What's Your Zombie Action Plan?

Judging from the number of zombie movies released in the last five years, (alot) I think there's probably something to be said for "life imitating art" or the polar opposite "art imitating life." Perhaps there are widespread instances of zombie-itis that are just not reported by our news programs. That's why we've come up with the Fjord Zombie Action Plan.

The first thing you need to know, is that an action plan is only good if you prepare for the eventuality of your action plan being used. So most of this stuff won't be any good if you actually wait for an outbreak of zombies. Preparation Is The Key!

1) Protect yourself with Zombie waver-forms.

Make all your friends and loved-ones sign a waver, that, if indeed they become zombies, you may kill their flesh-and-brains craving corpses. This is a super-important point people! The last thing you need is any hesitation in killing a zombie! The last pangs of love, for the person that once was the zombie about to snack on your neck is exactly the weakness they use to eat you. SO, the waver form will say something along the lines of

I,_______ hereby declare if I am turned into a zombie, you may destroy with whatever means necessary, my body, brain, or central nervous system with whatever is available, in order to prevent further death, destruction, or creation of more hideous zombies like me.

This will free you from all that guilt. You're legally in the clear too. All you have to do is say to your mom, brother, sister or significant other..."I believe you may have become a zombie! I will bash your head in with this shovel if you move any closer."

Now this will also help in determining if those around you are zombies. If they are NOT zombies, they will, of course, realize you are crazy/serious, and back away. If they ARE zombies, your words are meaningless, and you should begin killing immediately.

2) Weapons Cache

If I've learned anything from zombie movies, it's that you usually find a good weapon, but in the course of zombie combat, you can loose it. So, stock up on the good stuff, and place it around your Home/neighborhood/car/worplace. I'd recommend baseball bats, garden tools, swords, and axes. These items have no moving parts, like chainsaws, shredders, roto-tillers, or lawnmowers - which are effective, provided they keep working. So, if you're planning on using the latter, at least make sure they are properly maintained and fueled!

3)Defensible Redoubt

Another real problem with zombies is, they don't sleep. EVER! You, as a human, are going to reed rest. That's why you need a place to hole-up for a while. If you're in a building, It's got to have small or no windows, and a really heavy door. Remember, zombies have lost the ability to use tools, and can barely think, so when confronted by obstacles, they usually just try and claw through them. Don't be fooled - they are very strong - but fingers are no match for a metal fire door! You might also consider the "squirrel defense" and create a platform in a tree. I'm not certain that zombies can climb - but if they can, and it's anything like how they walk, you should be able to cut off their hands pretty easily, before they are close enough to do damage. But, if you choose this method, make sure you have an escape route! Zombies are patient, and will surround your tree - if they find it - and starve you out. At the very least, you need a rope and grapnel hook to get you to a neighboring building, or fenced yard.

4)Transportation.

It's a myth that you will starve in the midst of a zombie infestation. They do not eat human food. Zombies eat humans! So, with that in mind, any grocery store, corner mart, or restaurant will have food and drink. However, you'll need to get to those places, and a car or truck is the safest mode of travel. If you don't have a car, this can be tricky. If this is the case, think of all the neighbors around you, and find out the car they drive. Then, when you see one who has become a zombie...destroy him, and then search his pockets. People keep car keys in their pockets, and in the process of becoming a zombie, this will be the last thing on their mind.


Hopefully this has been helpful. Feel free to use any or all of these suggestions in creating your own personal Zombie Action Plan, but at least start preparing! Really, zombies are scary as shit, and an infestation will probably make you do irrational things, and if you don't have a plan, those irrational things are going to get you eaten.