A Couple More Fjrom The Archjives!

A Friday post With Albert Finney!

Sam's Scepter Warehouse (2005)

Skewerburger, Skullcracker, Fishmonger and Brick. Fjordian Lawyers in action (2005)

Well, there goes the neighborhood...a short, short story (2005 - and in my opinion, one o' the best things I ever dropped on Fjord)

Somthing really nice...edited so there's no chaff. (2005)

P.S. - I'd really like to thank whoever visited at 6:42 from Dallas, TX for bringing me back to November '05. There is some savory postage buried in the archives...

Back to the Continuing...

Submitted for your approval. Exhibit's "E" and "F"





And since it appears our pal Rhino's been watching this one kinda' close...here's a video extra of one of those mothafjucka's in action!
-BTW- a group of Rhino's is called a crash. Use that in your next conversation.

Just Another Great Thing...

From the Archives~!

It's an old Ze Frank episode, that's quite worth the three minutes it'll take you to watch it.
Click Here!








Seriously, even the Pope can't believe how much great stuff is over there! I can't, and I wrote most of it! Go Look!

Howabout We Gets The Hell Outta Dodge?

There's more paradise for yer eyes (or vacation plans) over here.

Conveyances

So there's this super-great article in the New Yorker about elevators. Such a take-for-granted slice of modern-day life, that you barely notice. Yet, without them the skyscraper as we know it would not exist. It's really worth reading.

Anyhoo this topic was pretty useful in shifting the conversation to a more exposed (and I want to say "elegant" but I understand this might be a subjective statement) conveyance - the escalator.
You might remember (tho probly not) I had done a little research into a hit-man character, who killed people by staging elevator and escalator accidents. Anyways, a couple more things have come down the pipe in the last coupla' days, which are sort-of relevant. Like there's this bit from the NYT about their new subway escalators. (I'm not sure how long their links last, so I'll just paste this juicy bit...

"On the morning of August 28, Lisa Chiou, 33, got off a subway train at the Bowling Green station in Lower Manhattan and got on an escalator that would carry her up and out of the station to Broadway. She placed her right foot (she was wearing flip-flops) on the lowest step, and as the escalator rose, she put her left foot on the step below it.

Except all of a sudden, there was no next step. There was a crash, and Ms. Chiou looked down to see that the escalator step that had been under her left foot had fallen out of the machine. It sheared off three more steps below it, and Ms. Chiou found herself slipping backward into the void.

“It was literally a split second,” Ms. Chiou recalled. “My left foot was still on that step when it fell in. My foot sank in with it, and I just kind of pulled my leg back out. So I got scraped by the metal and stuff.”

Ms. Chiou managed to stumble up the still-moving escalator and make her way to the top. She had a small cut on her leg that required two stitches. “If one foot wasn’t on a sure step,” she said, “I would have fallen in, and I would have been eaten up by the escalator.” "

Yep - That's pretty much what I envisioned my hitman doing. Who would suspect an escalator step of just vanishing into a void and eating up a person? "A horrible accident..." the authorities would say, while the assassin twirls his moustache in the shadows, laughing.

Well, shortly after (or before...internet time gets confjusing) there was a nice article over at Pruned on the worlds longest escalator system. So, that about wraps it from this end.

***EXCEPT***

This does remind me I dooo have to make a note of the dangers of wearing "flip-flops" I disprove of those things...for a variety of reasons.

Eclipses! Sure, why not?

There's enough sciencey goodness packed into this article it'll make (casting around madly for a similie) err, a chocolate truffle taste like angel-food cake! (Yay! Tastes like, success!)

"Stuart Eves thinks that demonstrating a role for infrasound might explain some other puzzling phenomena associated with eclipses.

For example, long period Foucault pendulums - designed to demonstrate the rotation of the Earth - have been known to swing wildly during eclipses."

...And Exhibit "D."

Meng, I haven't even started trying yet!

Continuing the Continuing...

Here's another wonderful example:



Exhibit "C"

Continuing Our Exploration Into the Similarities of

Cows and Kangaroos...I present...exhibit "B"



I'm beginning to grasp we are going to need most of the alphabet's worth of exhibits in order to get to the bottom of this.

Here's A story I came across...

That I liked a lot.

Something familiar about the tone, methinks.

(gonna read summore of the guys stuff - will letcha know what I think.)


***Update***
Yeah, the Ed Stories series is pretty fun.

Today, I'm powerful sad.

This here link was right up my alley.

If you ain't powerful sad, the link might make you so. So mebby you shouldn't, yaknow?

After that sexy story...I'll bet you want more sexy!

Well hells bells...I gots the Sexy right here! Don't need no boy-band castout to bring it back fer me!

May is National Masturbation Month!

I'm just a little peeved I didn't find out about it until now. However, there is still 15 days left in the month, and that's plenty of time to get in on...err, how do you say, ah yes...the sexy!

Here's Something From the Archives

I figger I'll just put this little piece back up, for those of you not with us in '06. And if you were, I think you'll be happy to see it again.

















***

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Some Thursday Night Lite Fiction For Youse

She didn't seem like the kind of girl who would rip the legs off of a
cricket. But then again, how well do you know anyone? The incident
happened shortly after I was fired from my sex-line phone-chat job.
I'm not going to say I was good at it, or even that I liked it. But,
loosing that job put me into a state of unease over my liquidity.

Since I didn't have any prospects, and there are only four things I
hate more than daytime teevee, (tuna, cockroaches, acid burns, and phone
companies, ohh, and clowns. Okay - five things...maybe more - never
really thought about it until now.)

Anyways, for fun I would go down to the more seedy districts of the
metropolis - and meander around the bums and muggers, and con-men.
This gave me a marginal thrill, since I knew even if I got rolled or taken,
I really had so little to loose that it would be far cheaper than going
to a movie.

So around there one afternoon, I bumped into her coming out of one of
those falling down hotels that might have been nice back in the day.
She had the look in her face like she wasn't in a hurry to get
to her destination, and I wasn't going anywhere - so we started
talking.

After a walking who knows where, talking about crazy shit like black
holes, urban renewal, micro-climates, and good war movies, we ended up
back at her hotel room with a cheap bottle of wine, or whisky or
something that tasted awful, peeled skin off the inside of your
stomach, and did a number on your brain-pan. That was the beginning of what
became a bi-weekly ritual. It wasn't like it was an amorous thing, it
was just that she was nice to me, and I like it when people are nice to
me. Plus, there was that whole daytime teevee thing.

About two weeks down the line another fellow started showing up at her
place, with the name of Rex Bowen. I don't know if she knew him from before, or if she met him after me, but it was her place, and she could invite in whoever she wanted. But Rex couldn't talk in a conversation if his life depended on it.

Rex wasn't all that bad of a guy, but he had annoying streaks. Like he'd come in all strung out on meth, and then drink some of our drink and start singing show-tunes, or worse, lousy renditions of Deep Purple and Motorhead. I didn't think much of it, cause she kept on opening the door for him when he came around, I just got ready to cringe whenever he came by.

Anyways this one time he comes in - lit up like an electrical storm - and grabs the bottle, slams down a good fourth of it, and then begins singing this ridiculous made-up tune that went something like this.

Motion picture
Mo-tion Pic-ture
I wanna be in a motion picture...
motion
picture...
motion
picture
I wanna be in a motion picture...

Well, from out of nowhere this girl shouts out at the top of her lungs - and I mean a real scream,
"REX YOU RETARDED DOOF! SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

Only Rex was waaay too into his song to care. I mean, he was feeling the groove. Swaying around the room with a bottle in one hand, and his other clenched around an air microphone.

Mo-tion Pic-ture
Mo-tion Pic-ture
I wanna be in a motion picture...lalalala

So she came up from his side, and from out of nowhere, latched a handcuff around the wrist that had the bottle. And with shocking strength, pulled him straight to the iron bedframe - at least 10 feet away, and locked the other bracelet around a big pole. The big doof barely even noticed. He just kept on singing his damn stupid song.

I wanna be in a motion picture.

"Rex," she said loudly and clearly. "If you don't shut up right now, I'm going to pull off your legs." He really didn't hear her. Or else, he really didn't believe her. That was, in my opinion, his mistake.

She got up, and went into a closet. She dragged out a large, and very heavy cardboard box. In the middle of the room, she opened it, and pulled out a big winch - like the kind you see on the front of heavy Army trucks. She carried it into the bathroom, which was sort of kitty-corner from the bed. There were some clanking noises that came from in there. Then she came out with a cable, and wrapped it around Rex's legs. Rex was still lost in song.

Mo-tion pic-ture, mo-tion, picture, motion picture, I wanna be in a...

"I'll show you a fucking motion picture." She said, walked into the bathroom, and the next thing I knew there was the sound of mechanical grating, and the cable got tighter. Rex stopped singing, and started screaming. I watched as his pants got tighter around his legs,
and his body began to straighten out - pulled from the one arm handcuffed to the
bed rail, and his legs wrapped around a winch cable. I decided it would be best if I didn't watch the rest.

When I opened my eyes, the bed was across the room, Rex was pouring blood from two stumps where his legs used to be, and she was covered in blood from head to toe. She said,
"How's that for a goddamn motion picture."
I paused for a second, and spoke,
"I think we're going to need more booze. I'll go get some. Start figuring out how to clean this shit up." I stood up and headed for the door.
"Yeah," She said, "that sounds like a good idea. I sure can't go out for anything!" She cackled madly as I walked out.

I walked away from the scene, never intending to buy her, or us anything ever again. She was a nice girl. She didn't seem like the kind of girl who would rip the legs off of a cricket. God, did I just think "cricket?" I must not be in the right frame of mind after just going through all that. She didn't seem like the kind of girl who would rip the legs off of a man. But then again, how well do you know anyone?

In Regards To The Tuesday Blimp Post Comments...

Which I notice, not many have decided to participate in. There was an educational bit from our pal Rhino, that went something along the lines of this...

Re roos, I think they can claw people and kick people but they are quite docile.

eg. Driving down a ountry road at night there was 15-20 of them lounging about. So they see the car, tey don't even move, you can virtually run over their tales before they shift, like cows I guess.

As a further learning aid, I would like you to watch this mere 15 second yoo-tube clip, Re: Cows.

It's Official, God Loves Aliens More Than Humans!

FROM THE VATICAN!

Seriously...sometimes people say funny things. This particular person happens to be Father Funes, director of the Vatican Observatory - and this is his line...

"Just as there are multiple forms of life on earth, so there could exist intelligent beings in outer space created by God. And some aliens could even be free from original sin, he speculates."

Yes...because Gjod has a beef with the HUMANS! Mebee it was cause we ate his sacred fruits, and later turned them into a successful cash crop. Whatever the reason, it doesn't seem fair to me, when some extraterrestrial being (probably with a fetish for invasive probing (wait, ain't that a sin too? Dang this gets complicated)) gets off scott-free.

Well, I guess I shouldn't really take this news item to the next level like this, especially when there's a news item like this that's gotten practically no coverage at all in the national/world media.

At the risk of angering the Volcano Gods again...

I do have to let you know...

Yesterday, I caught something out of the corner of my eye, outside my office window directy outside the Casa Aloha. Something unusual, and big was hanging in the sky. I looked out, and had to take a Gjoddang picture, because this shit is starting to get unbelieveable. Seriously. (clicking will embiggify to a horrifying extent!)

Seaplanes and Flying Boats

I dunno why, but I have quite a fascination with flying boats. In fact, my home is mostly decorated with vintage travel posters for the Pan Am Flying Clippers from the 30's...like this one.














Anyhoo, while casting around to find some daytrip destinations around my fair burg, I discovered there was a seaplane base out in Long Beach, which led me to this super great site for amphibious planes that went from L.A. to Catalina Island (which is...I dunno 15 or 20 miles off the Southern California coast) back in the day. Some really neat stuff over there if you like the old-timey glamour of air travel.

Here's some extra shots of a Pan Am Clipper I found somwhere on the webmonster a while ago, and then forgot I had until just now.

Veekend Video Extra

Flight of the Conchords




And this one about basketball...from a ways back.

Since I'm not positive that's the last thing I wanna leave you with

I'll just re-post this one that might have gotten lost in the multi-media extravaganza over the last week or two. It is super great.

Great Moments Are Far Between

"That is the real problem," Friday said, "There are too many moments."
"What?" Said Wednesday.
"Moments." Friday repeated, "There are too many of them."
"Well," Tuesday said, his head popping down from a concrete tunnel above them, that joined the larger storm-drain pipe where the weekdays were walking. "For an immortal weekday, that's sort of irrelevant." He swung himself down to land in a splash in the dirty water in front of the gathered weekdays. "Anyways," he continued, "Like we thought that tunnel just goes to a surface drain."

They continued walking - each had small headlamps which cast beams of light crazily about the tunnel. Occasional rats scurried out of their way. As they moved forward, the concrete tunnel joined a much older drain made of ancient moss covered brick.

Thursday noticed something. "Thank Gjod, a walkway. I'm glad the invitation suggested a change of shoes and socks!" He pulled himself up out of the shin-deep water, and was quickly followed by the others. There was a slightly amusing scene as five immortal weekdays took off their shoes, and socks, reached into packs and bags, and replaced them with fresh and dry footwear. Thursday had finished the act before the others, and picked up the original conversational thread. "I don't think the problem is too many moments. I'm pretty sure the problem is too many of those moments suck."

"Yeah." Said Tuesday, "And how long exactly is a moment?"
"No more than a half-hour." Said Wednesday.
"Half-hour!" Exclaimed Friday, putting the finishing touches on the bow of the laces on a stylish pair of Stacy Adams shoes.
"What? " Said Wednesday with some force, "That's the most common smallest time increment. Are you really saying people measure time in quarter-hours?"
"No." Friday said, standing up. "But moments are faster than time can measure."
"Or slower." Monday added.
"Or slower." Friday agreed.
"Pearl Harbor happened in a moment...I'd guess it was longer than 15 minutes." Thursday stated.
"Probly seemed a lot longer than that for the guys getting bombed and torpedoed."
"And the 9-11 attacks on the trade towers..." Quipped Tuesday, "Pretty fast. But was that a moment? I guess it probably was."
"Titanic sank in a moment..." Stated Monday.
"200,000 people died in the '05 Tsunami...in just a moment."

Wednesday began moving down the walkway, tired of the banter. "Come on, we've still got to get to find this party, and it could be miles from here."

"Not according to the flyer." Tuesday said hopefully, playing his headlamp onto a crumpled piece of paper in his hands. He read the text outloud. "Seven hundred meters from the drain opening at the river...it says."

They all began following.

Friday spoke. "See that's what I'm talking about."

"What? That we've travelled four hundred meters down a dirty stormdrain pipe in just moments?" Snapped Monday.
"No, all those moments you just brought up are bad moments!" The tunnel echoed with his voice and their footsteps as they continued their journey. "But what about all the good times? Those just lasted moments too - but nobody brings up the time we jumped the Pacific Ocean in rocket cars, wiped out a bunch of evil time controlling scientists, or met a talking rhinoceros in a bar!"

"Hang on." Said Wednesday in front of them. "There's a junction up here!"

The Weekdays all crowded around the end of the tunnel, which ended sharply at a huge chamber, where a number of huge tunnels converged, dumping trickles of water high above a massive pool of water twelve feet below. From across the room, on the water, a zodiac motored towards them, disturbing the water with crazy wakes, that sent a kaleidoscope of reflections across the chamber roof from their headlights. In a moment the zodiac was underneath them, and a man at the motor called up.

"Are you here for the party?"

"No." Spat Monday, "We just decided we'd walk down a stinky storm drain for fun and..."

He was cut off by Thursday.
"Yeah we are! Couldn't miss the Subterranean Catacomb Fiesta!"

"Okay then. Follow those steps down to water level - and I'll get you there." He pointed to a staircase carved into the wall, that disappeared into the water. They all began descending as the man moved his boat closer."

"I'm not knocking moments..." Friday said, finishing his thought before they got to the bottom step, "I'm just knocking the fact that the bad ones always seem so memorable."

Thursday stopped with a moment of realization. "And why are there so few...really good moments?!"

"Huh." Said Wednesday, getting into the boat. "It's almost like they hardly happen at all."

"That's what I'm saying," Said Friday, waiting for the rest to get into the boat. "Unless you're ready to live, expecting bad things to happen, you're going to be disappointed...a lot. That's pretty fjucked up."

"But..." Said Tuesday, sitting in the boat, "If you're always looking for a bad moment to happen, might that imply you're overlooking anything that happens that's good?"

"Yes." Said Friday, stepping onto the zodiac. "That's why I say there are too many moments. I choose to look for the good ones, and am constantly disappointed."

"You won't be disappointed." Said the man at the outboard engine of the zodiac. He turned the boat away from the brick wall, and sped across the chamber. He shouted more to be heard over the motor. "In fact, I'm pretty sure you'll find tonight...a moment to remember.



Happy Friday