How Popular Are/Were you?

Don't leave here without going here,
http://babynamewizard.com/namevoyager/lnv0105.html

this is the reason the internets were invented. Just type your name above the graph...the rest is...well, just go and type your name.

Comments are fixed!

Sorry, I had the comments set on "registered only" but now, any random reader can drop us a note. So if you're a random reader...this means you! Drop us a note, damnit!

HOLY RAMPAGING GIANT COCKS GNAT-MAN!

Continuing cultural awareness Wednesday…

Kung Hay Fat Choy

It’s the year of the Cock!

It’s, I mean, the Chinese New Year, the year of the Rooster, but here at Fjord we’ve instantly taken a liking to the alternate pronunciation, “Year of the Cock.” After snooping through the confidential personnel files at Fjord H.R., I’ve turned up this juicy factoid for you celebrity news junkies. Someone on the staff of Fjord is a Cock! I’m not going to name names to protect the innocent, but here’s a hint, his name starts with “Q.”

Anyways, I’m not of Chinese descent, or really know anything about the Chinese’s long and ancient history. But, I do love any kind of future-prediction framework, and the Chinese Zodiac is just such a deal-i-o.

The Year of the Cock…here’s some details, from an on-line encyclopedia…

2005: Year of the Rooster

The Rooster is the strutting peacock of the Chinese Zodiac. These quick thinkers are practical and resourceful, preferring to stick to what is tried and true rather than taking messy, unnecessary risks. Roosters are keenly observant. It's hard to slip anything past a Rooster, since they seem to have eyes in the backs of their heads! This quality can lead others to think the Rooster is psychic. This Sign enjoys a keen attention to detail that makes it a whiz at anything requiring close analysis. Roosters make great lawyers, brain surgeons and accountants, to name a few of this Sign's possible occupations. Above all else, the Rooster is very straightforward and rewards others' honesty in kind.


I’m not sure what this has to do with a year…it sounds more like what a cock’s personality is like (like, umm a Scorpio). I mean, great…THIS year is going to be practical and resourceful, a good lawyer, and have eyes in the back of its head!

How the hell is that different from last year!?

Screw you online encyclopedia!!!

You just made the list!

Let’s just work on the idea that if you’re a Cock, it’ll be a good year. If you have a Cock, it’ll be a good year. If you don’t have a Cock, get one quick! (you can get them very cheap at the Cock store, or sometimes just out and about on the sidewalks, if you’re lucky) Then, keep your Cock very very close to you, and hold onto your Cock, all year long.

2005 a great time to be a Cock, or...just to say "Cock," go ahead, say it! It's pretty fun.

JUMPING JESUS IT'S ASH WEDNESDAY!!!

While walking to my lovely midtown office this morning, I noticed an inordinate number of people with dirt on their foreheads. My initial thought process was that numerous people had fallen down right on the front of their heads. "My God!" thought I, "I'd better brace myself. There must be some hella slippery sidewalks up ahead." Then, it dawned on me. I work pretty close to St. Patrick's Cathedral and CHRIST'S NIGHTSHIRT IF IT ISN'T ASH FUCKING WEDNESDAY!!!! To you Catholic's out there, I bid you a happy....ummmm....guilt day......

Now, I have been asked by some folks today why my forehead remains ashless. I don't fault people for asking me this. I mean, I certainly display all the characteristics of a Catholic citizen. I mean, I wear clothes to cover my shame. When eating, if I'm offered seconds I only accept apologetically. I fear the Christ out of "God," I suppose, if everyone else does. I'm bi-pedal. And human. All those things seem to add up to Catholicism, especially since I don't look particularily Muslim, but here's the real deal on Q-dog. I'm a shit eating Lutheran. On the surface, there appears to be no difference between Catholics and Lutherans, true enough, but for those of you not in the know, let me offer up two VERY discernable differences. One: Lutherans believe that "God" is a deer-ape hybrid with laser shooting eyes and Two: Lutherans refuse to walk around looking like filthy headed idiots. I hope this clears things up for my oft misunderstood Lutheran breathren. I'm sure they'd be THRILLED to have me speak for them......

THE FRIST PSYCKIK BLOG POST IN HRISTORI

SoRRy about the ti-po’s, there’s NOoo spell Chek in my head, and I can’t to contrRRRol cpaplital leTTers.

YoU are REAding the first blog post done WiTHout the typeWRITER/R/keyboard cOMPuter interface. I am now inside the blogger servers, and with the power of my thoughts, am composing this post. My mind iS actually pUShing electrONs around on a seRVer THOusands of milES away - which will sOOn publish thIS “writing,” and then be READ BY you. Dealing, as I am, with MY brOKen/crAShed/infected/tuRNed-off computer, and the monumenTAL importance of Fjord, I realized I was going tO have tO take a different approach, if the West CoAst BrANch was going to contInue in its cuRRent capaCITY.

PeOple used to give me cRAp about my psyCHIc pOWER, and it got unDER my skin. But now, my attitude is, “Fuck ‘Em,” If they don’t get it, nO SKIN off my teeth. A while bACk in the late 90’s, me and Q-Dog, sick to deATH of the wintery-cold that was (on it’s way to) our FORMEr HOme, decided to combine our meNTAl powers, in the psychic aTTEmpt to destROY WINTER.

Q-dog and I TOLd nearly everyone we kNEW about our plan, trying to enlist more peOple…whO would hoPEfULly use their mENTal powers in coMBInation with ours, to oppose – an ENTIRE season – from cOming into EXISTence.

Well, we oNLY had a cOUple of luke-wARM takers on the “LEND us yoUR psychIC poWERs sO we can stOP WINter moVEMent.” So basically IT wAS really JusT ME and the “Q” WHO thrEw ouRSelves into it. How dId we DO? Well, we kept teMPErAtuRes aboVe frEEZing until one day beFORE X-mas, and that YEar ended up being ONE of the wARMest DeCeMBers on recOrd. People can dOUBt, oh sUre, they can dOUBt, but it reALLy hapPENed. Of coURSe, we werEN'T aBle to stop the entIRE onset of winTeR, but daMn, YOU tRY and stop 12-biLLiOn years worth of tRaDITion with two untrAIned psycHic brains…I think we dId PrETty great stopping WinTer for damn NEAr two straIGHt MOnths!
And sO I’d alSO like to sAY, you’re reading the prODuct of one of thOSe same BRains right now…hIstOry - the first bLog post created from 100% by mental power...aNd it’s not too bad, eSPECially for thE first TRy. I mean, you try aND dO a poST with just your pSyCHIC powers…see how much you get done!

They've paved paradise and put up a fucking fjord!!

Hi everyone! How's tricks? Solid, mehopes. Just gonna lay down some random shit here today. It's been a while since my last fjord confession and, well, it's just time is all.

For those of you who don't know, which is probably most of you, if not all of you, but I'm willing to go with some of you, I work with hookers. That's my day job. Talking to hookers. Working through things with hookers. Hell, I'll say it, even troubleshooting with hookers. Now, you're probably wondering just what in the heck it is that I do. Am I a pimp? Am I a driver? A social worker with a concentration on getting girls off the streets? A mobster? A concerned citizen who somehow parlayed a living helping hookers deal with life's problems, such as stain maintenance and how to cool a heated John? To those suggestions, I say, "Heh-heh. How naively sweet, dear readers!" No, I'm none of those things you quickly assumed I was. None of them. I take ads. I'm an ad-taker, dream-maker, love-faker, proving I'm someone not to be trifled with, or messed around with, to be sure. Yes, hookers call me on the telephonic device and place ads in the publication for which I work, in the hopes of scaring up a John or two so that said hookers can make a living. I, or rather my typing hands, are merely a conduit through which these ladies of the evening work. They tell me the ad copy, I transcribe it, it's that simple. Sound glamorous? Well, if you consider a symbiotic phone relationship featuring such wording as "Happy Endings with each massage," or "I provide a real girlfriend experience," to be glamorous, then have I got a job for you!! Frankly, folks, I feel like the lowest paid pimp in the industry......What do you do?

In closing, I'd like to add that I noticed something when I got home from work last night. I noticed that every single time, without fail, my whole entire life, without exception, that whenever I have to take a dump, it's because there was poop in my butt......really makes you think, huh?

It goes without saying...

THAT THE GODS HAVE A FUCKED UP SENSE OF HUMOR.

Take this, for instance...
after finally getting my computer system into the modern era, with a DSL line, I was super ridiculously happy. I surfed the interweb from the comfort of my own home, worked on our little blog-project, and made quite a bit of progress writing every day on my other projects. I was starting to feel like my life was sort of getting back on track. That's when I caught the virus, that turned my machine into a big giant table-sized paperweight.

So, while I may be slightly less prolific because of this occurrence *shakes fist at sky cursing gods* Fjord is too important, and too big for a small problem like, "No Computer" to completely silence me. Even if I have to use my psychic brainwaves to manipulate the electrons at blogger so I can post...I will! OPPOSE ME AND BE DESTROYED! That's my new motto. That, and "hey let's go to IHOP." They're both good mottos.

another shitty day in paradise

monday is here again and i'm once again reminded that there are only two certainties in this crazy existence - one is obviously death and following at a very close second in the certainty department is that The Cosby Show most certainly does not stand the test of time. I thought I was bummed when I saw Knight Rider last year for the first time in over a decade. this juggernaut from 1984 has come crashing down in a ball of herculean flames a mere 21 years later.

what's next? is somebody going to tell me that david hasselhoff is a huge pop star in Germany. Shut up, Dario - i don't want this confirmed. you already screwed up the tooth fairy for me. don't go messing up my image of the flawless german pop music scene.

i must now go drive down the autobahn and see kraftwerk. auf wedersen!

Doom...Dooom...DOOOOOOOOM

I've been thinking a lot about doom lately. It's not the kind of word a guy like me throws around lightly, because, it's kind of a heavy word. One might say that it means - destined to a tragic fate, and one (if that were someone's name) would be dead-on right. However, doom also means, just plain old fate.

I'd certainly like to be the guy that was doomed to take up the banner of the fjords, and march them to such greatness, that through the demand of the people, the Feds had to suck it up and provide a fjord for every citizen of the U.S., or at least a really big one per neighborhood, so they could share it. Now there's a doom I could really be proud of.

I haven't crunched the exact numbers just yet, but according to the census department 295,397,996 people live in the country just now, and I figure for about 10 bucks a person, we could really be looking at a feasible plan. However, when I first proposed this to the Secretary of the Interior, he said, "Mr. Tsunami, how on earth do you expect congress to authorize an expenditure of nearly three-trillion dollars for fjord construction? You're batshit-loonball crazy!" And then he had his goons throw me out -with extreme prejudice- to the street. Fucker.

Fjord construction wouldn't take place in a void. I mean, guys have to move dirt, draw up plans, put landscapes in place, construct water delivery systems...this kind of spillover could employ every unemployed person (and temps, and people with crappy jobs, and those who just like to be outside...) and all those people would be making more money, they'd pay more taxes, and they'd spend more of their money on electronics and in boutiques and on cute Japanese pop culture toys - right? More tax! It's simple economics. Fjord construction would, in the end, pay for itself.

Not only that, but, consider the countries that might begin to think likewise, and begin fjord construction plans of their own. These people would look for expertise in fjord building, and where would they look? Not to Sweden, not to Norway - those guys don't know dick about making fjords, they had fjords right there when they moved in. No, they'd come to America, and hire our guys out as contractors and specialists.

Of course, our strategic competitors would begin worrying about a fjord-gap, and start a program of their own. I'm thinking Chinese here, those guys could get a Fjord program up and running (and for far cheaper labor costs for sure) in no time. But hey, would it really make me worried that there were fjords being made in China? C'mon, they just barely shot a guy into space, (we've been doing that for near 50 years!) and we all know their fjord project would be riddled with corruption, and fall well behind schedule. Probably would be shoddy quality fjords too.

Soooo...doom. I suppose this might be my doom, I guess that's the funny thing, you never really know what your doom is, until the very, very end. Then you can look back and go, "Huh? So that was my doom." And after that realization, you'll probably mutter the words, "Great...juuuust great."

Anyways, if you're ever up in the dark of night, unable to sleep, and wondering about what your doom is, or is going to be...wouldn't it be nice if you could take a short stroll, and ponder that huge and massive question at your own scenic fjord?

Your damn right it would.

Happy Friday

I went to a hypnotist

Yep, that's right. You heard me. I went to a hypnotist. To quit smoking. To be perfectly honest the whole thing was a little disappointing. Sure, I haven't had a cigarrette since I went. Sure, my cravings are less frequent and less intense than previous attempts to quit cold turkey ever were. And yes, for the first time in my adult life I honestly feel like I'm never gonna smoke again and instead of feeling dread and anxiety at that thought, as I have before, I feel genuinely ok with it. All that being said, I still can't seem to shake the idea that the hypnotist experience was a bit of a rip-off.
See, the thing is, I went twice, ok? Two times. Which means I spent, you know, a few hours with the hypnotist. That also translates to TWO times of being under the hypnotists spell, or hypnosis, whatever. Look, the goddamn point is, not one time, NOT ONCE, did I come back to life, snap out of hypnosis, whatever, with my pants unbuttoned!!! I mean, what's wrong with me? Am I not hot enough? Did I not send the right message? I mean, I felt like I was clear that I'd be ok with the hypnotist being less than moral. I mean, looking at the hypnotist and flat saying, "Hey, you know, if you wanna be less than moral, that's cool with me," pretty much lays it out, right? Christ, what do you gotta do in today's world to be taken advantage of?!?!?!?! Anyway, overall I'm sure hypnotism works, but does it?.......Does it?.....

...here's something to play with

http://www.virtuallylost.net/intro.html

go ahead, we're not going anywhere.

Cool Devices

I just found out about a radio alarm clock designed by one Hayat Benchenaa. It's a little light/clock combo that hangs above your bed. When the alarm is set, a small light dims and the music fades as you fall asleep. When it goes off, you reach up and tap it to activate the snooze. Then the thing rises about a foot, lets you snooze, and goes off again. So you get up a little more to hit the snooze again. This process is repeated until the thing reaches the ceiling, making you get up and pull it down to deactivate it.

I found this thing on one of those super-tech design pages, so I dunno if you can even buy it anywhere, but it's called the Sfera.

Hmmm, curious, I guess.

Wife accused of giving man lethal sherry enema

ANGLETON - Investigators say a Lake Jackson woman caused her husband's death by giving him a sherry enema, causing his blood alcohol level to surge to 0.47 percent - almost six times the legal intoxication limit. Tammy Jean Warner, 42, was indicted on a charge of negligent homicide. She is also charged with burning the will of her late husband, Michael Warner, a month before his death in May. Michael Warner, a 58-year-old machine shop owner, had a long history of alcoholism, but couldn't ingest alcohol because of medical problems with his throat, said Lake Jackson Police detective Robert Turner. The wine enema was a way he could become intoxicated without drinking alcohol, Turner said.
"I heard of this kind of thing in mortuary school in 1970, but this is the first time I've ever heard of someone actually doing it," Turner said. Turner said police think she gave him at least two large bottles of sherry, which is stronger than wine, in the enema on May 21. "We're not talking about little bottles here," Turner said, "These were at least 1.5 liter bottles."


I'm suspect of this gem nestled in the body of the story,

She is also charged with burning the will of her late husband, Michael Warner, a month before his death in May.

Yes! I've been looking for that elusive title for my new mystery novel..."MURDER BY ENEMA"

Just really loved the headline:

'Mad cow' disease found in goat

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/4216431.stm


Although some incidences of TSEs in animals such as cats and antelopes have looked very similar to the BSE strain, there is some debate over whether these really were mad cow.

Just a quick tally for you keeping score at home.

1) Mad Cow
2) Mad Cat
3) Mad Antelope
4) Mad Goat
5) Mad Cobbler
6) Mad Fileclerk

Just in case you are wondering if madness is running rampant in YOUR world, we've already got six mentions of it right here at Fjord - NOW IN OUR SECOND WEEK!
Something is catching...

A Groundhog Day observation.....

So, that rabid rat bastard, the Groundhog, saw his stoopid shadow today up in Pennsylvania, meaning (if you believe in this sort of crap) there will be six more weeks of Winter. My initial reaction to this news was this: GODAMMIT!! SHIT!! THAT SUUUUCKS!!!
See, the thing about Winter is way back in the day, our ancestors had a choice: Live year-round in the predictable and pleasant Southernmost regions, and if need be and you're just left of smart, go North for vacations and Wintery sports. I mean, that would have been just fine, right? Cuz then you'd always have the option of going North to hang with your "Wintery sport" friends, or spend your Winter just basking in the sun, as most Southernmost regionites do. But that idea simply wasn't good enough for our ancestors, was it? NOOO! They had to MOVE North and stick untold future generations of what has to be their own offspring in this climate YEAR ROUND!!! "Unacceptable," thought I......until another thought struck me.......

Had our ancestors never moved North, who would've policed the South? And if nobody had policed the South, there'd be no Black History Month to celebrate.......

So, with that, dear readers, I bid you a HAPPY BLACK HISTORY MONTH AND LONG LIVE THE GROUNDHOG!!!!!!

Groundhog A-Go-Go!

Sorry kids, there's nothing in this post relating to groundhogs except this disclaimer. I just liked the way the title looked.

I just wanted to tell you about this kick-ass movie I just saw, GODZILLA VS THE FJORD! Holy Goats that was cool. One second Godzilla was flaming the Fjord's sides with fire-breath, and the next, Fjord was dousing Godzilla in its icy-cold glacial waters! I'm not going to give away the ending, but let's just say it kept me guessing all the way through the credits.

I give it four fjords! Or fjord stars - whatever, just run out to the video-shack and ask for it by name!

GO!

What it is to be a real mindfuck.....

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Sorry it's been a few days, but you'll NEVER guess where I was.....

Go on, try to guess.......Give up? Then I'll tell you. I've spent the last few days in the throes of passion, is where I've been. I was FINALLY able to attend the "Fuck Animals, Cum on Their Backs and Renounce Jesus Fesitval" in Antwerp, Germany!!!! You guys, it was great. Everything you would expect and so, so much more. I must've banged about 30 different species of animal, ranging from the exotic (I jammed a Toucan in my ass) to the non-exotic (while I fucked a common house gerbil). After I came, I realized I probably should've banged the Toucan and shoved the gerbil in my ass, but when you're as turned on as I was, you're just not thinking, you know? Oh, I also told Jesus to go to the Hell his book created while I deep-throated a crucifix. Between gulping noises I was able to blurt, "You can't spell 'crucifiction' without 'fiction'!" Folks, it was nearly the best weekend of my life.........nearly........
At any rate, I guess I needed to get that off my chest......whew! Thanks for listening....
One more thing, "Look out behind you," is a thing people say when something's about to strike you from behind and the person saying it thinks you can't possibly see that thing coming without their verbal help. THAT'S how self-centered people are.......

Some more light reading....

http://thescotsman.scotsman.com/international.cfm?id=115842005

It's a small article, so I'll just post the whole thing. - By Allan Hall.

Six men jailed for exhuming a 'vampire' to eat his heart

SIX Romanians have been jailed for digging up the corpse of a cancer victim, ripping his heart out and eating it because they thought he was a vampire.

The men, who have each been sentenced to six months in jail, waited for seven weeks after the 76-year-old former schoolteacher died before exhuming the corpse and mutilating it.

After cutting the deceased’s heart out they burned it, mixed it with ash and water to make a "meaty drink". They told the court in the southern Romanian town of Craiova they all felt "much better" afterwards.

The six men all came from the remote village of Marotinul de Sus and told the court it was "well known" that such a remedy was the only protection against the undead.

All were sentenced for violating a grave. All claimed that they acted in self-defence from "a well-known vampire".

--Chalk up one more thing I didn't know that will protect you from vampires.

More on temporal constructs (part 1)

When I started the project of creating a specific time for Fjord, it was in it's theoretical development phase, and perhaps I shouldn't have posted about it as early as I did. But since the cat's out of the bag, I might as well move forward with a more elaborate detailing of my thinking.

Based on historical records, Fjordsurfing "the blog" was started January 19th 2005. However, the real cohesion which began the Fjord concept started very close to January 1, 2005. So, I propose that instead of all this gibberish, we go ahead and start this year, THE YEAR OF OUR FJORD - ONE.

Now the days line up pretty well, if we keep the current month structure, and just say, today is February 1, In the Year of our Fjord - One. We'll call 2006 The Year of our Fjord Two and so-forth.

Over the last few years, there has been a small movement across the internets to convert our 24-hour based time system into a new global system, that takes into account the truly global and modern connection that the internet has created.

Here are a couple of sites (I've seen better, but these were the ones I quickly found on Google for the purpose of this post) briefly dealing with the subject.
http://www.newearthtime.net
http://www.timeanddate.com/time/internettime/html

Basically - and like I said - still in its development stage - the idea is to combine two separate time zones (with two hours between them) into one time system which becomes Fjord Standard Time. In Fjord Standard Time, it would no longer be possible for someone to add a post at 3:52 p.m., and have someone else read it at 1:53 p.m., on the same day, as both (and every) time zones would be synchronized to exactly the same time structure. I've got the boys down at Fjordlab(tm) crunching the numbers right now, and hopefully in a few days, I'll have a proposal that is a bit more concise.