Friday is aware...

Friday is aware that he is the embodiment of how much is too much. He is the mansion that is too huge, with too nice a view. He is the car passing you on the street that costs more than you're capable of making in your entire life. Friday is aware he is a direct representation of gluttony without guilt. He is the all-you-can-eat buffet, and the party with all the drugs you can possibly take, and the non-stop-sex-orgy you've only heard about in rumors. Friday is aware he is the toggle switch from devoting four days of slaving for a clean (or dirty) dollar, to having two days of time just to yourself. Friday is aware that uncounted billions of mortals on planet earth have yet to feel that feeling. Friday is aware that time is passing and this moment and the next, are passing into history. Friday, like you or I, also does not know where those moments go. Friday, unlike you or I, does not care since he is immortal...in the sense that as long as the current structure of a seven-day-week exists, so will he. Friday is aware of the looks of jealousy or envy, as he makes his way through the world. He gets them from immortal and mortal alike, like walking through a poor part of town carrying an 18-pack of beer. Friday is aware he is the ultimate billionaire playboy, unstoppable in force or will or desire. Friday is aware that people (and entities) might think him a bimbo, (himbo? Mimbo? Manboob? Dink?) as he just wants to have fun. Yet , bestowed with the role, what was he supposed to do? Take responsibility!?! Make the most of his "bully pulpit" to change the world for the better!?! Asking you to sacrifice this time to actually work to make the world a better place!?!

Nay, that's the job of the most Badass Monday, or Shifty/Tricksey Tuesday, or the Clever Inventor/Artisan/Hunchback Wednesday, or the most Solidly-Allied-To-Friday-of-all- Weekdays, Thursday. Those are the days to get things done. Friday is aware he could do better. But Friday has a lot on his plate, and a lot of people and things to serve...and when was the last time you hosted a party and forgot - or couldn't find- just the one thing, device, or activity that would have made everyone feel better...Friday's got to deal with 7 billion people, people just like you, on a never ending weekly basis. Friday is aware that he sets the table of your feast and merriment every week.

It's pretty much up to you to make the most of it.

Happy Friday

Re: Flamethrowers

This is short.

Staunchly Opposed To This Footwear...

"Flip-flops" or "thongs" - Just cannot for the life of me get behind this hideously ugly, and demonically impractical abomination of "shoe."

This little article brings a little research to the subject (yes, it appears they actually spent money looking at this...sigh...I coulda' just told em.

The Auburn team videotaped 39 flip-flop-wearing volunteers and noticed how they scrunched their toes to keep the flip-flip on the foot while the heel lifted in the air. This motion stretches the plantar fascia, the connective tissue that runs from heel to toe, causing inflammation, pain along the sole, heel spurs and tired feet in general.

These symptoms were actually what flip-flop wearers at Auburn University had reported upon returning to classes in the fall. An entire summer of flip-flop wearing had taken its toll.

The researchers also found that the volunteers altered their gait , taking shorter strides and turning their ankles inward, likely to keep the flip-flop from falling off. This, the researchers worry, can cause long-term ankle and hip problems.

Of course, this study does nothing to touch on a more important fact, which is - if you turned the corner wearing these awful things, and were confjronted by a rabid dog, (or a pack of coyotes, wolverines, angry possums, mountain puma, hell insert yours here) you my friend, would be in big trouble. Running is out, kicking for self-defense is out, yer just screwed. Creatures in nature have a whole array of of signals to warn predators of bad consequences - the skunk, the porcupine, the wasp, hell even the Monarch butterfly is colorful because it's poisoness! Wearing flip-flops is like giving up, and announcing to the entire animal kingdom - I AM HELPLESS PREY - EAT ME!

This, however, does not.

Yep, signals.

You are sending them all the time. Just sayin'.

Thank Gjod! "Earth 'not at risk' from collider"

I feel so much safer now!

Here's our munny quote...
But the report, issued the European Organization for Nuclear Research, says there is "no conceivable danger".

Whew! I had been worried for a little bit about that...but now, oh, wait...

Critics have previously raised concerns that the production of weird hypothetical particles called strangelets in the LHC could trigger the mass conversion of nuclei in ordinary atoms into more strange matter - transforming the Earth into a hot, dead lump.

All right...who are these critics, all worried and paranoid about this stuff? Clearly a buncha whackos! Oop...well, there's this guy...
But in 2003, Dr Adrian Kent, a theoretical physicist at the University of Cambridge, wrote a paper in which he argued that scientists had not adequately calculated the risks of a "killer strangelet" catastrophe scenario.

Just a theoretical physicist at Cambridge. Nothing to see here...move along. Oh, and to further reassure you crackpots...
theoretical physicist John Ellis, confirmed that black holes could be made by the collider. But they said: "If microscopic black holes were to be singly produced by colliding the quarks and gluons inside protons, they would also be able to decay into the same types of particles that produced them."

The report added: "The expected lifetime [of a mini-black hole] would be very short."

So yeah - everything's awesome, and we're not about to imperil our little planet with anything craaaaazy...like a black hole that would only last "a very short lifetime." Besides, this stuff will be perfectly contained in a capture matrix that will controll all the forces which we will have created.

Ooop...
The LHC was due to switch on in 26 November 2007. The start-up has been postponed several times, however, and is currently scheduled for later this summer. The first delay was precipitated by an accident in March 2007 during stress testing of one of the LHC's "quadrupole" magnets. A statement carried on the Cern website from the US laboratory that provided the magnet stated that the equipment had experienced a "failure" when supporting structures "broke".

It later emerged that the magnet had exploded in the tunnel, close to one of the LHC's most important detectors.

But apart from that, everything's amazing!

Older post here.


Another old post here.

A hokey beginning, but here's a sweet vid of the thing.

Hehe..."Could have been..."

Lovely!

I believe the munny quote is...
"The tools could have been used to hunt horses, mammoth and woolly rhinoceros."

Or, they could have been used to make primitive spacecraft!

Are you sure you don't want to move into the field of pre-historical archeology? I am still happy to make good on my offer...

...I'll be happy to give you a (really crappy looking) CERTIFICATE OF EXPERTISE IN THE FIELD OF PRE-HISTORIC ARCHEOLOGY - FROM THE FJORDIAN (err...thinking quickly on the fly here) COUNCIL OF SCIENTIFIC INQUIRY! (yes, that will do nicely.)

Whatta fjuckin' cake job!

Haha...silly rabbit - TRIX ARE FOR KIDS!!

No foolish cartoon children, trix are for everybody! We - by "we" I mean everyone out here in the real world - are trixed day in and day out, and nobody stops the silly rabbit, he just shows up in another form, in another venue, and KEEPS FJUCKING TRIXING US!

I for one, would like the dang Coyote Gjod to appear and eat up that dang rabbit, cause this particular WCB Correspondent want's an end to it. Could we just go a year without this rabbit crap? The King of the Swamp People has not forgotten! Hell, you don't want the King to start commanding me to link to shit, because it. Won't. End.

I'm tired of paying attention to the stuff that's important, and never gets mentioned. I've got other things to do. But I am watching...and if that fjuckin' rabbit shows up one more time, I'm going to grab it by it's silly cartoon throat, and twist it till the fjuckin' head pops off.

Whew...guess this post is a fine reason not to drink and blog ina heatwave.

Still, I mean every word.

I'm watchin you...fjuckin' rabbit.

We lost a fellow watcher yesterday, which makes me sad. This isn't his best piece, but it's worth hearing, nevertheless.



Anybody left to take his place? Me wonders...

Mebby this dude?

Always Happens...

I start plugging some stupid story, and the next thing you know, something pops up to support it. Like this!

In fact, there are no rooms, only corridors, with corpses two deep if they are standing, and three or more if lying along the walls.

Yeah...only they ain't corpses, they're frikken mummies!!

(found at boing boing)

(dunno why the pic gots cut off...but click on it if ya wanna see the whole mummy-frying action)

Tonight Your Friday Post

Will be this video!

(Please take notes, there will be a test on this later)

Pepper

'Ere's a little palate clenser

from the last one...

The Big Picture - Really nice, big pictures.

The Bill Of Rights?

When did that thing ever do me any good? Can't say, but we here at the WCB of Fjord still kinda' like the little guy.

***

Today is National IV Amendment Defense Day - there's a big vote today in the House, and it does appear if it passes (which, at the moment, seems it will) one of the fundamental rights you thought you had ('ere in the good 'ole U.S.of A) doesn't mean exactly what you thought it did.

Our rep's kinda' sprung this on us all sneakily...so if you can call a few of 'em and say WTF? - real quick-like, they might get a little worried. That's what we want. Find yers here.

I did it yesterday, and it's pretty easy...in fact, I actually called my Rep's office AND MY REP (Diane Watson) ACTUALLY PICKED UP THE PHONE!

***UPDATE***
Too late. It's a done deal in the House. They debated for an hour, and gave away the store. At least we still have...err, about six amendments left...

I'm off to do something important...like drink a lot and huff some paint.

The Oooozeining

Yes, creativity that normally flows thru my brain like liquid fire, has now, officially, slowed to the pace of ooze. Hopefully this will just be for today.

I'll just leave you with this little question.
"What are you spending your "economic stimulus check" on?"

I'm still debating...but I think I'm gonna put it somewhere safe until I have an ider that is totally awesome! If you have any suggestions for me, feel free to leave one in the comments. (if it's spending it on you...please remember, I'm rather miffed that nobody got me a Cinco De Mayo gift)

More exhibits...

Cows and kangaroos, equally dumb?

Exhibit "M"


Exhibit "N"


For those of you new to the series...here's the previous exhibits...
The first...
Exhibit B
Exhibit C (definately one of my fave's)
E & F
G
J,K,&L

And in a brilliant act of blogging one-upsmanship, it seems our pal rhino has started a series of "Why humans are dumber than cows or kangaroos" I'm sure there will be many, many fine exhibits in that piece.

!! Mummy News !! Mummy News !! Mummy News !!

It seems that the Egyptian government has hired Robert Ballard (The fellow who found the Titanic wreck - amongst other underwater relics) to find the sarcophagus of Menkaure - the Pharaoh buried in the third largest pyramid at Giza.

Read the whole super-interesting story right here.

Incase that link doesn't last...here's a nice little bit.

Built from polished blue basalt to transport the king's earthly remains to the next world, the elaborately decorated vessel lay hidden inside the third-largest of Giza's renowned Pyramids for more than 4,000 years. In 1837 the British colonel Richard William Howard Vyse blasted his way into Menkaure's sepulchral chamber using gunpowder and discovered the stone casket.

The mummy was missing by that time — ancient Arabic graffiti indicated that the colonel was not the first to find the chamber — and he realised that his discovery could open the way for a new generation of grave robbers. “As the sarcophagus would have been destroyed had it remained in the Pyramid,” he noted in his diaries, “I resolved to send it to the British Museum.”

So the fellow puts it on a ship, and the ship runs into a storm and sinks. For a few hundred years this sarcophagus has been resting at the bottom of the Mediterranean, and now they want to find it, and if anyone can, it'll be Ballard - that's just what he does.

However, knowing me, you know I can't just let it ride like that, so here's a few ideas.
1)Menkaure's mummy was missing when Vyse got there...it's implied that vandals took him, however, wouldn't that be the perfect ruse for a mummy? Paint some graffiti on the walls - make it look like he'd been stolen - and hide out in another secret pyramid chamber.

-or-

2)Menkaure was in the sarcophagus, Vyse new it and lied, and the mummy got pissed when being shipped away from his home, so he used his mummy powers to summon up a storm big enough to sink it...knowing in 200 years or so, his people would come looking for him, and bring him back.

-or-

3)Menkaure was in the sarcophagus, tricked Vyse into thinking he wasn't, because where on earth is a mummy safer - than in a museum? Looked after, preserved, protected...it's PERFECT! But, some agents - supernatural or otherwise, realized this act had to be stopped, and sank the ship. After all - who wants the third most powerful mummy in the world on the loose, or worse, TOTALLY PROTECTED AGAINST DESTRUCTION! Now, after 200 years, Menkaure has finally orchestrated his watery prison jail-break, and according to plan, will be found, pulled from the sea floor, and...PLACED IN A MUSEUM!

I'm going with #3, but feel free to draw your own conclusions.

The Big Bang...Universes...that kind of junk

So a week and a half ago, I saw this story on the Beeb, and was struck by the implications. Here's one of the munny quotes...

Dr Adrienne Erickcek, from the California Institute of Technology (Caltech), and colleagues now believe these fluctuations contain hints that our Universe "bubbled off" from a previous one.
(...)
Their model suggests that new universes could be created spontaneously from apparently empty space. From inside the parent universe, the event would be surprisingly unspectacular.

The problem was, I couldn't quite get my head around what this all ment...so I just dropped it. However, Warren Ellis has a nice take on it.

Getting Closer...

Got a couple of juicy stories I'll be posting about tomorrow...

Tune in then...
same fjord time
same fjord channel.

Not a lot on the intertubes...

Tonite to catch my attention. Maybe there's never that much out here, in the tubes. Maybe it's nothing but stupid stuff blown waaaay out of proportion. Or maybe it's just one of my virtual friends just showed up in real life on a whim, and I have to offer a very real experience to a very solid human, that up till now I've only ever known from digital packets.

And the latter, my fine friendly Fjordlings...is a moment I hope you all can experience. This internet thing is real don'tcha know. Sometimes when you reach towards the digital void, the digital void really physically reaches back...and fjucking grabs you!

Are you going to be ready if it actually happens?

Yaknow me...

I'm like nearly everyone...I try and like things, and I try hard to like people.

I'm almost always disappointed.

Common enough, methinks...I mean, I can't be the only one. Right?

Well, if you're in my camp on this one (you try and like things, and try hard to like people, and are almost always disappointed) this place is exactly what you need. Almost enough to restore your faith in everything.

In the Archives...

I just found May 2005 to be really interesting...like this little work of penmanship.

And that's just the tip 'o the iceburg. There's a heap more I've got to get thru just to finish the month. If I see anything else that's particularly noteworthy, I'll make sure to update this here post.

***Update***
Meng, the whole dang month is retardedly astounding! Howabout this little bit on lists?

Fairy Mummy!

Been meaning to post this for a while...

Rhino found this link...and sent it on so that we (your mummy-njews clearing house) could keep you up-to-date, on the vast array of mummies that are out there, ready to suck your soul dry. Looks like this one can fly...

The Continuing...

Exhibit "J"



And Exhibit "K"



Honestly, I dunno why I'm still doing this...it's like, hasn't the point been made already? Probly, but then again...

Exhibit "L"

There Will Be Another (one)

Friday lays in a hammock tied to the underside of a strangely bent palm tree, that reached out over the white sands of a beach, which gently fade under warm Caribbean Ocean waters. Mexican beer sits under him in a metal bucket filled with ice, placed strategically in the shadow of the trunk. One of the sweating bottles is in his hand, and he takes a swig as the sound of waves washing gently upon the beach gradually drive all of his crazy pondering thoughts away into nothing.

"Was Jesus a super awesome carpenter? Because Buddha and Mohammad were pretty well off kids. They took that leisure time to focus on transcending into demi-gods...or maybe even real Gods, but, how did J.C. fund forty-days and forty nights alone in the desert, his parents could only afford to give birth in a stable! He must have been pretty amazing working wood, in order to fund more than a month away from his workplace...was his shop still there when he came back?"

Whoosh - washed away. Somewhere a seagull cried twice, then another wave rolled up gently on the beach.

He had another sip of beer, and wondered about his own spiritual gravity. Were there Guardian Angels hovering about him as he lay in the hammock, or perhaps there were other spirits that shared an affection for his energy that were drawn to it like moths to light, keeping him safe? Were his ancestors about in spirit form, looking to keep him from harm? And did he owe them some sort of sacrifice to keep some, or all of them appeased?

Whoosh - washed away. Friday shifted his head, and just watched the gentle waves coming in. A brown seal* poked it's head out of the water, and looked about for a moment, before diving down...emerging twelve feet further along the coast to pop his head back up, and continue his observations. He then appeared to look straight at Friday appraising for a good long moment, then disappeared under the waters for good.

Friday rocked his hammock into a more pronounced swing, and drained the rest of his beverage. He tossed the empty bottle in a torqued spin, that landed directly (opening down) in an open spot near the edge of the ice-bucket full of beer. On his next swing, he reached down with his left arm, and grabbed a full bottle from the bucket. He raised himself from the waist for a brief moment to take a sip off the top of the new bottle - enough to assure he wouldn't spill on his chest, when he took another drink while fully reposed. Then he lay back.

What about Monday, and Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday...he pondered. Shouldn't they be part of...

Whoosh - the waves washed gently in, and it was gone.

Friday was past it. He realized that pondering here was impossible, and totally a waste of time. The hammock swung gently in the breeze off the sea. There was no point in thinking about anything except how gjoddang nice this place was. Even if he took this time to find something remarkable, it would be gone in five minutes, replaced with something else...

His head caught a flash of light-brown streaking from the sky, and then a splash in the water. A pelican emerged from the water, and finished swallowing a fish. "Isn't that nice." Thought Friday, "except if you were that fish I guess...that would suck."

Whoosh - the waves washed gently in, and it was gone.

The sun shone down - diffused by the palm's shadow, and it was nice. Friday had a sip of cold beer, and it was nice. A gentle cool breeze blew in from the sea, and it was nice. A cinnamon skinned waitress clad in a grass skirt walked up towards the beach towards his hammock, and it was awfully nice watching her move.

Whoosh - the waves washed gently in, and it was gone.

Friday wondered what he had been thinking about, as it seemed curiously satisfying at the time. He had a sip of beer, rocked in his hammock tied to the underside of a strangely bent palm tree, that reached out over the white sands of a beach, which gently fade under warm Caribbean Ocean waters. "Well, this is nice." He thought to himself. And that was the last thing he thought for a long while.

Happy Friday



*The author does not know if brown seals, or any seal's habitat includes the Caribbean Ocean, it just seemed like a really nice thing to add there.

Sommore Really Good Graffiti

Guy chops off heads of people in advertisements...wicked.

1000! (that's one fjuckin' thousand)

Special Message From The Casa Aloha: Fjord Corporate H.Q.





Receives as following:



Aloha!

Well now, that wasn't so hard, was it?

Since our humble beginnings on January 19th 2005, 'ole Fjord here has attracted 17,051 visitors, and 34,484 page views. Since then, we've also caused 14 dangerously violent riots, brokered a peace treaty between Micronesia and Java, sold 3,000 pairs of defective shoes to Paraguay, robbed a bank, using the proceeds to purchase five surplus Soviet tanks, and intervened in time to stop scientists from making a black hole (twice) and a sun on our fair planet. I am aware our record is something of a mixed bag, but it's been fun.

What's not so fun, is remembering those who have fallen in the service to Fjord. Over the span of three years, we've lost Mindfuck, Fjord Borg, and Q-dog to BBS (blogger burnout syndrome...(there should be a national day of mourning, it's happened to so many...one can only wonder where they are today, wandering the streets of some strange town-with the other homeless bloggers, digging thru trashcans looking for something to eat, shouting at fire hydrants and passing cars...minds destroyed by the all-consuming webmonster...but I digress)) Internet time is like dog-years which according to the numbers is like TWENTY FIVE YEARS! And boy, it does feel like it sometimes.

Anyways, as heartless as it sounds, I ain't got time to mourn the fallen. There's this (and another, and another) post to be written, and I'm the only one left to do it. So, here's some things I'm awfully proud of.

1)Spreading the word about the insidious mummy threat.
2)Keeping you abreast of Pirate news.
3)Informing everyone about the also insidious jellyfish threat.
4)Mister Pigglesworth and Mister Gimpson
5) Drunk Elephants
6)A ridiculously huge amount of great stuff in the archives. Only...from the early days there are plenty of busted links, and pulled You-tube videos...sigh...
7)A whole mass of Friday Posts - there's frikken 21 google pages of that shit!...Dang!
(please note that the previous links are best used by copying and pasting the actual link underneath the google listing you want to view...its a different color, and sadly, not a hyperlink - that's how google rolls)

And finally, I'd like to mention that it makes me awfully proud that some people actually come here specifically to read my stuff. Thanks! As sappy as it sounds in text, I really do appreciate it. In fact, it's the only reason I do this here stuff.

Well, that's it from the WCB of Fjord. I think I remember writing somewhere there are no trumpets that sound for important moments...ah yeah, here it is , I think I'll just let that one fill in for the proper ending to this post.

Aloha

-Tsunami-

Yaaay! Politics!

I dunno if you know the backstory, but last nite John McCain gave a speech to a few supporters, and he did it in front of a green background. Lots of people said the background made him look strange...

Sadly No, has this freaking hilarious post that you really gotta see.

Mad Scientist Type Stuff!

A fellow has built a 26 ton ball, that he's gonna fill with molten metal, and then spin for a while, to find out more about planetary magnetic fields. The full story and a cool little vid is over at NPR.

(Found by neatorama)


***Update***
Just found this digging around on reddit - NASA Makes Magnetic Fields Visible...it's mind blowingly cool!

Heh, I guess when it's on a platter

You just gotta serve it up. (Continuing from the previous post)

Prehistoric man may have executed rivals from neighbouring tribes to steal their women

Ahhh, women. Worth stealing since (at least) 7000 B.C.!

And in an amazing twist, a link off the side of that story takes us back to this little diddy from 2007 - Site used by man 5,000 years ago. What's the amazing twist? Well, howabout this...

Steve Speak, senior keeper of field archaeology for Tyne and Wear Museums, said: "Trying to make sense of all the various dates from the same site is a bit of a puzzle - it seems the spot was reoccupied almost continuously throughout the prehistoric period. "What isn't clear is what it was actually used for, it's not well enough preserved for us to say that it was a farmstead, a defensive site, a settlement or something more spiritual in nature.

Didn't I just write this...?
"Anyhoo - the point being, this shit's pretty neat...being almost entirely left to your imagination. Not one authority on the subject can't be brought low by a new discovery, but really new paradigm-shifting discoveries from the pre-historic age practically don't ever happen. So fjuck the experts, they know as much as you!"

Being so resoundingly backed-up a mere day later by the internets makes me feel as though I really hit upon a solid truth here. So much so that if you desire, I'll be happy to give you a (really crappy looking) CERTIFICATE OF EXPERTISE IN THE FIELD OF PRE-HISTORIC ARCHEOLOGY - FROM THE FJORDIAN (err...thinking quickly on the fly here) COUNCIL OF SCIENTIFIC INQUIRY! (yes, that will do nicely.)

Any takers?

So today I went all ancient-style

I mean super ancient-style! Like pre...we know nothin about nothin ancient.









(hopefully this stuff will be posted below these awesome photos - but with blogger ya never know.) (Oh-and please click to embiggify!)



Anyhoo - there's been a little action over at Stonehenge lately, and while that report wasn't so astounding, it was kinda neat. (and btw the timelapse video is totally worth watching.) What's more neat, is this little website called Stone Pages that gives a whole array of pre-historic monumental construction throughout Europe. (very be careful, you can get lost at this place for a long while)

Of their massive collection of places and sites, there is a tiny backstory that does very little to slake your desire for more knowledge of what you're looking at. Undoubtedly there is more info about specific places that you could find, but not much more. One of the great things about pre-history is that there is so very little to find out. What you see is what you get. The stuff that anyone finds in these places, regardless of sophisticated technological analysis, has been so reduced by time, that it's practically like analyzin' nature. I, like everybody, wants to know how people, who didn't even know what technology was, moved 70 ton stones hundreds of miles, to build something that has remained for 6000 years.

And why? Yea, the "why" is also a good question too. Must have been for a good reason, no? I seem to recall reading an arcticle about some practitioner of the Chinese art of Chi, (or perhaps more correctly, "Qi") who did a study of Europe (or England - can't recall) and found many of the important convergent spots of Chi energy had pre-historic structures built upon them. (A quick search of google and wikapedia couldn't find what I was looking for, but maybe more intrepid internet users might be more fruitful...if that's yer cuppa tea, lemme know.)


Anyhoo - the point being, this shit's pretty neat...being almost entirely left to your imagination. Not one authority on the subject can't be brought low by a new discovery, but really new paradigm-shifting discoveries from the pre-historic age practically don't ever happen. So fjuck the experts, they know as much as you! As fer Stonehenge, the common theory is that the massive blocks came from a quarry in South West Wales, dragged by sledges over rolling logs onto the Salisbury Plain, and then, by means unknown, placed in their current location. Of course, then there's this guy who just came up with a completely different, and more plausible explanation...





I don't buy into the "if you don't know history you are doomed to repeat it" school of thought, but I do know it's pretty interesting.

995

So listen, I know there have been a lot of things that have happened this week - to all of us! But I really do have to emphasize that THIS WEEK, we learned there was whale bacon!

It's not every day, or even every week that whale bacon comes along...I'm just sayin.


(oh, and yeah the title is dead on. In 5 more, we'll be at 1000 posts here @ fjord. I did a little piece speculating about creating a blog right here...and for no good reason I gave up all my secrets as to how to write a really astounding blog post over here.)

Yes, I think everyone can take something away with them this week.

Whale Bacon!

Is Firday?

So hell fjordian minions, I dig it's Friday and alls, but I alzo been writin' a big chunka' the day, and really am aboot to stop draggin' my finders (err...typo, wuz suppozed to be fingers) over this here key-bored! However, since you stopped by...I'll leave yas wid a chunka da eggspanded Pigglesworth and Gimpson tale I'm workin' on.

(P.S. It's the second part of the last P&G story I wrote - like two weeks ago...)


Moments later they passed through Clarendon Square in a cold rain, stepping over puddles, and forcing their way through a mass of umbrellas and glum-faced workers on the sidewalk, who hurried towards home or some other warm locale. Not long after they were on Seymore Street, and hurrying towards the worn doors of a dirty stone building. Of course, describing the two doors Pigglesworth and Gimpson were hurrying towards as “worn” is an understatemnent. They had, after decades of use, been polished down to the bare wood by countless passing hands. There was not a fleck of paint within four feet of the handles, and inches of wood had been brushed away into smooth dimples, where one might find their hands naturally moving towards in order to open the portal. If one had done such a thing, one would have found the oak doors had become so smooth that it felt like balsa-wood to the touch. Of course, this was when it wasn’t wet.

Above and around the two doors, was an arch of massive granite blocks. Whether the
arch was ornamental, or entirely structural was a secret unknown to those who lived in the place, or frequented it. However, bolted to the huge key-stone of the arch was a rusty iron pole that projected out more than five feet. Fastened to it with chains, was a dripping sign that swung in the breeze with random squeaks, reading “Boddington & Son Billiard Room & Public House.”
Pigglesworth moved up the three steps to the door, and pulled it open. Gimpson, mere feet behind his companion, dashed through the opening first. Seconds later they were removing their overcoats and hats, placing them on overflowing hooks and coat-trees positioned near the door. They had barely completed the task, and turned towards the bar, when a grizzled sailor stepped directly in front of them. He had short gray hair stuck on a head some six feet-four off the ground. Under that was an ugly face that had seen many ugly things, and a body that was formed from years of hard labor, and capable of a few years more. He jabbed a huge finger into Pigglesworth’s chest.

“Well, if it isn’t Lieutenant Pigglesworth! I’ve got more than a few scores to settle with you from the H.M.S. Swift, and I’ll begin the accounting right now!”

With that, he formed a powerful fist as he pulled his arm back. Before he could continue his assult, there was a solid “thunk” whereupon a confused look passed his eyes, and he fell straight down to the floor, crashing upon his rump where he sat, reaching up to feel the back of his head. Behind him was reviealed all five-foot two of young Peter Boddington, who brandished a thick bottle in his hand.
“Ere then!” He said down to the sailor, “We don’t go for louts like you assultin’ our regular customers, much less good ones like Mister Pigglesworth and Mister Gimpson. So take your hide elsewere, or I’ll give ya another drubbing!” He pasued with the bottle poised in his hand, waiting to see what the sailor would do. The sailor continued to rub his head in confusion.
“GO ON THEN!” Peter said much louder.

The sailor moved unsteadily to his feet, and turned towards the door. He had however, either a very powerful grudge, or had decided he wasn’t going to take being humiliated in public by a 17 year-old boy. He spun quickly spun around – throwing a fist in a wide hook towards Peter’s head. In a heartbeat, Peter slipped inside the punch, and with a short overhand clubbing motion, smacked the sailor promptly in the face with the bottle. He fell backwards to the floor, and didn’t move. Peter turned back to Pigglesworth and Gimpson.

“Never you mind about him. I’ll take care of it. It’s a pleasure to see you again. Oh, that reminds me…father was just over at the bar chatting with some fellow and he says – not to me at the time, I was just passing through with some mugs, but I overhears him say, “What a pity my friend Mister Gimpson isn’t here, why he’s a man of science.” If he’s still there, you should say hello, I sure he would be happy to see you.” With that, he turned around without awaiting a single word, and with surprising strength, picked the huge sailor off the floor by the scruff of his neck – and back of his jacket, and heaved him through the doors, into the street.
“Jolly good show.” Said Pigglesworth to Peter, as they moved towards the bar.
“Why I enjoy coming here,” Said Gimpson, “always feel safe.”

This One's Fun!

Cracked has a post of the top five most bad-assed Presidents of all time. Super entertaining.

Speaking of Smart...

This blog sure ain't been in the mensa level lately...

but I will present you with exhibit "I"

Haha! I thought this one was "The Amazing Intelligence of Cows!"

It's "The Amazing Intelligence of Crows"

(I'll say this much...I do like the TED series, but if they can't get a frikken video imbed to work in a stupid blog, they ain't doin' somethin' right. Please see below and follow the link.)

here's the link.

However, here's the "amazing intelligence of cows." I give you Exhibit "H"

There's a Buncha "TED" Videos Around

I caught this one yesterday, and I thought it was funny - and probably worth hearing. It appears their embed code is botched-up, so if the player don't play, follow this link. Kay?

***Update*** it don't play, so I removed it (and the proceeding). But it's a nice lecture that's about twice as entertaining as the "crows" bit, about urban space.

Exhibit "G"

Continuing the continuing of the continuing. Henceforth will be only referred to as "the continuing."

Ahhh yes...time for a little story about Mars!

Here's a shot of the Phoenix lander heading thru the martian atmosphere, about to do some sciencey crap. The shot was taken by the Mars Reconnissance Orbiter - which makes this photo super-duper cool, cause it's the first time a spaceprobe has been photographed landing ON ANOTHER PLANET! Thas purtty dope meng.


Anyhoo - over here is the mission homepage (with the link direct to the recent images - it's only been there for a day) but it's pretty much worth lookin' at. So anywise, not too long ago I went to JPL for an open house, which had some uber-cool stuff - and ended up talking to a guy who was...what the hell was he? Something like, "I'm the manager of onboard systems operations." (That's a really rough guess...) The guy was such an awesome geek - like a true rocket-scientist, he was more than happy to talk about stuff - and I was more than happy to ask questions and listen to the answers (which was also true of the guys who worked with the (two) Mars rovers that are already there, and the guy who was showing off the next-gen rover that was a bad-assed robot. (And when I say bad-assed robot, I dooo know what I'm talking about) Well, to get back to my story, I asked the Phoenix dude what his favorite tool or sensor was on his space probe. He responded with a giant grin, and saying he had two. One was the claw arm which would dig thru the martian soil, and the other was a sensor which would analize the samples (which he/they hoped would have ice) that would be dug up by the claw, and hopefully detect life, which, he continued, would be really exciting.

To this I responded, "Unless it's a virus that turns humans into zombies, and we can never go there!" He paused for a second, processing what I just said, and then we all cracked up. I wished him luck, and I'm sure he's having the time of his life right now. Anyhoo - here's a couple of pic's of the moment.















(Both snaps by Victoria!)

Well, that's my anecdote about the Phoenix. I have another space-probe story right here which is pretty amusing. If you want the short version...here's the most important bits in a short video.

There are two things that are super great about this...

One...the actual headline. Japan to probe whale meat 'theft'

Two...this buried deep in the story

"...Instead, it contained prized "unesu" meat used to make whale bacon."

Fjuckin' WHALE BACON! ! !

There are no words. None. Okay, mebby there's two.

WHALE BACON!

A Couple More Fjrom The Archjives!

A Friday post With Albert Finney!

Sam's Scepter Warehouse (2005)

Skewerburger, Skullcracker, Fishmonger and Brick. Fjordian Lawyers in action (2005)

Well, there goes the neighborhood...a short, short story (2005 - and in my opinion, one o' the best things I ever dropped on Fjord)

Somthing really nice...edited so there's no chaff. (2005)

P.S. - I'd really like to thank whoever visited at 6:42 from Dallas, TX for bringing me back to November '05. There is some savory postage buried in the archives...

Back to the Continuing...

Submitted for your approval. Exhibit's "E" and "F"





And since it appears our pal Rhino's been watching this one kinda' close...here's a video extra of one of those mothafjucka's in action!
-BTW- a group of Rhino's is called a crash. Use that in your next conversation.

Just Another Great Thing...

From the Archives~!

It's an old Ze Frank episode, that's quite worth the three minutes it'll take you to watch it.
Click Here!








Seriously, even the Pope can't believe how much great stuff is over there! I can't, and I wrote most of it! Go Look!

Howabout We Gets The Hell Outta Dodge?

There's more paradise for yer eyes (or vacation plans) over here.

Conveyances

So there's this super-great article in the New Yorker about elevators. Such a take-for-granted slice of modern-day life, that you barely notice. Yet, without them the skyscraper as we know it would not exist. It's really worth reading.

Anyhoo this topic was pretty useful in shifting the conversation to a more exposed (and I want to say "elegant" but I understand this might be a subjective statement) conveyance - the escalator.
You might remember (tho probly not) I had done a little research into a hit-man character, who killed people by staging elevator and escalator accidents. Anyways, a couple more things have come down the pipe in the last coupla' days, which are sort-of relevant. Like there's this bit from the NYT about their new subway escalators. (I'm not sure how long their links last, so I'll just paste this juicy bit...

"On the morning of August 28, Lisa Chiou, 33, got off a subway train at the Bowling Green station in Lower Manhattan and got on an escalator that would carry her up and out of the station to Broadway. She placed her right foot (she was wearing flip-flops) on the lowest step, and as the escalator rose, she put her left foot on the step below it.

Except all of a sudden, there was no next step. There was a crash, and Ms. Chiou looked down to see that the escalator step that had been under her left foot had fallen out of the machine. It sheared off three more steps below it, and Ms. Chiou found herself slipping backward into the void.

“It was literally a split second,” Ms. Chiou recalled. “My left foot was still on that step when it fell in. My foot sank in with it, and I just kind of pulled my leg back out. So I got scraped by the metal and stuff.”

Ms. Chiou managed to stumble up the still-moving escalator and make her way to the top. She had a small cut on her leg that required two stitches. “If one foot wasn’t on a sure step,” she said, “I would have fallen in, and I would have been eaten up by the escalator.” "

Yep - That's pretty much what I envisioned my hitman doing. Who would suspect an escalator step of just vanishing into a void and eating up a person? "A horrible accident..." the authorities would say, while the assassin twirls his moustache in the shadows, laughing.

Well, shortly after (or before...internet time gets confjusing) there was a nice article over at Pruned on the worlds longest escalator system. So, that about wraps it from this end.

***EXCEPT***

This does remind me I dooo have to make a note of the dangers of wearing "flip-flops" I disprove of those things...for a variety of reasons.

Eclipses! Sure, why not?

There's enough sciencey goodness packed into this article it'll make (casting around madly for a similie) err, a chocolate truffle taste like angel-food cake! (Yay! Tastes like, success!)

"Stuart Eves thinks that demonstrating a role for infrasound might explain some other puzzling phenomena associated with eclipses.

For example, long period Foucault pendulums - designed to demonstrate the rotation of the Earth - have been known to swing wildly during eclipses."

...And Exhibit "D."

Meng, I haven't even started trying yet!

Continuing the Continuing...

Here's another wonderful example:



Exhibit "C"

Continuing Our Exploration Into the Similarities of

Cows and Kangaroos...I present...exhibit "B"



I'm beginning to grasp we are going to need most of the alphabet's worth of exhibits in order to get to the bottom of this.

Here's A story I came across...

That I liked a lot.

Something familiar about the tone, methinks.

(gonna read summore of the guys stuff - will letcha know what I think.)


***Update***
Yeah, the Ed Stories series is pretty fun.

Today, I'm powerful sad.

This here link was right up my alley.

If you ain't powerful sad, the link might make you so. So mebby you shouldn't, yaknow?

After that sexy story...I'll bet you want more sexy!

Well hells bells...I gots the Sexy right here! Don't need no boy-band castout to bring it back fer me!

May is National Masturbation Month!

I'm just a little peeved I didn't find out about it until now. However, there is still 15 days left in the month, and that's plenty of time to get in on...err, how do you say, ah yes...the sexy!

Here's Something From the Archives

I figger I'll just put this little piece back up, for those of you not with us in '06. And if you were, I think you'll be happy to see it again.

















***

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Some Thursday Night Lite Fiction For Youse

She didn't seem like the kind of girl who would rip the legs off of a
cricket. But then again, how well do you know anyone? The incident
happened shortly after I was fired from my sex-line phone-chat job.
I'm not going to say I was good at it, or even that I liked it. But,
loosing that job put me into a state of unease over my liquidity.

Since I didn't have any prospects, and there are only four things I
hate more than daytime teevee, (tuna, cockroaches, acid burns, and phone
companies, ohh, and clowns. Okay - five things...maybe more - never
really thought about it until now.)

Anyways, for fun I would go down to the more seedy districts of the
metropolis - and meander around the bums and muggers, and con-men.
This gave me a marginal thrill, since I knew even if I got rolled or taken,
I really had so little to loose that it would be far cheaper than going
to a movie.

So around there one afternoon, I bumped into her coming out of one of
those falling down hotels that might have been nice back in the day.
She had the look in her face like she wasn't in a hurry to get
to her destination, and I wasn't going anywhere - so we started
talking.

After a walking who knows where, talking about crazy shit like black
holes, urban renewal, micro-climates, and good war movies, we ended up
back at her hotel room with a cheap bottle of wine, or whisky or
something that tasted awful, peeled skin off the inside of your
stomach, and did a number on your brain-pan. That was the beginning of what
became a bi-weekly ritual. It wasn't like it was an amorous thing, it
was just that she was nice to me, and I like it when people are nice to
me. Plus, there was that whole daytime teevee thing.

About two weeks down the line another fellow started showing up at her
place, with the name of Rex Bowen. I don't know if she knew him from before, or if she met him after me, but it was her place, and she could invite in whoever she wanted. But Rex couldn't talk in a conversation if his life depended on it.

Rex wasn't all that bad of a guy, but he had annoying streaks. Like he'd come in all strung out on meth, and then drink some of our drink and start singing show-tunes, or worse, lousy renditions of Deep Purple and Motorhead. I didn't think much of it, cause she kept on opening the door for him when he came around, I just got ready to cringe whenever he came by.

Anyways this one time he comes in - lit up like an electrical storm - and grabs the bottle, slams down a good fourth of it, and then begins singing this ridiculous made-up tune that went something like this.

Motion picture
Mo-tion Pic-ture
I wanna be in a motion picture...
motion
picture...
motion
picture
I wanna be in a motion picture...

Well, from out of nowhere this girl shouts out at the top of her lungs - and I mean a real scream,
"REX YOU RETARDED DOOF! SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

Only Rex was waaay too into his song to care. I mean, he was feeling the groove. Swaying around the room with a bottle in one hand, and his other clenched around an air microphone.

Mo-tion Pic-ture
Mo-tion Pic-ture
I wanna be in a motion picture...lalalala

So she came up from his side, and from out of nowhere, latched a handcuff around the wrist that had the bottle. And with shocking strength, pulled him straight to the iron bedframe - at least 10 feet away, and locked the other bracelet around a big pole. The big doof barely even noticed. He just kept on singing his damn stupid song.

I wanna be in a motion picture.

"Rex," she said loudly and clearly. "If you don't shut up right now, I'm going to pull off your legs." He really didn't hear her. Or else, he really didn't believe her. That was, in my opinion, his mistake.

She got up, and went into a closet. She dragged out a large, and very heavy cardboard box. In the middle of the room, she opened it, and pulled out a big winch - like the kind you see on the front of heavy Army trucks. She carried it into the bathroom, which was sort of kitty-corner from the bed. There were some clanking noises that came from in there. Then she came out with a cable, and wrapped it around Rex's legs. Rex was still lost in song.

Mo-tion pic-ture, mo-tion, picture, motion picture, I wanna be in a...

"I'll show you a fucking motion picture." She said, walked into the bathroom, and the next thing I knew there was the sound of mechanical grating, and the cable got tighter. Rex stopped singing, and started screaming. I watched as his pants got tighter around his legs,
and his body began to straighten out - pulled from the one arm handcuffed to the
bed rail, and his legs wrapped around a winch cable. I decided it would be best if I didn't watch the rest.

When I opened my eyes, the bed was across the room, Rex was pouring blood from two stumps where his legs used to be, and she was covered in blood from head to toe. She said,
"How's that for a goddamn motion picture."
I paused for a second, and spoke,
"I think we're going to need more booze. I'll go get some. Start figuring out how to clean this shit up." I stood up and headed for the door.
"Yeah," She said, "that sounds like a good idea. I sure can't go out for anything!" She cackled madly as I walked out.

I walked away from the scene, never intending to buy her, or us anything ever again. She was a nice girl. She didn't seem like the kind of girl who would rip the legs off of a cricket. God, did I just think "cricket?" I must not be in the right frame of mind after just going through all that. She didn't seem like the kind of girl who would rip the legs off of a man. But then again, how well do you know anyone?

In Regards To The Tuesday Blimp Post Comments...

Which I notice, not many have decided to participate in. There was an educational bit from our pal Rhino, that went something along the lines of this...

Re roos, I think they can claw people and kick people but they are quite docile.

eg. Driving down a ountry road at night there was 15-20 of them lounging about. So they see the car, tey don't even move, you can virtually run over their tales before they shift, like cows I guess.

As a further learning aid, I would like you to watch this mere 15 second yoo-tube clip, Re: Cows.