Friday stood in the middle of the salt-flats in something resembling a space suit. He had a massive helmet in one hand, and rested the other on the driver's side door of a massive tanker truck.
He was in the middle of a conversation with the driver, who had the window rolled down.
"Are you sure you want to do this?" The driver said.
"Sure." Said Friday with confidence
"Why?"
"It'll be fun!"
"Okay - well, it's your neck. I gotta go."
"See Ya!" Finished Friday.
The weekdays walked up across the flats in similar suits. They walked in a formation, with Tuesday in the front. He spoke first.
"Friday, we do a lot of things you say, but this...this is far beyond anything that I want to do!"
The other weekdays stood there, not exactly implying they agreed with Tuesday, but not implying they didn't.
"C'mon, it'll be a blast - literally! Besides, what else you got to do right now?"
"Friday," Tuesday began to seethe, "I'm getting tired of your platypus!"
"You mean platitudes?"
"See! There! You fucking know what I mean!"
With that, the giant fuel truck drove off, revealing behind it, a formation of five rocket-cars sitting sweetly on the salt-flat.
"Well," Friday began, "you don't have to come. I mean, none of you have to come along, but it always seems that when you end up doing your damnedest, you've got nothin', and you end up doing what I'm doing. And this is what I'm doing. Besides, you know how much work it took to line all this up?"
"It's just that it's! It's! It's..." Tuesday blathered.
"Tuesday," Friday said, "look, sit back - breathe...and pretend your in a spy movie." And with that Friday walked towards the rocket-cars, pulling on his space-suit helmet.
"Eh, what the fuck." Said Monday, and followed after, along with Wednesday and Thursday.
"What the fuck!" Stamped Tuesday. "What the fuck??! I don't want to end up an exploded weekday across a good chunk of Utah! That's what the fuck!" However, shortly after standing there by himself, and watching the others strap themselves in to their rocket cars, he looked around - and shuffled over to do the same.
He lifted the canopy that covered a small cockpit in front of a huge tail-fin, on the top of the big, massive rocket that steamed a dry-ice steam in the desert sun. He connected a few wire leads into his suit, and was privy to the radio conversation taking place.
"So we're doing this why?" Thursday spoke, then there was some static.
"Beacuse there's a party on Saturday in Tokyo!" Said Friday.
"Why don't we just take a plane?" Asked Monday.
"Cause it's already Saturday in Japan. It's the date-line that's our problem. We have to be there today, in order to make if for tomorrow."
"Oh. Copy that."
"Okay gentlemen." Continued Friday, "activate rocket-cars."
With that hands moved to buttons, flicked toggles, and the rocket cars sprang to life. Accelerating at great speed across the salt-flats, the five vehicles left behind them sonic booms as they broke the sound barrier. Then small in the distance, a curious dark shape emerged. The distance rapidly covered, the shape emerged into a gigantic ramp, made of dark steel. Around it massive cranes, trucks, and scaffolding stood.
"Crap." Said Friday.
"What's that?" Radioed Tuesday.
"Doesn't look like they finished."
"WHAT!"
"Well, I did just ask for them to do this today. I think they've done pretty good."
"Good! GOOD! WE'LL BE KILLED! THIS WAS WHY I..."
Friday cut him off.
"Sit back, breathe, and pretend you're in a spy movie."
"Oh Fuck." Wednesday finished Tuesday's thought.
As they covered the distance, they could see small figures with yellow hard-hats scrambling to get out of the way. The ramp itself was huge. Massive. Enormous. Like, Hoover Dam big. Plates were missing, and a work crew was still trying to affix a plate at the very top, held by cables from a massive crane. Friday switched to a different channel, and radioed the work-crew.
"Uh, please get off the ramp. Five rocket-cars heading towards your position. Thank you!"
At the foot of the massive ramp, they could see the men scrambling, and four cables swinging madly in the wind as the crane tried it's best to swing them out of the way! They rode up the gentle slope at an amazing speed. Thursday looked out the side of his canopy, and saw the astonished face of a metal-worker.
"Activate afterburners." Said Friday.
They all did.
The ramp shook, and began to fall apart behind them. Huge plates of steel were blasted back into the desert. Scaffolding fell apart, and tumbled haphazardly down to the ground. Then, in a split-second, Friday, Thursday, Wednesday, Monday and Tuesday left the ramp at an angle of 45 degrees, and at something like 25,000 miles per hour.
Which is pretty damn fast.
Which is what they all thought, as they sailed through the sky, and within moments were looking at the curve of the earth. From high above the Pacific, they could see the little green splotches of Hawaii, and at the far end, the glowing of the sun they were catching up to. At a certain spot (aided by navagational computers - of course) Friday said, "Okay, cut engines."
They glided through the perfect quiet of space, as the Pacific drifted past, and gravity began to tug on them.
"Hey Friday," Said Wednesday. How are we...exactly...supposed to land?" There was the obligatory static after he transmitted that.
"Well, if my mathematician's numbers are right, there should be a corresponding ramp built at our landing site."
"If your mathematician's numbers are right!" Said Monday.
"Yeah. Of course my translator didn't exactly know some of the words to describe what we're up to, so, hopefully the construction company got the information just right."
"Just right!" Said Thursday. "If they don't!"
"Okay, how many times do I have to say this. Sit back, breathe, and pretend..."
Happy Friday.
Friday, January 20, 2006
Congratulations!!!
Normally - this kind of post would be reserved for a comments section but I decided that the magnitude and grandeur of what is being congratulated needed to be thrust into the limelight. I want to personally thank Dario Tsunami and congratulate him on what is truly one of the most entertaining blogs out there - some of these things should have a fee attached to them - way too good to be free. Anway, Dario, you're a great man and somehow an even better writer. The pure quality and dedication to what's in here is truly inspirational. All future verbs that explain whatever actions you are in the midst of should have the word "fjordly" attached to them. I can't wait until my next chance at a mad-lib.
yer pal,
Fjord Borg
yer pal,
Fjord Borg
Thursday, January 19, 2006
And now for something completely different
We're one year old today.
(Now before anybody goes all ape-shit here, I think it's fair to warn you: I will personally fuck anyone in the mouth with a shovel who says, "Yabba-dabba-doo!"
So, now...what to say about alllll that?
1) In one year, this little webzine has seen 7,584 visitors, and been hit 17,051 times.
That's probably 7,500 people I wouldn't have communicated at all with in the last year. I'm glad we kept in touch.
Now, if you would have told me last year at this time, that in this span of time, I would have lost three of my fellow writers to "blogging fatigue" I would have thought - "no way man, not these guys!" However, as has been mentioned at this site a couple of times, writing is hard. Writing in today's content driven era on a random electronic page (amidst 800 million other random electronic pages)...is practically meaningless. Still, as a body of work, Fjord's pretty much exceeded all expectations. There's a couple of stupendous posts, a few great ones, and tons in the "purtty good" category.
"Why are you saying this?" You ask.
Well, the other day, I went nuts on the blogger toolbar, and looked at some random competition. If I do say so myself, Fjord has no random competition. We have NO competition, period.
What this means, I have no idea.
-Tsunami-
And now, a re-post from back in the merry days of November.
Enjoy.
Well, there goes the neighborhood...a short, short story
I saw him looking out the window, on the fourth story of a brick apartment building that might have been built in the 40's. He was obviously sort of a man-sized bug, but what kind, I couldn't tell from the street, and what with the reflections off the glass window.
A man came out of the apartment building and I looked at him. It seemed as though he was pretty well human, which gave me at least a little hope that the whole place wasn't a big nest or hive of the huge creatures. Altho, as I looked closer at the man, (who had reached the sidewalk, and was now moving towards me) it appeared that his disguise wasn't as good up-close as it was from far away. a small bump stuck out on his forehead, under the skin. In the exact spot where an antenna would be.
"Not so fast Mr. Bug!" I said, and grabbed his neck by the crook of my elbow. "I don't know what you're doing in my neighborhood, or what your plans for humanity are, but I aim to stop you!" Then I began tugging madly at his hair and back of his mask's neck in order to pull it off him.
"Stop!" He cried.
"Never!" I said, pulling like mad at the scruff of his neck, "Not until you tell me what your species is planning to do to the earth!"
"Stop!" He cried again as I got a better grip on the top of his scalp and pulled like crazy. I could feel it move, but it didn't seem as though it would come off."
"Hey! What are you doing!?" Said a passerby.
"This apartment building is full of man-sized insects," I said, "and this is one of them in disguise. I'm going to unmask him and find out what their plans are!"
"Christ, another whacko." The guy said. Then he ran up to try and pry my arm away from the giant insect's neck. Eventually, and with much struggling, they were able to pry me off, however, as they did, I jumped back and whipped out my gun.
"Allright." I said. "Look Mr. I don't know if you're working for them, or if you're just a confused bystander, but whether this bug's dead or alive, I'm going to have his mask off." Then, I addressed the bug in the mask. "So what's it going to be? You've got three seconds before I fire!" The bug didn't move.
"One." I said quickly. The bystander's eyes moved rapidly between me, my gun, and the masked bug.
"Two!" I didn't wait long to say it, and then cocked the hammer back. The bug reached up and began pulling off his realistic-looking human mask. Underneath, wasn't a man-sized bug, but instead a man-sized duck!
"Holy crap!" The bystander said, jumping away from the duck.
"All-right duck." I said, keeping him covered, "What's this all about?"
"Quack." He said.
"So it's going to be like that huh." I turned to the bystander, "Hey buddy, see what I'm talking about!!??"
"Uh, yeah..." He said, confused.
"Well you'd better go fetch some law. Who knows what else is in that apartment building!"
"Yeah," He finished, and took off up the street.
I turned back to the duck.
"So, what insidious plots are you hatching in that apartment building?"
"Quack, quack." He said.
I shot him in the leg.
Lousy ducks.
(Now before anybody goes all ape-shit here, I think it's fair to warn you: I will personally fuck anyone in the mouth with a shovel who says, "Yabba-dabba-doo!"
So, now...what to say about alllll that?
1) In one year, this little webzine has seen 7,584 visitors, and been hit 17,051 times.
That's probably 7,500 people I wouldn't have communicated at all with in the last year. I'm glad we kept in touch.
Now, if you would have told me last year at this time, that in this span of time, I would have lost three of my fellow writers to "blogging fatigue" I would have thought - "no way man, not these guys!" However, as has been mentioned at this site a couple of times, writing is hard. Writing in today's content driven era on a random electronic page (amidst 800 million other random electronic pages)...is practically meaningless. Still, as a body of work, Fjord's pretty much exceeded all expectations. There's a couple of stupendous posts, a few great ones, and tons in the "purtty good" category.
"Why are you saying this?" You ask.
Well, the other day, I went nuts on the blogger toolbar, and looked at some random competition. If I do say so myself, Fjord has no random competition. We have NO competition, period.
What this means, I have no idea.
-Tsunami-
And now, a re-post from back in the merry days of November.
Enjoy.
Well, there goes the neighborhood...a short, short story
I saw him looking out the window, on the fourth story of a brick apartment building that might have been built in the 40's. He was obviously sort of a man-sized bug, but what kind, I couldn't tell from the street, and what with the reflections off the glass window.
A man came out of the apartment building and I looked at him. It seemed as though he was pretty well human, which gave me at least a little hope that the whole place wasn't a big nest or hive of the huge creatures. Altho, as I looked closer at the man, (who had reached the sidewalk, and was now moving towards me) it appeared that his disguise wasn't as good up-close as it was from far away. a small bump stuck out on his forehead, under the skin. In the exact spot where an antenna would be.
"Not so fast Mr. Bug!" I said, and grabbed his neck by the crook of my elbow. "I don't know what you're doing in my neighborhood, or what your plans for humanity are, but I aim to stop you!" Then I began tugging madly at his hair and back of his mask's neck in order to pull it off him.
"Stop!" He cried.
"Never!" I said, pulling like mad at the scruff of his neck, "Not until you tell me what your species is planning to do to the earth!"
"Stop!" He cried again as I got a better grip on the top of his scalp and pulled like crazy. I could feel it move, but it didn't seem as though it would come off."
"Hey! What are you doing!?" Said a passerby.
"This apartment building is full of man-sized insects," I said, "and this is one of them in disguise. I'm going to unmask him and find out what their plans are!"
"Christ, another whacko." The guy said. Then he ran up to try and pry my arm away from the giant insect's neck. Eventually, and with much struggling, they were able to pry me off, however, as they did, I jumped back and whipped out my gun.
"Allright." I said. "Look Mr. I don't know if you're working for them, or if you're just a confused bystander, but whether this bug's dead or alive, I'm going to have his mask off." Then, I addressed the bug in the mask. "So what's it going to be? You've got three seconds before I fire!" The bug didn't move.
"One." I said quickly. The bystander's eyes moved rapidly between me, my gun, and the masked bug.
"Two!" I didn't wait long to say it, and then cocked the hammer back. The bug reached up and began pulling off his realistic-looking human mask. Underneath, wasn't a man-sized bug, but instead a man-sized duck!
"Holy crap!" The bystander said, jumping away from the duck.
"All-right duck." I said, keeping him covered, "What's this all about?"
"Quack." He said.
"So it's going to be like that huh." I turned to the bystander, "Hey buddy, see what I'm talking about!!??"
"Uh, yeah..." He said, confused.
"Well you'd better go fetch some law. Who knows what else is in that apartment building!"
"Yeah," He finished, and took off up the street.
I turned back to the duck.
"So, what insidious plots are you hatching in that apartment building?"
"Quack, quack." He said.
I shot him in the leg.
Lousy ducks.
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
All Right Then...
More and more, 2006 is resembling a horrible caramel spill where, you think it's really fun - what with all the screaming and the fact that it goes great with apples...that is until you loose your shoes, and socks, and even when yer actually out of the stuff, your bare feer are just picking up large rocks, pine cones, and stray bits of glass, (cause they're sticky too) and driving them deep towards your metatarsil bones (or whatever bone structure is deep within your feer...)
So anyways, I'm going to take a trip to a happier place. A place where candied panda run free, peering playfully from behind trees, awaiting you to get hungry enough to catch one. A place where you can pick up a kick-ass automobile for the simple price of twenty pushups. (hard for some, I know...but it's a damn fine CAR I'm talking about.) A place where the Lollipop Guild and the Leprechaun's Union have hilarious bare-knuckled brawls for control of the sugar-plum racket. A place where you can go to Reno, shoot a man - watch him die, and the cops'll say (over thunderous applause of bystanders) "Quite right, he'd had it coming for a while now. Good thing you came along...say, would you like a new house?"
And I'm not even bringing up the hovercraft, rocket-cars, liquid-nitrogen, robot servants, epoxy seas, cloud-cities and the slim model-esque nature of the inhabitants. I'm just sayin', I'm goin'. Wanna come?
So anyways, I'm going to take a trip to a happier place. A place where candied panda run free, peering playfully from behind trees, awaiting you to get hungry enough to catch one. A place where you can pick up a kick-ass automobile for the simple price of twenty pushups. (hard for some, I know...but it's a damn fine CAR I'm talking about.) A place where the Lollipop Guild and the Leprechaun's Union have hilarious bare-knuckled brawls for control of the sugar-plum racket. A place where you can go to Reno, shoot a man - watch him die, and the cops'll say (over thunderous applause of bystanders) "Quite right, he'd had it coming for a while now. Good thing you came along...say, would you like a new house?"
And I'm not even bringing up the hovercraft, rocket-cars, liquid-nitrogen, robot servants, epoxy seas, cloud-cities and the slim model-esque nature of the inhabitants. I'm just sayin', I'm goin'. Wanna come?
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
Yaay! Whoo!
- 2006 -
It's a little slippery right now. I'm just lying down amongst the piles of crap everywhere - left over from the weekend. Sometimes those kind of things are kinda nice, like you're surrounded in a protective maze...other times, like now, I just gotta get rid of crap. So that's what I'm gonna do. Back in a bit.
It's a little slippery right now. I'm just lying down amongst the piles of crap everywhere - left over from the weekend. Sometimes those kind of things are kinda nice, like you're surrounded in a protective maze...other times, like now, I just gotta get rid of crap. So that's what I'm gonna do. Back in a bit.
Saturday, January 14, 2006
As a MN follow-up
I was looking through the archives and found this. (How cool is it to link to ones-self? Berry Berry cool.)
Anyways the guy running for governor said...
He promises that if he's elected, he will impale terrorists on pikes.
If you read the comments for "Deathblog 2005" you'll find that pikes are always funny.
Oooh! Here's one more from our common Fjordpast...
I'm off...to New Orleans to declare myself King of the Swamp People. I will begin my reign of terror by displaying the heads of those who disobey me on pikes, surrounding the roof of the Superdome!
Anyways the guy running for governor said...
He promises that if he's elected, he will impale terrorists on pikes.
If you read the comments for "Deathblog 2005" you'll find that pikes are always funny.
Oooh! Here's one more from our common Fjordpast...
I'm off...to New Orleans to declare myself King of the Swamp People. I will begin my reign of terror by displaying the heads of those who disobey me on pikes, surrounding the roof of the Superdome!
Friday, January 13, 2006
Awww...crap...
I just clicked on a link from cute-overload, and got...
Adorablog!
Dang...
I need to go drink wisky and feel like a man. Or something.
Adorablog!
Dang...
I need to go drink wisky and feel like a man. Or something.
Untitled #1
Friday welcomes you to the oasis, astride a massive white stallion. Behind him oasis dwellers lounge by mirror-smooth oasis pools, where veil-clad women reveal their abdominal secrets with fantastic belly-dancing. (and for you womenfjolk, the strapping young men of the oasis are about to race their own fine horses through the oasis square...shirtless)
Choose, if you will, from an assortment of beers, chilling in metal buckets full of ice, lying about in helpful places. (under that tree! behind that tent! by that bench! right there- at your feet) Or, saunter to the plaza, tiled in exquisite mosaic, where helpful folk grill kabobs, bar-b-que ribs, and vats of delicious curry. (don't ask me why they have bar-b-que and curry, I didn't make up the oasis menu for Friday...they just do, okay.) Or perhaps you'll visit one of the numerous hookah-bars and get ripped on hash and opium. I'm not one to judge, they also have a fantastic assortment of "tobacco pipes."
What will you do here at the oasis, you wonder? Well, later there'll be a band, who'll knock your socks off, or so I've been hearing. Or, maybe you'll look for the love of your life (I'm told they might be just around that corner...over there, past that rug shop. Come to think of it, maybe you could buy a rug?) Possibly you might challenge the oasis-dwelling Giant Praying Mantis at a game of chess. I read he's a grand-master, and once played Kasparov in a hard fought 5-3 match. If that's not your style, there's some line dancing out by the Oasis-Annex...I'm told it's a lot of fun, but they don't let cowboys into Oasis Proper, unless it's in the cinema, or for the annual "Lasso a Bull Festival, " but that's not until February.
Maybe you'll just follow Friday back to the club (yeah, they got a thumpin' joint - Paul Okenfold's supposed to Zepplin in around 10-ish and do a set.) where he's got a room, and will be chillin' with the other weekdays...apparently he's flown in a team of experts who are supposed to come up with new and inventive ways of being nice to him, and all his friends. Sounds, umm, pretty nice.
Well, this is where I leave you, I've got to pick up my shoes (oh, yeah - there's a kickass cobbler here, incase you need some work done) before the soap-box-derby...what? No, no, I'm just going to watch, but all you gotta do is sign a waver, and you can race if you want. Oh, there'll be plenty of cars that don't have drivers. I don't know why, it just seems as tho with lots of time on their hands, the oasis-dwellers make a lot of soap-box-derby cars. Infact, it's their biggest export. You should see the wood-work on those things...man, now that's craftsmanship! So, I'm off. Have fun, and if you need me, later I'll be on the roof of the Mummy Museum, I've got a new rocket-launcher I want to try out. And it's the only building that's got an unobstructed view of Saheed's Used Car Lot. Man is that guy gonna be pissed tomorrow! Hah! Oh, one more thing - just remember - do not break any laws...the only punishment here is beheading, and it costs a lot to bribe your way out of that one, I'm telling you!
Happy Friday.
-D.T.-
Choose, if you will, from an assortment of beers, chilling in metal buckets full of ice, lying about in helpful places. (under that tree! behind that tent! by that bench! right there- at your feet) Or, saunter to the plaza, tiled in exquisite mosaic, where helpful folk grill kabobs, bar-b-que ribs, and vats of delicious curry. (don't ask me why they have bar-b-que and curry, I didn't make up the oasis menu for Friday...they just do, okay.) Or perhaps you'll visit one of the numerous hookah-bars and get ripped on hash and opium. I'm not one to judge, they also have a fantastic assortment of "tobacco pipes."
What will you do here at the oasis, you wonder? Well, later there'll be a band, who'll knock your socks off, or so I've been hearing. Or, maybe you'll look for the love of your life (I'm told they might be just around that corner...over there, past that rug shop. Come to think of it, maybe you could buy a rug?) Possibly you might challenge the oasis-dwelling Giant Praying Mantis at a game of chess. I read he's a grand-master, and once played Kasparov in a hard fought 5-3 match. If that's not your style, there's some line dancing out by the Oasis-Annex...I'm told it's a lot of fun, but they don't let cowboys into Oasis Proper, unless it's in the cinema, or for the annual "Lasso a Bull Festival, " but that's not until February.
Maybe you'll just follow Friday back to the club (yeah, they got a thumpin' joint - Paul Okenfold's supposed to Zepplin in around 10-ish and do a set.) where he's got a room, and will be chillin' with the other weekdays...apparently he's flown in a team of experts who are supposed to come up with new and inventive ways of being nice to him, and all his friends. Sounds, umm, pretty nice.
Well, this is where I leave you, I've got to pick up my shoes (oh, yeah - there's a kickass cobbler here, incase you need some work done) before the soap-box-derby...what? No, no, I'm just going to watch, but all you gotta do is sign a waver, and you can race if you want. Oh, there'll be plenty of cars that don't have drivers. I don't know why, it just seems as tho with lots of time on their hands, the oasis-dwellers make a lot of soap-box-derby cars. Infact, it's their biggest export. You should see the wood-work on those things...man, now that's craftsmanship! So, I'm off. Have fun, and if you need me, later I'll be on the roof of the Mummy Museum, I've got a new rocket-launcher I want to try out. And it's the only building that's got an unobstructed view of Saheed's Used Car Lot. Man is that guy gonna be pissed tomorrow! Hah! Oh, one more thing - just remember - do not break any laws...the only punishment here is beheading, and it costs a lot to bribe your way out of that one, I'm telling you!
Happy Friday.
-D.T.-
Thursday, January 12, 2006
Man, it's been quite a year, hasn't it.
Well, we've seen a lot of heartbreak this year, a little joy, barely any money, and now - like they always say "time flies" well, it does. Now, perched on the edge of twenty-oh-seven I for one, have a few regrets about twenty-oh-six.
-first off- not enough sex. I mean, sure, there was some...but not enough with me! My first request of twenty-oh-seven is, send more girls!
-second- I really didn't accomplish any of my goals. In fact, it seems like only last week I was working on some things I wanted to get done in oh-six, and now, it's already the edge of oh-seven, and I didn't even really get my laundry done...what's up with that???
-third- howcome I don't have a robot? If I get through twenty-oh-seven without a robot, I'm going to start believing that they're just a complete fabrication of fictionalists. (after that I'm going to look into this whole "french maid" thing, that while also might be the fabrication of fictionalists, it's a fiction that has existed for far longer than this "household robot" fantasy.
-fourth- not enough time to work on my stadium anthem. Back in oh-five, I worked out the concept of the song I wanted to write which would be played in stadiums and arenas during sporting events. Much like Queen, back in the day, cornered the market with "We are the champions," and "We will rock you," I figgered having a clip of a song played over stadium soundspeakers would be a goldmine. Wasn't able to find the time to work on the words, or the music in oh-six.
-fifth- Never found the time to find my own personal biographer, videographer, or chronicler. I really wanted that to happen in oh-six, so I could stop remembering everything, and devote all my brain-power to having a really-great time, getting loaded, and generally being a charming dude. (which may explain why #1 didn't work out so well.)
Anyways, I'm not going to dwell on "what could have been" 'cause that's not my style. I'm just going to say, "It was a great year, wasn't it!" I'm off to my New Years Eve party, which, as per usual, I have low expectations for, but you never really know.
See ya on the other side!
Happy New Yar.
-Tsunami-
-first off- not enough sex. I mean, sure, there was some...but not enough with me! My first request of twenty-oh-seven is, send more girls!
-second- I really didn't accomplish any of my goals. In fact, it seems like only last week I was working on some things I wanted to get done in oh-six, and now, it's already the edge of oh-seven, and I didn't even really get my laundry done...what's up with that???
-third- howcome I don't have a robot? If I get through twenty-oh-seven without a robot, I'm going to start believing that they're just a complete fabrication of fictionalists. (after that I'm going to look into this whole "french maid" thing, that while also might be the fabrication of fictionalists, it's a fiction that has existed for far longer than this "household robot" fantasy.
-fourth- not enough time to work on my stadium anthem. Back in oh-five, I worked out the concept of the song I wanted to write which would be played in stadiums and arenas during sporting events. Much like Queen, back in the day, cornered the market with "We are the champions," and "We will rock you," I figgered having a clip of a song played over stadium soundspeakers would be a goldmine. Wasn't able to find the time to work on the words, or the music in oh-six.
-fifth- Never found the time to find my own personal biographer, videographer, or chronicler. I really wanted that to happen in oh-six, so I could stop remembering everything, and devote all my brain-power to having a really-great time, getting loaded, and generally being a charming dude. (which may explain why #1 didn't work out so well.)
Anyways, I'm not going to dwell on "what could have been" 'cause that's not my style. I'm just going to say, "It was a great year, wasn't it!" I'm off to my New Years Eve party, which, as per usual, I have low expectations for, but you never really know.
See ya on the other side!
Happy New Yar.
-Tsunami-
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
I'm tired and there's a game on...
I'm gonna go watch it.
Now here's a little something for you to watch!
Strangely hypnotic (is how I'd describe it)
'night.
Now here's a little something for you to watch!
Strangely hypnotic (is how I'd describe it)
'night.
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
I EXPECT YOU TO DIE!!
hmm...perhaps twenty-oooh-six will be the year that I finally become a Supervillain.
I can see a lot of benefits to that kind of career move.
1) A cool Lair.
2) An array of spiffy vehicles.
3) Large cashflow.
4) Uber-hot lovers.
5) A mob of tough-guys to carry out my orders.
And that's just a few. Probly get good tables at all the best restaurants, skyboxes for the big games, and a whole bunch of other great crap. However, it seems as though, at least in the preliminary stages, all signs are pointing out that this year will actually be THE YEAR OF THE MUMMY!
No, I didn't see it coming, but take a look at what's been in the news the last couple days.
Bog Mummy
House Mummy
Human Skin For Books
Frenchman keeps frozen parents
Jeesh, that's weird.
Anyways, I just read this fabulous post over at Fafblog, you should read the whole thing. It's staggeringly great.
I can see a lot of benefits to that kind of career move.
1) A cool Lair.
2) An array of spiffy vehicles.
3) Large cashflow.
4) Uber-hot lovers.
5) A mob of tough-guys to carry out my orders.
And that's just a few. Probly get good tables at all the best restaurants, skyboxes for the big games, and a whole bunch of other great crap. However, it seems as though, at least in the preliminary stages, all signs are pointing out that this year will actually be THE YEAR OF THE MUMMY!
No, I didn't see it coming, but take a look at what's been in the news the last couple days.
Bog Mummy
House Mummy
Human Skin For Books
Frenchman keeps frozen parents
Jeesh, that's weird.
Anyways, I just read this fabulous post over at Fafblog, you should read the whole thing. It's staggeringly great.
Monday, January 09, 2006
You're Fjucking Great!
I'm not talking about the average "joe" (or "jane") on the street telling you this. I'm not speaking of the President of your company speaking these words. I'm not even saying Martin Scorsese is out there shouting to a whole movie-crew and attending "journalists." I'm saying the entire universe, (somtin' like 15 light years in every direction - as far as we can tell) each atom vibrating at a sonic frequency that says - "We know, you're fjucking great!"
For the first day, you'd probably be in a shit-eating-grin shock. For the second day, you'd start believing it. About the fourth day, you'd do something about it. Meeting attractive people, advancing your career, accumulating wealth, promoting your "fjucking greatness." About a month down the road, you'd be in the spot where it would be hard to find something you couldn't accomplish.
But how long would it take, for you to get sick of hearing that?
For the first day, you'd probably be in a shit-eating-grin shock. For the second day, you'd start believing it. About the fourth day, you'd do something about it. Meeting attractive people, advancing your career, accumulating wealth, promoting your "fjucking greatness." About a month down the road, you'd be in the spot where it would be hard to find something you couldn't accomplish.
But how long would it take, for you to get sick of hearing that?
Sunday, January 08, 2006
Saturday, January 07, 2006
Interactive...?
Helloooooooo?
It's obvious that channel Fjord can continue to broadcast whatever the fjuck, into whatever the fjuck...but yer pals over at the W.C.B. need a little feedback every now and then. There's a small function under each post called "comments." Just click on that, and yer able to leave whatever kinda' thoughts, ideas, musings, fantasy, or even (*gasp*) critiques you've got. I write into a void nearly every day (I call it my screenwriting career, which incidentally hasn't quite taken off like I've wanted it to) and I don't need this kind of solitude out here in the small cell located somewhere near the skin of the right bicept of the LS-M.
So, hit me up with some Gjoddamn comments!
It's 06 - make a resolution to me more a part of Fjord!
(you're sexy enough, that's obvious...but are you confident enough?)
P.S. -Did any of you (I.C.O.D.F.) ever forward on your fjavorite Fjordposts to three of yer pals? Tell me about it!
It's obvious that channel Fjord can continue to broadcast whatever the fjuck, into whatever the fjuck...but yer pals over at the W.C.B. need a little feedback every now and then. There's a small function under each post called "comments." Just click on that, and yer able to leave whatever kinda' thoughts, ideas, musings, fantasy, or even (*gasp*) critiques you've got. I write into a void nearly every day (I call it my screenwriting career, which incidentally hasn't quite taken off like I've wanted it to) and I don't need this kind of solitude out here in the small cell located somewhere near the skin of the right bicept of the LS-M.
So, hit me up with some Gjoddamn comments!
It's 06 - make a resolution to me more a part of Fjord!
(you're sexy enough, that's obvious...but are you confident enough?)
P.S. -Did any of you (I.C.O.D.F.) ever forward on your fjavorite Fjordposts to three of yer pals? Tell me about it!
Friday, January 06, 2006
Snapback
"It's pretty hard to snap back into regular year mode." Said Friday, lounging on a giant inflatable frog, floating in a big pool. Next to him were the other weekdays, on various other inflatable rafts in various animal shapes. It was edging towards twilight, but it was still warm.
"Yep," said Tuesday, on a panda, "Hardest right after the end of the year."
"You think it's from all the feasting?" Asked Wednesday, on a giant hippo.
"I think it's Voodoo." Said Monday paddling on the back of an alligator.
"You think everything's voodoo, ever since you found that fingernail in your gumbo." Said Thursday, around the side of his floating plastic giraffe - it's neck protruding through his legs like an oversized phallus.
"That was no ordinary fingernail!" Monday replied sharply.
"Yeah," Wednesday chimed in, "Cause it was from the shell of a cray-fish."
"I think..." Friday spoke with some authority, to stop the squabbling. "It's because like anyone, the new year just has to take a little while to figure out his job. Like a barista at the coffee shop - things are complicated at first. Takes a while to figure out all those levers and knobs and switches. Not to mention the calculations!"
The weekdays pondered this for a moment. Then Monday said.
"It was a fingernail! From a witch-doctor, or maybe a sorceress!"
"Well, you didn't eat it, did you?" Said Tuesday.
"No. Thank Gjod..."
"Yeah, but..." Began Friday, but he was interrupted by a loud gong, that drew their eyes towards the end of the pool. A small band had set up, and they started to play a slow groovy number, in a Don Ho style. Then a very handsome fellow walked out while the band played. He wore a black and white patterned cotton Hawaiian shirt, khaki pants and brown lace-up shoes. In his hand was a small hard-case, and he walked to the front of the bandstand. He kneeled down and unclipped the case's latches. Then pulled out a kickass-looking ukulele. He stood up, and held the instrument to his left ear, and tuned it. Right there, in front of the playing band, and his audience. It was kinda badass. The weekdays paddled their inflatable animals closer. At the side of the pool, a crowd began to gather. In the background torches on bamboo poles were lit.
A tech ran across the stage with a chrome stand, and at the top was a microphone like Elvis used to sing into. The tech ran off, and the man spoke into it with a deep mellow voice.
"Before I begin." He paused for a few more groovy beats to pass, "I'd like to introduce..." He waved his arm to the right as he spoke, "The Malaria Maidens!"
And from that direction, five women emerged in grass-skirts and grass bikinis, with orchids in their hair. They moved their hips and arms like waves, as they took their place in front of the ukulele man. Each was more beautiful than the next - no matter which way you looked. Their dancing accented the groovy beats and the audience - without knowing it - began to sway themselves.
"They'll make you sweat, and they'll give you chills!" The ukulele man finished. Then he began to play. It was nearly imperceptible at first, he just fit into the sound so perfectly. Then his instrument began to rise above it, slowly, smoothly, and strong. It was clear, that the guy could play the hell out of the uke. Before long, everyone was carried away by the sound he was creating, far above the band. It was, as if the band was a wave, and the ukulele man was an amazing surfer riding upon it. The Malaria Maidens only added to the effect.
It was then that Monday's inflatable alligator was sucked into the intake vent of the pool.
"Aaaaaah!" He screamed.
The other weekdays, paddled like mad to aid Monday, who was now loosing his arm into the vent with a powerful suction. Wednesday spilled off his hippo, and got underneath Monday, before his head slipped under the water.
"Aaaaaa!" Shouted Monday one more time before he got a mouthful of pool-water. "Glub."
Thursday, and Tuesday tried pulling on Monday's arm, but it was caught fast in the intake system. The hunchback Wednesday came up for a breath of air.
"Keep him up!" Shouted Thursday - still on his giraffe, "Or he'll drown!"
Wednesday ducked back under and pushed Monday's head back above the water. Monday took a coughing breath.
Friday cast a quick glance at the band, which was still playing like mad, and the crowd didn't have any idea there was a problem. They were entranced. He shouted for help - but no one even noticed. They were busy following the ukulele man and the band, or the Malaria Maidens. Then he saw, on the right hand of the ukulele man, his index finger was wrapped with medical tape - exactly the place where a fingernail might have once been!
Friday's eyes got big, and he paddled like mad to the edge of the pool. There, a faux-coconut held the remnants of a Mai-Tai. He picked it up and threw it at the ukulele man. It arched through the now dark night, spilling beads of liquid as it spun through the sky. Then it plunged down and struck the uke, and the player's bandaged finger. The man dropped the instrument, that struck the stage with a off-tune ringing "clunk." He looked venom out into the crowd. And with that the spell was broken.
For a moment, people could see the ukulele man was not well attired in island garb, but a full-on voodoo witch doctor - and the Malaria Maidens were nothing more than worm-eaten zombie corpses! (The band too, but nobody really cared about them.)
The witch-doctor snarled once, and sprinted off stage left. Then the crowd sprung into action, some rushing to help the stricken weekday , others calling for someone to turn off the pool filtration, others grabbing tiki-torches to advance (quite warily) on the Malaria Maidens and the band.
After another moment of struggling, Thursday and Tuesday and three men from the crowd pulled Monday from the pool, and threw him up onto the side. Where he lay coughing up water. Wednesday pulled himself out shortly after and joined him laying on the concrete, trying to catch his breath.
"What the fuck!!?" Asked Tuesday to nobody and everybody at the same time.
Friday spoke in sort of an answer, "Well damn! I guess you were right about that voodoo thing. I suppose it's gonna' be a another weird year."
Monday nodded as he coughed up another stream of water.
Happy Friday
"Yep," said Tuesday, on a panda, "Hardest right after the end of the year."
"You think it's from all the feasting?" Asked Wednesday, on a giant hippo.
"I think it's Voodoo." Said Monday paddling on the back of an alligator.
"You think everything's voodoo, ever since you found that fingernail in your gumbo." Said Thursday, around the side of his floating plastic giraffe - it's neck protruding through his legs like an oversized phallus.
"That was no ordinary fingernail!" Monday replied sharply.
"Yeah," Wednesday chimed in, "Cause it was from the shell of a cray-fish."
"I think..." Friday spoke with some authority, to stop the squabbling. "It's because like anyone, the new year just has to take a little while to figure out his job. Like a barista at the coffee shop - things are complicated at first. Takes a while to figure out all those levers and knobs and switches. Not to mention the calculations!"
The weekdays pondered this for a moment. Then Monday said.
"It was a fingernail! From a witch-doctor, or maybe a sorceress!"
"Well, you didn't eat it, did you?" Said Tuesday.
"No. Thank Gjod..."
"Yeah, but..." Began Friday, but he was interrupted by a loud gong, that drew their eyes towards the end of the pool. A small band had set up, and they started to play a slow groovy number, in a Don Ho style. Then a very handsome fellow walked out while the band played. He wore a black and white patterned cotton Hawaiian shirt, khaki pants and brown lace-up shoes. In his hand was a small hard-case, and he walked to the front of the bandstand. He kneeled down and unclipped the case's latches. Then pulled out a kickass-looking ukulele. He stood up, and held the instrument to his left ear, and tuned it. Right there, in front of the playing band, and his audience. It was kinda badass. The weekdays paddled their inflatable animals closer. At the side of the pool, a crowd began to gather. In the background torches on bamboo poles were lit.
A tech ran across the stage with a chrome stand, and at the top was a microphone like Elvis used to sing into. The tech ran off, and the man spoke into it with a deep mellow voice.
"Before I begin." He paused for a few more groovy beats to pass, "I'd like to introduce..." He waved his arm to the right as he spoke, "The Malaria Maidens!"
And from that direction, five women emerged in grass-skirts and grass bikinis, with orchids in their hair. They moved their hips and arms like waves, as they took their place in front of the ukulele man. Each was more beautiful than the next - no matter which way you looked. Their dancing accented the groovy beats and the audience - without knowing it - began to sway themselves.
"They'll make you sweat, and they'll give you chills!" The ukulele man finished. Then he began to play. It was nearly imperceptible at first, he just fit into the sound so perfectly. Then his instrument began to rise above it, slowly, smoothly, and strong. It was clear, that the guy could play the hell out of the uke. Before long, everyone was carried away by the sound he was creating, far above the band. It was, as if the band was a wave, and the ukulele man was an amazing surfer riding upon it. The Malaria Maidens only added to the effect.
It was then that Monday's inflatable alligator was sucked into the intake vent of the pool.
"Aaaaaah!" He screamed.
The other weekdays, paddled like mad to aid Monday, who was now loosing his arm into the vent with a powerful suction. Wednesday spilled off his hippo, and got underneath Monday, before his head slipped under the water.
"Aaaaaa!" Shouted Monday one more time before he got a mouthful of pool-water. "Glub."
Thursday, and Tuesday tried pulling on Monday's arm, but it was caught fast in the intake system. The hunchback Wednesday came up for a breath of air.
"Keep him up!" Shouted Thursday - still on his giraffe, "Or he'll drown!"
Wednesday ducked back under and pushed Monday's head back above the water. Monday took a coughing breath.
Friday cast a quick glance at the band, which was still playing like mad, and the crowd didn't have any idea there was a problem. They were entranced. He shouted for help - but no one even noticed. They were busy following the ukulele man and the band, or the Malaria Maidens. Then he saw, on the right hand of the ukulele man, his index finger was wrapped with medical tape - exactly the place where a fingernail might have once been!
Friday's eyes got big, and he paddled like mad to the edge of the pool. There, a faux-coconut held the remnants of a Mai-Tai. He picked it up and threw it at the ukulele man. It arched through the now dark night, spilling beads of liquid as it spun through the sky. Then it plunged down and struck the uke, and the player's bandaged finger. The man dropped the instrument, that struck the stage with a off-tune ringing "clunk." He looked venom out into the crowd. And with that the spell was broken.
For a moment, people could see the ukulele man was not well attired in island garb, but a full-on voodoo witch doctor - and the Malaria Maidens were nothing more than worm-eaten zombie corpses! (The band too, but nobody really cared about them.)
The witch-doctor snarled once, and sprinted off stage left. Then the crowd sprung into action, some rushing to help the stricken weekday , others calling for someone to turn off the pool filtration, others grabbing tiki-torches to advance (quite warily) on the Malaria Maidens and the band.
After another moment of struggling, Thursday and Tuesday and three men from the crowd pulled Monday from the pool, and threw him up onto the side. Where he lay coughing up water. Wednesday pulled himself out shortly after and joined him laying on the concrete, trying to catch his breath.
"What the fuck!!?" Asked Tuesday to nobody and everybody at the same time.
Friday spoke in sort of an answer, "Well damn! I guess you were right about that voodoo thing. I suppose it's gonna' be a another weird year."
Monday nodded as he coughed up another stream of water.
Happy Friday
la la la-la-la la
I am the passenger
And I ride and I ride
I ride through the city’s backside
I see the stars come out of the sky
Yeah, they’re bright in a hollow sky
You know it looks so good tonight
I am the passenger
I stay under glass
I look through my window so bright
I see the stars come out tonight
I see the bright and hollow sky
Over the city’s a rip in the sky
And everything looks good tonight
Singin’ la la la la la-la-la la
La la la la la-la-la la
La la la la la-la-la la la-la
Get into the car
We’ll be the passenger
We’ll ride through the city tonight
See the city’s ripped insides
We’ll see the bright and hollow sky
We’ll see the stars that shine so bright
The sky was made for us tonight
Oh the passenger
How how he rides
Oh the passenger
He rides and he rides
He looks through his window
What does he see?
He sees the bright and hollow sky
He see the stars come out tonight
He sees the city’s ripped backsides
He sees the winding ocean drive
And everything was made for you and me
All of it was made for you and me
’cause it just belongs to you and me
So let’s take a ride and see what’s mine
Singing...la la la la la-la-la la
La la la la la-la-la la
La la la la la-la-la la la-la
Oh, the passenger
He rides and he rides
He sees things from under glass
He looks through his window’s eye
He sees the things he knows are his
He sees the bright and hollow sky
He sees the city asleep at night
He sees the stars are out tonight
And all of it is yours and mine
And all of it is yours and mine
Oh, let’s ride and ride and ride and ride...
Singing...la la la la la-la-la la
La la la la la-la-la la
La la la la la-la-la la la-la
Indulgent, I know. But I thought that needed to be out there in Fjordland.
And I ride and I ride
I ride through the city’s backside
I see the stars come out of the sky
Yeah, they’re bright in a hollow sky
You know it looks so good tonight
I am the passenger
I stay under glass
I look through my window so bright
I see the stars come out tonight
I see the bright and hollow sky
Over the city’s a rip in the sky
And everything looks good tonight
Singin’ la la la la la-la-la la
La la la la la-la-la la
La la la la la-la-la la la-la
Get into the car
We’ll be the passenger
We’ll ride through the city tonight
See the city’s ripped insides
We’ll see the bright and hollow sky
We’ll see the stars that shine so bright
The sky was made for us tonight
Oh the passenger
How how he rides
Oh the passenger
He rides and he rides
He looks through his window
What does he see?
He sees the bright and hollow sky
He see the stars come out tonight
He sees the city’s ripped backsides
He sees the winding ocean drive
And everything was made for you and me
All of it was made for you and me
’cause it just belongs to you and me
So let’s take a ride and see what’s mine
Singing...la la la la la-la-la la
La la la la la-la-la la
La la la la la-la-la la la-la
Oh, the passenger
He rides and he rides
He sees things from under glass
He looks through his window’s eye
He sees the things he knows are his
He sees the bright and hollow sky
He sees the city asleep at night
He sees the stars are out tonight
And all of it is yours and mine
And all of it is yours and mine
Oh, let’s ride and ride and ride and ride...
Singing...la la la la la-la-la la
La la la la la-la-la la
La la la la la-la-la la la-la
Indulgent, I know. But I thought that needed to be out there in Fjordland.
Thursday, January 05, 2006
It's January 5th
And it's 81 degreezzze in the Casa Aloha kitchen and I'm sitting in a pool of sun. Things seem okay.
Now then, for the last couple of days I've been trying to get my head around what 06 is going to be all about. I've written down a few ideas about what I've removed from the list of things 06 is going to be.
1) Lemmings. - I predict they will not make a comeback in 06-
2) Dirt. - People will often remark, "What happened to all the dirt?" The reply will be "That's so '05, man."
3) Houseplants. -Home and Garden stores will have a very bad fiscal year.
4) Popes. -Try as he might, Ratzinger will only be relevant if he breaks his pelvis. (or worse)
5) Pennies. -Continuing their trend, pennies will continue to be taken out of circulation, tossed on the ground, and perceived as being "worthless."
6) Stamps. -One more gov'ment sponsored program that '06 won't be about. Despite the fact that I predict the 37 cent stamp is soon to be obsolete, and this will probably be "news."
7) Pigeons. -Sure they've had a pretty good run up till now, but this year, there's gonna be hell to pay...a holocaust of pigeon-ous proportions.
8) Sponges. -That's right, I'm there will be a new miracle product that will knock sponges off the "top ranked re-usable scrubbing and wiping product" forever. People in ten years will not even know how to pronounce the word, "sponge."
9) American Idol. -Gjod, I only hope so.
10) Sharks. -Sharks had a pretty good run last year, before all the hurricane news and whatnot, but I'm pretty sure they can't sustain that kind of media push this year. I predict Giant Squid are going to take their place. And, if you know me at all, you know that I can't wait.
Now then, for the last couple of days I've been trying to get my head around what 06 is going to be all about. I've written down a few ideas about what I've removed from the list of things 06 is going to be.
1) Lemmings. - I predict they will not make a comeback in 06-
2) Dirt. - People will often remark, "What happened to all the dirt?" The reply will be "That's so '05, man."
3) Houseplants. -Home and Garden stores will have a very bad fiscal year.
4) Popes. -Try as he might, Ratzinger will only be relevant if he breaks his pelvis. (or worse)
5) Pennies. -Continuing their trend, pennies will continue to be taken out of circulation, tossed on the ground, and perceived as being "worthless."
6) Stamps. -One more gov'ment sponsored program that '06 won't be about. Despite the fact that I predict the 37 cent stamp is soon to be obsolete, and this will probably be "news."
7) Pigeons. -Sure they've had a pretty good run up till now, but this year, there's gonna be hell to pay...a holocaust of pigeon-ous proportions.
8) Sponges. -That's right, I'm there will be a new miracle product that will knock sponges off the "top ranked re-usable scrubbing and wiping product" forever. People in ten years will not even know how to pronounce the word, "sponge."
9) American Idol. -Gjod, I only hope so.
10) Sharks. -Sharks had a pretty good run last year, before all the hurricane news and whatnot, but I'm pretty sure they can't sustain that kind of media push this year. I predict Giant Squid are going to take their place. And, if you know me at all, you know that I can't wait.
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
Hey...how's things over on this side?
I'm not on vacation, or too busy to do stuff...or having one of those - fuck you it's 2006 and you guys can all go to hell moments. I just got struck with a nasty cold, and don't wanna do anything but sit around and feel bad.
When I'm back in stride...you'll know it.
When I'm back in stride...you'll know it.
Sunday, January 01, 2006
FJ-ORD
Don't look back. You might become some cow's salt-lick.
It's 06 and soon to be the year of the dog. And guess what...I'm a dog.
My year, bitches.
I woke up in a strange house this morning, on a couch. The last thing I remember from the night before, was a fine looking woman taking off my shoes. At the time I thought she was being awfully sweet, but in hindsight, I'm sure she was just pissed at some drunk putting his shoes on her couch. Either way, I woke up, with a blanket on me, and needed to piss. I hit the can, and found Fjord-Borg lurking about the kitchen. It was too early for any reasonable person to be up. We called for a cab. Before it came, I found a paper plate and pulled a handy pen from my jacket. Then I printed some words on the plate in fairly neat writing. It said,
"Thanks for a wonderful time,
and the quilt.
Happy New Year
Your Guest."
Or something close to that.
The cab came, and it started raining.
Then I watched football all day.
And just a touch of D.I. Creegan
If you haven't seen Touching Evil...do yerself a favor
and watch some.
It's 06 and soon to be the year of the dog. And guess what...I'm a dog.
My year, bitches.
I woke up in a strange house this morning, on a couch. The last thing I remember from the night before, was a fine looking woman taking off my shoes. At the time I thought she was being awfully sweet, but in hindsight, I'm sure she was just pissed at some drunk putting his shoes on her couch. Either way, I woke up, with a blanket on me, and needed to piss. I hit the can, and found Fjord-Borg lurking about the kitchen. It was too early for any reasonable person to be up. We called for a cab. Before it came, I found a paper plate and pulled a handy pen from my jacket. Then I printed some words on the plate in fairly neat writing. It said,
"Thanks for a wonderful time,
and the quilt.
Happy New Year
Your Guest."
Or something close to that.
The cab came, and it started raining.
Then I watched football all day.
And just a touch of D.I. Creegan
If you haven't seen Touching Evil...do yerself a favor
and watch some.
Saturday, December 31, 2005
Friday, December 30, 2005
ONE!
Friday stood over the bomb. It was about five feet long and three across. A mess of wires and conduit ran about the thing, and set at the very top was a digital clock. The numbers raced downwards at a speed which was definitely faster than your average time.
"Clever." Said Tuesday.
"What?" Asked Thursday.
"Using an alternate time signature on the timing detonator. It seems to be moving downwards at 8.7639 seconds per standard second."
"What does that mean?" Asked Wednesday.
"We don't have much time!" Exploded Monday. "Jeezus, Friday, would you get cracking!?" Monday paced across the front of the bomb.
"Don't do that." Said Friday, "You're making me nervous."
"Good!" Shouted Monday, "Because I'm nervous. Maybe it'd help move this thing along if some other people got nervous too."
"He's right." Said Wednesday, "We're taking too long."
Friday took hold of a few wires, and looked at where they went. Some blue ones went off to the right, and some white ones went off to the left. Some green ones went down, and a few yellow ones went up. They were all braided with a bunch of black wires, and they all disappeared into the body of the bomb. He examined the blue ones first. Then after a minute of careful observation, he moved to the yellow ones. After another long moment (with the timer moving past the 42 hour mark, and rapidly plunging towards 41) Friday moved aside a small plastic block, and found a second clock.
"insidious." He said.
All four weekdays asked in unison, "What?!"
"There's a second timer on the bomb. This one's just a clock...and it's set for Eastern Standard Time!"
Tuesday stood up from staring down at the bomb, and began a long series of,
"Holy fuck, holy fuck, holy fuck, holy fuck..."
Monday whacked him on the shoulder.
"Stop that!"
"Holy fuck holy fuck holy fuck holy fuck...I can't take it anymore!" He screamed the last bit, and ran off at top speed.
"I guess we all kinda' figured that was going to happen." Said Wednesday. "Just a matter of when." The other weekdays nodded their heads in agreement. Friday looked back down, at the bomb, and continued his examination of the wires that led from the second clock. The same series of blue, white, green and yellow. Some joined their counterparts, others ran into random holes drilled into the bomb-case. Friday looked underneath the device, and saw nearly the mirror image of the top. He stood up, put his hand on the top of it, and leaned on it.
"Whaddaya think? Can you defuse it?" Asked Thursday.
"Well, I don't know," Said Friday, "It's complicated."
"We kind of figured that one out ourselves." Said Wednesday.
"It might help if I could get a look inside." Continued Friday, "Does anyone have a fiber-optic scope?"
"Hold on a sec!" Exclaimed Monday, who ran off.
The three remaining weekdays stood looking at each other oddly...for a moment, when a small bell chimed.
There was a second bell that chimed. A nice chime, like a "G" note on a vibraphone. A second later there was another, then a small squeak. Then a man with dark hair, dressed in a tuxedo walked up, pushing a small fine cart. Upon the top of it was a mirror. On top of the mirror were placed a number of bottles, and a large glass pitcher. As he walked, he struck a triangle, that was suspended from the push-handle of the cart.
"Martini! Martini for sale!" He called out in a rich baritone.
"Kickass!" Exclaimed Thursday. "Martini Cart!"
The three ran over and each ordered themselves one. The tuxedoed man opened a small cupboard in the side, and produced three stemmed glasses. Then pulled out an ice-bucket, and filled the pitcher with it's contents. Then with deft hands he poured the perfect amount of gin and vermouth. He stirred the pitcher, and poured three glasses. The three weekdays drank their drinks quickly, and ordered more. The man went through the routine again.
They were well into their fifth drink - happily chatting and exchanging banter with the martini-cart man, when Monday returned. He had a huge contraption over his shoulder, and pulled an air compressor on two wheels.
"Got it!" Monday cried. "Let's get cracking!"
"Got what?" Said Thursday.
"Jaws of life!" Monday exclaimed. Then he kicked on the compressor, filling the air with a whooshing series of thumps. Then he took the jaws, found a welded seam, and began to crack the bomb apart. Rending sounds of metal and machine filled the air. The others walked up with slight Dean Martin sways, and watched the action.
The jaws of life dug in, and split the case in two halves. Monday pulled back, and smiled. The smile fell from his face, when he saw the others with drinks.
"Hey! Where'd ya get the booze!!?"
The three pointed with their glasses at the martini-cart. Monday dropped the jaws of life, and went to get himself something. The other three looked at the bomb.
"I suppose we should take a look." Said Wednesday, putting down his glass, and grabbing the top. He pulled back carefully, and Thursday and Friday looked in. Inside a number of processors, hard-drives and l-e-d lights flashed. Wires were everywhere, and a number of dangerous warhead-shaped items sat within.
"Dang." Said Thursday, completely baffled by the complexity.
"Yeah." Said Friday, looking around. Inside there weren't just yellow and blue and green and white and black wires, but pink and silver and copper and navy and burnt sienna and mauve and maroon and cream. Making it even harder was the fact that some were spliced together with tiny chrome caps, making it nearly impossible to determine where one wire went, and where three more started.
Friday stuck his head in, and began to look more closely at the electronics. He peered intently for more than five minutes. He only paused to take a sip of his martini. When the glass was completely empty, he stood up. Monday was back, and just in time to watch (with the other two weekdays) Friday move back to the martini cart, and fill up again. He walked back, and looked at the others.
"I don't think we should defuse it." He said quickly.
"But..." Started Monday.
"We're the only ones who..." Interrupted Wednesday.
"Why?" Finished Thursday with a question.
Friday took a drink, and pointed in with his hand, pushing back a hard-drive, a plastic plate, and a mess of wires soldered to a circuit board.
"Here. Read that." And he stood back, waving over the martini-cart guy.
The other three looked in and saw what Friday had pointed out. Inside, stenciled on a chunk of casing were the words: "Party Bomb 2005".
"Fuck." Said Monday. "We can't stop that from going off. This thing's probably circa First of January!"
"Yeah, seems like we'd be doing a disservice to...well, everyone that made it through 2005." Thursday mumbled in awe.
"Besides," Began Wednesday, "It's probably too complex to stop, even if we tried."
"Right!" Said Friday. "And anyways, even if it's not a party bomb, I'm sure wherever we end up is going to be amazing! Let's get more martinis!"
They all rushed the martini-cart guy, who, like a good butler, put up with it.
Happy Friday.
"Clever." Said Tuesday.
"What?" Asked Thursday.
"Using an alternate time signature on the timing detonator. It seems to be moving downwards at 8.7639 seconds per standard second."
"What does that mean?" Asked Wednesday.
"We don't have much time!" Exploded Monday. "Jeezus, Friday, would you get cracking!?" Monday paced across the front of the bomb.
"Don't do that." Said Friday, "You're making me nervous."
"Good!" Shouted Monday, "Because I'm nervous. Maybe it'd help move this thing along if some other people got nervous too."
"He's right." Said Wednesday, "We're taking too long."
Friday took hold of a few wires, and looked at where they went. Some blue ones went off to the right, and some white ones went off to the left. Some green ones went down, and a few yellow ones went up. They were all braided with a bunch of black wires, and they all disappeared into the body of the bomb. He examined the blue ones first. Then after a minute of careful observation, he moved to the yellow ones. After another long moment (with the timer moving past the 42 hour mark, and rapidly plunging towards 41) Friday moved aside a small plastic block, and found a second clock.
"insidious." He said.
All four weekdays asked in unison, "What?!"
"There's a second timer on the bomb. This one's just a clock...and it's set for Eastern Standard Time!"
Tuesday stood up from staring down at the bomb, and began a long series of,
"Holy fuck, holy fuck, holy fuck, holy fuck..."
Monday whacked him on the shoulder.
"Stop that!"
"Holy fuck holy fuck holy fuck holy fuck...I can't take it anymore!" He screamed the last bit, and ran off at top speed.
"I guess we all kinda' figured that was going to happen." Said Wednesday. "Just a matter of when." The other weekdays nodded their heads in agreement. Friday looked back down, at the bomb, and continued his examination of the wires that led from the second clock. The same series of blue, white, green and yellow. Some joined their counterparts, others ran into random holes drilled into the bomb-case. Friday looked underneath the device, and saw nearly the mirror image of the top. He stood up, put his hand on the top of it, and leaned on it.
"Whaddaya think? Can you defuse it?" Asked Thursday.
"Well, I don't know," Said Friday, "It's complicated."
"We kind of figured that one out ourselves." Said Wednesday.
"It might help if I could get a look inside." Continued Friday, "Does anyone have a fiber-optic scope?"
"Hold on a sec!" Exclaimed Monday, who ran off.
The three remaining weekdays stood looking at each other oddly...for a moment, when a small bell chimed.
There was a second bell that chimed. A nice chime, like a "G" note on a vibraphone. A second later there was another, then a small squeak. Then a man with dark hair, dressed in a tuxedo walked up, pushing a small fine cart. Upon the top of it was a mirror. On top of the mirror were placed a number of bottles, and a large glass pitcher. As he walked, he struck a triangle, that was suspended from the push-handle of the cart.
"Martini! Martini for sale!" He called out in a rich baritone.
"Kickass!" Exclaimed Thursday. "Martini Cart!"
The three ran over and each ordered themselves one. The tuxedoed man opened a small cupboard in the side, and produced three stemmed glasses. Then pulled out an ice-bucket, and filled the pitcher with it's contents. Then with deft hands he poured the perfect amount of gin and vermouth. He stirred the pitcher, and poured three glasses. The three weekdays drank their drinks quickly, and ordered more. The man went through the routine again.
They were well into their fifth drink - happily chatting and exchanging banter with the martini-cart man, when Monday returned. He had a huge contraption over his shoulder, and pulled an air compressor on two wheels.
"Got it!" Monday cried. "Let's get cracking!"
"Got what?" Said Thursday.
"Jaws of life!" Monday exclaimed. Then he kicked on the compressor, filling the air with a whooshing series of thumps. Then he took the jaws, found a welded seam, and began to crack the bomb apart. Rending sounds of metal and machine filled the air. The others walked up with slight Dean Martin sways, and watched the action.
The jaws of life dug in, and split the case in two halves. Monday pulled back, and smiled. The smile fell from his face, when he saw the others with drinks.
"Hey! Where'd ya get the booze!!?"
The three pointed with their glasses at the martini-cart. Monday dropped the jaws of life, and went to get himself something. The other three looked at the bomb.
"I suppose we should take a look." Said Wednesday, putting down his glass, and grabbing the top. He pulled back carefully, and Thursday and Friday looked in. Inside a number of processors, hard-drives and l-e-d lights flashed. Wires were everywhere, and a number of dangerous warhead-shaped items sat within.
"Dang." Said Thursday, completely baffled by the complexity.
"Yeah." Said Friday, looking around. Inside there weren't just yellow and blue and green and white and black wires, but pink and silver and copper and navy and burnt sienna and mauve and maroon and cream. Making it even harder was the fact that some were spliced together with tiny chrome caps, making it nearly impossible to determine where one wire went, and where three more started.
Friday stuck his head in, and began to look more closely at the electronics. He peered intently for more than five minutes. He only paused to take a sip of his martini. When the glass was completely empty, he stood up. Monday was back, and just in time to watch (with the other two weekdays) Friday move back to the martini cart, and fill up again. He walked back, and looked at the others.
"I don't think we should defuse it." He said quickly.
"But..." Started Monday.
"We're the only ones who..." Interrupted Wednesday.
"Why?" Finished Thursday with a question.
Friday took a drink, and pointed in with his hand, pushing back a hard-drive, a plastic plate, and a mess of wires soldered to a circuit board.
"Here. Read that." And he stood back, waving over the martini-cart guy.
The other three looked in and saw what Friday had pointed out. Inside, stenciled on a chunk of casing were the words: "Party Bomb 2005".
"Fuck." Said Monday. "We can't stop that from going off. This thing's probably circa First of January!"
"Yeah, seems like we'd be doing a disservice to...well, everyone that made it through 2005." Thursday mumbled in awe.
"Besides," Began Wednesday, "It's probably too complex to stop, even if we tried."
"Right!" Said Friday. "And anyways, even if it's not a party bomb, I'm sure wherever we end up is going to be amazing! Let's get more martinis!"
They all rushed the martini-cart guy, who, like a good butler, put up with it.
Happy Friday.
Thursday, December 29, 2005
TWO!
I guess there is someone out there who is in control of this countdown thing, and THEY'RE ADJUSTING WHEN WE'RE GOING TO SWITCH!
I'm not an expert, but this just seems odd to me.
Anyhoo...
I was blessed by a recurring dream for the past few weeks, that finally made sense to me. I'm not going to go into details...cause I find that dream explanations are stupid, and have no narrative thread...which is generally true, and makes for stupid conversation. (not to mention reading)
With that in mind, I'm going to say,
It's nice to know I have a dream girl.
It also nice to know that she's a total bitch.
Just what I'd expect.
I'm not an expert, but this just seems odd to me.
Anyhoo...
I was blessed by a recurring dream for the past few weeks, that finally made sense to me. I'm not going to go into details...cause I find that dream explanations are stupid, and have no narrative thread...which is generally true, and makes for stupid conversation. (not to mention reading)
With that in mind, I'm going to say,
It's nice to know I have a dream girl.
It also nice to know that she's a total bitch.
Just what I'd expect.
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
Three!
Since nobody's ever really determined who controls the countdown...I guess I'll start.
Three more days left!!!
And with three days left, how about some excitement?!?
And what's more exciting than a knife fight?
Well...
Okay then.
I wrote this last night.
He was quiet, and rocked back and forth on the balls of his feet. He was at the edge of the roof with a switchblade knife held loosely in his left hand. We were pretty high up - twenty stories or so, high enough that the fall could kill you just as sure as a knife, but neither of us wanted to fall. I pulled out my little dagger too. It was a sheath knife I'd inherited (or stole, it's hard to remember, it was a long time ago) from my father. There was some whaling themed scrimshaw on the ivory handle, and it had a thick solid blade about five inches long. I moved closer.
He pivoted and kept the edge of the building off to his right side. I'd never had to knife-fight a lefty before, so I told myself to be careful. Before I could finish the thought, he leapt and struck quick, his switchblade straight out. I knocked it to the side with mine with a little ring, but it's edge caught my arm, and made a little slice about four inches on the side of my forearm. It was, however, better than the gut he was aiming for. He didn't back after the leap, but struck again from up close. I caught the strike square on my knife. Sparks rang off, and I lashed out fast. He jumped back, and I moved forward, making a stab towards his hand. I caught a finger or two on the top of his hand, but he made a nifty nimble up-cut, and sliced me across the top of mine. In a couple of minutes, the blood was going to make the ivory handle hard to hold.
I made a quick move with my left, and caught him square on the jaw with a fist. He staggered back, making a sweep with his knife at my offending arm. He was good - this guy - and he would have made a nice gash along my wrist, but I had on a watch. His knife sliced through the band, and my near 300 buck Swiss Army Watch dropped to the roof. I hit him again with the fist, and it sent him back a step. As he stumbled, I struck. My blade caught the top of his right hand - went through it, and pinned his palm against his stomach. I pulled it out in time to fend off the strike coming from the other side. His switchblade rang off the hilt of my knife. He struck again in a little neat circle. It got past my guard, and ran into my shoulder, hitting bone.
It hurt. But in a spot like that, adrenaline is flowing pretty hard, and besides, you stop for too long thinking about how much you're hurt, you get hurt a lot worse. As it was, I took a step back, and ran my weapon up to knock his away. It was good that I did, since he'd already pulled it out of my shoulder, and was making a slash at my throat. I blocked it, and had him way over-extended. I ran my arm up, and pushed his knife-arm to his left, then ran my blade straight at his chest. He pulled up his right arm to block it, but my steel went through the soft part of his forearm, I pulled it back with a vicious rip. I felt the handle grate as the knife ran across bone.
He was in no position to do anything but give ground, so he did. I pressed in, but he got his knife back in front. I kept moving forward, and he went back, trying to get into a good stance. But he hit the edge of the roof with a calf. He staggered, and I jumped at him. He couldn't do two things at once, and tried to fend off my knife with his. It worked, and the blood oozing around my hand for the last minute or so, made the handle slippery enough, so my knife left me. But he was wobbly, and I was moving forward. I didn't stop, and gave him a head-butt into his face. He tried grabbing me with his off arm, but it was weak from two of my stabs. As he started to go over, he made one last lash with the knife. It missed my nose by a few inches. I gave him a kick, and he went over.
I'll give him this though, he didn't make a sound going down. He took it pretty good. I lost him in the dark after a few stories, but I heard the thunk when he hit. It wasn't loud from where I was, like, the sound of a neighbor across the street dropping a trash-sack on the curb. Which, I guess, was sort of like what he was. I wiped my hand on my shirt, and picked up my knife, and got my watch. The watch had sentimental value.
Three more days left!!!
And with three days left, how about some excitement?!?
And what's more exciting than a knife fight?
Well...
Okay then.
I wrote this last night.
He was quiet, and rocked back and forth on the balls of his feet. He was at the edge of the roof with a switchblade knife held loosely in his left hand. We were pretty high up - twenty stories or so, high enough that the fall could kill you just as sure as a knife, but neither of us wanted to fall. I pulled out my little dagger too. It was a sheath knife I'd inherited (or stole, it's hard to remember, it was a long time ago) from my father. There was some whaling themed scrimshaw on the ivory handle, and it had a thick solid blade about five inches long. I moved closer.
He pivoted and kept the edge of the building off to his right side. I'd never had to knife-fight a lefty before, so I told myself to be careful. Before I could finish the thought, he leapt and struck quick, his switchblade straight out. I knocked it to the side with mine with a little ring, but it's edge caught my arm, and made a little slice about four inches on the side of my forearm. It was, however, better than the gut he was aiming for. He didn't back after the leap, but struck again from up close. I caught the strike square on my knife. Sparks rang off, and I lashed out fast. He jumped back, and I moved forward, making a stab towards his hand. I caught a finger or two on the top of his hand, but he made a nifty nimble up-cut, and sliced me across the top of mine. In a couple of minutes, the blood was going to make the ivory handle hard to hold.
I made a quick move with my left, and caught him square on the jaw with a fist. He staggered back, making a sweep with his knife at my offending arm. He was good - this guy - and he would have made a nice gash along my wrist, but I had on a watch. His knife sliced through the band, and my near 300 buck Swiss Army Watch dropped to the roof. I hit him again with the fist, and it sent him back a step. As he stumbled, I struck. My blade caught the top of his right hand - went through it, and pinned his palm against his stomach. I pulled it out in time to fend off the strike coming from the other side. His switchblade rang off the hilt of my knife. He struck again in a little neat circle. It got past my guard, and ran into my shoulder, hitting bone.
It hurt. But in a spot like that, adrenaline is flowing pretty hard, and besides, you stop for too long thinking about how much you're hurt, you get hurt a lot worse. As it was, I took a step back, and ran my weapon up to knock his away. It was good that I did, since he'd already pulled it out of my shoulder, and was making a slash at my throat. I blocked it, and had him way over-extended. I ran my arm up, and pushed his knife-arm to his left, then ran my blade straight at his chest. He pulled up his right arm to block it, but my steel went through the soft part of his forearm, I pulled it back with a vicious rip. I felt the handle grate as the knife ran across bone.
He was in no position to do anything but give ground, so he did. I pressed in, but he got his knife back in front. I kept moving forward, and he went back, trying to get into a good stance. But he hit the edge of the roof with a calf. He staggered, and I jumped at him. He couldn't do two things at once, and tried to fend off my knife with his. It worked, and the blood oozing around my hand for the last minute or so, made the handle slippery enough, so my knife left me. But he was wobbly, and I was moving forward. I didn't stop, and gave him a head-butt into his face. He tried grabbing me with his off arm, but it was weak from two of my stabs. As he started to go over, he made one last lash with the knife. It missed my nose by a few inches. I gave him a kick, and he went over.
I'll give him this though, he didn't make a sound going down. He took it pretty good. I lost him in the dark after a few stories, but I heard the thunk when he hit. It wasn't loud from where I was, like, the sound of a neighbor across the street dropping a trash-sack on the curb. Which, I guess, was sort of like what he was. I wiped my hand on my shirt, and picked up my knife, and got my watch. The watch had sentimental value.
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
Home again, home again, rig-a-jig-jig
By all accounts, it's Tuesday...
Four more days till we bury this weird-assed year.
Anybody got any fiesta news for me?
Four more days till we bury this weird-assed year.
Anybody got any fiesta news for me?
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
Well my pretties...
Things are about to go into full-bore X-Y-&-Z-Mass Nutzville...and there's not gonna be much over here until at least a coupla' days past that.
Lemme' just say I hope you're all going to see some good friends, and at least some of the Family you like. And if not, at least I hope you eat for free. Anyways, after this it's just a happy-funland-waterslide smack into the Gjoddamn New One...and we'll start up where we left off - given' dem da business!
Cheers!
-Tsunami-
P.S. - Maybe if ya got it in your heart, send some well-wishes to our pals in NYC. I've lived thru my share of transit strikes, and they ain't fun fer nobody.
Lemme' just say I hope you're all going to see some good friends, and at least some of the Family you like. And if not, at least I hope you eat for free. Anyways, after this it's just a happy-funland-waterslide smack into the Gjoddamn New One...and we'll start up where we left off - given' dem da business!
Cheers!
-Tsunami-
P.S. - Maybe if ya got it in your heart, send some well-wishes to our pals in NYC. I've lived thru my share of transit strikes, and they ain't fun fer nobody.
Friday, December 16, 2005
Friday Stood Upon a Hill of Red Fingernails
Long ones, like the kind you'd see in on the hands of...hand models. The hill rested upon a plain, made of black obsidian, that reached out far into the twilight. From the top of the hill, one could see two silver rails that ran straight across it. He reached into his jacket, and pulled out a pair of hi-powered binoculars. He watched the magnified image of a huge steam engine pulling a line of cars. The rails, appeared to be razor-thin, and where the engine sat, it crushed them down to puddles of molten silver. In front of the train, a small wave moved in the rails, about ten feet in front of the train's gravity...like a big ship cutting thru water.
"Well," Said Tuesday, "that confirms it, one comes every hour, on the hour."
"Unless they slow down the schedule after rush hour." Monday said flippantly, looking at the last rays of the setting sun. "Which, they might..."
"Nevertheless," Friday spoke, taking the glasses away from his eyes, "It seems to be a well used line. Let's get a move on."
He trudged down the hill, small red fingernails giving way in little avalanches. The other's followed after.
"Hey, where do you think these fingernails came from?" Asked Wednesday. After a long pause, Tuesday answered. "fingers."
It wasn't long before they were walking across the obsidian plain in the dark. The moon came up, and stars appeared. Each casting a reflection on the glassy-stone. Monday kicked a small pebble of the stuff, which skittered across it, making nearly the sound of a rock on ice. "So Friday, just let me get this straight. While we were busy working this week, you were seducing the Voodoo Queen, and then what exactly happened?
Friday sighed as he walked...he'd glossed over the story earlier, and didn't really want to explain it, but there was nothing else to do. "While she was getting her hair done, I went over to the hydroplane race. As I was watching those bad-boys on the water, I looked over the crowd, and spotted Mrs. Trixie."
"The wife of Coyote?"
"The very same."
"I had a thing for her once." Wednesday spoke into the night. Most of the other weekdays shuddered at any thought of the hunchback having any sort of sexual "thing" for anyone.
"Well," Me and Trixie go way back," Continued Friday, and somehow, we got to talking, and drinking, and what-have-you, and the next thing I know, the Voodoo Queen's right there, and thinking I'm doing something...improper. Of course, Mrs. Trixie plays the whole thing up, cause, she's Mrs. Trixie. So anyways, the Voodoo Queen gets all pissed, and she was mumbling some of her jumbo, and here we are."
"Fuck." Says Tuesday.
"Sometimes things don't really work out so good." Finishes Friday.
Up till now, Thursday's been pretty tight-lipped, but he breaks it, and says,
"What's that?"
The others look over into the night, and spot a bonfire, casting shadows around a number of thatched huts. Then the sound of a forlorn train whistle echoes across the obsidian plain.
"Eight o'clock" Wednesday reads from his digital watch, it's face illuminated with a small push-light. Then a HUGE blinding light blasts into their night-eyes. A massive sign lights up in neon. One letter after another. P-O-L-Y-N-E-S-I-A-N (then it goes dark, and more letters follow) P-A-R-A-D-I-S-E. Those letters go dark, and both light up together, POLYNESIAN PARADISE. Then suddenly, a huge tower behind the sign, and behind the thatched huts lights up.
"I believe I've read about this." Says Tuesday, "It was something about a native tribe called the Obsidian Polynesians...got a gaming license I heard.
"Whatever." Concluded Thursday.
"Yeah," Friday said, "Let's Go!"
They covered the distance in a small time, and walked past the thatched huts, which were actually well crafted parking structures. The bonfire was a huge affair, fed with some kind of gas jet, and about a city-block in size. It gave off a bit of heat. The five weekdays made it to the entrance, and the doors were pulled open by two handsome men in loincloths. Standing there was a proud looking fellow, about fifty, in a kickass head-dress, and somehow making it all work with a fine Italian suit.
"Friday, and his most esteemed colleagues, it is my pleasure to welcome you, the first guests to arrive, at the Polynesian Paradise. Try your luck at roulette, craps, blackjack, and the loosest slots on the Obsidian Plain!" He bowed, and waved his hand in gesture to a huge, and empty modern casino. Friday looked over to Thursday,
"Man, led me some money."
Thursday pulled out his wallet, and produced a thousand dollars.
"I know how you get when you're gambling Friday. Don't come back for more. Besides, we still gotta' get back."
"Back?" Asked Friday, "Back to where? This is where the party is. Where we're at!" He laughed, and ran like mad for the craps table.
Happy Friday
P.S. We're all lucky tonight.
"Well," Said Tuesday, "that confirms it, one comes every hour, on the hour."
"Unless they slow down the schedule after rush hour." Monday said flippantly, looking at the last rays of the setting sun. "Which, they might..."
"Nevertheless," Friday spoke, taking the glasses away from his eyes, "It seems to be a well used line. Let's get a move on."
He trudged down the hill, small red fingernails giving way in little avalanches. The other's followed after.
"Hey, where do you think these fingernails came from?" Asked Wednesday. After a long pause, Tuesday answered. "fingers."
It wasn't long before they were walking across the obsidian plain in the dark. The moon came up, and stars appeared. Each casting a reflection on the glassy-stone. Monday kicked a small pebble of the stuff, which skittered across it, making nearly the sound of a rock on ice. "So Friday, just let me get this straight. While we were busy working this week, you were seducing the Voodoo Queen, and then what exactly happened?
Friday sighed as he walked...he'd glossed over the story earlier, and didn't really want to explain it, but there was nothing else to do. "While she was getting her hair done, I went over to the hydroplane race. As I was watching those bad-boys on the water, I looked over the crowd, and spotted Mrs. Trixie."
"The wife of Coyote?"
"The very same."
"I had a thing for her once." Wednesday spoke into the night. Most of the other weekdays shuddered at any thought of the hunchback having any sort of sexual "thing" for anyone.
"Well," Me and Trixie go way back," Continued Friday, and somehow, we got to talking, and drinking, and what-have-you, and the next thing I know, the Voodoo Queen's right there, and thinking I'm doing something...improper. Of course, Mrs. Trixie plays the whole thing up, cause, she's Mrs. Trixie. So anyways, the Voodoo Queen gets all pissed, and she was mumbling some of her jumbo, and here we are."
"Fuck." Says Tuesday.
"Sometimes things don't really work out so good." Finishes Friday.
Up till now, Thursday's been pretty tight-lipped, but he breaks it, and says,
"What's that?"
The others look over into the night, and spot a bonfire, casting shadows around a number of thatched huts. Then the sound of a forlorn train whistle echoes across the obsidian plain.
"Eight o'clock" Wednesday reads from his digital watch, it's face illuminated with a small push-light. Then a HUGE blinding light blasts into their night-eyes. A massive sign lights up in neon. One letter after another. P-O-L-Y-N-E-S-I-A-N (then it goes dark, and more letters follow) P-A-R-A-D-I-S-E. Those letters go dark, and both light up together, POLYNESIAN PARADISE. Then suddenly, a huge tower behind the sign, and behind the thatched huts lights up.
"I believe I've read about this." Says Tuesday, "It was something about a native tribe called the Obsidian Polynesians...got a gaming license I heard.
"Whatever." Concluded Thursday.
"Yeah," Friday said, "Let's Go!"
They covered the distance in a small time, and walked past the thatched huts, which were actually well crafted parking structures. The bonfire was a huge affair, fed with some kind of gas jet, and about a city-block in size. It gave off a bit of heat. The five weekdays made it to the entrance, and the doors were pulled open by two handsome men in loincloths. Standing there was a proud looking fellow, about fifty, in a kickass head-dress, and somehow making it all work with a fine Italian suit.
"Friday, and his most esteemed colleagues, it is my pleasure to welcome you, the first guests to arrive, at the Polynesian Paradise. Try your luck at roulette, craps, blackjack, and the loosest slots on the Obsidian Plain!" He bowed, and waved his hand in gesture to a huge, and empty modern casino. Friday looked over to Thursday,
"Man, led me some money."
Thursday pulled out his wallet, and produced a thousand dollars.
"I know how you get when you're gambling Friday. Don't come back for more. Besides, we still gotta' get back."
"Back?" Asked Friday, "Back to where? This is where the party is. Where we're at!" He laughed, and ran like mad for the craps table.
Happy Friday
P.S. We're all lucky tonight.
Thursday, December 15, 2005
It's been awhile since I touched on
What it's all about.
The Fjords.
As much as I like to think of our little webzine as rich in text as the most majestic of all landmasses, sometimes there needs to be a little refresher course as to how badass fjords look.
Checkit! And here! Maybe this'll help? Howabout this...
Anyways, I'm not going to start a "fjord of the week" segment, but if I did, it might be worth looking at. However, I am suggesting that with X-mas close on our heels, and with some people a little confused what to get (the notoriously hard to shop-for) Uncle Billy this year. Well...howabout a nice senic fjord? Who wouldn't love to have one of those stuck under the X-mas tree? Nobody! Not one body wouldn't love to get a fjord for X-mas. Not. One!
Since a few of our readers might be in the income bracket, where they (sadly) can't afford a fjord, I'm going to give you guys the next best thing. If you want to print out a fjordpost and give it to one of your extra special loved-ones, I will not set our lawyers on you for copyright violation! Huzza! Huzza for X-mas! Huzza for Fjord!
In other news, there's these jellyfish
And our good pal Pop has outdone himself again with this badass concoction of Chinese forward-thinking. You should read the whole thing...it's scarily astounding, and I'm kinda' astounded that I didn't think of it myself. Then again, I've been busy.
-Tsunami-
The Fjords.
As much as I like to think of our little webzine as rich in text as the most majestic of all landmasses, sometimes there needs to be a little refresher course as to how badass fjords look.
Checkit! And here! Maybe this'll help? Howabout this...
Anyways, I'm not going to start a "fjord of the week" segment, but if I did, it might be worth looking at. However, I am suggesting that with X-mas close on our heels, and with some people a little confused what to get (the notoriously hard to shop-for) Uncle Billy this year. Well...howabout a nice senic fjord? Who wouldn't love to have one of those stuck under the X-mas tree? Nobody! Not one body wouldn't love to get a fjord for X-mas. Not. One!
Since a few of our readers might be in the income bracket, where they (sadly) can't afford a fjord, I'm going to give you guys the next best thing. If you want to print out a fjordpost and give it to one of your extra special loved-ones, I will not set our lawyers on you for copyright violation! Huzza! Huzza for X-mas! Huzza for Fjord!
In other news, there's these jellyfish
And our good pal Pop has outdone himself again with this badass concoction of Chinese forward-thinking. You should read the whole thing...it's scarily astounding, and I'm kinda' astounded that I didn't think of it myself. Then again, I've been busy.
-Tsunami-
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
Sweetness and Light...
HeLLO!
Can't quite find the Fjords tonight...
But if you're hungry, go read my Sunday Dec. 11th post...
it's worth reading all those words. (again)
-Tsunami-
Can't quite find the Fjords tonight...
But if you're hungry, go read my Sunday Dec. 11th post...
it's worth reading all those words. (again)
-Tsunami-
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
Tuesday seemed angry...
and however well sourced you think I am, I have no idea why. So, instead of wasting my time making pointless phone calls (since well before I get home every night, the real world has shut down and ain't answering) I'm just going to hit you with this link.
Some sweet lookin' art, if I do say so myself. Found, thanks once again to Cool Hunting - which made me regret not visiting for a while.
Some sweet lookin' art, if I do say so myself. Found, thanks once again to Cool Hunting - which made me regret not visiting for a while.
I got this idea in my head...
and I thought this was cool.
Fjord - ruling the Webmonster since January 2005...
so you don't have to.
Fjord - ruling the Webmonster since January 2005...
so you don't have to.
Monday, December 12, 2005
So I was wondering...
Are we the last generation that will ever know the feeling of freedom from the Webmonster?
With P.D.A's to access the beast, and PSP's and other wi-fi devices, becoming more and more common, it's not like anyone's even tethered to a DSL/cable line at the house. If you want to use your imagination on a word like "net," well, we're starting to live in one. I'd always been fascinated with the way radio and television signals could travel through matter, (walls, cars, space, bodies, ice-houses) then there were cell-phones, ATM machines (yeah, don't kid yourself, when the Telstar Satellite got blown up by a massive solar flare, it took down a huge network of ATM's - not to mention a large chunk of gas-pumps - which were busy transmitting something thru your clavicle...(and no, I'm not smart/informed enough to tell you what))
Anyways, I'm one of those gray-beards that recalls a time before personal computers , and now the power of the global database is accessible by hand-sized devices. It's like Dick Tracy's wrist-radio, only with an up-link to the entire database of knowledge humanity has been able to create. While I'm more than happy (hell-addicted is more like the word) to surrounding myself with every kind of media, I'm just wondering, is it a trap that'll be hard to get out of, once it's really everywhere? (and if it is, and you're not reading Fjord, I'm going to find out...)
Will we ever be able to get free of knowledge, information, news, entertainment, backstory? And if not, what is that really going to change?
With P.D.A's to access the beast, and PSP's and other wi-fi devices, becoming more and more common, it's not like anyone's even tethered to a DSL/cable line at the house. If you want to use your imagination on a word like "net," well, we're starting to live in one. I'd always been fascinated with the way radio and television signals could travel through matter, (walls, cars, space, bodies, ice-houses) then there were cell-phones, ATM machines (yeah, don't kid yourself, when the Telstar Satellite got blown up by a massive solar flare, it took down a huge network of ATM's - not to mention a large chunk of gas-pumps - which were busy transmitting something thru your clavicle...(and no, I'm not smart/informed enough to tell you what))
Anyways, I'm one of those gray-beards that recalls a time before personal computers , and now the power of the global database is accessible by hand-sized devices. It's like Dick Tracy's wrist-radio, only with an up-link to the entire database of knowledge humanity has been able to create. While I'm more than happy (hell-addicted is more like the word) to surrounding myself with every kind of media, I'm just wondering, is it a trap that'll be hard to get out of, once it's really everywhere? (and if it is, and you're not reading Fjord, I'm going to find out...)
Will we ever be able to get free of knowledge, information, news, entertainment, backstory? And if not, what is that really going to change?
Sunday, December 11, 2005
Private Binks had a problem
It wasn't something that was too bad. It was just that he couldn't pronounce the words "en" together without tripping up his lips and saying "nen." Now the only reason this was a problem was that Private Binks was attached to the First Infantry Division HQ Signal Corps, fighting the Nazi's. It was his job to relay the orders of General Thomas "Meatgrinder" Smith.
Now General Smith came from West Point, fought a little in the American Expeditionary Force in W-W-1, and considered himself a fairly martial kinda' guy. He loved the commands of battle, ordering in the deadly rain of artillery, or sending a mass of tanks like a rolling iron wave at the enemy. But Binks was running the theater of it all. It was so cool to send a brigade of riflemen around the enemy's flank, but it was not cool to have Binks, every single time say, "Yes Gneneral! I'll signal the troops your orders right away Gneneral!" It was starting to ruin the whole fun of being a General.
What made it worse, was Binks shared his job with a signalman named Private Thoss. Thoss was even worse, because he had a damn Daffy-Duck slur in his S's, and therefore pronounced every s, as if it were a "th."
"Call in the Mustangs!" General Smith would command, "We need some close air-support!" And Thoss would salute and say, "Yeth Thir! Your orderth are already thent!" It was worse when things were really hairy, and both of them were on duty at the same time.
"Where are the casualty reports!?" He'd ask.
"Perhapth on your dethk Thir!" Private Thoss would say.
"I'm receiving an nencoded message now Gneneral!"
-the field telephone rang, and Thoss answered
"Firtht Army Command Potht!"
(He suspected other Generals of calling just so they could laugh at whichever boob picked up the phone.)
Binks was doing something on the radio.
"Gneneral! The nenemy has pinned down Lieutnenant Glnenn's platoon! What are the Gneneral's orders!?"
"Thir! Eithenhower hath given the orderth to retreat. The flankth thouthwardth are in theriouth ditharray!"
General Smith put his hands to his head. How could anyone conduct a war like this!?
I guess it wasn't Private Binks that so much had a problem, as it was General Smith. Shortly thereafter, the 25th panzer-grenadiers landed a lucky artillery barrage which straddled the command post. The concussion was enough to knock General Smith out, and he was carried to safety by his two signalmen. When he awoke, much to his horror, he found he had somehow gained BOTH of the hideous speech impediments of Binks and Thoss.
"Do you know where you are?" Asked the medic.
"In Germany."
"Good. Do you know who you are?"
"Of courth, I'm Gneneral Thmith."
And with that, his military career was over. He was however, (to his humiliation) quite the study for psychologists and linguists for years.
Now General Smith came from West Point, fought a little in the American Expeditionary Force in W-W-1, and considered himself a fairly martial kinda' guy. He loved the commands of battle, ordering in the deadly rain of artillery, or sending a mass of tanks like a rolling iron wave at the enemy. But Binks was running the theater of it all. It was so cool to send a brigade of riflemen around the enemy's flank, but it was not cool to have Binks, every single time say, "Yes Gneneral! I'll signal the troops your orders right away Gneneral!" It was starting to ruin the whole fun of being a General.
What made it worse, was Binks shared his job with a signalman named Private Thoss. Thoss was even worse, because he had a damn Daffy-Duck slur in his S's, and therefore pronounced every s, as if it were a "th."
"Call in the Mustangs!" General Smith would command, "We need some close air-support!" And Thoss would salute and say, "Yeth Thir! Your orderth are already thent!" It was worse when things were really hairy, and both of them were on duty at the same time.
"Where are the casualty reports!?" He'd ask.
"Perhapth on your dethk Thir!" Private Thoss would say.
"I'm receiving an nencoded message now Gneneral!"
-the field telephone rang, and Thoss answered
"Firtht Army Command Potht!"
(He suspected other Generals of calling just so they could laugh at whichever boob picked up the phone.)
Binks was doing something on the radio.
"Gneneral! The nenemy has pinned down Lieutnenant Glnenn's platoon! What are the Gneneral's orders!?"
"Thir! Eithenhower hath given the orderth to retreat. The flankth thouthwardth are in theriouth ditharray!"
General Smith put his hands to his head. How could anyone conduct a war like this!?
I guess it wasn't Private Binks that so much had a problem, as it was General Smith. Shortly thereafter, the 25th panzer-grenadiers landed a lucky artillery barrage which straddled the command post. The concussion was enough to knock General Smith out, and he was carried to safety by his two signalmen. When he awoke, much to his horror, he found he had somehow gained BOTH of the hideous speech impediments of Binks and Thoss.
"Do you know where you are?" Asked the medic.
"In Germany."
"Good. Do you know who you are?"
"Of courth, I'm Gneneral Thmith."
And with that, his military career was over. He was however, (to his humiliation) quite the study for psychologists and linguists for years.
Saturday, December 10, 2005
Friday, December 09, 2005
They thought they could shut me up!
With some high-falutin' talk, and a lotta' liquor. (of course you know...) It ain't gonnan happen, least-wise, not while yer pal D. Tsunami is at the helm controllin' this shit. I don't believe their lies, and I'm not buyin' what their sellin' - even tho that's their job, and they're good at it. It's like spam I get on the...
Fuck That!!
Look, I know you all are hungry for a happy friday post, but Gjoddamn, this particular Friday has been a jackhammer on my particular wisdom, and on my brain as well. And I'm not sayin' it hasn't been great, but, it's also been evil. The kind of evil you want to suck deep inside yourself and hope in the morning...that, that-evil manefests into a beautiful creature that's lying beside you naked, and compliant to whatever -dream/sleep/fantasy- kinda' deal-i-o you're into. The kinda' sitch-u-ation that would kinda' get your rocks off in...sorta' the most bizzare way you could possibly imagine getting yourself off to - in the way that you'd never admit, even to your closest lover. That's what Friday's all about tonight...and when I talk about Friday like this, you know I'm serious. This is clearly the King of All Weekdays - the kinda' Friday that needs no elaboration.
So, in other words, I hope you all win the lotto tonight, and if yer not that guy/gal, then I hope your tongues all get a gjoddamn workout. I'm wishing you a moment of comlete satisfaction...knowing at the moment you read this, the weekday is done. And that ain't half bad.
Happy friday.
Fuck That!!
Look, I know you all are hungry for a happy friday post, but Gjoddamn, this particular Friday has been a jackhammer on my particular wisdom, and on my brain as well. And I'm not sayin' it hasn't been great, but, it's also been evil. The kind of evil you want to suck deep inside yourself and hope in the morning...that, that-evil manefests into a beautiful creature that's lying beside you naked, and compliant to whatever -dream/sleep/fantasy- kinda' deal-i-o you're into. The kinda' sitch-u-ation that would kinda' get your rocks off in...sorta' the most bizzare way you could possibly imagine getting yourself off to - in the way that you'd never admit, even to your closest lover. That's what Friday's all about tonight...and when I talk about Friday like this, you know I'm serious. This is clearly the King of All Weekdays - the kinda' Friday that needs no elaboration.
So, in other words, I hope you all win the lotto tonight, and if yer not that guy/gal, then I hope your tongues all get a gjoddamn workout. I'm wishing you a moment of comlete satisfaction...knowing at the moment you read this, the weekday is done. And that ain't half bad.
Happy friday.
Thursday, December 08, 2005
Two Posts Down
Contains the line that may have been the best thing written in the last month.
It goes like this...
- He looked up, the smile on his face slunk away like a kicked dog. -
That's nice.
It goes like this...
- He looked up, the smile on his face slunk away like a kicked dog. -
That's nice.
Okay...
Things have been a little quiet lately, and while I know that the International Community of Devoted Fjordlings is doing their part...I need you all to do more. (just a little, itty-bitty bit more...really...like 25 seconds more...)
If you'll notice at the bottom of each post is a little envelope icon, with an arrow. This icon allows you to instantly e-mail anyone of your choosing that particular post. Do us, over at the West Coast Branch, a favor, and send one of your favorite Fjord textuals to three of your like-minded pals. (or if you want, just copy and paste a link of our URL, or...if you've got a blog yerself hyperlink us in - that'd be cool)
That's it. That's all you gotta do. Just, yaknow for yer 'ole pal Tsunami.
In return, I'll do an un-assisted handstand. Here I go! HUP!
OOoop! Stuff's fallin out of my pockets! Shoulda' thought of this before I got up all upside-vertical, There go the...Keys - check. Lighter - check. Loose change - check. Wallet - check. Hey - don't run off with that - it's got my bus pass! Fuck you! I'm now chasing you down the street on my hands! I'm catching up - I move pretty fast on my hands! When I catch you I'm going to strangle you with my calves!
I'm just sayin' - three measly people...
and don't ever, ever, take my wallet.
If you'll notice at the bottom of each post is a little envelope icon, with an arrow. This icon allows you to instantly e-mail anyone of your choosing that particular post. Do us, over at the West Coast Branch, a favor, and send one of your favorite Fjord textuals to three of your like-minded pals. (or if you want, just copy and paste a link of our URL, or...if you've got a blog yerself hyperlink us in - that'd be cool)
That's it. That's all you gotta do. Just, yaknow for yer 'ole pal Tsunami.
In return, I'll do an un-assisted handstand. Here I go! HUP!
OOoop! Stuff's fallin out of my pockets! Shoulda' thought of this before I got up all upside-vertical, There go the...Keys - check. Lighter - check. Loose change - check. Wallet - check. Hey - don't run off with that - it's got my bus pass! Fuck you! I'm now chasing you down the street on my hands! I'm catching up - I move pretty fast on my hands! When I catch you I'm going to strangle you with my calves!
I'm just sayin' - three measly people...
and don't ever, ever, take my wallet.
Thursday Was Dark and Ominous...
And he walked through the hallways of his personal fortress, built from the toilings of thousands of wage-slaves, (which, to a weekday, ment nothing.)
"Whisky!" He demanded, even though his left hand was clutching a huge ceramic jug that had three X's stenciled upon it in yellow. Puny mortals scattered this way and that, to either fetch him the dark liquor, or to avoid his dark and ominous mood. One tripped, and fell flat to the floor. Thursday trampled him with a spiked-boot that would have made the official KISS cobbler proud.
Thursday drank from the jug until it was empty, then threw it against the wall where it shattered. He turned the corner, and a small man dressed in a white apron, stood by the awning of a small wheeled cart. As Thursday passed, the small man said,
"Would you like to try some falafel?"
Thursday took the back of his hand and sent the falafel salesman flying back into his cart, which promptly overturned. Falafel and various cans of soda spilled out onto the floor.
"I don't have time to eat!" Bellowed Thursday, "I need whisky!"
Of course, none appeared, which made Thursday even more dark and ominous. (Lets' face it, at a certain point dark and ominous crosses a line, and becomes downright threatening - which is the line we crossed a few paragraphs ago.) Thursday continued stomping down the hall. Behind him, hundreds of mortals, like rats, swarmed the falafel cart, and began hungrily stuffing their mouths, and popping open soda cans that fizzed and spilled over everything. The small falafel salesman tried in vain to stop his merchandise from being looted. Sad really.
Thursday flung open the doors to his fortress courtyard, where a few Thursday-Shock-Troops were practicing a vicious assault on a small hut. Sub-machine gun bullets ripped through the bodies of five target dummies inside. (at least, it seemed like they were target dummies) Then various grenades, flame-throwers, rockets, and missiles were launched obliterating the hut. There were hi-fives all around. Thursday dropped a mighty hand (covered in a fingerless, studded leather gauntlet - the kind of thing Judas Priest would adorn their hands with) on a Shock-troop's shoulder.
He looked up, the smile on his face slunk away like a kicked dog.
"Whisky." Thursday grumbled...and a pissed off Thursday grumbling is like the sound a volcano makes right before it's about to flatten a good chunk of a city.
"Try over at the trading post." The Trooper was able to say. "There's usually someone there that's got some stuff."
Thursday walked off, dark and ominous. A truck drove in his path, and he picked it up in one hand, without stopping, and threw it against a massive stone wall where it exploded. A fireball raced to the sky, and the driver spilled out of the cab, a charred cinder. Thursday came to the trading post, where various merchants and barterers were packing up their things and hoping to run away before any wrath could fall upon them.
"Whisky!" He yelled.
Merchants fled, some clutching bags or cases, but most willing to leave their wares to save their lives. Thursday watched the panic with some satisfaction, but mostly disgust - why was there no whisky to be had??!!
A man dressed in a seedy overcoat spoke up from the shadows.
"I gotcher whisky." He muttered.
Thursday eyed the fellow, from on high. He didn't look like he had anything but disheveled clothes.
"How much?" Thursday grumbled.
"As much as you need." The fellow said, his eyes a shadow from the brim of a shabby hat.
"Show me!"
"It'll be ten-thousand dollars."
"What!?" Yelled Thursday. His voice was like thunder, and it echoed off mountains miles away. Small woodland creatures scampered for their burrows.
"I said, ten thousand dollars,"
"Where are your trucks? Where are your wagons? Where are your porters? Ten thousand dollars buys a lot of whisky."
"Don't need 'em. Gots it right here." And with that the man reached into his shabby overcoat, and pulled out a mid-sized pewter hip flask. He shook it enticingly. Thursday laughed. "Ten thousand dollars for THAT!?! HAH!"
"Dude," The man said to Thursday, "It's weapons-grade whisky. You don't need much."
Thursday walked away. He looked about his fortress, which he now knew to be dry as a bone. He took a few more steps, but he knew, just as the man in the seedy coat knew, he'd have to buy it.
He turned and walked back. He fished out his wallet, and produced ten, thousand dollar bills. The man handed over the flask.
"Now, like I said, " the man spoke, "you'll only need..."
Thursday drank the whole thing. Peculiar sensations hit his mouth, throat and stomach.
"a mouthful or two." The man finished, and calmly looked up at Thursday. The big weekday looked about him, his eyes focused on something far off, then glazed over. His left knee bucked and he fell, flattening a post office, and part of a doughnut shop. Giant snores began to fill the air. The man in the seedy overcoat and shabby hat counted his money as he walked out of the fortress. As he did he mumbled under his breath.
"Fucking amateurs..."
"Whisky!" He demanded, even though his left hand was clutching a huge ceramic jug that had three X's stenciled upon it in yellow. Puny mortals scattered this way and that, to either fetch him the dark liquor, or to avoid his dark and ominous mood. One tripped, and fell flat to the floor. Thursday trampled him with a spiked-boot that would have made the official KISS cobbler proud.
Thursday drank from the jug until it was empty, then threw it against the wall where it shattered. He turned the corner, and a small man dressed in a white apron, stood by the awning of a small wheeled cart. As Thursday passed, the small man said,
"Would you like to try some falafel?"
Thursday took the back of his hand and sent the falafel salesman flying back into his cart, which promptly overturned. Falafel and various cans of soda spilled out onto the floor.
"I don't have time to eat!" Bellowed Thursday, "I need whisky!"
Of course, none appeared, which made Thursday even more dark and ominous. (Lets' face it, at a certain point dark and ominous crosses a line, and becomes downright threatening - which is the line we crossed a few paragraphs ago.) Thursday continued stomping down the hall. Behind him, hundreds of mortals, like rats, swarmed the falafel cart, and began hungrily stuffing their mouths, and popping open soda cans that fizzed and spilled over everything. The small falafel salesman tried in vain to stop his merchandise from being looted. Sad really.
Thursday flung open the doors to his fortress courtyard, where a few Thursday-Shock-Troops were practicing a vicious assault on a small hut. Sub-machine gun bullets ripped through the bodies of five target dummies inside. (at least, it seemed like they were target dummies) Then various grenades, flame-throwers, rockets, and missiles were launched obliterating the hut. There were hi-fives all around. Thursday dropped a mighty hand (covered in a fingerless, studded leather gauntlet - the kind of thing Judas Priest would adorn their hands with) on a Shock-troop's shoulder.
He looked up, the smile on his face slunk away like a kicked dog.
"Whisky." Thursday grumbled...and a pissed off Thursday grumbling is like the sound a volcano makes right before it's about to flatten a good chunk of a city.
"Try over at the trading post." The Trooper was able to say. "There's usually someone there that's got some stuff."
Thursday walked off, dark and ominous. A truck drove in his path, and he picked it up in one hand, without stopping, and threw it against a massive stone wall where it exploded. A fireball raced to the sky, and the driver spilled out of the cab, a charred cinder. Thursday came to the trading post, where various merchants and barterers were packing up their things and hoping to run away before any wrath could fall upon them.
"Whisky!" He yelled.
Merchants fled, some clutching bags or cases, but most willing to leave their wares to save their lives. Thursday watched the panic with some satisfaction, but mostly disgust - why was there no whisky to be had??!!
A man dressed in a seedy overcoat spoke up from the shadows.
"I gotcher whisky." He muttered.
Thursday eyed the fellow, from on high. He didn't look like he had anything but disheveled clothes.
"How much?" Thursday grumbled.
"As much as you need." The fellow said, his eyes a shadow from the brim of a shabby hat.
"Show me!"
"It'll be ten-thousand dollars."
"What!?" Yelled Thursday. His voice was like thunder, and it echoed off mountains miles away. Small woodland creatures scampered for their burrows.
"I said, ten thousand dollars,"
"Where are your trucks? Where are your wagons? Where are your porters? Ten thousand dollars buys a lot of whisky."
"Don't need 'em. Gots it right here." And with that the man reached into his shabby overcoat, and pulled out a mid-sized pewter hip flask. He shook it enticingly. Thursday laughed. "Ten thousand dollars for THAT!?! HAH!"
"Dude," The man said to Thursday, "It's weapons-grade whisky. You don't need much."
Thursday walked away. He looked about his fortress, which he now knew to be dry as a bone. He took a few more steps, but he knew, just as the man in the seedy coat knew, he'd have to buy it.
He turned and walked back. He fished out his wallet, and produced ten, thousand dollar bills. The man handed over the flask.
"Now, like I said, " the man spoke, "you'll only need..."
Thursday drank the whole thing. Peculiar sensations hit his mouth, throat and stomach.
"a mouthful or two." The man finished, and calmly looked up at Thursday. The big weekday looked about him, his eyes focused on something far off, then glazed over. His left knee bucked and he fell, flattening a post office, and part of a doughnut shop. Giant snores began to fill the air. The man in the seedy overcoat and shabby hat counted his money as he walked out of the fortress. As he did he mumbled under his breath.
"Fucking amateurs..."
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
Hello Kitty!!!
Greetin's my Fjordian Gangsta's and Gangsta'-ettes!
Tonite we delve into the realm of a couple of items the Webmonster threw my way today. Now, I'll preface this here post, by sayin' I ain't a huge "Hello Kitty" fan, but I do find the little creature to be pretty cute. But when I heard there was a Hello Kitty Guitar! I knew I needed to win the lotto and get myself one posthaste!
I shared my new-found knowledge with my pal Monkey, and found she could trump me one on the "Cool Hello Kitty Merch."
I'd get more use myself outta the axe, but I'll tell ya what, I'd be happy seeing either of these fine creations -actually in action.
Anyways, I know you're all gettin' hungry for another literary masterwork, but at the moment, I'm directing my energy towards another project, and I'm stealing that time from here. However, I will spill this little secret. Since I started writing at this here web-zine, I've found my work affected (effected? yeah, probly...) by every good piece of literature I've consumed. This year I'm going to say, that's exactly two books. (that's not how many I read, but how many ended up being good.) However, I'm busy ripping through Naked Lunch right now, and I'm pretty confident that it's going to start leaking over here in just a little bit.
Tonite we delve into the realm of a couple of items the Webmonster threw my way today. Now, I'll preface this here post, by sayin' I ain't a huge "Hello Kitty" fan, but I do find the little creature to be pretty cute. But when I heard there was a Hello Kitty Guitar! I knew I needed to win the lotto and get myself one posthaste!
I shared my new-found knowledge with my pal Monkey, and found she could trump me one on the "Cool Hello Kitty Merch."
I'd get more use myself outta the axe, but I'll tell ya what, I'd be happy seeing either of these fine creations -actually in action.
Anyways, I know you're all gettin' hungry for another literary masterwork, but at the moment, I'm directing my energy towards another project, and I'm stealing that time from here. However, I will spill this little secret. Since I started writing at this here web-zine, I've found my work affected (effected? yeah, probly...) by every good piece of literature I've consumed. This year I'm going to say, that's exactly two books. (that's not how many I read, but how many ended up being good.) However, I'm busy ripping through Naked Lunch right now, and I'm pretty confident that it's going to start leaking over here in just a little bit.
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
Tuesday Night Webzine Humor
Tonight's episode is titled
"BLIMP BOMB"
man 1) Dude! There's a bomb on that blimp!
man 2) Man, do you know how fucking rediculous that sounds?
man 1) Yeah, but it'd be pretty funny if that fat fuck actually did have a bomb.
"BLIMP BOMB"
man 1) Dude! There's a bomb on that blimp!
man 2) Man, do you know how fucking rediculous that sounds?
man 1) Yeah, but it'd be pretty funny if that fat fuck actually did have a bomb.
Monday, December 05, 2005
Just kickin' it tonight...
but for all you Ladies and Gentlemen who really need something from Fjord tonight (and tomorrow)
I give you
This wonderful story about squirrels!
I give you
This wonderful story about squirrels!
Saturday, December 03, 2005
Continuing our tireless efforts
To entertain you bastards. Here's some light Saturday Noir for your eyeball-pleasure
(hmmm...another good band name, methinks.)
Good god, I remember looking at the first corporate computer screen I’d ever seen, and thinking, how cool it was. Then I started figuring out what the hell all these programs did, and I realized, how much I wished I didn’t know what these little icons meant. They meant despair, they meant subjugation, they meant, the hell of the nine to five summed up in eight or ten graphical icons.
Tom looked at the same icons, but he never felt the trap like I did. See, he had an outlet. Usually he’d find a pick-up game of basketball, and play hard, and like an asshole. He wasn’t afraid to throw his words around like weapons, slamming insults into people until it got under their skin, and they got pissed enough to start hammering elbows back, and ripping up their own worst trash talk. But, that’s just an aside, like I said, Tom had an outlet. He had a nice stiletto, something he picked up in Mexico, before the 9-11 made it harder to get stuff across the border. Although, now that I think about it, you could probably still buy the crazy stuff, and just ship it Fed-Ex.
Anyways, it had a solid black handle, and a nice thin blade, and he liked to find people to knife with it. The cops and the crime beat guys had noticed his particular style, which was pretty nasty. He got a thrill out of, well, getting to stab people a lot of times. But he kinda’ had a way of keeping them alive while he did it. The first few he practiced on, it was either a quick affair, where only one or two thrusts were enough to damage some internal organ, or they were loud, where the victim screamed so many times, that he either ran, or got really lucky, and was never caught.
By now – damn near three years, the cops and crime beat guys were calling him “The Scorpion Killer” cause he stung his victims so many times while they were still alive. Anyways, like I said, his technique was to surprise the victim from behind, and make a small cut across the windpipe of the throat. Done properly, the cut was only about ½ way through the windpipe – it didn’t come close to killing. It just drowned the vocal chords in blood, and that way, Tom could just start knifing, with satisfying stabs to the legs, arms, and wherever there wasn’t a really vital organ.
I’m not saying I liked him, but the guy didn’t really look at the computer the way I did. Like I said, he had an outlet.
Now...go find a cure for cancer or something...
(hmmm...another good band name, methinks.)
Good god, I remember looking at the first corporate computer screen I’d ever seen, and thinking, how cool it was. Then I started figuring out what the hell all these programs did, and I realized, how much I wished I didn’t know what these little icons meant. They meant despair, they meant subjugation, they meant, the hell of the nine to five summed up in eight or ten graphical icons.
Tom looked at the same icons, but he never felt the trap like I did. See, he had an outlet. Usually he’d find a pick-up game of basketball, and play hard, and like an asshole. He wasn’t afraid to throw his words around like weapons, slamming insults into people until it got under their skin, and they got pissed enough to start hammering elbows back, and ripping up their own worst trash talk. But, that’s just an aside, like I said, Tom had an outlet. He had a nice stiletto, something he picked up in Mexico, before the 9-11 made it harder to get stuff across the border. Although, now that I think about it, you could probably still buy the crazy stuff, and just ship it Fed-Ex.
Anyways, it had a solid black handle, and a nice thin blade, and he liked to find people to knife with it. The cops and the crime beat guys had noticed his particular style, which was pretty nasty. He got a thrill out of, well, getting to stab people a lot of times. But he kinda’ had a way of keeping them alive while he did it. The first few he practiced on, it was either a quick affair, where only one or two thrusts were enough to damage some internal organ, or they were loud, where the victim screamed so many times, that he either ran, or got really lucky, and was never caught.
By now – damn near three years, the cops and crime beat guys were calling him “The Scorpion Killer” cause he stung his victims so many times while they were still alive. Anyways, like I said, his technique was to surprise the victim from behind, and make a small cut across the windpipe of the throat. Done properly, the cut was only about ½ way through the windpipe – it didn’t come close to killing. It just drowned the vocal chords in blood, and that way, Tom could just start knifing, with satisfying stabs to the legs, arms, and wherever there wasn’t a really vital organ.
I’m not saying I liked him, but the guy didn’t really look at the computer the way I did. Like I said, he had an outlet.
Now...go find a cure for cancer or something...
Friday, December 02, 2005
Tonight the role of Friday will be played by...
Albert Finney
Cause it'll need his special talents.
So, now, without further ado...here's your Happy Friday Post.
The ship was one of those old-timey, three-masted sailing vessels, and it rolled down huge waves, and then climbed the next. The sea was gray, and waves were tipped with white. And was like this for as far as the eye could see. The wind was biting, and whipped water and spray and mist - fast enough to sting.
Friday stood in the forecastle in a rain-slicker that glistened. A plastered-wet parrot on his right shoulder, hung on, digging claws in through the raincoat. The ship topped another wave, and Friday opened his arms as the ship began to plunge down the fifty-foot drop, and yelled at the top of his lungs.
"I'M KING OF THE WEEKDAYS!"
Wednesday lurched up, as the ship dug into the trough between waves, and yelled.
"Capn'! We must ship some sail! They're going to pull down the masts!"
Friday turned back, and saw, the other weekdays in various spots around the boat.
"Call the officers to my quarters!" He commanded.
In his quarters, lit by a couple of swinging lanterns, Friday looked over his motley assortment of pirate officers. Monday had a hook, Tuesday an eye-patch, Wednesday...well, apart from the hump he had a very nice bandana on his head, and a mouth full of golden teeth. Thursday bore the eyepatch.
"Look," Friday said, "I know we risk damaging the ship, but if we take down some cloth we'll loose the Galleon. And if we loose the Galleon, well, why the hell did we become pirates!?"
The officers stood around, grumbling and making random, "Yarr" sounds.
"I'm serious!" Friday said, why did we become pirates anyways!?"
Monday: "Err, the pillaging?"
All: "Yea! Yarr..."
Tuesday: "The raping!"
All: Yea! Arrrrg!"
Wednesday: "BOOTY!"
All: "AAAAARRRR!"
Thursday: "To practice the art of celestial navagation!"
All: "Yea...whaa? The art of..."
Thursday: "I'm kidding! Floggin prisoners, and keel-haulin' them, and makin' 'em walk the plank, and stickin' my cutlass in the gullets of scurvy dogs! Yarrr!"
All: "Yea! ARRRGGG!
Friday: "If we loose the Galleon in these heavy seas, then we won't have any of that, and we won't BE VERY GOOD PIRATES! Now will we."
All: Noooo.
Friday: "Very well. Everyone to their posts. Make speed, and we'll be rich by nightfall!"
All: "HUZZAH! HUZZA FOR CAP'N FRIDAY!"
They charged out of the cabin, and smack into a huge wave that washed over the ship. Friday's parrot was carried off, squalking madly.
Friday sat up in his eazy-chair, water was dripping from his chin, and had soaked through his shirt. Monday and Thrusday stood over him, looking concerned. Monday had an empty bucket in his hands. He coughed, and spulttered, and shook his head. Droplets of water flew off his hair.
"Why," He asked, "Did you do that?"
"You were thrashing about, and we, err, tried to wake you up, but couldn't." Said Thursday.
"I was in the middle of a wonderful dream."
"No," Said Monday, "It was more like a subconscious drug trip...I think."
"Hmmm." Said Friday. Then he remembered last night.
Yeah, as it came back to him, he was at the club, and a sketchy fellow came up, sunglasses (tho it was far past 1 at the time) dark hat, long gray coat. He'd made small talk for a bit, then offered a potion which, he claimed, would be the cure-all for what ailed him. Friday was pretty far gone at the time, and, the fellow did have a soothing, trustful voice. Friday looked at his surroundings, and sure enough, there was an empty vial, laying at his feet. He realized, he'd been stupid.
"What time is it?" He asked
"About 6:30" Said Thursday.
"Jeeesh! I gotta' get cracking!"
"Yeah," Said Monday, looking for a place to put down the bucket. "We kinda' thought that."
"Well, okay, thanks. Let me offer one word of advice to you guys."
"What's that?" Asked Thursday.
"Never buy anything from a sketchy peddler of elixers."
Happy Gjoddamn Friday!
Cause it'll need his special talents.
So, now, without further ado...here's your Happy Friday Post.
The ship was one of those old-timey, three-masted sailing vessels, and it rolled down huge waves, and then climbed the next. The sea was gray, and waves were tipped with white. And was like this for as far as the eye could see. The wind was biting, and whipped water and spray and mist - fast enough to sting.
Friday stood in the forecastle in a rain-slicker that glistened. A plastered-wet parrot on his right shoulder, hung on, digging claws in through the raincoat. The ship topped another wave, and Friday opened his arms as the ship began to plunge down the fifty-foot drop, and yelled at the top of his lungs.
"I'M KING OF THE WEEKDAYS!"
Wednesday lurched up, as the ship dug into the trough between waves, and yelled.
"Capn'! We must ship some sail! They're going to pull down the masts!"
Friday turned back, and saw, the other weekdays in various spots around the boat.
"Call the officers to my quarters!" He commanded.
In his quarters, lit by a couple of swinging lanterns, Friday looked over his motley assortment of pirate officers. Monday had a hook, Tuesday an eye-patch, Wednesday...well, apart from the hump he had a very nice bandana on his head, and a mouth full of golden teeth. Thursday bore the eyepatch.
"Look," Friday said, "I know we risk damaging the ship, but if we take down some cloth we'll loose the Galleon. And if we loose the Galleon, well, why the hell did we become pirates!?"
The officers stood around, grumbling and making random, "Yarr" sounds.
"I'm serious!" Friday said, why did we become pirates anyways!?"
Monday: "Err, the pillaging?"
All: "Yea! Yarr..."
Tuesday: "The raping!"
All: Yea! Arrrrg!"
Wednesday: "BOOTY!"
All: "AAAAARRRR!"
Thursday: "To practice the art of celestial navagation!"
All: "Yea...whaa? The art of..."
Thursday: "I'm kidding! Floggin prisoners, and keel-haulin' them, and makin' 'em walk the plank, and stickin' my cutlass in the gullets of scurvy dogs! Yarrr!"
All: "Yea! ARRRGGG!
Friday: "If we loose the Galleon in these heavy seas, then we won't have any of that, and we won't BE VERY GOOD PIRATES! Now will we."
All: Noooo.
Friday: "Very well. Everyone to their posts. Make speed, and we'll be rich by nightfall!"
All: "HUZZAH! HUZZA FOR CAP'N FRIDAY!"
They charged out of the cabin, and smack into a huge wave that washed over the ship. Friday's parrot was carried off, squalking madly.
Friday sat up in his eazy-chair, water was dripping from his chin, and had soaked through his shirt. Monday and Thrusday stood over him, looking concerned. Monday had an empty bucket in his hands. He coughed, and spulttered, and shook his head. Droplets of water flew off his hair.
"Why," He asked, "Did you do that?"
"You were thrashing about, and we, err, tried to wake you up, but couldn't." Said Thursday.
"I was in the middle of a wonderful dream."
"No," Said Monday, "It was more like a subconscious drug trip...I think."
"Hmmm." Said Friday. Then he remembered last night.
Yeah, as it came back to him, he was at the club, and a sketchy fellow came up, sunglasses (tho it was far past 1 at the time) dark hat, long gray coat. He'd made small talk for a bit, then offered a potion which, he claimed, would be the cure-all for what ailed him. Friday was pretty far gone at the time, and, the fellow did have a soothing, trustful voice. Friday looked at his surroundings, and sure enough, there was an empty vial, laying at his feet. He realized, he'd been stupid.
"What time is it?" He asked
"About 6:30" Said Thursday.
"Jeeesh! I gotta' get cracking!"
"Yeah," Said Monday, looking for a place to put down the bucket. "We kinda' thought that."
"Well, okay, thanks. Let me offer one word of advice to you guys."
"What's that?" Asked Thursday.
"Never buy anything from a sketchy peddler of elixers."
Happy Gjoddamn Friday!
Thursday, December 01, 2005
Turned out it was last night.
15,000 hits...that's NIIIIIIICE!
Kickass. Thanks Fjordlings!
In return, I'll write you some non-fiction...a real life D. Tsunami moment.
So yesterday I was at the dentists office. It's been near five years since any professional has looked at my choppers, and I was...pretty nervous. So after I gets my X-rays, I get set for the bad news, when the dentist comes in. She's young, Asian, attractive...and I figger if someone's going to make my mouth hurt - it really couldn't get any better.
So, after checking out the bad spots on the X-rays, she goes ahead and starts givin' me the 'ole "oral cancer" check. Jeesh, pretty nerve wracking knowing any second a lovely Asian dentist could say, "Oop, you've got mouth cancer."
However, while she's lookin' around in there, she 's moving a mirror around various places, and she goes, "God, you've got a great tongue! It does exactly what I want it to do." It was the first time (outside er...umm...yaknow...the sex) I'd been complemented on my tongue. The next thing I knew, I was thinkin' "this young Asian dentist is hot for my tongue!"
Of course, the ways of the Dentite are strange and mysterious...for after the exam and cleaning, she took off her latex gloves, and as she did, I shot a quick glance over at her hand. Yup, sure enough, a big fat ring explained the story of a rich husband, nice house, probly a nice car too.
However, it was still super nice to walk out of Wednesday with a tongue compliment.
P.S.
I wanted to mention, that I think all of your tongues are amazing! Keep up the good work with those little guys!
-Tsunami-
Kickass. Thanks Fjordlings!
In return, I'll write you some non-fiction...a real life D. Tsunami moment.
So yesterday I was at the dentists office. It's been near five years since any professional has looked at my choppers, and I was...pretty nervous. So after I gets my X-rays, I get set for the bad news, when the dentist comes in. She's young, Asian, attractive...and I figger if someone's going to make my mouth hurt - it really couldn't get any better.
So, after checking out the bad spots on the X-rays, she goes ahead and starts givin' me the 'ole "oral cancer" check. Jeesh, pretty nerve wracking knowing any second a lovely Asian dentist could say, "Oop, you've got mouth cancer."
However, while she's lookin' around in there, she 's moving a mirror around various places, and she goes, "God, you've got a great tongue! It does exactly what I want it to do." It was the first time (outside er...umm...yaknow...the sex) I'd been complemented on my tongue. The next thing I knew, I was thinkin' "this young Asian dentist is hot for my tongue!"
Of course, the ways of the Dentite are strange and mysterious...for after the exam and cleaning, she took off her latex gloves, and as she did, I shot a quick glance over at her hand. Yup, sure enough, a big fat ring explained the story of a rich husband, nice house, probly a nice car too.
However, it was still super nice to walk out of Wednesday with a tongue compliment.
P.S.
I wanted to mention, that I think all of your tongues are amazing! Keep up the good work with those little guys!
-Tsunami-
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