That's right, "Americans," today is "Hug A Flag Day." Or, "Stare Lovingly Into a Flag's Eyes for a While Day." Or, "Make Sweet, Sweet Love to a Flag Day," if you love your country almost to the point of submissiveness. However, if you're like me and a growing number of "Americans," you celebrate Flag Day in a less showy manner. You don't need the glitz and glamour of unfurling your flag, but not all the way, and going all "Pigs in a Blanket" on it. Nope, instead let me show you how more and more people are showing flags just what this day is all about.
What I do is, I lock myself in a dark room wearing only my underpants and a flag on my head. ANY flag, it doesn't matter. I then light 6-7 votive candles and openly weep, for reasons only me and the flag can explain. Post weeping, I begin my "I'm an AmeriCAN not an AmeriCAN'T" chanting until I fall asleep in my own arms. When morning comes, I clean the mess off myself (don't ask) and go to work as if nothing happened! Folks, IT IS SO CLEANSING!!!
Keep in mind people, this is just what I and a few people I've been secretly drugging at work do. But it's never too late for you to join our as yet undetermined cause! As always, never forget the two most important Flag Day rules:
1.) YOU CAN "celebrate" ANY FLAG!!! Really, any flag. It could be a flag celebrating your love of pandas. It could be a flag letting people know your disdain for products made with bran. Hell, it could even just be a small bit of cloth. WHO GIVES A SHIT, RIGHT?
2.) REMEMBER: It's YOUR Flag Day! Just enjoy it, man......Don't let anyone but me tell you what you should do to commemorate what amounts to a day to celebrate patterned material.....
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