Wow, fjolks, this IS unexpected. Really. Every last one of you agreed?!?!? What can I say, I mean, I'm shocked. Cuz, I could think of at least 5-10 people off the top of my head that I woulda guessed would surely have disagreed. I would've guessed at least a billion more that would have disagreed just to better their own personal chances. But there it is. Undeniable, official proof of my-- well I guess no need to be bashful about it now-- proof of my superiority. You're probably wondering what all this babble is about. Although, I must say you have to already know what I'm talking about, as I can only assume that you had to have responded to the survey, or poll, or whatever it was. If you need memory refreshing, however, please read on.....
After finishing a meal of delivered Chinese food that could best be described as "substance," I turned to my fortune cookie for flavor respite. I tore open the package like I always do, you know, with a lighter and good old fashioned patience, inserted half of said cookie into my tooth-riddled, tongue-invaded face hole and masticated to completion. (no, MASTICATED) When there was ne'er a cookie bit left in my face hole that had yet to be broken down by saliva and lowered into my stomach valve, I turned to the "fortune" part of the cookie. The cookie's payoff. This is what it said:
EVERYONE AGREES YOU ARE THE BEST
WOW, right? I mean, for me-- wow. You guys already agreed to this so you already knew you agreed to my bestness. Bestocity. Bestitude--Look, fjolks, whatever you call it, you all agreed I'm it. I'm touched, humbled and maybe even a little embarrassed that it turns out that I'm the only person in the world who voted for themselves. This is quite an honor. As the best, I can't promise I'll do much of anything. Hey, I figure doing nothing's gotten me THIS far.........
Anyway, again you gjuys, thanks for this honor. This DEFINITELY changed my Wednesday night from a "Order Chinese, roll around naked in afterbirth, masturbate to completion (no, MASTURBATE) and fall asleep in the fetal position sucking my thumb muttering "I can keep a secret, I can keep a secret," to a Wednesday where I "Order Chinese, roll around naked in afterbirth, masturbate to completion (no, MASTURBATE) and fall asleep in the fetal position sucking my thumb muttering "I can keep a secret, I can keep a secret," where I know I'M THE BEST!!
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3 comments:
Geez, Q.
It took u this long to realize this? I thought you knew this when we deemed you the almighty Fjord Pope! Oh, thats right...you deemed yourself that, huh.
Well, nobody objected, damnit! You are the "bestest".
Rican
LMFAO @the fetal position and the crazy mutterings, btw!!
Masticate-masturbate-hmmm...you're using those mighty close together..LMFAO!
Of course you know...but other readers of our fair Fjord don't, that my 3-year stint at Ming's Chinese eat-a-torium has soured my palate off fortune cookies forever.
However, I do love the fortune part. Now I just smash the cookies and read the fortune...throwing the cookie in the trash.
Today, while moving my office,(over the last two days- which would also explain the lack of quality in my posts) I picked up a randome piece of paper off the floor. It was a fortune. It read. "You have a creative mind, a artistic spirit, and a willing soul."
I thought to myself - why the hell would anybody save this fortune? Who the hell in the real world don't have all that. Then I realized, I was moving a bunch of actuarians, and had that, "aha" moment. Then I just felt sad.
However, it's got nothing to do with your greatness. I voted - yer damn right I did. Luckily, it worked out the way I hoped.
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