, those irrational things are going to get you eaten.
The first thing you need to know, is that an action plan is only good if you prepare for the eventuality of your action plan being used. So most of this stuff won't be any good if you actually wait for an outbreak of zombies. Preparation Is The Key!
1) Protect yourself with Zombie waver-forms.
Make all your friends and loved-ones sign a waver, that, if indeed they become zombies, you may kill their flesh-and-brains craving corpses. This is a super-important point people! The last thing you need is any hesitation in killing a zombie! The last pangs of love, for the person that once was the zombie about to snack on your neck is exactly the weakness they use to eat you. SO, the waver form will say something along the lines of
I,_______ hereby declare if I am turned into a zombie, you may destroy with whatever means necessary, my body, brain, or central nervous system with whatever is available, in order to prevent further death, destruction, or creation of more hideous zombies like me.
This will free you from all that guilt. You're legally in the clear too. All you have to do is say to your mom, brother, sister or significant other..."I believe you may have become a zombie! I will bash your head in with this shovel if you move any closer."
Now this will also help in determining if those around you are zombies. If they are NOT zombies, they will, of course, realize you are crazy/serious, and back away. If they ARE zombies, your words are meaningless, and you should begin killing immediately.
2) Weapons Cache
If I've learned anything from zombie movies, it's that you usually find a good weapon, but in the course of zombie combat, you can loose it. So, stock up on the good stuff, and place it around your Home/neighborhood/car/worplace. I'd recommend baseball bats, garden tools, swords, and axes. These items have no moving parts, like chainsaws, shredders, roto-tillers, or lawnmowers - which are effective, provided they keep working. So, if you're planning on using the latter, at least make sure they are properly maintained and fueled!
3)Defensible Redoubt
Another real problem with zombies is, they don't sleep. EVER! You, as a human, are going to reed rest. That's why you need a place to hole-up for a while. If you're in a building, It's got to have small or no windows, and a really heavy door. Remember, zombies have lost the ability to use tools, and can barely think, so when confronted by obstacles, they usually just try and claw through them. Don't be fooled - they are very strong - but fingers are no match for a metal fire door! You might also consider the "squirrel defense" and create a platform in a tree. I'm not certain that zombies can climb - but if they can, and it's anything like how they walk, you should be able to cut off their hands pretty easily, before they are close enough to do damage. But, if you choose this method, make sure you have an escape route! Zombies are patient, and will surround your tree - if they find it - and starve you out. At the very least, you need a rope and grapnel hook to get you to a neighboring building, or fenced yard.
4)Transportation.
It's a myth that you will starve in the midst of a zombie infestation. They do not eat human food. Zombies eat humans! So, with that in mind, any grocery store, corner mart, or restaurant will have food and drink. However, you'll need to get to those places, and a car or truck is the safest mode of travel. If you don't have a car, this can be tricky. If this is the case, think of all the neighbors around you, and find out the car they drive. Then, when you see one who has become a zombie...destroy him, and then search his pockets. People keep car keys in their pockets, and in the process of becoming a zombie, this will be the last thing on their mind.
Hopefully this has been helpful. Feel free to use any or all of these suggestions in creating your own personal Zombie Action Plan, but at least start preparing! Really, zombies are scary as shit, and an infestation will probably make you do irrational things, and if you don't have a plan, those irrational things are going to get you eaten.
Monday, March 14, 2005
A small follow up to the Tsunami Hauntings...
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/africa/4344043.stm
just a little tidbit...
"The president is no longer staying there and we have asked clerics from several Christian churches... to pray for the New State House to exorcise evil spirits," said Malani Mtonga, the presidential aide for religious affairs.
Another aide who did not want to be named told the Associated Press: "Sometimes the president feels rodents crawling all over his body but when lights are turned on he sees nothing."
And while, I feel for the President of Malawi for being haunted by the ghosts of rodents, I have to say, just about nightly I'm dealing with Vampire Were-Lemurs, and you don't here me running to the BBC for fucking help! Pussy.
just a little tidbit...
"The president is no longer staying there and we have asked clerics from several Christian churches... to pray for the New State House to exorcise evil spirits," said Malani Mtonga, the presidential aide for religious affairs.
Another aide who did not want to be named told the Associated Press: "Sometimes the president feels rodents crawling all over his body but when lights are turned on he sees nothing."
And while, I feel for the President of Malawi for being haunted by the ghosts of rodents, I have to say, just about nightly I'm dealing with Vampire Were-Lemurs, and you don't here me running to the BBC for fucking help! Pussy.
Sunday, March 13, 2005
Saturday, March 12, 2005
Flash! From the Fjord Newsdesk! ! !...
Can someone...anyone explain this to me??
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/asia-pacific/4333379.stm
Kyujiro Kaneoka was believed to have been alive, aged 107, and was named as Itami's oldest man six years ago.
The mayor visited his house every year but his family refused to let the him in, saying the man was bedridden.
Riiiight. You've got the Mayor to visit for the last 6 to 10 years, and you stall him with the 'ole, "He's to weak to get out of bed" routine. I think I know of a Mayor who probably shouldn't be dispensing gifts...if you get my drift.
Well, here's the kicker...
"The body was wearing a clean kimono. He is believed to be dead for five to 10 years. We are talking to his family members why they kept him like this," an official told the AFP news agency.
Well, either the family was made up entirely of completely stupid idiot morons...or, they realized they had a good thing going...
An official with the Itami city hall told the AFP news agency that the city was considering asking Kaneoka's family to return gifts it had received since 1999 as a token of the man's longevity.
"Every year we gave the family 30,000 yen ($288; £150) and a cashmere blanket worth 20,000 yen ($192; £100)," the official said.
I don't know what kind of standard of living they have in the Itami province, but there are plenty of places in the world you could live off off $480 bucks a year. I mean, thru UNICEF or some other agency, they can feed a child for like 32 cents! Over the course of the last six years, these guys just got a free $2080 dollars! If it's 10 years the guy's actually been dead, that's near 5-grand! Get yerself some Microsoft stock at 1999 prices, you're one rich undertaker who never quite got around to doing the job.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/asia-pacific/4333379.stm
Kyujiro Kaneoka was believed to have been alive, aged 107, and was named as Itami's oldest man six years ago.
The mayor visited his house every year but his family refused to let the him in, saying the man was bedridden.
Riiiight. You've got the Mayor to visit for the last 6 to 10 years, and you stall him with the 'ole, "He's to weak to get out of bed" routine. I think I know of a Mayor who probably shouldn't be dispensing gifts...if you get my drift.
Well, here's the kicker...
"The body was wearing a clean kimono. He is believed to be dead for five to 10 years. We are talking to his family members why they kept him like this," an official told the AFP news agency.
Well, either the family was made up entirely of completely stupid idiot morons...or, they realized they had a good thing going...
An official with the Itami city hall told the AFP news agency that the city was considering asking Kaneoka's family to return gifts it had received since 1999 as a token of the man's longevity.
"Every year we gave the family 30,000 yen ($288; £150) and a cashmere blanket worth 20,000 yen ($192; £100)," the official said.
I don't know what kind of standard of living they have in the Itami province, but there are plenty of places in the world you could live off off $480 bucks a year. I mean, thru UNICEF or some other agency, they can feed a child for like 32 cents! Over the course of the last six years, these guys just got a free $2080 dollars! If it's 10 years the guy's actually been dead, that's near 5-grand! Get yerself some Microsoft stock at 1999 prices, you're one rich undertaker who never quite got around to doing the job.
Just Thought I'd Repost This
Cause It's been a long time since we've put up the mission statement
Fjords, the Sweetmeats of Geography
Now it's true that ALL OF US here at Fjord are pretty damn keen on Fjords, and we're ecstatic about the response we've gotten from all of you - in just the first few days. But keep THIS in perspective.
Nearly every other land-based (and ocean-based too) geographical feature has better P.R. and name recognition that fjords. I mean, Buttes? There's a city in Montana named after them. Volcanoes? Name one night when they're not on the news. Lakes? Where else to go on a hot sunny day. Mountains? Don't even get me started on mountains...I mean it pal, I'll bring the fucking PAIN! Hell, even the Great Plains - which are boring as hell, have a stanza in AMERICA THE BEAUTIFUL. Canyons, gultches, foothills, rivers, badlands, swamps, beaches, islands, inlets, peninsulas, deserts, steppes...all of them have to be beaten like a dirty rug, if we are to accomplish why we started Fjord in the first place.
Which is to promote the awesome incredible-ness of the best geography on the planet. Whether it's their luscious mouths, their curvaceous (and perky) peaks, their wondrous wondrous harborages (nestled deeply inside them), their narrow width, their saucy open-ness - practically begging to be explored...whew...is it getting kinda warm over here? Anyways, that, and all the other news and information that we here at Fjord, think, is tangentially relevant. The completion of the task at hand is to bring fjords to the fjordfront of consciousness and pop-culture. We hope you enjoy our efforts, and also realize, exactly what we're really up against.
Thank You.
Fjords, the Sweetmeats of Geography
Now it's true that ALL OF US here at Fjord are pretty damn keen on Fjords, and we're ecstatic about the response we've gotten from all of you - in just the first few days. But keep THIS in perspective.
Nearly every other land-based (and ocean-based too) geographical feature has better P.R. and name recognition that fjords. I mean, Buttes? There's a city in Montana named after them. Volcanoes? Name one night when they're not on the news. Lakes? Where else to go on a hot sunny day. Mountains? Don't even get me started on mountains...I mean it pal, I'll bring the fucking PAIN! Hell, even the Great Plains - which are boring as hell, have a stanza in AMERICA THE BEAUTIFUL. Canyons, gultches, foothills, rivers, badlands, swamps, beaches, islands, inlets, peninsulas, deserts, steppes...all of them have to be beaten like a dirty rug, if we are to accomplish why we started Fjord in the first place.
Which is to promote the awesome incredible-ness of the best geography on the planet. Whether it's their luscious mouths, their curvaceous (and perky) peaks, their wondrous wondrous harborages (nestled deeply inside them), their narrow width, their saucy open-ness - practically begging to be explored...whew...is it getting kinda warm over here? Anyways, that, and all the other news and information that we here at Fjord, think, is tangentially relevant. The completion of the task at hand is to bring fjords to the fjordfront of consciousness and pop-culture. We hope you enjoy our efforts, and also realize, exactly what we're really up against.
Thank You.
Hilarious! ! !
Just looking at some referring URL's that were visiting Fjord in the last couple of days, and one was really strange. It was "Yahoo Search" so I clicked back to see what the hell it was all about. It turns out someone typed in "wow that's a big cock" in the search window, and there were only two results. The first was "Shemale Hardcore Movies," and the second was "Fjord." It seems those exact words are in my post about Wookie Fucking! Somehow I don't think Fjord was what he, or she, was looking for, but it made crack up.
Sometimes I wonder why I'm in this blogging business, but not today.
Sometimes I wonder why I'm in this blogging business, but not today.
big socks = big feer
I used to have a problem writing the word feet really fast on a keyboard. I'd always end up spelling it feer. Well, I mentioned this to a writing pal, and she said, "don't worry, I like feer - and I'll know what you mean." SO for the purpose of this post (and every one in the future, I'll just be spelling it feer - dig?)
A sock so big it could fit around the enitre united states. Now that would be a sock! It's the kind of thing the US of A should get on, PRONTO! If we covered the whole U.S. in a sock - wouldn't every other country be green with envy?? Probably aliens would pop by our planet on their intergalactic cruises to check out our Fjords and the only contenent sized sock ever created. Postcard sales alone would probably pay for the making of said sock.
But calling out the West-Coast on the loyalty question?? That's taking it far enough to where I'd take that massive sock, and shove it in your gaping fjord-hole.
Sometimes you get a sock, and you don't know which way is up, and which is down. You just put it on, and go about your business. (BTW - it is a tricky word, business) But it's the kind of situation where the right side of the sock goes - "Yo! Dudes on the left, you guys are acting very un-sock-like over there - straighten up and be like us over on the right!" And then the guy takes his shoes and socks off his feer, and we realize that the whole time, the sock was on backwards, and the right was really supposed to be the left. Then you got yourself a situation! (saaaaay, maybe that's why some socks just...dissapear??...)
Anyways, you guys do got the 3 hour futuristic edge on us out in NYC, and good for you! But I'm pretty sure that's a key ingredient in our laid-back West Coast attitude. We're never going to be first out of bed, ever. Not even going to try making that one happen in a mathemathical theory. But Monday Night Football starts at six, and we'll always get the last sunset. And if you were living a future that we would join in 3 hours time, you could do away with the West Coast of Fjord entirely by writing exactly what we were going to write, only hours before it was written.
Lets just say, we are not walking in your feersteps!
We're just another spoke on the wheel that helps make the Fjord go 'round.
(I'm aware you really just wanted to show off your knowledge of history in the 1800's, (which seems impressive)) but you coulda done that without slandering your bros over here in palm-tree land. A man's gotta' stand up and throw down, when he's been served.
Which reminds me, You Got Served is a really great flick!
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0365957/
A sock so big it could fit around the enitre united states. Now that would be a sock! It's the kind of thing the US of A should get on, PRONTO! If we covered the whole U.S. in a sock - wouldn't every other country be green with envy?? Probably aliens would pop by our planet on their intergalactic cruises to check out our Fjords and the only contenent sized sock ever created. Postcard sales alone would probably pay for the making of said sock.
But calling out the West-Coast on the loyalty question?? That's taking it far enough to where I'd take that massive sock, and shove it in your gaping fjord-hole.
Sometimes you get a sock, and you don't know which way is up, and which is down. You just put it on, and go about your business. (BTW - it is a tricky word, business) But it's the kind of situation where the right side of the sock goes - "Yo! Dudes on the left, you guys are acting very un-sock-like over there - straighten up and be like us over on the right!" And then the guy takes his shoes and socks off his feer, and we realize that the whole time, the sock was on backwards, and the right was really supposed to be the left. Then you got yourself a situation! (saaaaay, maybe that's why some socks just...dissapear??...)
Anyways, you guys do got the 3 hour futuristic edge on us out in NYC, and good for you! But I'm pretty sure that's a key ingredient in our laid-back West Coast attitude. We're never going to be first out of bed, ever. Not even going to try making that one happen in a mathemathical theory. But Monday Night Football starts at six, and we'll always get the last sunset. And if you were living a future that we would join in 3 hours time, you could do away with the West Coast of Fjord entirely by writing exactly what we were going to write, only hours before it was written.
Lets just say, we are not walking in your feersteps!
We're just another spoke on the wheel that helps make the Fjord go 'round.
(I'm aware you really just wanted to show off your knowledge of history in the 1800's, (which seems impressive)) but you coulda done that without slandering your bros over here in palm-tree land. A man's gotta' stand up and throw down, when he's been served.
Which reminds me, You Got Served is a really great flick!
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0365957/
Wouldn't you like to know
I bet you would, but it's none of your business. Who knew business was so hard to spell? Look, the point is we're three hours ahead of the West Coast, ok? Three hours. That's a long time. Long enough for the East Coast branch of Fjord to know what the West Coast branch will say to this post. If you need proof, we offer this: Three hours ago, we knew we were gonna post this. That's a full 6 hours--6 HOURS!!-----before the West side was privy to the fact that the East Coast was gonna pull the ol' "Call out the West siiiiiide" routine. I mean, this is some 50 vs. Game type shit right here. Except without all the "making up" and "foundation starting." This is only gonna get worse, West Coast. Your loyalty is being called into question. From what we've heard over here, you guys have been running some serious shit re: sock cleanliness/maintenence. Yo, dudes, that shit just ain't cool, aiight? If a brother wanna turn a sock out, or mess it up for dressing like that, it's the business of the brother. Decidedly not the business of the man inside the sock, the press, the mess up in the sock, or the people between the coasts that house the sock. The thing about socks is that mostly they are made of cotton. Now cotton is a pretty cool thing. Just ask Eli Whitney. He not only was the creator of the cotton gin, but the creator of sock maintenance. He was getting whipped, and still realized that a sock could be a pretty hot thing. His ol' buddy George Washington Carver liked oiley rags. But not Whitney. He was all about the socks. Then a real carpetbagger named MacGregor came to town. What a revelation! Things have never been the same. Socks..... The real American Hero. How dare you discount them, West Coast. You must hate Abraham Lincoln, almost as much as we hate Jefferson Davis.
Friday, March 11, 2005
Well kids...it's a little late
But your ole pal D. Tsunami was required to put in a long-assed day, which wasn't exactly the greatest. After getting a 20-spot for to cover lunch and whatnots, I found I have .72 cents to carry me towards the 15th...which isn't too bad, but I've already spent most of that.
So - to begin the tale, the company I moonlight for (in order to keep the Casa out of the hands of bankrupsey lawyers) was moving. So for the last six hours I've been doing the kind of degrading things that a man of my talents and stature should have stopped doing at least eight years ago. My job? Cleaning all the leftover crap out of cubes and throwing it away.
While this is not the most glamourous of jobs, it did give me the opportunity to loot a bunch of stuff. I had been authorized by all the higher-ups, that all spare office supplies were to be thrown away - and that meant anything that was still there, was either mine, or the trash-man's. So after 15 or 20 cubes, I figued out what my home office really needed - a good stapler.
I've already got a functional stapler, but I was looking for one that really had a design that sang. passing up a number of solid but merely functional staplers, I realized, that this acquisition probably wasn't going to happen. The ones in the office just weren't cool enough to grab. Nearing the 9 o'clock mark - about the 13 hour of working - I had two cubes left to clean before I could legitimately call it a day. And in the second to last cube - JACKPOT! A dark red Swingline 747 model. I can't wait to have something to staple - I'll be happy to do it. Infact, I think I'm going to staple some things right now, that shouldn't be stapled. Maybe tomorrow, I'll look to loot a good staple remover!
Happy Friday.
So - to begin the tale, the company I moonlight for (in order to keep the Casa out of the hands of bankrupsey lawyers) was moving. So for the last six hours I've been doing the kind of degrading things that a man of my talents and stature should have stopped doing at least eight years ago. My job? Cleaning all the leftover crap out of cubes and throwing it away.
While this is not the most glamourous of jobs, it did give me the opportunity to loot a bunch of stuff. I had been authorized by all the higher-ups, that all spare office supplies were to be thrown away - and that meant anything that was still there, was either mine, or the trash-man's. So after 15 or 20 cubes, I figued out what my home office really needed - a good stapler.
I've already got a functional stapler, but I was looking for one that really had a design that sang. passing up a number of solid but merely functional staplers, I realized, that this acquisition probably wasn't going to happen. The ones in the office just weren't cool enough to grab. Nearing the 9 o'clock mark - about the 13 hour of working - I had two cubes left to clean before I could legitimately call it a day. And in the second to last cube - JACKPOT! A dark red Swingline 747 model. I can't wait to have something to staple - I'll be happy to do it. Infact, I think I'm going to staple some things right now, that shouldn't be stapled. Maybe tomorrow, I'll look to loot a good staple remover!
Happy Friday.
Great news everybody
I know you prolly are all thinking, "What is this great news the mindfuck is hanging over our heads. We already know it's Friday. Cheeseburgers have been around for like a hundred years, and Hitler is still dead. What else could there be?" But guess what? Brett Butler is making a triumphant return to television. If you are all like me, life just hasn't been the same since Brett lost her battle with the bottle, and they cancelled Grace Under Fire. Be sad no more people. She will have her own show on Comedy Central. I know she won't have the comedic stylings of Dave Thomas to help her out, but I think she can still make the masses smile. So everyone raise a nice glass of booze, and salute Brett Butler tonight. She would want you to do it. Then she'd finish your drink for you, and ask to borrow 5 bucks. What a gal!
Thursday, March 10, 2005
Slam Dunk Kinda' Thingie...
Incase you're wondering about the linguistics behind "Fjord" check out this...
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Firth
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Firth
Know It All's
It seems to me, that back in the day, you used to have to suffer the know-it-all's because they knew things that you didn't know. Most of the time, they were socially insufferable, and they didn't care because sooner or later, you'd have to come to their door, and ask a question like, "hey, what's the capital of Siberia?" or "could I brew coffee in zero gravity?" or "Could Darth Vader beat a great white, a jaguar, AIDS and a Tyrannosaurus Rex at the same time?"
But now, I'm not so sure. Because of the internets, (or as I like to call it, "The Global Database") you can ask basically any question, and find out the answer. So is it just possible, that this creation of humanity will actually do away with the social class (umm, geeks, dorks, and the unsocial-skilled) that spawned it? I suppose only time will tell.
But now, I'm not so sure. Because of the internets, (or as I like to call it, "The Global Database") you can ask basically any question, and find out the answer. So is it just possible, that this creation of humanity will actually do away with the social class (umm, geeks, dorks, and the unsocial-skilled) that spawned it? I suppose only time will tell.
It was like gone with the wind...
I was at the plaza early today, writing some stuff, drinking coffee getting ready for my business appointment. About 5 minutes before, I got up and headed to the skyscraper that houses the insurance company for Casa Aloha, and I geared myself for a high level negotiation. But as I did, I noticed an amazing amount of dead moths on the ground. I've seen this sometimes at the plaza, where the groundskeepers mow the grass and kill large numbers of the little beasties. However, the grass had not yet been mowed.
So I continued on, and began passing more and more carcasses of dead moths. Finally, I stopped, and kicked one. It fluttered to life, and made for someplace safer. I knew some of them were really dead - being chopped apart by something, probably birds - when I looked up from where I was walking, and literally saw thousands of the little guys resting on the tile of the plaza. It was like that scene from Gone With the Wind, only, yaknow...with moths.
Later, I caught the 5:12 train out of downtown and stood there like a zombie while, incrementally, the subway grew stop by stop closer to mine. That's when I saw the moth.
I forgot that earlier, I had decided the moths had actually just spawned - probably last night - and were out in huge numbers. One had ended up on the train. Well, people started watching that moth(being starved for entertainment), just as I had...fluttering around running into lights and such.
What is the total number of moths on the planet? (note: a quick search of moth population or numbers will send you into a huge number of species and families and whatnot - I'd suggest you don't waste your time trying) but the lifespan of the moth can last up to a year. Nevertheless, moths have a number of mortal enemies, and their one defense is to not be seen. (had I felt like it, I could have killed a hundred easy, with my feet before my meeting) And odds are, you walk past like a hundred moths every day, and don't even notice.
So that got me thinking, if the average moth (trying to hide for fear of it's life) is seen like, just by chance, maybe twice by a human in it's lifetime. And THIS moth on the train was seen by like thirty people, wouldn't that make it one of the most famous and popular moths of ALL TIME??!
(yeah, ya - I ain't talking about dead moths in natural history museums...I'm talking about real live just trying-to-get-along moths.)
Well, I'm just speculatin' on a hypothesis here...
So I continued on, and began passing more and more carcasses of dead moths. Finally, I stopped, and kicked one. It fluttered to life, and made for someplace safer. I knew some of them were really dead - being chopped apart by something, probably birds - when I looked up from where I was walking, and literally saw thousands of the little guys resting on the tile of the plaza. It was like that scene from Gone With the Wind, only, yaknow...with moths.
Later, I caught the 5:12 train out of downtown and stood there like a zombie while, incrementally, the subway grew stop by stop closer to mine. That's when I saw the moth.
I forgot that earlier, I had decided the moths had actually just spawned - probably last night - and were out in huge numbers. One had ended up on the train. Well, people started watching that moth(being starved for entertainment), just as I had...fluttering around running into lights and such.
What is the total number of moths on the planet? (note: a quick search of moth population or numbers will send you into a huge number of species and families and whatnot - I'd suggest you don't waste your time trying) but the lifespan of the moth can last up to a year. Nevertheless, moths have a number of mortal enemies, and their one defense is to not be seen. (had I felt like it, I could have killed a hundred easy, with my feet before my meeting) And odds are, you walk past like a hundred moths every day, and don't even notice.
So that got me thinking, if the average moth (trying to hide for fear of it's life) is seen like, just by chance, maybe twice by a human in it's lifetime. And THIS moth on the train was seen by like thirty people, wouldn't that make it one of the most famous and popular moths of ALL TIME??!
(yeah, ya - I ain't talking about dead moths in natural history museums...I'm talking about real live just trying-to-get-along moths.)
Well, I'm just speculatin' on a hypothesis here...
Fuck up the scene!!!
This is a call to all my brethren:
If you happen to be some where and their happens to be a "scene" - fuck it up - i'm tired of cliques, tricks, and chicks with dicks, and homogenized pricks.
If you are at a white stripes concert and there is a hipster scene filled with only white belts, girls with backpacks, and people wearing scarves in 80 degree heat - fuck it up - wear whatever you want - bring a boombox and play your favorite Lionel Richie CD as loud as it will go.
If everyone else around you is eating mexican food - even if it was you that walked into the mexican restaurant - it's still a scene - fuck it up - come in armed with beef au jus and falafel.
If you are in an old folks home and eveybody is getting all old-ass on you - fuck it up - why do they get to fed and bathed by others? - move in with eight of your loudest and closest youthful friends.
If too many people start to fuck up too many scenes then it will become a scene - fuck it up - by eating a torta, while wearing a scarf, listening to the white stripes at a college dorm, fucker.
Fuck It UP!!!
(drinking beer does not apply to any scene as it is welcome and accepted anywhere i want to be)
If you happen to be some where and their happens to be a "scene" - fuck it up - i'm tired of cliques, tricks, and chicks with dicks, and homogenized pricks.
If you are at a white stripes concert and there is a hipster scene filled with only white belts, girls with backpacks, and people wearing scarves in 80 degree heat - fuck it up - wear whatever you want - bring a boombox and play your favorite Lionel Richie CD as loud as it will go.
If everyone else around you is eating mexican food - even if it was you that walked into the mexican restaurant - it's still a scene - fuck it up - come in armed with beef au jus and falafel.
If you are in an old folks home and eveybody is getting all old-ass on you - fuck it up - why do they get to fed and bathed by others? - move in with eight of your loudest and closest youthful friends.
If too many people start to fuck up too many scenes then it will become a scene - fuck it up - by eating a torta, while wearing a scarf, listening to the white stripes at a college dorm, fucker.
Fuck It UP!!!
(drinking beer does not apply to any scene as it is welcome and accepted anywhere i want to be)
Almost the top story
It's official - the best player to ever play the game is sticking around for another year. Congrats to Q-dog, fellow football fans, and people in general that sacrifice and strive to be the best they can be with or without pads on....to all of you I tip my cap, sip my beer, and provide you with the following link...
http://sports.yahoo.com/nfl/news?slug=ap-packers-favre
http://sports.yahoo.com/nfl/news?slug=ap-packers-favre
Today's Top Story
We here at Fjord pride ourselves in keeping you, the International Community of Devoted Fjordlings, informed of all of the crazed happenings going on in this crazy, happening world we jokingly call "Earth." We understand you don't have time in your busy, "I hope I have time to masturbate today" lives to root around, hunting for news like rats root around for food. (Although, I'll bet y'all are super cute when you root around like that) So, that being said, here it is, as promised-- Today's Top Story:
You guys remember the Jackson 5? They were a musical super group of familial proportions back in the 70's. Anyway, their singer was just a kid, like somewhere between the ages of 5 and 8. He was the youngest guy in the group. Could sing like a nightingale. And dance? Holy crap, I guess! Anyway, I think his name was Mike, or Karl- it doesn't really matter. What matters is what this guy is doing now. He's on trial cuz apparently, he fucked a bunch of kids. We here at Fjord will keep you abreast of what's going on with this "crazy happening" as the happenings, which are sure to be crazy, unfold. Stay tuned to this Fjord exclusive story!
On a more personal note. We here at Fjord would like to get to know our audience a little better. In the spirit of that, we'd like to ask you a question. That question is: What's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to you and approximately how long ago was it said?
There you go, Fjordbeasts! Fill that comment box. We here at Fjord dare you to......
You guys remember the Jackson 5? They were a musical super group of familial proportions back in the 70's. Anyway, their singer was just a kid, like somewhere between the ages of 5 and 8. He was the youngest guy in the group. Could sing like a nightingale. And dance? Holy crap, I guess! Anyway, I think his name was Mike, or Karl- it doesn't really matter. What matters is what this guy is doing now. He's on trial cuz apparently, he fucked a bunch of kids. We here at Fjord will keep you abreast of what's going on with this "crazy happening" as the happenings, which are sure to be crazy, unfold. Stay tuned to this Fjord exclusive story!
On a more personal note. We here at Fjord would like to get to know our audience a little better. In the spirit of that, we'd like to ask you a question. That question is: What's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to you and approximately how long ago was it said?
There you go, Fjordbeasts! Fill that comment box. We here at Fjord dare you to......
Wednesday, March 09, 2005
Okay, here's something...
At least to look at for a second...
http://www.danwei.org/archives/001346.html
http://www.danwei.org/archives/001346.html
still too much
stuff going on right now to do anything resembling justice for a good post. People coming into town, people leaving town, people in town that want to be seen, people in and out of town, wanting to see me. People wanting my help to move, people wanting to share my company over dinner or drinks, people who just want me to hang out. Christ, I haven't had a second to think about anything amusing since umm, like 8:43am today.
I suppose being popular is a skill that you get better at, managing people like you manage money or your time (another two things I'm poor at). Still, I hope you'd consider me a polite fellow for at least telling you, "I'm busy."
I suppose being popular is a skill that you get better at, managing people like you manage money or your time (another two things I'm poor at). Still, I hope you'd consider me a polite fellow for at least telling you, "I'm busy."
Tuesday, March 08, 2005
Wheels within Wheels...
So I was being a geek again, (or the more likely phrasing "as always") and in hopes of seeing Fjord on google, I decided I'd look into the LHC, and find out if by mentioning the device, we'd come up. Of course we didn't, but instead, I found this picture gallery for the LHC hockey team! Check it out!
http://www.lhc.ch/gal_rubrique.asp?rubrique=7
http://www.lhc.ch/gal_rubrique.asp?rubrique=7
Umm
Wow, I was just going to write a follow up to Food For Thought, and say, if I had one wish, it'd be for an ultrabrite *ting* off my teeth whenever I wanted.
Somehow, after hearing what's going on over at the East Siiiiide, it seems a little superfluous.
Somehow, after hearing what's going on over at the East Siiiiide, it seems a little superfluous.
It's Official: Gjod Has Utter Disdain For the Eastern Seaboard
Need proof? How's this:
Yesterday here in NYC, it was a beautiful 60 degrees outside. Granted, that's not "Meet you on the other side of Satan's ballsack" beautiful, but it's definitely "The beginning temperature of your slow descent into Hell" beautiful and I'll take that. So, this morning I get up to face another day in cubeblivion and, as I always do, I flip on the morning news to get a look at the days weather. I see it's maintained a more than stomachable 51 degrees. Ok? You with me so far? Good, cuz it's about to get biblical all up in here. By 11:00, a mere TWO HOURS after I had gotten to work, it was blinding snow/sleeting out. Seriously, folks, it looked like a fucking psycho snow globe outside. As we speak, the wind is gusting up to 40 MPH and the temperature is now around 12 degrees. FOLKS, IT WAS 51 DEGREES 8 HOURS AGO!!!! 12 cockbending degrees?!?!? Are you kidding me?!?!?
Now, you may be saying to yourself, "Well, come on Q. The weather's unpredictable everywhere. This tale, although a tall glass of suck to be sure, certainly doesn't mean that Gjod hates the Eastern seaboard." To you who are saying that, let me offer further proof:
Gjod was seen running around Midtown this afternoon exposing himself to babies he would later eat. As he was sucking down one baby after another, he was screaming, "Where's your savoir NOW, bee-otches?!?! Wait'll they get a load of me in Maryland!!" Keep in mind he was yelling all of this whilst his mouth was full------OF BABIES!!!!
THAT'S stone cold, yo. Not "Spending the afterlife draped in Jesus' taint" cold, but it ranks up there......
Yesterday here in NYC, it was a beautiful 60 degrees outside. Granted, that's not "Meet you on the other side of Satan's ballsack" beautiful, but it's definitely "The beginning temperature of your slow descent into Hell" beautiful and I'll take that. So, this morning I get up to face another day in cubeblivion and, as I always do, I flip on the morning news to get a look at the days weather. I see it's maintained a more than stomachable 51 degrees. Ok? You with me so far? Good, cuz it's about to get biblical all up in here. By 11:00, a mere TWO HOURS after I had gotten to work, it was blinding snow/sleeting out. Seriously, folks, it looked like a fucking psycho snow globe outside. As we speak, the wind is gusting up to 40 MPH and the temperature is now around 12 degrees. FOLKS, IT WAS 51 DEGREES 8 HOURS AGO!!!! 12 cockbending degrees?!?!? Are you kidding me?!?!?
Now, you may be saying to yourself, "Well, come on Q. The weather's unpredictable everywhere. This tale, although a tall glass of suck to be sure, certainly doesn't mean that Gjod hates the Eastern seaboard." To you who are saying that, let me offer further proof:
Gjod was seen running around Midtown this afternoon exposing himself to babies he would later eat. As he was sucking down one baby after another, he was screaming, "Where's your savoir NOW, bee-otches?!?! Wait'll they get a load of me in Maryland!!" Keep in mind he was yelling all of this whilst his mouth was full------OF BABIES!!!!
THAT'S stone cold, yo. Not "Spending the afterlife draped in Jesus' taint" cold, but it ranks up there......
Like I Don't Have Anything Better To Do
I've come back to tell you, I'm trying to contact Blogger support to fix the error here at Fjord -that has dropped all our posts way the hell down here. It might take a while, but we're on it. Also...it's been a while since anything up here had anything to do with Fjords, so I thought I'd just take a minute to say,
"FJORDS ARE GARGANTUANLY COOL!"
"FJORDS ARE GARGANTUANLY COOL!"
two-s-day...
Just trying to get back up to speed here, and I found this...
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/science/nature/4327161.stm
it's a little dry, so here's a couple of juicy parts...
The first of some 5,000 magnets that will bend particles at near light-speed around a huge tunnel under Switzerland and France has been lowered into place.
They're making this machine called the Large Hadron Collider, or- (LHC). What will this big bastard machine really do? Well, let's hear from the experts...
The LHC will recreate the searing-hot conditions that existed just fractions of a second after the Big Bang.
Scientists hope this will enable them to see new physics, and discover the sought-after Higgs boson, or "God particle", which explains why matter has mass.
Researchers may even find new dimensions and generate mini-black holes.
So I was just kinda' thinkin'...nobody knows why the big bang really happened, but everyone (in basically the scientific field) agrees that it was kind of the universal starting point for everything that exists. So I thought - what about in a crazy sci-fi way, we create a machine that will re-create the conditions of the big bang, and instead there's a small malfunction, and suddenly we really create another big-bang! Wouldn't that be ironic?
Oh, and for those of you who didn't check out the post on Friday Feb. 25th...(or who did and didn't read the whole link "ways to destroy the earth") One of the ways to destroy the earth is to generate a black hole, and place it in the center of the planet, and wait for the planet to be sucked into it. Creating a black hole in a lab sounds like a cool thing to do, but, is it really the smartest idea?
I'm no scientist, I'm just a blogger who happens to like this kind of shit. However, I'd like to know there's some guy/gal or board of directors telling these happy-go-lucky scientists,
"NO! - DO NOT MAKE A BLACK HOLE ON OUR PLANET!"
I've had bad days, but being sucked into a black hole made by E.U. scientists in Switzerland, would take the cake.
But if it really came to that, maybe Mindfuck's wizard could help us Fjordians out. Thank god one of us, at some point in time was thinking, and got themselves a wizard.
Brent?
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/science/nature/4327161.stm
it's a little dry, so here's a couple of juicy parts...
The first of some 5,000 magnets that will bend particles at near light-speed around a huge tunnel under Switzerland and France has been lowered into place.
They're making this machine called the Large Hadron Collider, or- (LHC). What will this big bastard machine really do? Well, let's hear from the experts...
The LHC will recreate the searing-hot conditions that existed just fractions of a second after the Big Bang.
Scientists hope this will enable them to see new physics, and discover the sought-after Higgs boson, or "God particle", which explains why matter has mass.
Researchers may even find new dimensions and generate mini-black holes.
So I was just kinda' thinkin'...nobody knows why the big bang really happened, but everyone (in basically the scientific field) agrees that it was kind of the universal starting point for everything that exists. So I thought - what about in a crazy sci-fi way, we create a machine that will re-create the conditions of the big bang, and instead there's a small malfunction, and suddenly we really create another big-bang! Wouldn't that be ironic?
Oh, and for those of you who didn't check out the post on Friday Feb. 25th...(or who did and didn't read the whole link "ways to destroy the earth") One of the ways to destroy the earth is to generate a black hole, and place it in the center of the planet, and wait for the planet to be sucked into it. Creating a black hole in a lab sounds like a cool thing to do, but, is it really the smartest idea?
I'm no scientist, I'm just a blogger who happens to like this kind of shit. However, I'd like to know there's some guy/gal or board of directors telling these happy-go-lucky scientists,
"NO! - DO NOT MAKE A BLACK HOLE ON OUR PLANET!"
I've had bad days, but being sucked into a black hole made by E.U. scientists in Switzerland, would take the cake.
But if it really came to that, maybe Mindfuck's wizard could help us Fjordians out. Thank god one of us, at some point in time was thinking, and got themselves a wizard.
Brent?
Monday, March 07, 2005
Best Line of the Night
Sorry kids, the last few days have been playing tour guide for my brother...(who operates a cyber attack website sponsored by the NSA...based out of a fortified Starbucks coffee shop somewhere in the upper North-West portion of the United States)...And...if I tell you more he'll kill me....(and he will...seriously, he'll...nevermind...)...so I won't) and I have been prevented from making any posts over the last three days. However, I think I should share with you the best line of the night, which happened to be...
"Wookie sex."
Suddenly Carrie Fischer says..."George, look, I'm not doing this kind of thing..."
A bunch of guys check the lighting and George says, "Carrie, you've just got to do this. It'll never make the final cut, but...the movie needs this kind of subtext....just make this happen and we can go home...for tonight."
Carrie sucks it up unhappily...and looks at Chewbacca with innocent eyes ('cause she's an actress) and beg's Chewey...
"Be gentle..."
We look at the happy couple as Carrie make a hapless look to George and the cinematographer, but the scene moves on...
She turns back to Chewey and suddenly the words escape her lips...
"WOW! That's a BIG COCK!"
Chewey, with surprisingly perfect english says...
"It's furred. For her added pleasure."
The lava lamp moves three large blobs...
and then...five seconds later.
Carrie Fisher says...
"It's like being fucked with a wig!!! OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE BEING FUCKED BY A WIG!!!!"
I can't confirm or deny that Carrie Fisher was there with us at the time, but, goddamn, that was a night.
"Wookie sex."
Suddenly Carrie Fischer says..."George, look, I'm not doing this kind of thing..."
A bunch of guys check the lighting and George says, "Carrie, you've just got to do this. It'll never make the final cut, but...the movie needs this kind of subtext....just make this happen and we can go home...for tonight."
Carrie sucks it up unhappily...and looks at Chewbacca with innocent eyes ('cause she's an actress) and beg's Chewey...
"Be gentle..."
We look at the happy couple as Carrie make a hapless look to George and the cinematographer, but the scene moves on...
She turns back to Chewey and suddenly the words escape her lips...
"WOW! That's a BIG COCK!"
Chewey, with surprisingly perfect english says...
"It's furred. For her added pleasure."
The lava lamp moves three large blobs...
and then...five seconds later.
Carrie Fisher says...
"It's like being fucked with a wig!!! OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE BEING FUCKED BY A WIG!!!!"
I can't confirm or deny that Carrie Fisher was there with us at the time, but, goddamn, that was a night.
More Fjord for Thought
While conversing with Mindfuck the other day, we began discussing the pros of living in The Matrix, as opposed to never getting "turned on." While neither one of us is particualrily geeky in that Matrix kind of way, we were both drunk and this seemed like a good drunk conversation. After a few minutes of this discussion, it became moderately clear to my booze-addled brain that Mindfuck was having none of wanting to live inside The Matrix. I broke it down like this:
Look, in The Matrix you get to have cool names like "Neo" and "Morpheus" while driving around in a cool ship called "The Nebekenezer." Out here, your name is Mindfuck and you drive a Honda Accord.
I forget what happened next, but I'll bet we ate something........
Look, in The Matrix you get to have cool names like "Neo" and "Morpheus" while driving around in a cool ship called "The Nebekenezer." Out here, your name is Mindfuck and you drive a Honda Accord.
I forget what happened next, but I'll bet we ate something........
Food for thought
I was thinking today that if someone offered me one wish, my wish would be that I could have my very own wizard. Not cuz of the cool beard, and the no doubt thrilling conversation, but because when I introduce him, I get to go "Hey everybody, this is my new wizard Brent." (I got to change his name) That would be totally awesome!
Friday, March 04, 2005
FJORD -VS- TIME (Fjord wins!)
More on temporal constructs (part three)
I know it’s been a bit since I’ve touched on this, but here’s a quick refresher. I was hoping to adopt a “time structure” to Fjord, where everyone would be on various places in time, at the same time. So, in other words, if Q-dog posted something at 5:00 Eastern Time, it would actually come before me posting something at 4:45 Pacific. (which would, as Blogger time works, put my post before Q-dog’s) However, looking into the whole “Time thing” I started finding various theories of time, and came across something shocking.
A mathematician named Kurt Godel figured it was conceivable to take a sufficiently long space trip, and end up at anytime in your own past. Godel figured – any kind of universe that can allow time travel, means that the past isn’t the past, since you can visit it whenever you want. In that case, time itself doesn’t really exist.
I called the boys down at the Fjordlab ™ and gave ‘em the theorems and equations, and the lazy bastards finally finished something I gave them to work on. They reached the same conclusion. We exist in a world where time just doesn’t really exist. So, I figured, what the hell point am I really trying to make? Fjordtime? Doesn’t, Didn’t, and Never Will exist. Sorry to drag you through this long, futile, and ultimately pointless discussion.
Happy Friday.
I know it’s been a bit since I’ve touched on this, but here’s a quick refresher. I was hoping to adopt a “time structure” to Fjord, where everyone would be on various places in time, at the same time. So, in other words, if Q-dog posted something at 5:00 Eastern Time, it would actually come before me posting something at 4:45 Pacific. (which would, as Blogger time works, put my post before Q-dog’s) However, looking into the whole “Time thing” I started finding various theories of time, and came across something shocking.
A mathematician named Kurt Godel figured it was conceivable to take a sufficiently long space trip, and end up at anytime in your own past. Godel figured – any kind of universe that can allow time travel, means that the past isn’t the past, since you can visit it whenever you want. In that case, time itself doesn’t really exist.
I called the boys down at the Fjordlab ™ and gave ‘em the theorems and equations, and the lazy bastards finally finished something I gave them to work on. They reached the same conclusion. We exist in a world where time just doesn’t really exist. So, I figured, what the hell point am I really trying to make? Fjordtime? Doesn’t, Didn’t, and Never Will exist. Sorry to drag you through this long, futile, and ultimately pointless discussion.
Happy Friday.
Kurt Rambis.... frugal, or a really big dork?
Earlier, I was flipping through the channels on the ol' tele, and I ran into an old basketball game from 1986 between the Lakers and the Rockets. It was game 5 of the Western Conference Finals. It was a really well played game, but the only thing I could think of was why was Kurt Rambis wearing those really old glasses with tape on them. Now as a guy who wears specs and plays sports, I would do just about anything not to wear them, and I mean anything. So it got me to thinking, what is Rambis doing? I mean, he must see Worthy and Jabbar wearing goggles. Now either the Lakers have a really poor optical plan, or those guys must just throw their money away. Don't you think Kareem and James ever explained the convenience of goggles to Kurt. And how many times do you think the Lakers had to stop practice cuz Kurt's eyewear was knocked right off his silly head. And the really sad part is, how many times do you think Byron Scott said to Magic, "Christ, Kurt is looking for his glasses on the court again, and his bag is coming out of the bottom of his shorts. Kurt, will you just get some goddamn goggles." Man, is Byron Scott a dick! Anyway, I guess the point I'm trying to make is The NBA.... it's Fantastic.
HA HA HA HA
i just rememebered that Warren Moon was on the Vikings for a minute and that just struck me as really funny for some reason - he didn't even make it into the NFL until he was 55.
good day everyone!
good day everyone!
Thursday, March 03, 2005
Oh Yeah, wanted to mention this
There's only 15 days left to nominate AND VOTE for the 1st annual FJORD AWARDS! So get cracking.
And...
So far only THREE people have chosen their Potential Pontiffs in our Bet On Who'll Be The Next Pope. I know reports have come out of the Vatican saying, "The Pope's Fine" and all, but if you don't get in now, and the Pope gets hit by a bus tomorrow, you're going to feel pretty stupid.
And...
So far only THREE people have chosen their Potential Pontiffs in our Bet On Who'll Be The Next Pope. I know reports have come out of the Vatican saying, "The Pope's Fine" and all, but if you don't get in now, and the Pope gets hit by a bus tomorrow, you're going to feel pretty stupid.
Whaaa...
Okay, just a little further down...
Blogger's being a bit funny with the template methinks...
Blogger's being a bit funny with the template methinks...
It's Getting to be that Time of Year
Where I start dreaming I'll have enough greenbacks to get me across the pond for the Monte Carlo Grand Prix. Most of you don't know exactly what goes on there, but lemme tell ya, it's pretty damn cool. They take the most state of the art cars ever made, and run 'em through a course set inside the medieval city of Monaco. It's so narrow and tight, that they claim, if it wasn't one of racing's oldest venues, they would have long since abandoned it because it's so dangerous. There's a stretch of course that goes by the Mediterranean, where they have divers on boats, in case a car flips off and into the water. How cool is that?? May 22 is the day of the big race, and if anyone out there has a big enough bankroll to include me and twenty of my closest friends, I'd appreciate it if you dropped me a note.
Here's a little course preview.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/motorsport/formula_one/circuit_guide/4244777.stm
Here's a little course preview.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/motorsport/formula_one/circuit_guide/4244777.stm
IN YOUR FACE 1883!!!
I haven't made any real effort to rain-blog from L.A., though it has been pretty damn wet for our little part of the universe. However all that can stop when I just heard IT'S THE RAINIEST, WETTEST, MUDSLIDIEST, SEASON EVER!!! I haven't been able to confirm this through any official site just yet, but coming courtesy of the L.A.ist - http://laist.com/ I'm inclined to believe it's true.
If that's the case, we beat out the wettest year - 1883, which was a hella long time ago. So one more record I lived through, and one more year I can slam with authority! "1883? What the hell good was that year? Name me one other thing 1883's famous for besides being wet!" Right, thought so.
If that's the case, we beat out the wettest year - 1883, which was a hella long time ago. So one more record I lived through, and one more year I can slam with authority! "1883? What the hell good was that year? Name me one other thing 1883's famous for besides being wet!" Right, thought so.
Fridays With the Service Industry
Listen folks, I'm a reasonable guy. I really am. I have many likes ranging from cocoa to rainbows, moonbeams to mouths. I have many interests ranging from robots to elastic, amateur porn to mouths and then back to robots. Clearly, I'm diverse. I also REALLY love the service industry. From top to bottom. I'm am excellent tipper, I always try to be nice and personable. Hell, even a little flirty if I think I can get a free side o' slaw I won't eat. Which brings me to today's dilemma. Going into a bar or restaurant on a Friday and being told, upon leaving, to have a nice weekend. I know on the surface this seems like a weird thing to get owly about. But if you really dissect it, it bears a strange sort of connotation. Right? Think about it. It's only Friday by this point. There's a whole friggin weekend up ahead, man! Is that "nice weekend" comment supposed to mean that my kind isn't welcome back in "Establishment A" until Monday? I mean, Christ's Death Rattle, what if I'm in the mood on Saturday for a heaping plate/glass of product that I know I can only get at "Establishment A"? What then? Spend a whole weekend longing? Wishing? Waiting? Wanting? Well, doesn't that just sound like a "nice weekend" - IF I'M GOING TO A FUCKING MORRISSEY WANNA-BE CONVENTION!
Anyway, Christ's Death Rattle would make a fucking awesome band name......
Shit.....fuck....I just realized it's only Thursday. This whole fucking day I've been thinking it's Friday.......sigh.......Have a nice weekend everybody!!!
Anyway, Christ's Death Rattle would make a fucking awesome band name......
Shit.....fuck....I just realized it's only Thursday. This whole fucking day I've been thinking it's Friday.......sigh.......Have a nice weekend everybody!!!
It's not my problem
Last September, I went to a party where I met a guy who was in aerospace. I thought that was pretty cool, so I asked, "What exactly do you do in the aerospace field?" He says, "I design deceleration systems for when space probes enter atmospheres. It's kind of tricky."
I was pretty impressed. Being kinda' up on science news, I mentioned the genesis Space Probe was about to come back to earth. The genesis was satellite designed to collect solar particles in space, and then come back so scientists could study pure pieces of the sun here on earth. Mission controllers got worried that even a regular landing, at the speed of parachute, might be enough to damage the collectors, so the hired a team of hollywood stunt pilots to catch the descending probe in mid-air with a big hook, suspended under a chopper. They would then lower the probe to earth very, very gently.
The fellow said, "I didn't work on that project, so if something goes wrong, it's not my problem." I laughed. A week or so later, the genesis space probe entered the earth's atmosphere, and it's deceleration systems failed. The hollywood stunt pilots watched from their choppers, as genesis fell at terminal velocity from space - stopping abruptly when it smashed into the Nevada desert.
What poor rocket scientist was actually responsible for that? I never found out that tidbit, but I do sort of wonder where he's working now. Yesterday there was a happy ending of sorts...
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/sci/tech/4313611.stm
I was pretty impressed. Being kinda' up on science news, I mentioned the genesis Space Probe was about to come back to earth. The genesis was satellite designed to collect solar particles in space, and then come back so scientists could study pure pieces of the sun here on earth. Mission controllers got worried that even a regular landing, at the speed of parachute, might be enough to damage the collectors, so the hired a team of hollywood stunt pilots to catch the descending probe in mid-air with a big hook, suspended under a chopper. They would then lower the probe to earth very, very gently.
The fellow said, "I didn't work on that project, so if something goes wrong, it's not my problem." I laughed. A week or so later, the genesis space probe entered the earth's atmosphere, and it's deceleration systems failed. The hollywood stunt pilots watched from their choppers, as genesis fell at terminal velocity from space - stopping abruptly when it smashed into the Nevada desert.
What poor rocket scientist was actually responsible for that? I never found out that tidbit, but I do sort of wonder where he's working now. Yesterday there was a happy ending of sorts...
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/sci/tech/4313611.stm
Wednesday, March 02, 2005
this guy rules
any mayor that endorses gin to fourth graders is cool with me. i might even move:
http://www.lasvegassun.com/sunbin/stories/lv-ed/2005/mar/02/518378833.html
http://www.lasvegassun.com/sunbin/stories/lv-ed/2005/mar/02/518378833.html
The Lakers really suck this year
they are losing to the freaking celtics as i write this...they remind me of the Knicks - what do you have to say to that East Coast fjorders?
did you know...
One of our favorite readers and snarkiest commentors has a blog of his own?? That's right, Hashbrown is out there busting freestyle rhymes over the most bad-assed of beats! Go check him out at http://www.insightgalactic.com/blogs/hb_blog.html and knock up his hit counter - Old Skool Fjord Style!
today's word of the week is:
senescence: the state of being or growing old.
used properly in a sentence:
The dinner hall at the retirement home was brimming with senescence.
used improperly in a sentence:
i was writing down a phone number but then my NEW pen locked up and went into senescence so i was unable to call her and we never performed coitus.
used as a salad dressing:
waitress: "what kind of dressing would you like on your salad?" Me: "Senescence"
used at the wrong time:
2am - lights go up at the bar -
"whoa - you're 38! i had no idea you were such a senescent creature - get out of my youthful existence you fucking fossil!"
used as a name/proper noun:
"Senescence, get over hear right now! My turkey sandwich isn't going to make itself. I rue the day you were ever born, Senescence" Senescence: "Screw you Dad! As each day goes by you become more senescent"
used as a healing ointment:
"Nice ball rash, John. You should put some Senescence on that! ....by Mennen!"
that's all for now - get ready for next week's word.
used properly in a sentence:
The dinner hall at the retirement home was brimming with senescence.
used improperly in a sentence:
i was writing down a phone number but then my NEW pen locked up and went into senescence so i was unable to call her and we never performed coitus.
used as a salad dressing:
waitress: "what kind of dressing would you like on your salad?" Me: "Senescence"
used at the wrong time:
2am - lights go up at the bar -
"whoa - you're 38! i had no idea you were such a senescent creature - get out of my youthful existence you fucking fossil!"
used as a name/proper noun:
"Senescence, get over hear right now! My turkey sandwich isn't going to make itself. I rue the day you were ever born, Senescence" Senescence: "Screw you Dad! As each day goes by you become more senescent"
used as a healing ointment:
"Nice ball rash, John. You should put some Senescence on that! ....by Mennen!"
that's all for now - get ready for next week's word.
the muppets suck
"So who's your favorite muppet?" Was one (if I do say so myself) of my best pick-up lines of all times. I used it on a couple of girls that were way out of my league one night, cause I was alone, and bored, and attracted to women out of my league. It worked really well, and I found myself talking to these two very attractive creatures way longer than I thought I would.
I'm from that era in time, where I remember being a kid, and waiting patiently for the Muppet Show to come on. It was a great show, and my dad would sit behind my brother and me, and laugh at the things that I thought were funny. It appealed to all of us. Later, the whole family went to see "The Muppet Movie." Shortly afterwards, we had the Muppet Movie Soundtrack in the car, and ye gods - I still know the words to "Rainbow Connection."
I was with my mom and one of her fun friends one afternoon, and somehow it came up that she (my mom's friend) went to school with Jim Hensen! At that time, he was playing around with socks with eyes, and little proto-puppet creatures...and she said, "To my lasting shame, I actually told him, you're never going to go anywhere with those puppets."
Now that's a classic quote. Jim Hensen founded an empire that took him...well, Yoda in the Empire Strikes Back was a muppet too. So he pretty much took puppets into a whole different world. But something happened along the way.
The muppets began to suck.
I don't know when it started happening, but it did. Maybe it was after Hensen passed away, and his heirs and followers had control of his characters...maybe it was before, when he had run out of "good juice," but what the hell??
I just saw a commercial for some pizza joint (hut? domino's? I dunno) and these little puppets were hawking the wares in the most annoying fashion. They used to be characters with strengths and weaknesses, but they were loveable, mature beings, and nearly human. But now, they've lost all of that. They are nothing but shrill spokes-animals, with no charm, no warmpth and no humor. When Gonzo is annoying, when Fozzy is annoying, when Animal just bugs the shit out of you, isn't it time to stop? Please, please...stop!
I'm from that era in time, where I remember being a kid, and waiting patiently for the Muppet Show to come on. It was a great show, and my dad would sit behind my brother and me, and laugh at the things that I thought were funny. It appealed to all of us. Later, the whole family went to see "The Muppet Movie." Shortly afterwards, we had the Muppet Movie Soundtrack in the car, and ye gods - I still know the words to "Rainbow Connection."
I was with my mom and one of her fun friends one afternoon, and somehow it came up that she (my mom's friend) went to school with Jim Hensen! At that time, he was playing around with socks with eyes, and little proto-puppet creatures...and she said, "To my lasting shame, I actually told him, you're never going to go anywhere with those puppets."
Now that's a classic quote. Jim Hensen founded an empire that took him...well, Yoda in the Empire Strikes Back was a muppet too. So he pretty much took puppets into a whole different world. But something happened along the way.
The muppets began to suck.
I don't know when it started happening, but it did. Maybe it was after Hensen passed away, and his heirs and followers had control of his characters...maybe it was before, when he had run out of "good juice," but what the hell??
I just saw a commercial for some pizza joint (hut? domino's? I dunno) and these little puppets were hawking the wares in the most annoying fashion. They used to be characters with strengths and weaknesses, but they were loveable, mature beings, and nearly human. But now, they've lost all of that. They are nothing but shrill spokes-animals, with no charm, no warmpth and no humor. When Gonzo is annoying, when Fozzy is annoying, when Animal just bugs the shit out of you, isn't it time to stop? Please, please...stop!
New Study Reveals That Polls, Surveys, Numbers and Even Studies Can Be Fudged to Back Up ANY Claim!
Or so 9 out of 10 people suveyed said, according to - oh, I don't know, some magazine I read that conducted some independent study on numbers reflected by polls. Hell, let's even go so far as to say there was no magazine, but this study was done by me for Fjord. Yes, 7 out of 13 people asked agreed that's a more credible story. Everyone knows I don't read. Well, at least 4 out of 8 of you do, according to findings printed in MIT's study entitled "Give Us A Break, Q-Dog, 4 of Us Are Quite Aware You Don't Read." Come, let me show you how to make a number say anything you want it to, including the word "BOOBS," if you have access to a calculator that can be turned upside down. That, however, may be a whole other post.
First, let's think of a number. Let's say....oh, I don't know.....12. Ok? 12. Now, in order to make this number say what you want it to, you must first take the number "1." So far so good, right? Ok, now that you have your "1" you're going to need a "2." Great, you're almost there, but now comes the tricky part. Converting "number" to "word." While this may be the hard part, it's also the most rewarding, as this is the part where you can begin to make your numbers say anything you want. Try to follow. In lieu of using the numbered keys on the top of your computer's keypads, use the letters and type: T-W-E-L-V-E, or twelve. Dear God, you've just made a "number" say the "word" twelve! Exciting, right? Now that you know how to do this, you can take any number, convert it to a word, and skew EVERYTHING to your liking! This works with anything, folks. From algebra to percentages. To wit:
Out of eight million people surveyed, ALL of them said I kick ass! Using the common algebraic formula "X" - "PI" times the square root of "Hmm," that's an astonishing 435,897% of people who think I rule!
Conversely, 100% of my girlfriends think it's time I find somewhere else to live......
First, let's think of a number. Let's say....oh, I don't know.....12. Ok? 12. Now, in order to make this number say what you want it to, you must first take the number "1." So far so good, right? Ok, now that you have your "1" you're going to need a "2." Great, you're almost there, but now comes the tricky part. Converting "number" to "word." While this may be the hard part, it's also the most rewarding, as this is the part where you can begin to make your numbers say anything you want. Try to follow. In lieu of using the numbered keys on the top of your computer's keypads, use the letters and type: T-W-E-L-V-E, or twelve. Dear God, you've just made a "number" say the "word" twelve! Exciting, right? Now that you know how to do this, you can take any number, convert it to a word, and skew EVERYTHING to your liking! This works with anything, folks. From algebra to percentages. To wit:
Out of eight million people surveyed, ALL of them said I kick ass! Using the common algebraic formula "X" - "PI" times the square root of "Hmm," that's an astonishing 435,897% of people who think I rule!
Conversely, 100% of my girlfriends think it's time I find somewhere else to live......
Tuesday, March 01, 2005
Wasn't I Just Talking About This??
I've noticed that things we seem to talk about here at Fjord, have a way of reaching more popular web-places about three days later.
Well, it's almost a bug killing robot...
Mechanical Fly Catcher!
The Fly Catcher uses non-toxic bait to lure your least favorite insects into its mouth where two sensors give it the kill signal, clamping its mouth shut, crushing the bug in its plastic jaws (in theory). Opening up with a satisfied burp and ready for its next kill, the Fly Catcher is sure to class up any room you put it in with an extra dose of functional, clapping horror.
From the fun people at Gizmodo - which you should visit at least once a week.
http://www.gizmodo.com/
Well, it's almost a bug killing robot...
Mechanical Fly Catcher!
The Fly Catcher uses non-toxic bait to lure your least favorite insects into its mouth where two sensors give it the kill signal, clamping its mouth shut, crushing the bug in its plastic jaws (in theory). Opening up with a satisfied burp and ready for its next kill, the Fly Catcher is sure to class up any room you put it in with an extra dose of functional, clapping horror.
From the fun people at Gizmodo - which you should visit at least once a week.
http://www.gizmodo.com/
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